How long should I be willing to wait?

[Meredith]

I have been reading this site with interest for a few weeks and have finally summoned the courage to share my story.

 

I am 25 years old and in the process of getting a divorce from my husband of two years. We had always been great friends but never had any chemistry, emotionally or sexually, and while I thought those things were secondary to overall compatibility, I soon learned that a marriage needs them. About a year into my marriage I met someone else with whom that chemistry existed, and I did the selfish thing and began an affair. Not long afterward, I told my husband I thought we should divorce. While I am not looking for any sympathy or to rationalize what I did, I *did* recognize that I was being horribly unfair to my husband and he deserved to be with someone who would not betray him. Our divorce should be final around Christmastime.

 

My question relates to my lover. The man with whom I became involved is also married. Neither of us ever intended for things to progress the way they did, as the story always goes, but we have fallen deeply in love over the course of the past year. We are compatible in ways that neither of us ever thought possible, and while both of attempted to end this affair several times because we knew it was wrong, we can't help but feel like we are making yet another mistake by letting each other go. He even told his wife that he is in love with me, and intended to leave, but she has made life pretty miserable for all involved because she intentionally stopped using birth control without telling him, and became pregnant as a last ditch effort to "keep" him.

 

I know that many of you will shake your heads and ask, "my God, how can two cheaters get together and think things will ever work?" and similar questions. We have discussed these issues at length, and we both feel prepared to take that chance. We are two people who fully accept that we acted terribly and we take responsibility for our mistakes...but I don't feel we should be condemned to misery forever. That said, the issue now is, he feels too guilty to leave at this time. His marriage is now virtually a sham for the sake of this child...there is no more intimacy and she is always upset, knowing that his heart is somewhere else. He agreed to stay in the home with her through the pregnancy (she can't work now) and for a "little while" after the baby is born.

 

This is the scary part. I would NEVER wish him to leave his baby, and I am sure he will have extreme difficulty in doing so once the baby is born. We are both lovers of children. He has speculated that once his wife is recovered from the birth and the child has a routine established (so that he and his wife are not sleep-deprived zombies), he will be ready to leave the home...likely a few months. I do not doubt his intentions at all, but I know that once the baby arrives, there are no guarantees. He fully intends to be very involved in the baby's life even once he leaves the marriage, and I fully accept that, even though I know it will be difficult for me. His wife will always see me as a "homewrecker."

 

I am trying to find, for my own peace of mind, a point at which I should walk away. I am young and do not wish to spend a year of my life pining for a man I cannot be with (in the event that three months becomes six...or worse). I don't want to give him an ultimatum, and I want him to leave when HE feels ready. But at the same time, I need to know, privately, that I won't let this drag on forever, even though I love him dearly.

 

I am sorry for the length of this post but I wanted to give you all the necessary background. What is reasonable for me to do in this situation?

[ArdeaCandidissima]

I sympathize with your painful situation. You say that you have two choices:

spend a year of my life pining for a man I cannot be with

or

be condemned to misery forever

Is it really true that you have no other choices? Think, think. What else could you do?

 

Also...from a lifetime reading Ann Landers, I know that cheaters rarely leave. If it is truly the case that his wife has "trapped" him intentionally with pregnancy (which rests only on one person's word), it appears that she will likely be successful. The probability of him leaving will only continue to drop with time.

 

By the way, if this man was deeply in love with you, why was he continuing to have sex with his wife? You say

she has made life pretty miserable for all involved

but perhaps from her point of view, she has done her best to defend her marriage and she may actually put the blame on you two lovers.

I am trying to find, for my own peace of mind, a point at which I should walk away.

I vote for today. Plenty of fish in the sea who have not already fertilized some other female fishy's eggs.

[Meredith]

Well, I understand your question about why he would continue to sleep with his wife after declaring his love for me...the only answer I can really provide is that, I know that even when my husband and I decided that our marriage was in ruins, and he knew I had been unfaithful, there were still occasions when being intimate seemed like something we wanted to do. I couldn't hold that against my lover, having been in the same situation. The break-up of a marriage certainly does not follow a protocol, at least in my experience.

 

I also understand that from his wife's perspective, she likely feels as though she is defending her marriage from an intruder (me) and perhaps felt like becoming pregnant was just another way to keep a connection with him. Unfortunately, what she failed to realize was that such an action only made him more certain that she is not someone he wishes to be with...and while I know that you (and I) have only his word that the pregnancy was accidental, I am not a stupid person and if I believed for one second that he had planned it, I would not be asking my original question at all.

 

While I know that most people will advise me to walk away now, that is not something I am prepared to do. Nonetheless, I know that I can't be weak just because I love him, which is why I feel like having a personal timeline could make me feel more in control of the situation.

[Cariel]

Most married men do continue to have sex with their wives, even during long-term affairs. Often part of the problem in the marriage is that the wife has little or no sex drive and the man goes looking for a more eager partner in order to satisfy his needs. If the pair "click" and liking becomes love, he will still sleep with his wife in order to keep from being found out.

 

I speak from experience: I've been seriously involved with a MM for the last year. We were friends for years beforehand, I knew his marriage was rotten both sexually and emotionally, and tho neither of us expected it we one day became lovers and then fell for one another. I know his wife, and from the minute I met her I kept wondering how such a vibrant, lovely man had managed to not only marry such a surly bitch but stay with her for 20 years. The answer, of course, was their teenage daughter. I didn't and still don't care about the wife and am glad he's staying home so he doesn't screw up his daughter's last year of HS.

 

He is planning to leave his with this year when his daughter graduates. I have no desire to live with him or marry him (yes, I'm committment-phobic having escaped after a decade of an emotionally abusive marriage and don't wish to bind myself to anyone on and 24/7 basis). We will of course see each other more often once he makes his break, tho we already spend a couple of evenings & a weekend day together and have been able to get away with short trips.

 

In your case, you want him to leave and he says he wants to leave, but with a new baby on the way you might want to pull back a bit and see what happens. My guess is that he will probably not leave his wife - at least, not right away - and you will either have to deal with sharing him or leave him behind.\

 

Best of luck.

[brashgal]

So what is to prevent you both from being intimate with others in the future - since "being intimate seemed like something we wanted to do".

 

He seems conflicted. He could be supportive of his wife by living nearby and helping with the birth and parental duties without living with her.

[Fancy]

Meredith, I'm sorry to say, you are deluding yourself in a grand way. I was in a situation somewhat similar to yours and I can tell you, you're in for a long, lonely road. If you have any hope of living a life full of dignity, self respect and pride, get out now!!!

 

He "says" that he's going to stay until his wife gets back on her feet. That's bull. Then the baby will get colic, so he'll have to hang on a bit longer until that's over. Then the baby will be teething, so in an effort to be a good father, he'll stick around a bit more to see his wife through that. Next thing you know, the terrible twos will be upon them and his wife will be so busy with a toddler, he'll have to be there for both of them. Then of course there will be the first day of school and it wouldn't be right for a kid to have to start school in the midst of his/her parents divorcing. Are you getting the picture here?

 

You need to face the facts here, Meredith. He is commited to his wife. He said he loved you, but he continued a sexual relationship with his wife. Do you know for a fact he told her about you and that he was in love with you? How do you know this baby was an accident? How do you know it wasn't planned. It could be planned on both their parts........planned by her to hold on to her man and planned by him to give him an excuse to hold on to the familiar.

 

Why not do all of you a favor and cut all contact with him? He is married. You'll have a greater chance of winning the lottery than ever winning him. Even if you did get him, what would you have gotten? A cheater who can't be faithful to either his wife OR his girlfriend!

 

You're young. Move on.

[moimeme]

there were still occasions when being intimate seemed like something we wanted to do. I couldn't hold that against my lover, having been in the same situation. The break-up of a marriage certainly does not follow a protocol, at least in my experience.

 

It may not follow a protocol, but I imagine that affairs are more likely to happen when the spouses are not having sex. I agree with the others; this person is not showing any signs that he is truly planning to leave that marriage. You've found a loser; ditch him and move on.

[Meredith]

I'm not sure why I was expecting anything other than "leave him now," but it was still a little disheartening to read. I know this site is not particularly sympathetic to my sort of situation, but I really do wonder if anyone out there has had, or knows of, an instance when a relationship like mine actually WORKS. I know most of these stories end disastrously, but I can't help holding onto hope (how's that for alliteration?).

 

We just feel so strongly about one another, in a way neither of us has ever experienced, and for the first time in either of our lives we feel like our feelings are something we can't control. I am not a romantic; never have been. But I feel like I have finally found the "thing" I never understood...and I feel so angry that it has to be so difficult. I am also petrified of being an idiot, or deluding myself, as another poster suggested. I am sure if a friend of mine were in this position, I would say the same.

 

I have set a date in my head...a point at which I will feel my dignity is being compromised and I am wasting my time. I think the date I have chosen is fair for everyone...for him to not feel "robbed" of time with his infant, for his wife to "recover," and for me to know that I have some control over this ridiculous situation.

[Meredith]

I haven't been here much since my original post, but tonight my lover called me to tell me he had just had "the talk" with his wife...the one where he told her that things were irretrievably broken between them and he is leaving.

 

I should feel excited, that finally what I had been hoping for has happened; but I can't feel any joy about the misery that his wife is surely enduring, and I can't help but feel a little in shock that this day has truly come. I guess after reading so many posts here, and convincing myself that getting my hopes up would be a recipe for heartache, I can't really believe that he's done it.

 

I am not naive; I know there is still a long road ahead before he is truly extricated from his marriage...but I have had the same experience with the ending of my own marriage, and it never meant I was any less committed to making things work with my lover. I guess I am just in shock a bit, and conflicted about how I should feel right now. I know this is not about my feelings for him - those have not wavered - but I expected to be more excited. It's hard to get excited about someone else's heartbreak.

[SoleMate]

Congratulations or condolences, whichever you feel is in order. I hope for your sake that the least painful way will open up before you. The long road takes you through not only the end of his marriage, if that happens; but also the question of whether he will immediately come to you, or taste other fruits; whether you will still want him; and whether a love that begins this way can reach a happy equilibrium.

 

Perhaps more so than you, I feel sorry for the soon-to-be-abandoned wife who "got herself pregnant". She is "always upset" and "making this hard for everybody", you say; who do you know who has the patience and courage of a saint such that she could face this situation and make things comfortable for the man who is abandoning her, and his confederate? Would you be any different in her shoes?

 

Peace, peace on you.

[Benedict]

Ah, he says that he told her this, right? Point is: he said something as opposed to doing something. When he actually leaves, now THAT will mean something. Whether he goes right to you will say more, too, right?

 

My guess is that you were unable to stay away from him during any of this - which is not only the right thing to do, but would also tell you a whole lot more about him and you...

 

So, my further guess is that he is probably saying what he needs to say to keep you around. If he's got you around plus his family with a new kid (and trust me, kids are addictive ), why would he not try to keep both? I assure you, that has occurred to him as well...