Ariadne Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Wouldn't any "normal" person be able to deduce that something is very wrong and that you are not getting married if your SO gets fed up, stops taking your calls and moves out? Not in this case. She is probably going to be oblivious to that fact until the end and try and continue with the wedding. Glad you told your friends already, think of it as you dodged a bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pickleB Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 I did dodge her bullet but still failed - I wanted to be married and happy and have a family just as much as she did... Doesn't work if you are not compatible though. We are both kidless, want to have kids and are getting older and I think we threw everything else aside in being together - for the sake of having what everyone else has at our age. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 still failed - I wanted to be married and happy and have a family just as much as she did... Yeah, most people here do too Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 This is obvious - stay with her, so you can be unhappy, miserable, cheated on, ranted at, financially screwed, and get your life ruined! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pickleB Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 I told her we were not getting married and she STILL told me that she was going with her sister to get her dress fitted. Psycho is not the word here....it is far deeper than psycho. I told her I was moving out, I created a Word document with her two options in it for the transition (required - she works at a law firm and wanted me to sign some BS about paying half the rent when we moved in here while both being on the lease.... I didn't). I told her I was not marrying her and to not spend any more money or time on anything wedding related. The two options in the word document were #1.) give me back the ring and she can have the furniture and I will pay my half of the rent until the lease is up in August. #2,) she will keep the ring, I will take everything I own, I will send a notice to immediately vacate for our apt (we are joint tennants) and I will sue her for the ring which is almost a certain thing in this state. Given the last thing I said, I should just do #2 but I want to make it easier for her... don't know why - it is probably part of the reason I let things get this far. So, she never picked an option and this morning she put a picture collage she made for me before we broke up last time on the bed with a note that said "I love all of our memories together, most of all, I Love You!" When I saw it, I cringed and crinkled up the paper and threw the collage in the dumpster. We have talked and discussed everything over and over the past few days (and weeks) with no resolution, and now that I have let her know that we will not be together.... it doesn't phase her. It is exactly like the Seinfeld episode where Geroge is dating a woman who won't let him break up with her. I am hoping she will get a clue when she doesn't see me here and starts seeing things dissapearing from the apartment. What else can I say or do to get this done?? She just does not get it. Frustrated Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 It is exactly like the Seinfeld episode where Geroge is dating a woman who won't let him break up with her. That is so weird! Maybe she doesn't believe you and thinks you just have cold feet? I don't know - she sounds like a nutjob. She should have been asking you why, what made you unhappy, etc. Who is paying for this wedding? If it's her parents, perhaps you should contact them so they don't end up putting down deposits on caterers and flowers and things, or if they've already done it, so they can start canceling arrangements. They might also be able to more gently help her understand what is happening, or get her to a counselor if she's really delusional. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pickleB Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 I have told her all I can tell her, not really sure what else I can say. I have told her in black and white terms what has made me unhappy and her response is ALWAYS "I love you the best way I know how, the choices I make will not please everyone.....blah...blah.." There is no getting through to her, at all. As for the wedding expenses, her parents gave her $1000 for the wedding but she has kept that in one of her accounts and has not used it. We have paid for everything (~$4000) so far at 50% each (she has a very detailed spreadsheet), which is nice. One of my conditions in option 1 that I didn't mention was that she return half of all wedding deposits, if available. Don't know if that will ever happen and really don't care. I don't feel this is a woman I can ever trust with anything so all I can do is take this experience as a learning opportunity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pickleB Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 She got home 5 hours after work and we finally talked again for 3 hours. It included pretty much all of the stages of grief on her part. There was animosity. denial and eventually crying (her). When she was crying on me, she asked why I haven't been crying and I told her the truth-I already did my share with the way she has treated me. In one part of this madness, I asked her why she was so negative about sex - she told me that she was in a relationship once in which that is all they did, so apparently that ruined sex for her. She told me the last bloke she was engaged to wanted it every night and it sounded like I finally had the truth on why that relationship ended. She told me she has never had a better lover than me and she almost sucked me back in with all of that. At one point during all of this, she told me "why don't we just have sex now?" As a male, my thoughts processed for at least a minute - no speaking. I gathered what was left of my sanity and dignity and told her no - it is just not right. That was a hard call for me and it shouldn't have been - more stuff I need to work on. I told my Dad and my boss today that I was not getting married and I am staying with my Dad the next two nights. She told me that I could keep the apartment this morning if we could be roomates (which we have been for some time). I don't want to see her for another 2 months so think I am just going to get my own apartment and pay her half of the rent if she gives the ring back (which she has still refused to do...court). This is the saddest, nastiest relationship I have ever experienced and I am very thankful for the advice people on her have given me. I told her and showed her the posts I made on here last night and she said "You can't take advice from the Internet". Actually, I can because you are real people and offer unbiased advice based on your opinions. Most of the advice said "RUN" ....which is what I probably already knew needed to be done and am doing. On another note, I got into my car this morning, sat down and was looking at my entire dashboard hanging down on my lap. Someone had destroyed my dash, removed the radio and took my GPS which was hidden in a console. Nothing else was taken. I live in a very nice neighborhood (meaning little to criminals) and I know I locked my car last night and I didn't see any signs of forced entry. I have not talked to her yet about this because she is 2 hours late from work still but I will be getting my car keys back from her keychain. I made a report to the police department and they said there were NO other reports made lately in my area. I cannot prove it is her or that she even has the mental capacity to break apart a dashboard - it is a strange coincidence though with everything that is going on. Maybe it is just bad Kharma from the way I have handled everything. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 (Karma is not punitive. It is merely a process. It happens as a result of actions, but goodness knows what they were. There is also good karma. People forget that.) And it does not mean we should sit back and take the vandalism, and shrug our shoulders. Tell her you have had your car vandalised and you have called the Police. You are very well out of this one.... Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I asked her why she was so negative about sex She told me the last bloke she was engaged to wanted it every night "why don't we just have sex now?" That was a hard call for me Very predictable. Well, I think you are going to give in to her convincing you. Especially since she wants to be roomates. She wants that wedding bad and will do anything for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pickleB Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 After she got home 5 hours after work today, she has finally accepted this and tells me she has told her friends - thank god/goddess. Following her late arrival, we had a several hour long discussion cursing each other out and getting no where. My mind has already been made up so at several points I just told her to stop talking....at one point, I left the room and that seemed to make things better. When we continued this marathon discussion, she mentioned that whoever had broken into my car must have had some balls doing that in broad daylight. I am not even certain when someone broke into the car and I am quite sure it would have been in late night. Why would she make a comment like that? Once I got suspicious after that, she asked me where she would ever put a car stereo and my gps. Not sure on this one....we all have BS detectors built into us and mine went crazy as we talked about it. In the end, I don't care about any of this - just want to be psycho-free. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 she has finally accepted this we had a several hour long discussion cursing each other out we continued this marathon discussion whoever had broken into my car must have had some balls She is just saying that for you to believe that she accepted, while working on you while in the apt. And the car, if it was her (most likely) you are dealing with mega psycho. Be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
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