The ex... duh duh DUH!

[Katherineos123]

So. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months, and we live about two hours away from each other so we only really get to see each other on the weekends.

 

Well, we went out this weekend with some friends of his, and his ex girlfriend happened to be one of them. He's not even really friends with her, they're mostly just civil towards each other. I know he loves me and Im not afraid of anything happening between them, but it really made me feel insecure... and I ended up going to a different part of the bar with one of my friends to avoid being in the group with her... and he stayed.

 

I know this is only my own insecurities, but I cant help but feel threatened. It really upset me that he chose to stay with them (and her) and not come with me even though I was obviously upset.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? How can I get over my insecurities?

[Bearandsue]

Sweetie you are not wrong for feeling the way the way you do. I certainly would not have gone anywhere with him and his ex. She belongs in the past and I prefer if all exes stay that way. If that was me it would be on like donkey Kong. I cannot believe he stayed with her and not with you.

 

In a situation like that I cannot see how anyone would not feel insecure and he basically helped feed that insecurity by sticking with his ex.

[Katherineos123]

Sweetie you are not wrong for feeling the way the way you do. I certainly would not have gone anywhere with him and his ex. She belongs in the past and I prefer if all exes stay that way. If that was me it would be on like donkey Kong. I cannot believe he stayed with her and not with you.

 

In a situation like that I cannot see how anyone would not feel insecure and he basically helped feed that insecurity by sticking with his ex.

 

Thanks so much for your reply...

 

He really made me feel like I was in the wrong for feeling that way... I mean, I walked over to the group, said hi to the people I knew... and told him I was going downstairs. When I told him that I was upset over it, he got all defensive and said "Babe, you know I love you, why cant you be an adult about this?" It was like I was being out of line... Unfair if you ask me.

[hoping2heal]

I don't know anyone who wouldn't be offended if their partner chose an ex over them, which he did when he overlooked your feelings and invalidated how it made you feel. That said, it isn't always as knock on wood obvious. I know I have been guilty of not giving my bf's feelings proper attention in the past because I knew I loved him, so at first I thought some of his claims didn't make sense. That said, I was in the wrong and wether you love your partner and know it or not; when you overlook their feelings it's choosing another person over them. Not something I want to repeat. Maybe he doesn't realise he's doing this, I think the best thing you could do is tell him how it makes you feel and see wether he makes a valid attempt at understanding you a second time around.

[Island Girl]

If the same situation had happened he would be history right then and there.

 

I would have told him that he now had no girlfriend so he should scramble after her and get her back because he wouldn't have me anymore.

 

Yes, that may seem harsh but I am second to NOBODY.

 

If presented with a choice it is me ALWAYS.

 

If the man I am with is confused about that I make it easy for him and *poof* we are no longer together. Situation solved!

 

My feelings better be priority one - next to his self preservation.

 

 

Sorry you are going through this OP. But if he is putting hanging out with his ex above your feelings and then making excuses then he needs to be checked (as in hockey).

 

And the fact that you are 2 hours away - he should be working overtime to make sure you know you are the most important thing in his life.

 

Ugh. I would be so pissed off.

[SophieA]

I agree with IG when it comes to this situation. He should have more respect for your feelings. He shouldn't have put you in such an uncomfortable situation!

[Katherineos123]

Thanks for your responses ladies.

 

Hoping to Heal: Your response really did give me a lot of insight. There have been numerous times when Ive overlooked his emotions, or unnoticed them... and he's gotten upset at me. Sometimes its hard to see that you yourself can be guilty of the same offense that youre hurt over.... Hopefully there wont BE a second time around!

 

IslandGirl: I really do appreciate your advise, but I dont think this is something I would break up with him over... I love him and enjoy being with him too much.... Just a bump in the road... And TRUST me... He got an ear full over it! Haha. But I do agree that sometimes I feel like he doesnt put in the effort that I deserve.

 

Yesturday, He told me that he honestly didnt realize that night that I was THAT upset over this situation, and that he didnt even talk to her that night, that is was moreso the other company in the group.

 

I just felt as though he was taking me for granted. We dont get to see each other more than on the weekends, and then there are some off weeks, where we go 2 weeks without seeing each other! So when we DO get to spend time together, call me crazy.... but I like to actually SEE him!

 

A lot of times he makes me feel like Im "sweating the small stuff" or that I blow things out of proportion, because he honestly doesnt get where Im coming from... or doesnt see where the problem is.... Ughhh....

 

Its just that he is SUCH a guys guy, And I know I can be really needy sometimes...

[KikiW]

Well it seems like you two can talk about this, and that he didn't mean to hurt your feelings since he was looking at it like he was talking to his friends, not his ex.

 

Hopefully he apologized somewhere in there?

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be made to feel special. Even if he's a guy's guy, is it such a bad thing to wrap your arm around your girl and kiss her head, or play with her hair in a public setting? Even small gestures like that can make a gal feel like she's being cared about, even if it's subconscious (not to mention makes a very plain statement to any girls nearby - hello ex-girlfriend I am looking at you - that he is crazy about this one girl and no one else).

 

You are not being needy by wanting to feel like you are the first person who he should be paying attention to. You are being a girlfriend.

 

(If he thinks you sweat the small stuff, ask him how he might feel if you stopped doing the small stuff you do for HIM that makes HIM feel special... Ask if those small things make a difference or if they are so small they are just a waste of your time? No need to be bitter or angry when asking, just something for him to consider, because when people stop doing the small stuff, then they stop doing the medium stuff next, and then they stop doing the big stuff and suddenly they aren't dating anymore and they have no idea what happened... the small stuff matters.)

[Katherineos123]

Thanks again for taking the time to respond to my post. Your responses really made me feel so much better about this situation... Based on the way he reacted I was like "WTF! Am I losing my mind?! Why doesnt he understand why Im feeling this way!?" And it made me think it was me overreacting... when in reality... It was him. UNDERreacting!

 

KikiW: You are SO right! Hahah. Im always doing little cute things for him. Like leaving him notes to find, or texting him just to say im thinking about him and i love him.... And Im POSSITIVE he's miss it if I stoppped!

 

He does do these sweet little things for me too, and they mean much more to me than he knows!

 

I guess the small stuff can be bigger than we thought.

[Island Girl]

I guess the small stuff can be bigger than we thought.

 

Always. The small things are so important.

 

That is why most relationships are in trouble when they go away. And flourishing relationships are generally those that find time and ways to let the other know they are important and loved.

 

I am glad the issue got resolved Katherineos123.