stampdaddy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Every time a thread like this is started (and there have been many of them) I think the same thing. To say that the betrayed isn't part of the relationship between an OW and a MM or a OM and a MW is to ignore the fact that a third party exists. Why wouldn't a person coming to this board for help from either side want to see the raw reaction from the other side? Why hide the pain that affairs cause to anyone involved? Isn't it just part of the big picture? Are you really being "helped" when you tell people who's lives have been touched in such a painful way to leave? Sure a BW or BH is going to be angry. Why not? They have experienced a truly devastating thing. If you choose to ignore that pain, that is certainly your choice. But it's real, it's here and it's part of what happens when people engage in affairs. My 2 cents is this: I agree with you Here, TOTALLY.. IF the BS can become "real" through this process of obtaining help here on this platform, then that is wonderful.. I know I have built relationships with MANY BS's here, many Betrayed Husbands who "could" look at me as the "enemy", but have chosen the higher road of HELPING THEMSELVES along this path as well, because just as you have indicated, there ARE 3 pieces of the triangle.. it has helped many BH's to maybe get an understanding that I too am "real", not some imaginary monster that only comes out at night and steals women away from their husbands.... I believe it helps them shift some of their anger and disappointment back where it should be (including the OM), but more so in their own lives, at their own wives and YES, even themselves... I believe the intent of this thread is a hope (probably unsuccessful one at that), but a hope to weed out dome of the folks that are just being mean to be mean. Some of the people that don't even try to understand. Some of the people that need as much help as any one of us here, no matter which side of the triangle you are on. And yes, some that arent on any side of this triangle, but just feel the need to be an ass.... Link to post Share on other sites
precious1357 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 if you have never been the OW/M, if you have never experienced the conditions that are described at the top of this page: "those who find themselves involved with a committed partner", then it is respectfully requested that you find another forum. there are PLENTY. if you have experienced these conditions and have differing views from other posters, then debate will be spirited and potentially ellucidating for all parties. but it is unacceptable for people who have not experienced what is being discussed here to pass judgement or profer their own emotional agenda on this forum. i'm new here and have been totally appalled by the disrespect shown in a conversation where people are vulnerably trying to cope with their conflicted, unflattering, controversial and fundamentally personal feelings. it's not ok. Dobler, Great comment. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Reggie I think what you are missing is that you see cheating in itself as disturbing behavior and you accuse anyone who cheats of having a personality disorder. I hate to say it but you have been one of the offenders and been extremely cruel at times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobler33 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 boldjack - condescension implies that i feel i am better than others, which is most emphatically not the case. i am struggling, like most of us, to make sense of a painful and destructive event in my life. i try to be respectful and compassionate while still articulating my own personal views and experience; if this comes off as condescension then i'm not sure what to tell you. i don't intend to start being uncompassionate and disrespectful, so we may have to agree to disagree there. and i would like to amend my thread starter and agree with several posters who say that BS's can indeed have a valid and helpful perspective. i have read some that have been very moving and interesting, even when they are in disagreement with my own opinions. it's the meanness, the spite, the snipey flaming i'm objecting to. and it is by no means restricted to BS's - i've seen a few OP's who seem just as hell-bent on creating an atmosphere of defensiveness and distrust. can't we all just get along? Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 actually I have mixed feelings, I appriciate some of the bs on the board, ( NoIDidn't, wwisup and even bent with her hard but straight op). I dont like posting about my issues anymore for the fear of getting slammed by many... But I will say that I have gotten always good advice from the aboved mentioned posters... Hey, could we have a O/w O/M board and only have those 3????? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I personally don't agree with the idea of "restricting" any of the forums on this board to ONLY allow posts from one specific "niche" of posters...it wouldn't be productive, nor would it be remotely possible to truly enforce. I don't come here to bash. I don't come here to mollycoddle either...I post straight up, ACTIONABLE advice to help people SOLVE THEIR ISSUES. Solving the problem RARELY includes supporting the affair. But that doesn't mean I'm attacking the OW/OM/MM...but I often won't agree with their choice to fight to save the affair, since often that's the true source of their problem. If you don't like the advice of some posters...you're entitled to use the "ignore" button, or report them if you feel that their comments are in violation of the TOS. Telling them to go away isn't likely to solve your problem. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Dobler, In the other thread, after my imput, you were quick to point out that you were a Psychoanalyst. I took the implication, that as such, your opinion was more valuable or carried more weight than mine. If I was mistaken, then we have no problem. I appreciate the insight you bring as a F/OW and look forward to your posts. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Dobler, In the other thread, after my imput, you were quick to point out that you were a Psychoanalyst. I took the implication, that as such, your opinion was more valuable or carried more weight than mine. If I was mistaken, then we have no problem. I appreciate the insight you bring as a F/OW and look forward to your posts. awwwwwwww now see, that's how one plays nice... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I often won't agree with their choice to fight to save the affair, since often that's the true source of their problem. Owl, not meaning to put words in your mouth (this is a more general point, just occasioned by your post but voiced by many BS and fAPs) but.... ...why is it assumed that "supporting" the OW / OM (in the sense of not attacking them simply because they're engaged in an A with a MP) equates with encouraging them to continue the A / giving them tips to screw the BS over / conniving with them to undermine the CS's M? There seems to be a false dichotomy being created here: "I won't encourage them to continue their harmful [to themselves, as well as - potentially - others] behaviour, thus I have to tell them that what they are doing is Evil and Immoral and will send them Straight To Hell". There is actually a third possibility - and it's actually, I've observed, the option that most of the posters here (BS and OW) take - that of responding to the situation ON ITS OWN MERITS and responding to the needs of the poster, bearing in mind their specific and immediate needs and their particular circumstances. I've yet to see ANYONE - be it OW or BS - encourage someone to stay in or pursue a R of any kind that was harming the OP. KG, FF, HB.... those threads provide plenty of examples where EVERYONE was telling them to get out, to leave well alone, to walk away, for the sake of their own sanity. (OK, aside from the occasional troll or whack job, but those tend to stand out as basket cases and are never paid much attention. I'm talking about serious posters.) The problem comes when someone asks for quite specific advice regarding a specific question or issue, about some aspect of their R, and they get flamed to Gahenna and back simply because they're in an A at all. Or they get the knee-jerk "what about the BS" response when that has nothing at all to do with their post, and merely serves to t/j the thread into an Us-vs-Them battle of those trying to restore the thread to its original purpose and those hell-bent on grabbing the soap box. It serves no purpose but to inflame. I get that some BS are still hurting. We all get that. But jacking someone else's thread - where the OP is hurting too - simply to jerk off about one's own hurt doesn't help the OP resolve their issues, and I doubt it helps the t/jer much either. Those posters who are able to connect with the issue at hand, and with the person behind that issue, add the most value to the threads here - whether they're BS or OW or CS, and they're to be found amongst all three. But then, no amount of rational engagement is going to stop bashers bashing. If they were open to reason, they'd be displaying it, rather than reacting with hurt venom at the proxies for their own hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I don't come here to bash. I don't come here to mollycoddle either... and what the hell does "Mollycoddle" mean anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I get that some BS are still hurting. We all get that. But jacking someone else's thread - where the OP is hurting too - simply to jerk off about one's own hurt doesn't help the OP resolve their issues, and I doubt it helps the t/jer much either. Those posters who are able to connect with the issue at hand, and with the person behind that issue, add the most value to the threads here - whether they're BS or OW or CS, and they're to be found amongst all three. But then, no amount of rational engagement is going to stop bashers bashing. If they were open to reason, they'd be displaying it, rather than reacting with hurt venom at the proxies for their own hurting. I would agree...that's why the only REAL way to deal with the bashing would be to either report the offender, or place them on ignore. Telling them to stop is a waste of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 and what the hell does "Mollycoddle" mean anyway? mollycoddle /mlikdl/ Show Spelled [mol-ee-kod-l] Show IPA noun, verb, -dled, -dling. –noun 1.a man or boy who is used to being coddled; a milksop. –verb (used with object) 2.to coddle; pamper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Origin: 1825–35; Molly + coddle —Related forms mollycoddler, noun —Synonyms 2. spoil, indulge, cosset. It was my "M" word for the day...hope I don't get to Q anytime soon! Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 mollycoddle /mlikdl/ Show Spelled [mol-ee-kod-l] Show IPA noun, verb, -dled, -dling. –noun 1.a man or boy who is used to being coddled; a milksop. –verb (used with object) 2.to coddle; pamper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OH, a Catholic thing..... So the Priest said, "Johnny, come hither, it's time to mollycoddle while I give you some of my milksop... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 And you wondered why he kept calling you "Molly"... :bunny::eek::bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 And you wondered why he kept calling you "Molly"... :bunny::eek::bunny: another question for the Wise OLD Owl... what do those bouncing bunnies signify? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 another question for the Wise OLD Owl... what do those bouncing bunnies signify? Ask the priest? Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Ask the priest? me scared to... Don't know what he may have in mind with one of dem bunnies... Don't want to be "Bunnycoddled" either.... Look folks, an OM and a BH gettin' along.. ain't it nice?? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 And you wondered why he kept calling you "Molly"... :bunny::eek::bunny: Many priests are Irish... Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowcat Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I would agree...that's why the only REAL way to deal with the bashing would be to either report the offender, or place them on ignore. Telling them to stop is a waste of time. Owl, help me out please. What is this ignore feature? How does it work? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I would agree... Let's not do that too often - people will start talking... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 me scared to... Don't know what he may have in mind with one of dem bunnies... Don't want to be "Bunnycoddled" either.... Look folks, an OM and a BH gettin' along.. ain't it nice?? And we even got along when I was continually posting advice to him to end the affair. You don't have to agree in order to be civil...nor do you have to be a jerk to post a dissenting opinion. I'm just consistently a jerk, so everyone knows what to expect from me. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I'm just consistently a jerk, so everyone knows what to expect from me. Hear hear. I've been thinking about getting a tagline, this may be it. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 And we even got along when I was continually posting advice to him to end the affair. You don't have to agree in order to be civil...nor do you have to be a jerk to post a dissenting opinion. I'm just consistently a jerk, so everyone knows what to expect from me. Now when did you ever say ANYTHING about me ending the affair???? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Owl, help me out please. What is this ignore feature? How does it work? I'll have to look it up...but it's a feature that allows you to simply not see posts by a specific poster (s). If you can't see someone being a jerk, they're much easier to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Owl, help me out please. What is this ignore feature? How does it work? SC - on the top left in the menu bar you will see "My Profile / CP" - click on that. On the left hand side you will see a number of options, including "settings", under which one will be "edit ignore list". If you click on that, you will get a list of everyone you have on ignore - which will be blank, in your case, but you will have a blank box where you can enter the name/s of any posters you wish to add to the ignore list. This means that in future their posts will be invisible to you, so you will not see them in your thread or any others where they might post. It's a good way to keep your blood pressure low.... Link to post Share on other sites
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