Two-timing must stop!

[andreautick]

Hello!

I'm back with the next saga in the situation I've been posting for the past couple weeks. My boyfriend and I have broken up 4 times in the past 7 months. We've been back together for a month, and it's hard for me to get my old feelings back. Yet, he's been really, REALLY sweet lately (he's been totally different than he's ever been before, even though he's always beena great guy to me). So, I'm starting to have more of the same old feelings for him. Our breakups have been because he is ultimately afraid of commitment (i.e. marriage and kids--he doesn't want them) and I am not afraid of those commitments. It's a rocky situation and I've been thinking about dumping him for awhile, but he's been too great lately.

 

Enter a guy I'll call Ben. He's the physical ideal all women dream of (tall, built, handsome, hygenic), he's nice, he's smart, we have similar interests...plus he laughs at my jokes. He asks me on a date and I'm very attracted to him and I want to get to know him better.

 

So, he comes over tonight to watch a movie in my room (we live in the same dorm, we're Juniors in college...and my boyfriend is out of town tonight). We watch the movie and he cuddles with me and holds my hand and we end up making out for 2 hours (I set some stringent boundaries and he respected them--about how far "making out" could go). It was great, but it showed me that he's really physical. Him and my boyfriend are just completely different. He's masculine to a tee (although I sense a soft spot if I get to know him better), and my boyfriend has been mistaken for gay because he's so sensitive and understanding to women (he is NOT gay). I don't feel guilty and I don't feel like I ever want to tell my boyfriend. Those feelings are odd for me, because I'm usually a very moral and honest person.

 

So, the problem is that their differences made me think of all the things I love about my boyfriend, all the while Ben was sweeping me off my feet. I am not cut out to be a two-timer and I hate this situation. So, one of the guys has to go. Not right away, but soon. WHat course of action do you all recommend? What do you think would be best?

 

Sorry this is so long, but it's complicated as all these love stories are

[Ryan]

I'd say go for neither.

 

Your current relationship is beyond dead. 4 breakups in 7 months is 3 too many. This other fellow is giving you attention, but you're not in a rational state of mind, so it feels more fulfilling. It won't be.

 

You need time to step back and evaluate yourself....think about why you would even bring up marriage and kids to someone a few months into a relationship....why you would STAY with someone who did not fit your long-term goals...and why you can't let go on your own. There's only one constant in this chaos.

[TremblingBluStar]

Don't take this the wrong way, but this is one of the things that really pisses me off about women. You prefer the "manly" man over the kind, sensitive man. Did it occur to you that this guy is sweeping you off your feet because he wants sex? That's certainly how it sounds to me. I would seriously doubt the intentions of any guy who would make out with a girl who is involved with another guy, no matter how inviting the girl makes it. It also sounds to me like he tried taking things farther with you, but you stopped him. What an ass!

 

A guy can be both an aggressive, take charge kind of person and respect the boundaries and feelings of someone he is inerested in. It sounds to me like this other guy is a walking hormone, who simply doesn't care how anything he does affects you or the guy your with so long as he gets some.

 

I suppose it's a lesson most women have to learn at some point.

[andreautick]

To clarify,

 

First of all, my boyfriend and I have been dating a year and marriage and kids came up because we're in love and we talk about our goals--they are some of my goals. I wasn't pressuring him, and I never have. But, if the person I'm with doesn't share those goals, it's not going to work. We both know that. But, one-on-one we get along great and we do love eachother. That's why I'm still with him.

 

Secondly, I do prefer sensitivity to aggressiveness. That's why the whole time Ben was over, I was thinking about the things that I love about my boyfriend (sensitivity, tenderness, all of that). But, Ben seems like he may have a soft spot too, I just don't know him well enough. I mean, I've had one date with him. I told him that I don't have sex until I'm in a very committed relationship, and I set a lot of boundaries, too. He did respect all of that and never questioned it. He wasn't just trying to get into my pants the whole time. He told me he never came to my room with those intentions and he followed through on that. We did a lot of cuddling and talking, too.

 

Third, after having broken up 4 times with contestant number one, I'm healed. I've cried, I've grieved--I've done it all. We were broken up for 2 weeks this last time, and I got it all out of my system. I'm an emotionally healthy person, that's not the issue. I've stayed with someone who doesn't fit my long term goals because I do love him and I hate to throw that away. And, I know that another guy giving me attention is just that...it doesn't make me irrational. I'm used to male attention, to be honest. It's the fact that I'm really, really attracted to him--and not just physically.

[andreautick]

Another note:

 

Ben doesn't know that I'm involved. I guess I want to see my boyfriend, but I don't feel like it's serious and I'm not married so I let what happenned, happen. I should feel guilty, and I don't. But, Ben did not know any of that.

[Ryan]

Third, after having broken up 4 times with contestant number one, I'm healed. I've cried, I've grieved--I've done it all. We were broken up for 2 weeks this last time, and I got it all out of my system.

 

Except the part where you actually break up....which means you've done nothing. You're riding a loop.

 

I've stayed with someone who doesn't fit my long term goals because I do love him and I hate to throw that away.

 

Listen to what you are saying:

"This person does not meet my standards for what I want in a relationship. I stay with this person."

 

Relationships end. Yours did after your first breakup, which was apparently 7 months ago. Neither of you wants to admit it.

 

Is this your first long-term relationship? Given your age, it seems likely...which would entirely explain the mindset and behavior.

[andreautick]

No, this is not my first long relationship. I dated a guy for 3 years before this (with a year and a half in between these two relationships). I'm 20. I dumped the 1st guy, no sweat.

 

I see what you're saying, Ryan. I've thought that all myself, I'm not a dumb girl. But it's hard when you feel very, deeply connected to somebody. I don't know if you've been in a situation like that or not.

 

So, to clarify, you think I should dump my boyfriend once and for all....even though I'm happy with him right now, and he's been very sweet? I hate dumping people (it beats getting dumped though), and I don't know how to dump someone who is so darling.

[TremblingBluStar]

Originally posted by andreautick I don't know how to dump someone who is so darling.

Trust me, in the end he will be hurt a lot less than if you guys stay together, and months or years down the road he finds out you've been making out, or having sex with guys you find more attractive than he. What you are doing is trying to hide from the responsibility, or the guilt of breaking it off. It's an incredibly selfish thing to do, although you've seem to have convinced yourself it's because you care for your boyfriend.

 

Also, I can remember a couple years back, when I was your age I had no clue what "in love" meant. You're not in love with your boyfriend. If you were, you wouldn't think about breaking up with him. You wouldn't be making out with other guys. You wouldn't think your boyfriend isn't right for you, and chasing after the first frat boy that comes your way.

 

I don't know you, of course. But from what you've written, I don't honestly believe you care about your boyfriend. I don't think you want to comtemplate the idea that you're not the sweetest girl in the world, but you don't appear to have any problem acting in your own best interests at the expense of others.

[Ryan]

I've thought that all myself, I'm not a dumb girl.

 

It's not about being smart or dumb, and I never meant to insinuate you were. Such concepts are irrelevant when talking about emotions. It's more about self-awareness, which can be very difficult when you are on the inside.

 

But it's hard when you feel very, deeply connected to somebody.

 

You were not deeply connected when you first broke up....which was 5 months into the relationship (based on the numbers you've provided). You AREN'T deeply connected if you entertain ideas of other men.

 

Nobody ever said it had to be easy to be true.

[andreautick]

Right,

I know what you mean about the deeply connected thing. I mean, I feel pretty detached from our relationship because our breakups have hurt me and our relationship so much. This is why I can kiss another guy and think about another guy. But to him, just as a person, I feel very close. He's a very kindred spirit and we know eachother so extremely well and we get along very well. But, I don't know if that can be enough. I think him and I have struggled with that all along.

 

I agree with a lot of the things you've pointed out, and it's hard to realize those things fully from the inside. I know I have to break up with him sooner or later (better it be sooner THAN later, because I don't do this much longer--the two guy bit). Plus, we've had big problems, big issues and big hurt way too early in the relationship. But, I just don't know how to do it while he is being so sweet and putting forth so much effort.

[moimeme]

....think about why you would even bring up marriage and kids to someone a few months into a relationship....

 

Actually, I think that should be one of the earlier conversations - precisely because, as you asked:

 

why you would STAY with someone who did not fit your long-term goals...

[andreautick]

Tremblingblustar,

 

I haven't addressed your comments. I am a sensible and good person who knows she is doing something wrong right now. I'm not just some blithering idiot who runs after "the first frat boy who comes along." I have high standards for men and I think hard about my love life before I act, believe it or not.

 

I don't appreciate you painting me as some horrible wretch who is doing wrong by her boyfriend out of selfishness. He has hurt me repeatedly and I've stuck by him and had very high hopes for our relationship, and tried and tried for him...I think that shows that I love him. Since our last breakup, things changed because I have been hurt so much by him and I don't think it's my fault that I feel hurt. Yet, I've kept trying. Then lately, this guy comes a long who is a breath of fresh air. So maybe I don't love my boyfriend as I once did, and maybe I'm not in love...but I don't think you can judge whether or not I love him as a person--which I do, very much. I don't appreciate your judgments, and I'm sorry to be so direct about it, but you were pretty harsh.

 

He has acted in his own best interest at the expense of me over and over, and I have no trouble admitting I'm not doing the right thing right now--and that I'm not the "sweetest girl in the world." So maybe next time you can quit assuming before you type because you've got me all wrong.

[moimeme]

But to him, just as a person, I feel very close. He's a very kindred spirit and we know eachother so extremely well and we get along very well. But, I don't know if that can be enough. I think him and I have struggled with that all along.

 

It would be much easier if, in breaking up with someone, we could just dislike them or hate them and be done with it. Certainly the guys who turn out to be total jerks, cheaters, and/or liars become easy to dislike, however sometimes, as in your case, there is just not enough compatibility for a partnership even though the person is a great person. Rent 'The Way We Were', buy several boxes of kleenex, and then do the right thing.

[andreautick]

Moimeme,

 

That is great advice. Thank you for that. I guess I know a lot of what you said, but it's just so hard to actually dump someone you do love as a person but aren't compatible with. I've never had to, the only guys I've broken up with have been jerks. I thought that this great guy may give me the final push to do what I've needed to do for a long time, but it's beyond that. So, I'll follow your advice the next change I get, thank you:)

[TremblingBluStar]

Originally posted by andreautick I'm not just some blithering idiot who runs after "the first frat boy who comes along." I have high standards for men and I think hard about my love life before I act, believe it or not.

I'm just making an interpretation based on your initial post and your description. Don't take my judgements so personally, as they are coming from someone who doesn't have all the facts. Still, the whole "I made out with him because he's more masculine" line rubbed me the wrong way, so I apologize for being so harsh about it.

 

Imagine how a woman would react to a guy saying "I love my girlfriend, but this other girl had a huge chest so I just had to make out with her!" The guy would no doubt be torn to shreds by most women.

 

I don't appreciate you painting me as some horrible wretch who is doing wrong by her boyfriend out of selfishness. He has hurt me repeatedly and I've stuck by him and had very high hopes for our relationship, and tried and tried for him...I think that shows that I love him.

I'm sorry if you explained this, and I didn't pick up on it. As I said, I don't have complete information. On the other hand, I do think what you did was selfish and hurtful - not only to your boyfriend but to the other guy. I know if I made out with a girl, and found out later she had a boyfriend and didn't tell me, I'd be hurt.

He has acted in his own best interest at the expense of me over and over, and I have no trouble admitting I'm not doing the right thing right now--and that I'm not the "sweetest girl in the world." So maybe next time you can quit assuming before you type because you've got me all wrong.

Like I said, don't take it so personally. I'm not a mind reader, so I can only make assumptions based on the incomplete information you've given and hope I say something helpful. Based on what you wrote in your first post, you love your boyfriend, but made out with a guy you find more attractive and want opinions. I gave mine.