Els Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 There's this guy, A, whom I got to know about 6 years ago. He developed a huge crush on me, and became pretty much obsessed -- spammed me several times a minute on messenger, kept asking me to go out with him, etc. Such behaviour actually isn't very abnormal for a desperate teen around here, so I figured if I just kept firmly telling him 'no, I'm not interested', he'd get the message sooner or later. However, being a young and giddy-headed 17-year-old, I must admit that I did take advantage of him a little by asking his help in various matters, and talking to him rather often, because he was just always THERE to talk to. A few months later, I got together with my first bf -- but that was an online relationship, and still A kept bugging me. He wasn't happy with the way my bf was treating me (he was correct, actually, just not in the way he thought he was). Also several occurences really woke me up to the degree of this obsession that he was developing. After a fight with him, I just completely ignored him for a few months. When my birthday arrived, he passed a handmade present to me through a mutual friend. The friend told me I really should be a little mature and stop ignoring A. Fair enough, I messaged A to thank him. He wasn't over me but had at least stopped pressuring me, so the 'friendship' resumed. Fast forward 2 years, I hooked up with my 2nd bf, this time IRL. Finally, FINALLY, A stopped bugging me. We also talked markedly less, as I was busy enough with my bf and newfound friends in university, that I barely had time for messenger. A and I only met when our circle of friends had reunions, which wasn't very often. Now, A messages me once every few days, and I talk to him. He seems to be permanently over that obsession of his -- but he still flirts. Harmless flirting, sorta like a woman on LS saying she feels sexually deprived and men replying jokingly 'Oh honey, I'm always here for you!'.. you know, that kind. He's also 'jokingly(?)' said stuff like how he was waiting for me and such. In those 6 years, he's never had a gf, or at least not that I knew. I'm not quite sure what I should do about it. Telling him to stop jokingly flirting sounds like a prude. Just ignoring him sounds like a bitch. Because honestly, if anyone else had made such harmless 'jokes', I wouldn't give it a second thought, it's just the way young guys here talk. But given his history, I do feel uncomfortable. I hope to GOD that he doesn't really mean it, that he's really gotten over me sometime during the past few years. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 He sounds like my co-worker who is 20 years older than me and is nice, but just not for me. I'm nice to get along with him after 10 years of employment but for years he has left me gifts stating "as a friend" take it. But he says he would marry me if I let him, give me kids and it's gone on for years. At one point he got wine, chocolate, a stuffed teddy bear and a restaurant dinner for us. I didn't go to HR because he wasn't a threat, just a nuisance. I told him I felt like he didn't take my no for an answer, the attention made me uncomfortable and I wanted it to stop. That I will never look past our differences and there is no chemistry and there will NEVER be any. There are 3 choices when someone likes you and you feel different 1- a bitch (bruise their ego) 2- a tease (let them gently down but they may keep trying because the no isn't clear) 3- a whore (have no backbone and do things with them because you can't say no). I know the above is a harsh, overdone analogy but sometimes it's what it feels like to me. I always play the role of #2 to let them down gently and if that doesn't work I bruise their ego feeling like a bitch. C'est la vie... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 There are 3 choices when someone likes you and you feel different 1- a bitch (bruise their ego) 2- a tease (let them gently down but they may keep trying because the no isn't clear) 3- a whore (have no backbone and do things with them because you can't say no). I know the above is a harsh, overdone analogy but sometimes it's what it feels like to me. I always play the role of #2 to let them down gently and if that doesn't work I bruise their ego feeling like a bitch. C'est la vie... Yes, I don't understand! I'm pretty sure I made my 'no' very clear, just don't have the heart to ignore him entirely or block him and avoid all friend hang-outs where he is. Besides, he's toned down a LOT, enough so that I sometimes give him the benefit of the doubt that he truly is over me and is just playfully flirting the way many guys do. It's just his history that makes me think otherwise -- he started off with precisely that (playful flirting), then got worse. Also, I'm in a relationship now, and I wasn't when I first talked with him. That's why I feel I should be stricter now. Btw, to all guys reading, THIS is the doormat that us girls are saying we don't want. The kind of guy that just keeps HANGING around with some weird sort of hope even though he's been firmly (and perhaps brutally) rejected. Seriously, grow a spine already! Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 It sounds like you've played fair. Just ignore him and don't feel bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I'm not quite sure what I should do about it. Telling him to stop jokingly flirting sounds like a prude. Just tell him, "yo, easy with the comments, I have a boyfriend and I don't think he'd appreciate this" You don't to be prudish about it. And if he keeps it up and could give a crap whether he disrespects your relationship, THEN you can be a prude about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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