Author nocontact2 Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 I answer every time he calls!!!! I told him I wanted to begin seeing a therapist if in fact we are ending things and thats how he felt about me, our children and pregnancy. he said I dont need a therapist...he has what i need...he knows how to make me happy.... i am so nauseated and exhausted, physically, emotionally...i just dont even know what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 he said I dont need a therapist...he has what i need...he knows how to make me happy.... Ewwwww! Absolutely creepy! i am so nauseated and exhausted, physically, emotionally...i just dont even know what to do.... Buy some condoms and stop popping out babies everytime he gives you "what you need". Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 he will call me multiple times in a day...then i just out of no where look over and we at stop light right next to each other. he just keeps looking over at me the entire time, then as light turns green tries to drive and look at me...i rolled down window and just waved. He hasnt called me since...that was yesterday...today he traveled away for work...WTF??? :confused::confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 YOU HAVE THE CHOICE!!! YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR EMOTIONS! YOU ARE STRONGER THAN WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS YOU. this man has used you, objectified you, basically made you his slave, all because you fall to his whim. But you have the choice. You can say no. You can fight for yourself and demand respect. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 he will call me multiple times in a day...then i just out of no where look over and we at stop light right next to each other. he just keeps looking over at me the entire time, then as light turns green tries to drive and look at me...i rolled down window and just waved. He hasnt called me since...that was yesterday...today he traveled away for work...WTF??? :confused::confused: He is playing with your emotions. He knows that you are really unaware of the game he is playing. Based on what you are saying he is doing and saying to you, he doesn't have ANYTHING in place for the children you have had with him. It really sounds like he plans on disappearing one day in the near future. I don't think he ever planned to have three children with his mistress. I'm willing to bet that the other two children are under the age of three? Please get to a lawyer ASAP. This guy is trying to pull a John Edwards on you, but without the fancy mansion as hush money for having his child. While you are busy trying to figure out "what it meeeeeanns?!!!!", he's busy coming up with his plan to abandon you with those children one day while getting his rocks off with you for the time being. Please SEE A LAWYER ASAP!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 i dont feel strong when i am around him, on phone with him, he text me... its like i am a schoolgirl...giddy and smiling. he knows if he doesnt fulfill our arrangement then i will go straight to an attorney. he doesnt want that so he hasnt ever violated our agreement. if he does i will go to attorney. i still think i need to go to a therapist... he is really against this... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 A therapist and a lawyer. Fast! He is BANKING on you not going to the lawyer, so in his own way, he's threatening you. And he knows how to manipulate you since he's fully aware of the effect he has on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 I know he knows his effect on me. i have told him many times its not fair the control he has over me...it is not right. i think i am going to just look for a therapist and start going...they cant reveal anything we say in therapy anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 i think i am going to just look for a therapist and start going...they cant reveal anything we say in therapy anyway... Now you're talking. Its totally confidential anyway, so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 Thank you for your support... if your are wondering why i am up at this time its because he just called me. He does that...he will call me at all different hours of the night at any day of the week. It makes me feel like he is checking to see if I have anyone else in bed next to me???? Like his way of checking up on me??? Maybe I am reading too much into it.... Good night Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 Sounds like you are really enjoying the drama of the back and forth. Either stay in the relationship and be the OW or end it. You do have a choice. You have a choice to quit this childish behavior. Your children have no choice in who their parents are. They need parents who are adults; not adults who are acting like children with these games of back and forth. Stop the games. Stop the playing. Be his lover or be his ex lover but MAKE A CHOICE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 I cant leave him. I love him we have been together so longer and we have a family together. He takes good care of us. He has gone through a lot with his wife knowing, his children knowing, and we are still together. If it was just sex he wouldve moved on to another woman. He can have anyone he wants. He is a beautiful man. He made a mistake with his words of anger. We have both said and done things on this up and down situation. And we always make it through. I am blunt and sometimes downright mean. I've told him he cant be "loyal" by staying in a marriage he constantly cheats on his wife with me. He cant be a "good father" by constantly lying to his older children. It comes down to him really suffering...it kills him to be away from me and our children. But if he divorces her he destroys that family, to build ours. If he doesnt he knows he destroys us and our family. I asked him, what he is going to tell our children when they want to know where daddy is, why isnt he staying? He cried and just said "I dont know?" So, I cant do NC. I am in love with him will all my being. Many men ask me out, even know I'm in a relationship with MM. Several single men have purposed marriage to me even though i am pregnant...they want me and all the children. But honestly, no man attracts me. I would rather be alone in bed at night for the right reasons (loyal to man I love him unconditionally...) than to be with a man I could never be fair to because my heart belongs to my MM. I feel I will always be with him all my life...in whatever capacity it might be in...I almost think he wants his wife to file for divorce, so its not all on him, in regards to his older children. He leaves so much out, he calls me from his home, when she is there...he comes by on christmas day, valentines, etc. He has thrown himself into work so much that he travels nearly 25 to 27 of 30 days of the month. He wants me to know that he too sleeps alone at night, just in a hotel. Its like his way of being faithful to me??? Or perhaps separating from his wife without moving out?????? I love him, I love our family...I love his other children, because they are part of him, even though Im closer to their age then his. But, all I can do is wait....He has my entire heart....I cant live without him...I dont want to live without him.... Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Your past and your experience with your father leaving has undoubtedly set you up for a lifetime of unhealthy relationships. Unfortunately that destructive pattern is now influencing your soon to be three children who in all probability will be effected by their upbringing in the same way as you have been, and thus the cycle will continue. It's totally ironic that you berate this MM for not loving your children, but you aren't exactly showing them much love yourself, by continuing with this utterly poisonous relationship. Until you see this and gain enough self-worth and/or start to love your children as they deserve, you won't want to start behaving in an appropriate way that will give your and your children a decent chance to have healthy relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Your past and your experience with your father leaving has undoubtedly set you up for a lifetime of unhealthy relationships. Unfortunately that destructive pattern is now influencing your soon to be three children who in all probability will be effected by their upbringing in the same way as you have been, and thus the cycle will continue. It's totally ironic that you berate this MM for not loving your children, but you aren't exactly showing them much love yourself, by continuing with this utterly poisonous relationship. Until you see this and gain enough self-worth and/or start to love your children as they deserve, you won't want to start behaving in an appropriate way that will give your and your children a decent chance to have healthy relationships. So true. This is going to continue with the next generation, your children. Do you not see what the situation you have set up and enabled? They are watching, little sponges, absorbing it all. Even if you think they aren't aware, studies show parents actions have a huge impact even when the children aren't conscious of the actions. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 ***I'm really not sure that implying nocontact2 is a bad or neglectful mother is helpful. *** It sounds like you're stuck in bad place, wanting contact with him, knowing it's poisonous and yet you have to have some contact for the sake of the kids. I think going to a therapist can be helpful for you no matter what you decide to do. If you're contacing him again, you're obviously not ready to make the break yet. Be gentle with yourself. Don't let him convince you he has "what you need". You are a complete person and he is not the only person on earth who will accept you or make you happy. For him to imply otherwise is actually an insult - that you can't be complete without him, that you need him more than he needs you. Further, NO ONE can fill in holes within yourself caused by your childhood or anything else. You have to do that yourself. It sounds as if he's been pretty clear that he's not going to establish the kind of relationship you want and deserve because this arrangement works just fine for him. And coming from my own experience, I know it can be much easier to stay put and let the drama of his situation distract you from work you need to do on yourself. But in the end, it becomes a vicious cycle of mood swings (anger, depression, and then the high of the good moments) and prevents you from really achieving happiness. Best of luck to you and your children. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 ***I'm really not sure that implying nocontact2 is a bad or neglectful mother is helpful. *** First off, I wasn't implying it. She is not her actions and its they that are unhealthy. Secondly, I disagree with your sentiment. I think its very helpful to point out where someone's actions are not only detrimental to them, but also to the people they love and are responsible for. Parts of your post are contradictory - either she is a whole person or she's not. I rather suspect that right now, her emotions are directing her into such harmful acts that she is not 'whole' or a better expression might be - stable. The only way out of this is for her to recognise the effect her thoughts are having on her emotions that are driving her actions and seek help to address them. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 First off, I wasn't implying it. She is not her actions and its they that are unhealthy. Secondly, I disagree with your sentiment. I think its very helpful to point out where someone's actions are not only detrimental to them, but also to the people they love and are responsible for. While I agree with most of your sentiment, parts of your post are contradictory as well. We are all known by our actions. Our actions can either condemn us to a lifetime of failures or we can redeem ourselves via our actions. I don't think that nocontact2 is a bad person either. I think that she is in an emotionally volatile place and can't see the forrest for the trees. She's been convinced by this man that doesn't even have an entire week in any month for her (so-called travelling for work) and the kids, that he somehow has what she needs because he makes their life comfy (money, implied). She has no idea of her self-worth though. Noone that loves themselves and is truly looking out for themselves in a healthy way would put up with any of this. He's got her convinced that she needs him when its the other way around. He needs someone under his thumb and his W and their children together apparently wouldn't submit to his rule like nocontact2 has. If she's not willing to end the relationship for herself, I hope she does it for her children. Or she is setting them up for the same life and frustrations in life that she has dealt with (no amount of money makes a person immune to emotional pain). (Bentnotbroken - generational c*rs* concept, I don't believe they are spiritual but environmental but I think this qualifies) Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 While I agree with most of your sentiment' date=' parts of your post are contradictory as well. [/quote']Where? Genuinely interested as I don't see where. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Where? Genuinely interested as I don't see where. I explained it in the post you quote. "She isn't her actions" was your sentiment. Like I said, I do agree but to a point, our actions do define others' experiences of "us". Her actions have allowed her into this position. She might not be her actions, but right now, her life and its consequences are the sum total of her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 I explained it in the post you quote. "She isn't her actions" was your sentiment. Like I said, I do agree but to a point, our actions do define others' experiences of "us". Her actions have allowed her into this position. She might not be her actions, but right now, her life and its consequences are the sum total of her actions. You said I was contradicting myself. Where did I? You are merely reiterating what I've already stated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 luckily enough right now our children are young enough not to question or know the difference. MM is well aware the time is soon approaching that this will become an important issue. One that i think will push him to make that hard decision to stay or leave his W. People say MM usually wont leave if they have children with W. Well, how does the dynamic change when they have essentially 2 families since MM has same number of children with OW as he does W? Only exception...children with W are young adult and out of home, where ours are just entering world, or toddlers/infants.... Hard choice for him to make...he truly loves all of his children.... Link to post Share on other sites
Heather1 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 If nothing else, have him get a vasectomy. I'm so surprised he doesn't have one already!! He must have wanted another family, or missed sex ed?? You might have to consider he will never leave his W & be OK w/ that. Maybe that's what you should focus on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 I've mentioned him getting a vasectomy. Im too young to get anything permanent done, he isnt. but he wont get one. i am preparing myself, because i know i cant leave him, so i may have to accept whatever circumstances our relationship must exist. his W and older children know and obviously they are accepting of it...as she has not left him, yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Have you considered that he's got this situation EXACTLY where he wants it? Two women meeting all of his needs, providing him families, etc... Do you REALLY believe that he wants to change and end his marriage, or do you think that he's more likely wanting to keep the status quo? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 I've mentioned him getting a vasectomy. Im too young to get anything permanent done, he isnt. but he wont get one. i am preparing myself, because i know i cant leave him, so i may have to accept whatever circumstances our relationship must exist. his W and older children know and obviously they are accepting of it...as she has not left him, yet. LOL so that's just it, lay down and take it??? No consequences for his actions? just justifying and being in denial. You say you cant leave him? WTF woman you arent married to him, your just a doormat who accepts it because either it's all you know or you like it or in your deluded mind your gonna make him part of your family. God this man is a parasite, what man in his right mind would go around having babies with all these women and he's married too? His kids hate him, his wife loathes him, but for financial reasons he stays. he doesnt want you or your children, he barely even acknowledges them!!!! Lady wake up!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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