pickleB Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I am a divorced male who is 35 years old. I am currently engaged now to a beautiful woman who has never been married but has been engaged. We have been together for almost two years (minus 6 months in between when I left her). Since we have moved in together (4 months), things have been getting a lot worse in our relationship. The two reasons I left her last time were #1, her nasty attitude about me plus life in general and #2, her progresive lack of interest in me emotionally and sexually. I am at the same juncture now. She constantly talks negatively about everyone she knows or encounters and it has me cringing whenever she walks in the door. As a defense, I just withdrawl and after a while, she is very nice to me, telling me how much she loves me and how wonderful the wedding will be. Lately, any mention of a wedding with her makes me cringe even more (and sometimes quite visibly with jerky motions and muscle tightening). Our sex life has dwindled to once a week or less under the sheets, at night, depending ONLY on when she wants it. This has happened before and we have had numerous discussions about it with the conclusion being - "That is your problem honey... I love you with all of my heart but that is not something I am going to change....my choices will not please everyone every time....quality over quantity" When we broke up before, the reason she told everyone why I left was that I had certain needs that she was not willing to meet, which was quite valid. I am not overly needy about sex though - more than once a week is a basic need for me in any relationship though.. especially with no kids and no real responsibilities. The problem with me is that I have had really close (emotionally, sexually) relationships before and this is not one of them so I try to compare what I have with her vs. what I have experienced. To get to the point here... with all of these troubles with us, she is moving full-steam ahead with the wedding, all the while cursing me under her breath as she walks by half of the time. Do I really not understand women at all or am I in a psycho relationship, or am I the psycho? I have my problems, we all do, but when people are together, shouldn't they generally be happy? We can not sleep together for nights at a time (with me sleeping on the couch) and she will walk out the door every morning telling me how much she loves me... while hugging me like my aunt would (hips way out - no touching of genetalia). Her whole focus through all of this has been how big her ring is, how she will be married and how everyone else can eat $hit. I probably already know the answer to all of this but it is hard to pull the trigger and tell family and friends that I am not getting married and move to some small apartment. It is also hard because invitations go out next week. She is oblivious to it all after all of our arguments, even while cursing me out one minute followed by asking for help figuring out Microsoft Word the next minute followed by her slamming my netbook down on the coffee table. She tells me she loves me 24/7 but her actions and her "under the breath" words (that I can still hear even though I ask her what she was saying) tell me she is unhappy with EVERYTHING. What should I do? Whenever we have talked about this, we end up exactly where we were. She whispered to me a month ago on her way out the door that she has "Never tried to love someone so much". Is that bad?? Pickle Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Trying isn't doing. Things are not going to get better unless some serious counselling takes place. but I hate to say it, it sounds as if you are ready to bail. Why you two keep getting back together is what beats me, but you cannot change her attitude and opinions, Life-view or agenda. She must do that. You? You change yourself. Stop playing along with this wedding rubbish, because ask yourself how honourable you will feel making the vows... The wedding is not about the frills, the bows, the dress, the cake, the reception. The wedding is about making sacred promises to one another in the eyes of God, or at least in front of witnesses.... If that seems an uphill task - then why are you still here? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 A couple of weeks of 'walk free' shock and pain beats a lifetime of marital misery, unless of course you divorce a second time and end up doubly screwed. In a case like this, run. Seriously. There is no reason to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
keechie Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 She sounds crazy! I don't know how you can put up with that. Not all girls are that nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 pickleb,there isn't 1 darn thing in your post that even rings of happiness.you both seem to(for lack of better words)almost hate each other. jhc why would you want to get married? you're not on the same page sexually(very important),hugs you like aunt edna.you marry her you are going to be one miserable sob,hell you're miserable NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Well, obviously don't marry her. How on earth did it get this far into it? She wants a wedding, she wants to be married. It has little to do with you. OR if you are still on the fence: Take a close look at the relationship between her mother and father , siblings and their husbands. Possibly she has the idea that this is the way love and life are supposed to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Do I really not understand women at all or am I in a psycho relationship, or am I the psycho? Yes, you are in a psycho relationship. This woman doesn't love you but she just wants to get married for other people to "eat sht" as she says. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I had a friend who suddenly and without any real reason decided that she desperately wanted to get married by an arbitrary date that she picked out because she thought that was "the age" to get married. She was dating a choad that she complained about constantly, who she was embarassed to introduce to friends, and who she rarely had sex with, yet she was fantisizing about getting married and picking out engagement rings. It was bizarre. I think some women just get fixated on the idea of marriage - but they get obsessed to the point that they no longer attend to their actual relationship. You can totally try to coax her into seeing what she is being like - you can extend a lot of effort in this persuit, but there are no guarantees and from what you describe she may not even realize she's being such a bitch. From personal experience, though (I was a bridezilla 10 years ago when I married my exH - our marriage lasted 3 years)...don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 This sounds awful! This is no way to get married. You will be doing no one any favors if you move forward with this. Yes, it will be awful to break it off, but don't be selfish! (Talking about moving into a smaller apartment -- do what you have to do to avoid yet another failed marriage!) This is not even close. You said not one thing positive about your relationship in your post! How could you even dream of marrying someone when you can't even say one positive thing about her? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 How could you even dream of marrying someone when you can't even say one positive thing about her? Yes, he did. He said: I am currently engaged now to a beautiful woman And you know how important that is to men. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 What is it that you actually "love" about her? NOT physical reasons though.. Is she loving, giving, kind hearted? Either you're scared to let go and the fear of the unknown is freaking you out which is why you are hanging onto someone who treats you like a piece of crap, or you enjoy being abused. GET OUT NOW. Call off the wedding, otherwise you'll be wasting money, wasting your time, energy and love on someone who WILL hurt you deeply as the years go by. This woman is NOT wife material, she isn't someone you can rely on through rough times in life. She'll bail on you! Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I'd like to hear her side of the story, but it would almost be besides the point. The point is that you're obviously very unhappy, and in NO position to be getting married. Put on the brakes. That's not to say you two might not decide to marry in the future, though frankly it appears that she's not the woman for you and probably never will be. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Her whole focus through all of this has been how big her ring is, how she will be married and how everyone else can eat $hit. So that's why she wants to be married - just to get married. You happen to be the guy who is willing to go along with it. Why? Can you really imagine a lifetime with her? Does that sound at all appealing? You sound very passive. You're going along with all her wedding plans and with her 'under her breath' crap, even though it makes you physically flinch and mentally uncomfortable. So what if you have to move to a small apartment? Are you marrying her for her apartment? For her money? What is the point of marrying a beautiful woman if she won't have sex with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Sex once a week would be the deal breaker for me, and I'm the girl. Seriously, that's what newlyweds do. They go at it like rabbits(well, most of them). She's just wanting a wedding, and it doesn't have to be with you. The hobo on the street will do as long as he gives her a big rock. Don't do it. You're not happy, and she's going to eat your head after sex during your honeymoon. Just like the Praying Mantis. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pickleB Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 First off, thank you for all of your replies - this is an awesome forum with really good people. To respond to a couple... Rollercoasterr Sex once a week would be the deal breaker for me, and I'm the girl. Seriously, that's what newlyweds do. They go at it like rabbits(well, most of them). Comments like this affirm my thoughts about what should be normal - thank you. Comments about the praying mantis scare the crap out of me norajane You sound very passive. You're going along with all her wedding plans and with her 'under her breath' crap, even though it makes you physically flinch and mentally uncomfortable. So what if you have to move to a small apartment? Are you marrying her for her apartment? For her money? What is the point of marrying a beautiful woman if she won't have sex with you? Yes, I have been very passive for a while and to a point. I should have stayed apart the first time but times with her at the beggining have been wonderful enough for me to get sucked back in. The biggest reasons I have stayed are pretty simple - fear of being alone and having to tell everyone we broke up. Those are my issues that I need to work on and should not prevent me from doing what needs to be done. Your last comment is quite true. General appearance beauty is not everything - actually it is pretty meaningless when it comes down to living with someone who is not right for you. whichwayisup What is it that you actually "love" about her? NOT physical reasons though.. Is she loving, giving, kind hearted? Either you're scared to let go and the fear of the unknown is freaking you out which is why you are hanging onto someone who treats you like a piece of crap, or you enjoy being abused. She can be very loving at rare times and she is always nice to anyone new that she meets. She adores her cats and treats them well. She is very organized and keeps busy all of the time. She works hard and is responsible. It seems that at the beginning, I was on the inside loop with her, protected from the meaness she talks about everyone and everything else. And no, I do not enjoy being abused... like I said before, just plain fear of being alone has got me to the point I am at now. Ariadne Yes, you are in a psycho relationship. This woman doesn't love you but she just wants to get married for other people to "eat sht" as she says. I think you picked the right one - it is not really either of us individually that are psycho so to speak but together (at least the past several months), the relationship has been only about the wedding and her being obsessed with it. As for the beauty - true, at the beginning, it made it very easy to overlook other issues as they came up...in the end though, it is quite meaningless. mark982 marry her you are going to be one miserable sob,hell you're miserable NOW. Quite right...I am at the point of misery that is more painful than the consequences of leaving and being alone, again. TaraMaiden Trying isn't doing. Exactly... I have put it off for a while, hoping things would get better... for example, she sold a house several months ago and every waking second with her was about selling the house and after a fight, we agreed that it would be better after we got settled in to an apartment with less housework and no lawn. It never materialized when we moved here though and has only gotton worse. Again, thank you for all of your posts, mostly concluding what I already knew I had to do but it is very reassuring to hear what you have said. I am not perfect in any means and have many faults too so it is not a one sided story really - bottom line is that we are not happy and have not been for a loooong time. I want her to be happy too and she obviously is not. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 The biggest reasons I have stayed are pretty simple - fear of being alone and having to tell everyone we broke up. You need to compare that with being alone WHILE married, and telling people that you're getting a divorce after wasting years of your life married and miserable. Your fear of being alone is NOTHING compared to the awful feeling of being alone, emotionally and sexually starved in a bad marriage. Just because you're married does not mean you won't be alone. How alone do you think you'll feel when she's constantly rejecting you sexually and treating you like furniture emotionally? And if you do marry her, you will cut yourself off from finding someone who can and does make you feel special and loved. Last, but not least, she is making you miserable NOW, when, presumably, she's on her best behavior to make sure the wedding happens. How much worse do you think it will be once the wedding part is over and you become useless to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pickleB Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 You are exactly correct on the last part especially. I see the "best behavior" every day but can see right through it. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason she wants to get married is for an alimony payment bc she is all about money. As I have been writing all of this, I am reading it too and seeing in black and white how bad it really is and how duped I have been. Big decisions will be made very soon. Thanks for posting. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 it's really nice that you want to see her happy,but the main thing is we're only here for so many days,make the best of them for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
JustLooking123 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I think this is a good example of a couple who broke up, didn't address the problem/reason for the breakup, then got back together expecting things to be different/better. She sounds very unpleasant. This would not be a happy marriage. Spend your upcoming alone-time trying to figure out why you stayed in a relationship this toxic, and what drew you to a woman like this, when there are emotionally stable people out there. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 well you could see if she was just looking for a alimony payment,by saying"honey i ain't getting married w/o a pre-nup which states no alimony" then gauge her reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pickleB Posted May 31, 2009 Author Share Posted May 31, 2009 I have been on the fence with this relationship for a while but stiill have known what has needed to be done. After this morning, I have made a decision, found out where to live and am leaving her. This morning (refer to my "men and porn" post), I was dowloading some videos. She came out and asked me why I thought I should only be downloading them for me. When I heard that, I could only think... too little, too late. It has never been an issue before and I have hidden NOTHING from her; surfing for videos all of the time lately. So she tells me to download them and tells me that "you are not the only one who is horny". Whatever.... Fine... I very reluctantly went along with it and got the videos loaded (I am afterall a weak man, so I will go along with any opportunity for sex). So she goes to the bathroom and I take the comforter off the bed (always required - sex is very messy and dirty - according to her) ...... when she gets out of the bathroom, her phone rings.....It is her sister who she hasn't talked to for two days...maybe 1. I waited in the bedroom for about 10 minutes and then just took a shower. After all of that, she is still on the phone... so I just left and went driving. She called me about a half hour later asking me what was wrong so I told her and hung up on her. When I got back, I gave her my portion of the monthly rent payment and told her I was getting an apartment. Since then, she has tried to pretend everything is ok and I have made it clear that it is not. At least she has not mentioned the wedding at all today so that is good.... she can actually deduct from me not wanting to live with her, that we are not going to get married -congrats. I am at the point now that no matter how nicey-nice she is being right now, I just want to get out. She has no respect for me and I probably have none for her. From the little I have written (one-sided of course), is there anything worth salvaging here? PickleB Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 From the little I have written (one-sided of course), is there anything worth salvaging here? PickleB Yes, your own sanity and well being. There are plenty of women out there, and one day you'll find one who will make you hit your knees and thank whatever powers that be that you had the strength to walk away from this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pickleB Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 Well said and I agree totally. I already told one of my friends today that I was leaving her.. I still have not moved out though - it will be a couple of days. She is still pretending nothing is wrong, even after I told her I was moving out. I have not returned any phone calls, emails or txts from her, am sleeping on the couch, am never in the same room as her... but she is going on like life is normal. To refer to an earlier post, yes, she is Psycho. I do know that there are normal, stable women out there too and once I take some time to work on myself for a while and reflect on how I allowed this to get so bad, I hope to meet one. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 she can actually deduct from me not wanting to live with her, that we are not going to get married -congrats. I'm glad you're making plans to move out, but why haven't you told her you are calling off the engagement and the wedding? Why not just tell her that instead of waiting for her to deduce it from your moving out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pickleB Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 I said that kind of sarcastically. She has a constant unawareness of how the world really is, even after I tell her. Wouldn't any "normal" person be able to deduce that something is very wrong and that you are not getting married if your SO gets fed up, stops taking your calls and moves out? True, I didn't spell it in black and white that we are not getting married - I will tonight. Just tonight, she mentioned some BS about wedding envelopes and all I could do is chuckle. This is truly the most twisted relationship I have ever been in - because of her and me. The hardest part of all of this (as other people have mentioned), is that I need to figure out why I let it go this far, why I have been so passive and how to work on improving. Tonight is black and white night - I will post the aftermath tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
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