Should I be STRICTER on my boyfriend?! Please help!

[iwonder]

Hi

 

I have just come home from a hens' night. A colleague of mine is getting married next week. We were only three girls having very "organised" dinners and chats. Her fiancee also had his stag night tonight with my boyfriend and the other girl's fiance taking part.

 

All evening these girls have been sending text messages to their boyfriends checking on them when I just didn't want to and decided to let my boyfriend have a good night out.

 

My problem: I have a really cool relationship with my boyfriend, he is sweet and caring, never really hurt me and we get on very well.

 

But am I not strict enough on him??!! I mean the other day he said how he loves how we have a TRUE PARTNERSHIP where I trust him and let him see his buddies as often as he wants etc. He took me in his arms and said I was really cool

 

On the other hand!! His last stag weekend was in Russia over Easter!!, a few other girlfriends simply didn't let their boyfriends go. I thought, well, it's one of his best friends and when his best man organised it, there is nothing my boyfriend can do about it.

 

He also meets an Ex-bonk of his about once a year for a drink (only for about an hour, but still!!), I don't object.

 

Am I being to "naive" and good? Should I be more possesive? Should I have more pride in front of other women who obviously have total control over their boyfriends?

 

Please help! I am very confused :-(

[Ryan]

All evening these girls have been sending text messages to their boyfriends checking on them

 

Ugh. I want a woman, not a babysitter.

 

Should I have more pride in front of other women who obviously have total control over their boyfriends?

 

Nobody controls a man. Dogs wear leashes.

 

I have a feeling my dear Clia will jump all over this question.

[iwonder]

Thanks Ryan

 

But you know as a woman you sort of have two choices: you can look "strong" in front of your girlfriends and other women actually assume that HE really loves you and therefore lets his girl control him and ends up looking like a dog, carrying all those shopping bags and not going on the piss with his mates anymore. Women take that as a proof of love.

 

or choice two: you can fight your pride and give your man all the freedom he needs but you as women probably look like an idiot.

 

I really want to be my boyfriend's "buddy". I want to be his friend. Because I know that it probably makes our relationship even stronger. (We love each other very much; and i'm positive that he doesn't cheat on me!) But don't I let him have more opportunities to cheat on me by letting him keep those female names in his mobile and the stag weekends in Russia!!?

 

On the other hand I would love to take his mobile and ERASE all female contacts in there etc.

 

From a guy's perspective..... do you think he really appreciates what I am doing for him! Because, let's face it: I'm equally jealous and "controlling" as all the other girls; I just try to keep it inside.

 

Does he realize that's not easy for me???????????

[Ryan]

But you know as a woman you sort of have two choices: you can look "strong" in front of your girlfriends and other women actually assume that HE really loves you and therefore lets his girl control him and ends up looking like a dog, carrying all those shopping bags and not going on the piss with his mates anymore. Women take that as a proof of love.

 

This is what you think being a strong woman is? Or a sign of love? Yikes.

 

From a guy's perspective..... do you think he really appreciates what I am doing for him! Because, let's face it: I'm equally jealous and "controlling" as all the other girls; I just try to keep it inside.

 

You're doing something for him by NOT being openly jealous and controlling?

That's not a favor; that's an expectation. It wouldn't be any more reasonable for him to say he's doing something for you by not cheating on you.

 

Does he realize that's not easy for me???????????

 

Do you realize it's not his problem? This is your problem.

[iwonder]

Mister (!)

 

I 100% agree with you! I do not want to control him and want him to be happy, see his mates and whatever.

 

I also believe that it is good for a relationship. As I can sense that the more of a friend I am to him, the more he tells me how much he loves me, he does things for me (without me asking) etc.

 

So, my "tactic" of giving him his freedom works. Sorry for sounding manipulating, I don't think I am.

 

But why is it that there are so many guys out there who do not dare to go out with their mates anymore because their girlfriends don't want it, etc?

 

There don't only seem to be "Mustangs" out there but a lot of puppy dogs! I wonder why! Because I do believe that in marriage the guy is in charge. If he can't be bothered anymore he walks out and leaves the wife and the kids. All right, she may come into some money, but compared to his career, etc. it's nothing.

 

So, why is it so many men just give in and become such softies and complaining about their girlfriends and what hard work they are?

[Ryan]

Because I do believe that in marriage the guy is in charge.

 

That's not good either.

 

If he can't be bothered anymore he walks out and leaves the wife and the kids. All right, she may come into some money, but compared to his career, etc. it's nothing.

 

Yikes again!

 

M'dear...there's a much happier, healthier medium between painfully dominating and painfully submissive.

[Tony T]

I think you should conduct yourself like a mature adult and not worry about whether you should be more strict with your boyfriend. He doesn't need a mother and obviously is handling himself quite well. Why would you want to fabricate an issue or problem where none exists? Enjoy life, enjoy love and stop looking for chaos where none exists.

 

Cheers and enjoy yourself this weekend!!!

[Kat]

I think you are a mans ideal woman

 

I regularly have my boyfriend give me a cuddle and just thank me for not being a "normal girlfriend". He has friends who have their girlfriends sms them saying "I have cooked dinner it is ready" when they know he is going out drinking with his mates. He then feels guilty and goes home.

 

Constantly giving them guilt trips when they are "with someone else" (meaning with friends and not her) and it is sad.

 

I do it to an extent, but mainly face to face and we talk. I think you are doing a great job and it truly shows that you and him are comfortable.

 

Whether you "look strong", "Take control" or "be naive", you can't stop what will or will no happen.

[iwonder]

Thanks Kat and thanks for all the other replies

 

The title of my post was deliberately a bit "shocking". I do not want to be stricter on him but just wondered how other women and men feel about it.

 

As I said, last night he went on a stag while we (the girls) went on our hen's night. The other girls kept sending text messages to their boyfriends. The future bride even made sure that a gay friend of hers joined who sent her the "hourly" report :-) They also wanted to meet up with their blokes after dinner, but I encouraged them not to. "let them have a good night!"

 

My boyfriend came home at SEVEN!! this morning telling me how proud he was to be with such a pretty chick who doesn't find it necessary to text him all evening to feel secure.

 

So, it was the right thing to do and to leave him in peace. As I said, I literally encourage him to go out with his mates, even 5, 6 times a week (he loves doing sports with them), without feeling left out. What happens is that he ends up not wanting to go out with them too much because he knows that he can without me objecting. So, it's always him who asks whether we could spend more time together.

 

On the other hand, there are limits. And I believe that we should make them realise that we care and don't want to lose them. Therefore, as soon as they are up to "strange" things, having other chicks joining the bloke group, or if my boyfriend wanted to go out with an attractive single "friend" of his, I would be as bitchy as anybody else.

 

I just simply see no competition in his male friends but truly believe that they are good for him (provided he doesn't gay) :-)

[clia]

But you know as a woman you sort of have two choices: you can look "strong" in front of your girlfriends and other women actually assume that HE really loves you and therefore lets his girl control him and ends up looking like a dog, carrying all those shopping bags and not going on the piss with his mates anymore. Women take that as a proof of love.

 

I don't think this choice makes you look strong; I think it makes you look weak. If you cannot go an entire evening without texting the boyfriend, issues are deep. This is the insecure choice, not the strong choice. Your girlfriends may not realize that, but you do, right? I have friends like this, too, and I honestly do not understand it.

 

or choice two: you can fight your pride and give your man all the freedom he needs but you as women probably look like an idiot.

 

I'm really not getting this. You look like an idiot because you don't play mommy to your boyfriend? That makes no sense to me at all! And who cares what everyone thinks anyway? Are you wanting to be strict so you look cool in front of your girlfriends or because you feel your boyfriend needs more boundaries? It sounds like the former to me. If your relationship is working as it is (and I think you handle things wonderfully, BTW), then why are you trying to fix what isn't broken?

 

Look, if your girlfriends want to drive themselves crazy stressing and freaking out over their boyfriends' every move and the need to text him and call him every three seconds, FINE. Let them. But you obviously don't need to be that way in a relationship. What works for some couples doesn't work for others. It sounds like your boyfriend both values his freedom and values you. So again, why are you asking if you should change things?

[HokeyReligions]

All of these comments about "making" "strict" "allowing" etc. sound like insecure control issues to me -- like a relationship is a big game. It's not. My husband and I had a conversation once a long time ago and the jist of it was "I married you, not took you to raise." There are a lot more than two choices.

 

If your girlfriends don't trust their boyfriends, or if they are so insecure that they feel they must know what goes on 24/7 in their boyfriends lives does not mean that you must follow suit. You build your relationship based on your own priorities, trust, and personal needs, wants, and ideas. You talk with your boyfriend about questions or concerns you have in your relationship and ask him to talk with you about his concerns and questions. Do this whenever either of you has a concern and don't look at another couple as a pattern of what is right or wrong in your own. If you see another couples behavior and it raises questions about your own relationship, then talk with your bf about it. "Do you think I don't love you as much as Miffy loves Tim because I don't stay in touch with you more? or do you think that I am not as involved in your life as you would like me to be?" You might even tell him if/when you do get a little jealous about something - sometimes telling someone that you feel a little jealous about him meeting his old gf, but that you trust his love for you and want his happiness might be a little pick-me-up for him. On the other hand, some guys might find that annoying and interpret it as a controlling or that you are insecure and they may feel pressure. These are things you need to discuss. Some guys might be more flattered that their gf's feel they need to text message or contact them frequently - maybe in your gf's minds this is a way they show their love and is not insecurity. Hopefully they have talked with their respective bf's about it and have worked out their own relationships.

 

Just as every person is different, every relationship is different too. It sounds like you and your bf have a good relationship, but you have some questions -- and these you need to discuss with him.

[Angel]

For me, it is not a matter of control. You can not control (nor should you want to) someone else. It is a matter of choice. You can choose to be with a man that wants to have evenings out with the guys or not. If you know that bothers you, don't select a man that needs to do this.

 

There are so many variables: Are his nights out with the guys at bars? Does he go to a ballgame with his friends? Does he go bowling once a week? Does he go to strip clubs?

 

These are the things you find out while you are dating. That is what dating is for. For God's sake, you don't change someone's habits, likes or dislikes. Your job is to find out if your life choices are compatible.

 

It is also about age. If your boyfriend is young (under 30) and he is still in his delayed adolescence stage (as many men are), going out with the guys is rather typical. If you don't like this behavior, select a more mature person. If you select the type of man that enjoys his evenings alone with the guys---don't complain about it. If you try to impose your will on him, he'll view it as control and will be miserable.

 

Select a man that is seeking your happiness. A mature man will do this if he loves you. He's been out with the guys enough and knows the value of a good woman. A mature man will not go places or do things that will hurt you because he is looking for happiness with you---not his buddies. A mature man would rather be with his woman than with a bunch of guys.

 

It sounds to me that his going out with the guys is starting to bother you. If it does, don't lie to yourself and act like it doesn't. You will end up harboring resentment and explode someday. You have choices in this life.

 

Hope this was helpful.

[Frodo]

It's not really your business whether he has male friends and spends time with him. This show of checking on him is really sick. You're not his mom.

 

Men should have male friends and it's not immature to do so, as Angel seems to think. Peer companionship is a standard human need, and is no less mature for men than it is for women. A person who has no same sex friends is actually somewhat isolated, which creates other problems.

 

Also, you're not married, and you don't have kids that need to be taken care of, so why do you think such constant contact is necessary? It's not like he's neglecting his family, which would be a different issue altogether.

[Ryan]

A mature man would rather be with his woman than with a bunch of guys.

 

I wonder how quick you would be to make such a statement if the genders were reversed.

[Angel]

"It's none of your business if he has male friends and spends time with them"!!!!¡¡

That is not logical. If you are in a serious relationship, his habits, tendencies, and lifestyle will affect your future. It is not logical to think it is not your business.

 

Frodo is right when he says you are not his mother. A mature man doesn't need one!

[Angel]

Absolutely and without an ounce of hesitation.

 

There is nothing wrong with doing things with friends. It depends on what you are doing!

[Ryan]

There is nothing wrong with doing things with friends. It depends on what you are doing!

 

That's quite a bit different from what you previously stated.

 

He's been out with the guys enough and knows the value of a good woman. A mature man will not go places or do things that will hurt you because he is looking for happiness with you---not his buddies. A mature man would rather be with his woman than with a bunch of guys.

 

The (not-so-implied) implication I read was that a "mature" man will forego a large amount of his time with male friends for the sake of his romantic relationship. If this was not your intended meaning, I would carefully consider using this set of statements again....as you will get a similar set of responses from other men.

 

If it WAS intentional....then we indeed do have a problem.

[Angel]

Yes, I did imply that! and I will stick to it. Mature men will forego a large amount of their time with male friends for the sake of his romantic relationship. I also believe that it is okay to do things with friends. I worded it exactly how I meant it, and if this causes other men to flinch a little, so be it! The post was meant to be helpful to the poster. Just one person's point of view.