1st time no contact declared, now what???

[joyz]

People say MM usually wont leave if they have children with W. Well, how does the dynamic change when they have essentially 2 families since MM has same number of children with OW as he does W?

 

Hard choice for him to make...he truly loves all of his children....

 

i hope ur logic for the subsequent pregnacies wasn't to even out the score (having the same number of children w him as his W) and to increase ur odds of marriage. It doesn't matter if u have 1 or 10 kids w him, the one ur tying down is urself not him. pls understand that. don't use ur children in ur quest to get MM, or any man, to marry u. you urself should be what he wants and can't live w/out.

[Stepone]

I can actually see where you're coming from, by reading your posts. In your position I would be thinking, the logical thing for him to do would seem to be to make a clean break from his wife and older children for you. He loathes his wife, and the fact is he is away from them most of the time anyway - why wouldn't he just spend that time with you and his young kids who he claims to love so much? Surely noone can love money so much. If they do, what kind of person does it make them.

 

Especially when he is holding you to so much, he is "trapping" you by impregnating you again and again, and feeding you the promises which will keep you from moving on....

 

What is screaming out to me is that he doesn't care about you, or he would be able to see in his heart how he is hurting you and tearing your lfie apart, the way any decent person looking at this situation can. Actions speak louder than words.

 

He is a coward and it is time to break free from him, by NC. Your children will be better off not seeing him at all, and having a strong mother who has demonstrated a moral path to them, who is not broken by being under this horrible, selfish man's spell. He is no role model, I believe a man would have to be bordering on psychopathic to put a woman in this position - let alone two women and their children. You need to snap out of this for the sake of your children, what's more, KNOWING you are doing the right thing. We are all behind you. Therapy, time and prayer CAN heal you from this.

You say you "can't " leave him..... you love him too much... I know you love your children, and if they want to see him at some point in the future that is up to them but for now he is having nothing but a damaging effect on you all. I feel for you, I had to leave a man I loved and was pregnant to because I found out he had a fiance of five years. He even dumped her when I found out but it was too late - knowing he could lie to me (ok, by omission) was enough to make me too anxious to trust him after this bombshell. I did consider staying and stories like yours... they make me glad I left. My son tothis day has not yet met his father and is none the worse for it, as I know that man would have broken me down and possibly deprived him of the sound mother I have become. I have never looked back.

 

Nc is a magical thing. one day you just wake up and feel lighter........ the beginning is painful as you have found but when you're going through Hell.. keep going! Start today!

[Heather1]

That's incredibly selfish of him not to get a vasectomy & keep creating children he's hardly responsible for. It sounds like what he wants is more kids. What does he say about you going on birth control? I know you love him, but it sounds selfish to the point of Narcissistic. Later, he'll pick which children to love based on their accomplishments, which will be a reflection of him. STOP HAVING KIDS!!! Tell him you're going on BC & see how he reacts. He's locked you into a world that's all about him....and that's the love.

 

You might not figure this all out until he's impregnating someone else....and I don't mean that to be brutal. I just think he's found someone young & naive & keeping you pregnant & kind of isolated. What does your family think of all this?

[nocontact2]

my children are my only family...i would do anything for them...to protect them, keep them safe...i love them above everyone, even him....

 

funny i never thought about it but he says when i miss him look at our children (they look just like him) and that they are his ambassadors while he is away to look over me...

 

they will run me....he will be their favorite as they get older....

[Heather1]

Well then you're at least lucky to have them...but he chose you based on your circumstance. I'm surprised his W isn't stepping in as almost a mother to you (since she knows), but she's probably locked into something similar. He's running the show.

 

Really, my only "advice" FWIW is to stop having kids with him & join some group to get support. You need some support, then you can make some decisions. I'd get a lawyer, but if you contact social services they can give you a ton of perspective on your reality.

[fooled once]

Im too young to get anything permanent done

 

You have 3 children with a married man. You aren't "too young" to have a tubal ligation.

 

Can you financially support these children ON YOUR OWN - with no assistance from HIM or the state? IMHO, if the answer is no, then you need to have a tubal.

 

And then to state

and that they are his ambassadors while he is away to look over me...

 

they will run me....he will be their favorite as they get older....

 

They are CHILDREN - it is NOT their job to look over you. It is their job to be children, to be protected from the crap that the adults around them are creating. They should be shielded from all this.

 

And then to state they will be his favorites? Really?

 

You seem to enjoy the drama of this entire mess and I find that very sad for these kids who have to live this.

 

You CAN live with out him. You are CHOOSING not to. You are CHOOSING to place your kids in the middle of all this.

 

They may be little right now, but they aren't stupid. They hear things. They see things. They absorb things.

 

I sure hope these kids don't model their father because like someone else said, he is a coward and he has no respect for you or his wife. That is not something you want your children to look up to or model their lives after.

[nocontact2]

I dont think he meant "look over me" as a way of taking care of me...

 

I think he was implying they would be his semi-spies...tell him any and everything i do or dont do...

 

they will be loyal to him as they get older and he plans on traveling with them alone as they are old enough...taking them on trips without me... bonding alone themselves...

[Heather1]

Are you in a cult? It sounds like you're a breeder or something. Really....you should contact a social worker for some REAL help. I've dealt w/ social workers to deal w/ my alcoholic Dad. They can tell you exactly what's going on & get you some REAL help here.

[nocontact2]

no...no cult...lol

 

sometimes i think being the ow we have to live in some sort of trance...

[Owl]

Have you considered that he's got this situation EXACTLY where he wants it?

 

Two women meeting all of his needs, providing him families, etc...

 

Do you REALLY believe that he wants to change and end his marriage, or do you think that he's more likely wanting to keep the status quo?

 

I thought this bore repeating...I suspect it was missed/ignored originally.

[GreenX]

I thought this bore repeating...I suspect it was missed/ignored originally.

 

ditto Owl..

 

NC2,

You're setting yourself up for disaster. You NEED therapy, now. Seriously, hon, you have kids now. You need to make sure that you yourself is completely on par with what is really going on. No more sugarcoating. You have lived a life of so much pain - do you really want your children to go through that as well? They will, trust me, if you continue on the path you're heading now.

 

When you started this thread you were so angry because your MM didn't love your children. You buckled when he called and fell for his one liners yet again. Do you not see that you're being manipulated? Have more love for yourself before you can even consider giving it to others.

 

I was shocked, well, more-so boggled, when I seen your "I love him" post.. when only a few posts previously you were dishing out so much anger. You were really proud of yourself for going NC with him, if only a day yet all that you were feeling was gone in an instant when he took back control over you, again.

 

This cycle will keep happening as long as you allow it to continue. Stand up for yourself and most importantly, your kids.

 

Go seek help, go to a lawyer, have the support he sends your way done legally, if not for yourself than for your kids. You need to protect your kids and yourself.

 

Oh, someone else asked earlier, are you financially capable of supporting your 3 kids by yourself alone? This is important because if your MM happens to either stop making payments or worse case scenario, dies, who will then send those payments? Does he have anything written in stone, somewhere, that shows if the worse were to happen and he passed, who would get what.. his family, your family? How would that work out.

 

You need to be thinking about these things. This should be your top priority. Your kids need security. Make it happen. See a lawyer, at least to see what your options are.

[NoIDidn't]

So are you having kids in the hope that he will leave his family for the hidden family he has with you?

 

That's really sad and sick. My grandmother thought the same. Never happened. After all the kids she had with him (way more than three, I might add), he NEVER left. And said much the same thing.

 

ALL of the kids by him are pretty screwed up too. Between the situation they were born into and my grandmother's mental illness, just not the best situation to bring kids into. Especially if you are thinking that you just evened the score with his W. You didn't. Not even half way. Whoever said the only person you are obligating is YOURSELF is right.

 

This isn't love. This is a sick, sick obsession, for BOTH of you. And those poor children won't even know what hit them.

[LaGazelle]

I can actually see where you're coming from, by reading your posts. In your position I would be thinking, the logical thing for him to do would seem to be to make a clean break from his wife and older children for you. He loathes his wife, and the fact is he is away from them most of the time anyway - why wouldn't he just spend that time with you and his young kids who he claims to love so much? Surely noone can love money so much. If they do, what kind of person does it make them.

 

Especially when he is holding you to so much, he is "trapping" you by impregnating you again and again, and feeding you the promises which will keep you from moving on....

 

What is screaming out to me is that he doesn't care about you, or he would be able to see in his heart how he is hurting you and tearing your lfie apart, the way any decent person looking at this situation can. Actions speak louder than words.

 

He is a coward and it is time to break free from him, by NC. Your children will be better off not seeing him at all, and having a strong mother who has demonstrated a moral path to them, who is not broken by being under this horrible, selfish man's spell. He is no role model, I believe a man would have to be bordering on psychopathic to put a woman in this position - let alone two women and their children. You need to snap out of this for the sake of your children, what's more, KNOWING you are doing the right thing. We are all behind you. Therapy, time and prayer CAN heal you from this.

 

 

The more I read of these stories, the more I become convinced that it takes a whole "different" breed of woman to be an OW. I see so much contradiction to what many view as a typical compassionate way of treating others, from the very people who expect to be treated compassionately.

 

I am deeply sorry that the OP, and particularly her children are going through this. If I recall correctly she didn't know the man in question was married until after the 1st child, but surely from that point forward it is her responsibility to protect herself. No man can trap a woman by impregnating her, quite the contrary! In normal partnerships the woman is no victim of sex. The MM did not forcibly impregnate her, otherwise she should have gone to the police to press charges!

 

Besides, is it really decent to become involved with another woman's husband? How can one then expect to be shown decency when they themselves do not show decency!? And how does one define moral exactly!? Is it moral to attempt to break up another woman's home so you can make your own? Or would it be moral to leave it well alone and try to honestly build your own!?

 

I sympathise with the intense pain many OW suffer, but it beats me how after all that suffering many fail to see the wood from the trees! It is absolutely mind boggling. It must take being in a whole "different" psychological universe to think in such terms, and the sad thing is innocent children suffer as a result.

[Stepone]

Hi Gazelle - thanks for your post, sorry if I did come across as a harsh and immoral alien form of evil. It wasn't my intention to insult and deride her. When I said "any decent person"... i was actually referring to the MM not being a decent person to see what he's doing. Not the OP who is caught up in the middle of all this with the added bonus of pregnancy hormones coursing through her body.

 

I think the fact that the MM uses these children as spies on her is further evidence of the "trapping" . My ex (notMM) made me pregnant (he later admitted) mostly to make sure no other men would look at me - "trapping" me as his own. It quoshed his rabid jealousy of being an average man with an attractive woman - his words not mine. It ties a woman down to bring up children especially on her own. She knew what she was getting into, did she? I wonder, had she seen this pain as her future, past his promises and lies....

 

You say "How can one then expect to be shown decency when they themselves do not show decency!? " - I can't disagree but it is past of the lesson.

 

Sorry I have had an intensely bad day, this doesn't probably make any sense but I had to defend myself as the last thing I wanted to do was show her anything but compassion for this situation. I just wanted to reply to some other people and help them but it appears I am not very good at it online............... I am not a different species, I don't think though OW's lives probably do display some similarities if you research it.

[torranceshipman]

This is about the 3 kids now - his name is already on the birth certificate, and you need to make it known publicly that he is their father and demand child support. Your kids are going to grow up a horrible, maladjusted mess if BOTH of you hide them like a dirty little secret. You need to show them how proud you are of them, how you want to show the world who they are and where they came from, and make them feel loved and respected, because God knows you're going to have to do that for the both of you now.

 

Leave the situation like it is now, like they're a dirty little secret, and you've set them up to fail, to have no self esteem and think that they aren't as important or worth as much as other peoples kids. Seriously, is anything on earth worth putting your own kids through that?

 

And y'know, no matter how kids are created, they are an absolute miracle and you have a long and happy life in front of you as a family (without that horrible, horrible guy who is their father).

 

Tell your kids what went on and be honest, stand proud and say that while the A was a mistake, you acted with so much respect by walking away from him, and that you bought them up yourself, simply because it was the right thing to do - and that they were the little miracles that came out of the situation so you wouldn't change a thing. They'll get to understand their fathers character themselves and they wont be impressed. Show them that you fought for them, to make their parentage public and to show the world you were NOT going to accept anyone disrespecting them by trying to hide them.

 

Kids can grow up strong and proud with a one parent family, and having 3 is a wonderful thing, but if you continue to let this guy crap all over you, and if you are complicit in treating them as someone's dirty little secret, then they are going to grow up miserable, troubled, and damaged.