stampdaddy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 SC - on the top left in the menu bar you will see "My Profile / CP" - click on that. On the left hand side you will see a number of options, including "settings", under which one will be "edit ignore list". If you click on that, you will get a list of everyone you have on ignore - which will be blank, in your case, but you will have a blank box where you can enter the name/s of any posters you wish to add to the ignore list. This means that in future their posts will be invisible to you, so you will not see them in your thread or any others where they might post. It's a good way to keep your blood pressure low.... just a question for reference, as I wont ignore anybody, but what happens when let's say, someone like, gee I don't know, LKJH starts his hate parade? So SC wont see the original tirade, but what about when OW comes to the rescue and replies to him, will she see your reply, thus see what he wrote anyway?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobler33 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 you guys are cracking me up. thanks for the much needed laugh. boldjack, thanks too for your explanation. under no circumstances do i think that being a psychoanalyst makes my opinion more valuable. hell, i got knocked to my arse by the most painful mistake of my life less than 2 months ago - being a shrink does not immunize one against committing bonehead errors. it's interesting that you point this out, however, because i think it's a cultural meme, this assumption that analysts are automatically smug and supercillious bastards who believe they are smarter than the average bear. i'm sure this is true in some cases, just as there are some busdrivers who are smug supercillious bastards - in fact, in my city that's more or less the norm. but i can tell you that the psychotherapists i know are struggling, feeling, mistake-making, constantly learning individuals who suffer no delusions about being better prepared for life's ills than anyone else. i can offer insight, things i've observed, ways my training has allowed me to look at things that might be different from that average bear. but do i think my opinions count more? HAILS no. some of the greatest and most powerful insights i've gained in my career have come from criminals, floridly psychotic homeless people, children under the age of 6. it's why i do this work; because i continue to learn from my patients, not because i think i have some great knowledge to impart. thanks for giving me the opportunity to spit that out. hopefully my posts won't sound condescending anymore, now that you know that i consider myself just a bumbling yabbo like everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 just a question for reference, as I wont ignore anybody, but what happens when let's say, someone like, gee I don't know, LKJH starts his hate parade? So SC wont see the original tirade, but what about when OW comes to the rescue and replies to him, will she see your reply, thus see what he wrote anyway?? Stamp, at the risk of turning this into a long t/j, I'll reply - but to avoid it being a LONG t/j I'll get straight to the point: I don't know. I've never used the feature myself, but you might want to test it and report back? (You can always edit the chosen ignoree back off your list once you're done, if the silence deafens you too loudly!) Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Consider yourself ignored! Just for the test, of course love...... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Consider yourself ignored! Just for the test, of course love...... :laugh: you forget, I'm married - I'm used to being tuned out :p (j/k - my H remembers every single thing I say, long after I do.... and uses it in evidence against me later when I contradict myself ) So, now someone else needs to quote my post, so that you can see if it shows up in their post, which you ought still to be able to read... (this is getting complex!) Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 :laugh: you forget, I'm married - I'm used to being tuned out :p (j/k - my H remembers every single thing I say, long after I do.... and uses it in evidence against me later when I contradict myself ) So, now someone else needs to quote my post, so that you can see if it shows up in their post, which you ought still to be able to read... (this is getting complex!) OK I'll play. S Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 OK I'll play. S see, we can all play nicely together Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 OK, you can still see what you wrote, when Syd replied to you... Test is complete, and welcome back into my harem, OW... Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 OK, you can still see what you wrote, when Syd replied to you... Test is complete, and welcome back into my harem, OW... Great - I'm actually using "Sid" not "Syd". But I can't get too picky about spelling it right because it's not my real name anyway. I was looking through the archives the other day and saw some posts from Syd in Sydney Australia. I'm also in Australia but I'm not the same Sid. I think he was male whereas I'm female. S Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Great - I'm actually using "Sid" not "Syd". But I can't get too picky about spelling it right because it's not my real name anyway. I was looking through the archives the other day and saw some posts from Syd in Sydney Australia. I'm also in Australia but I'm not the same Sid. I think he was male whereas I'm female. S Hey Sid, you're Strine? Can I send you a lost belonging - I've discovered Rolf Harris is rattling around up here, and you must be looking for him down there . Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 OK, you can still see what you wrote, when Syd replied to you... Test is complete, and welcome back into my harem, OW... Hmm - so it's semi-ignore then - a bit like those posts that the mods have to go and edit by hand when they axe offensive posts and then have to airbrush out all the bits that got quoted by others. Great to be back in the harem, stamp - do I get to play Sheherezade tonight? Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Hey Sid, you're Strine? Can I send you a lost belonging - I've discovered Rolf Harris is rattling around up here, and you must be looking for him down there . Up here!! Where exactly r u? Some BS's might argue that OWs belong down there! Cheers S feeling in better spirits today - it's 9am and looks to be a good day Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Whew!!!! <wiping eyebrow with hand> I thought this was going to get ugly and it turned into a tutorial on the "Ignore" feature. LOL. Well, that is what it is there for. Sorry you felt you needed to post this thread dobler33. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Up here!! Where exactly r u? Standing on your head - on the other side of the planet, if you drill through the centre (or so we were told as kids). I'm in the Yew Kay. Some BS's might argue that OWs belong down there! Cheers S feeling in better spirits today - it's 9am and looks to be a good day It's just gone midnight here so it's technically tomorrow here too, though I still have some sleeping to do before getting on with tomorrow. Glad you're feeling better though - must have been the offer to return Rolf H . (But yeah, I'm happy to be banished "down there" - I happen to enjoy going down, and being gone down on... ) Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Let's not do that too often - people will start talking... Too late, already talking. Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Standing on your head - on the other side of the planet, if you drill through the centre (or so we were told as kids). I'm in the Yew Kay. It's just gone midnight here so it's technically tomorrow here too, though I still have some sleeping to do before getting on with tomorrow. Glad you're feeling better though - must have been the offer to return Rolf H . (But yeah, I'm happy to be banished "down there" - I happen to enjoy going down, and being gone down on... ) Oh you can keep him - Rolph that is - not my hubby. I'm originally from the UK - I hate to say it but I'm an Essex girl. Now I have dual citizenship. S Link to post Share on other sites
lovekillsslowly Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Thank you dobler for posting this thread! I agree wholeheartedly with you! This is a support forum. A place to let OW / OM know that they aren't alone. That there is hope. That they can get through this. That other people have made the same mistakes and there are shoulders to cry on and a kind ear to listen. The majority of us already feel stupid, foolish, like every d*#m country song ever written, and every Lifetime movie ever televised. Our self-esteem is down to nothing and our self-confidence is at an all time low. We know what we did was wrong. We know that we ruined or could of ruined a lot of lives. We hate ourselves. And we don't need others telling us what terrible people we are. We know that. Some of the things that are said to the OW / OM are enough to push a person over the edge. Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Thank you dobler for posting this thread! I agree wholeheartedly with you! This is a support forum. A place to let OW / OM know that they aren't alone. That there is hope. That they can get through this. That other people have made the same mistakes and there are shoulders to cry on and a kind ear to listen. The majority of us already feel stupid, foolish, like every d*#m country song ever written, and every Lifetime movie ever televised. Our self-esteem is down to nothing and our self-confidence is at an all time low. We know what we did was wrong. We know that we ruined or could of ruined a lot of lives. We hate ourselves. And we don't need others telling us what terrible people we are. We know that. Some of the things that are said to the OW / OM are enough to push a person over the edge. There's no doubt that many OW are suffering - simply reading the stories posted here have made me realise this. When I finally met with the OW last month, it was 6 months after d-day and more than 7 years after the A with my H had commenced. I delayed meeting with her until then because I was too shell shocked and devastated to face her. To my surprise she seemed like a nice sort of person and she cried on and off during the hour or so we spent talking. I wondered if she had been close to the edge herself - but that doesn't change the fact that I wanted to be dead for many months. I wasn't thinking of ways to actually kill myself but I did feel being dead would be preferable to the enormous pain I was going through. The difference is that mine was not self inflicted and I did not knowingly put myself in that position and unlike an OW I did not knowingly participate in putting someone else in that position. It was a different story 3 weeks later. She telephoned my H after 6 months of no contact and attempted to persuade him to meet with her without telling me. I called her the next day and she was rude and unpleasant. This might be being discussed in another thread but there's no doubt that my H told her he loved her and I'm sure he did. He has not pretended to me that he didn't. This hurts me tremendously. However he maintains that he always intended that if the A was discovered that he would end the A and this is what he did. Albeit with sadness that he hurt her - I don't think she got real closure and I don't think my H ever explained it to her in blunt terms that she would be the one to go if the A was discovered. She must have known he wasn't intending to leave our marriage even if she wanted to beleive otherwise. I guess from the BS perspective I can't understand why OW continue to accept or believe that their affair partner would really rather be with them when he is not leaving his marriage. I know the OW usually love their MM but why do so many deceive themselves year after year about the true state of affairs (no pun intended). Yes the MM often do love their OW but if they are keeping it secret from their W and not actually leaving within a reasonable time then it's a fair bet they don't really want to. S Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobler33 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Share Posted May 29, 2009 sidlyon - thank you for your thoughtful and well spoken post. you are someone who was very hurt by infidelity, and yet you do not resort to abusive language, mean-spirited generalization and one-sided immaturity. i admire your compassion for the OW, even as you voice your very valid anger and betrayal. i admire your ability to hold two totally opposing realities in your heart - that this woman and your husband caused tremendous pain with their actions and also that they are human and worthy of compassion. you speak with great personal strength and demand respect for your boundaries, while at the same time showing empathy for the pain of the woman your husband engaged with. i'm tearing up a little here, hoping that i will someday receive the kind of humane regard from the people i hurt. your allowance of the emotions of those who hurt you - though you do not condone their behavior - gives me greater insight into the heart and mind of the woman whose husband i was in love with. i urge everyone to witness this moment: someone whose experience, while on the surface the polar opposite of my own, is able to speak in such a way as to increase my understanding of the gravity of my own mistakes. THIS is what i'm talking about. thank you, sidlyon. i think you have brought greater knowledge and awareness to the conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Yes and it may encourage OW/OM,to post their situations, without fear of judgement and criticism. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Kindly define "support". Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Kindly define "support". I expect "support" means what most OPs would want it to mean. However "discussion" is not necessarily supportive. S Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobler33 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Share Posted May 29, 2009 to my mind support does not necessarily mean agreement. you can support a person without supporting their actions. "i can see that this is hurting you and must be very difficult. i'll bet it feels impossible to do anything differently. but here are some possibilities..." note how this differs from "what the hell are you doing, you selfish immoral serial killer!" or similar. the first recognizes the real and valid human experience of the subject, which makes them more likely to hear the fact that they could be doing something different. the second is not only insulting but is in fact utterly counterproductive: it is almost certain to reorganize someone's defenses around their feelings and experience such that they might never make change. so to those of you who have been insisting that "support" is for sissies, i pose the question: are you trying to make someone change their mind or are you just trying to relieve your own feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Hear, Here, Dobler33! .... it's not always what you say, it's how you say it. Putting people on the defensive can null and void, any good advice that may have been presented , falling on deaf ears. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Not sure bashing belongs in any forum, if you read the TOS. Perhaps we should club together to buy them a big pillow, we can paint a face on it and label it OW and let them kick and punch that the way little kids vent their aggression on an inanimate object when they get frustrated at not getting their way. LOL...funny Link to post Share on other sites
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