Really want my ex back!

[mr_roggger]

Our story and how stupid I've been.

It all started in February 2001 when I met my ex. on a 6th form & school trip to Florida. (We're from the UK, and at this time I was 16 (soon to be 17), and she was 16 (just had her 16th)). We bagan dating shortly after that (March 2001), and by May we had a full-on relationship, and saw eachother almost every day. We had many great times away too, including a country mid-week break in October 2001, a trip to New York and Washington DC in February 2002 and a trip to Iceland in July 2002. We continued to see eachother almost every day until October 2002, when I went to university (about 1 1/2 hours away from her). We continued to see eachother once every 2 or 3 weeks as we still loved eachother very much and didn't want to end the relationship, but in November 2002 when she came to see me I took her too much for granted and wasn't too nice to her. Shortly after that she left me for someone else. I apologised etc. and promised to change my ways and she decided that she should give it another go with me. We had a great Christmas (2002) together, and I did change my ways. We had many more good times including in July 2003 when we went on holiday together again which was great. She went to university in September 2003, and I returned in October. She was still only the same distance from me, so we agreed to meet regularly, including 2 weekends ago. When she came I was jealous that her new friend's got to spend so much time with her compared to me, and was paranoid that she would find someone else, which resulted in me being not very nice to her (how I regret that now). I realised what I had done before she left, and apologised unreservedly, thinking that she understood me and accepted this.

This Thursday I phoned her, only to learn that she didn't want to see me any more and had started to date someone else, but we could still be friends. This really broke my heart, and I tried talking to her about it but she didn't seem interested, and wouldn't accept me back as she had done 11 months ago. I didn't know what to do, so I left it at that. By this time I was finding it hard to concentrate on anything, including my university work and even eating as whatever I did made me thing of her, e.g. "last time I did this I was with her still" which upset me greatly. Friday I tried to contact her several times but was unsuccessful, and she didn't reply to my text. At this stage I was still finding it hard to do anything and had decided that I had to do someting to get her to at least meet me to talk. I was looking through some old emails and found one from her in February 2002 saying how much she loved me and how this would be for always and forever. This instantly reduced me to tears. I decided to go and see her the following morning, so took a couple of lines from this email and wrote about how much I still loved her incase I couldn't get to see her and would have to leave her a note. As I drove to hers I picked up some flowers. I got to hers at 8 and waited for her to come out (couldn't get through to her on the phone and as it is university halls I couldn't go and knock on her door etc.) as I knew she would leave for town etc. in the morning. At 9 she left with a friend but didn't se me (I was parked too far away)! I managed to phone her at 11 only to learn that she had gone to another city for the weekend for some party. During the call she said that she didn't want to meet me as she didn't want to give me false hope of us getting back together. She asked me to get over it and leave her alone. She said phone her in a week or something and then we could perhaps arrange to meet-up somewhere as friends. I left the flowers and the note on her car windscreen and returned home. Later on that evening after I had text her she replied (which made me so happy and my day so much easier) saying that the flowers would be ok as someone had taken them in and placed them in water etc.

There is no way I can wait a week to phone her, it's only been 3 days and I still think of her every minute, dream about us and wake up thinking about her. I think I will have to phone her mid-week and see if she will meet me next weekend as friends. What do you think is the best idea, I know I should wait, but its so hard, I miss her so much! If she does agree to meet me, how am I ever going to persuade her that we can make another go of things. I really want to be with he still, my life is not complete without and she means more to me than anything else in the world. I will of course change my attitude and stop taking her for granted (as I said before but this time, a few days without her has really made me realise how much I love her and need her) and make more of an effort to listen to and respect her.

I also had plans of taking her on a surprise trip to New York for 4 days Christmas shopping to say sorry about the faitful weekend. What do you think I should do about this now?

I know I am the person at fault here but I would do anything to get her back, she means so much to me, more than anything else ever and I still love her dearly!

Thankyou for taking the time to read this, I appreciate it.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Mr Roggger

 

I'm sorry youre going through this, and you prob wont like my reply but she has already answered this for you, she is being very clear in her intentions, which in the long run is kinder and more honest.

 

'During the call she said that she didn't want to meet me as she didn't want to give me false hope of us getting back together. She asked me to get over it and leave her alone.'

 

I think you should now respect what she wants, shes not giving you any illusions here and the realisation of this is even harder than the breaking up - but you have to do the right thing here, for both of you.

 

'it's only been 3 days and I still think of her every minute' - it has only been 3 days - its a long hard slog, but it wont last forever and anything you can do in the meantime to treat yourself properly will help - do what you enjoyed doing in your own time and see your friends, anything you feel like doing.

 

'I took her too much for granted and wasn't too nice to her' - often the way - think of this as the catalyst that means you wont ever, ever do that again in the future, and one day you will make someone else very very happy. not now, feel it and work through what you did & you can come out the other side a better person

 

if you insist on contacting her, which i think most peopl eon here have made the mistake of doing, dont keep going over the same issues, you'll just justify to her why she had to leave, dont ask for anything off her as you either wont get it or wont hear what you want to hear. if you have to, just let her know you are thinking of her, and if you dont expect anything back, you wont be as crushed when you dont get it. It wont make it easier on you though, the only thing that will make it easier, is not contacting her

 

hope you start feeling better soon

[Dreamgirl03]

I can relate to this as well...my ex fiancee and i broke up in april this year and now i have a new boyfriend that i`m with alot and care about very much...i think i`m in love with him now too. But my ex still comes around every now and then..and when he does..i still realize i have feelings for him..i can never figure out what to do..ack!

[mr_roggger]

But, as I said, when this happened before, she came back to me realising that she still wanted me. That conversation started off with her saying that there was no chance, but we managed to get a further great 11 months from the relationship.

I really want this to work, and I am willing to do anything.

Not that I am one to judge, I am pretty sure she still has feelings for me as she was as much in love with me as I am still with her.

I realise that the best thing to right now is leave it (even though that is very hard); I hope that in a few days she'll begin to miss me and consider at least meeting me as a friend. I hope to build on that.

[midori]

Everyone has their breaking point, such that even if she does still have feelings for you, perhaps even loves you to a certain extent, she's not going to be willing to continue to be in a relationship with you.

 

You're very focused on winning her back, and I doubt that anything anyone here says will dissuade you from that objective at the moment. But you should also be thinking about what it is about you that has caused you to be unkind to your girlfriend not once, but twice -- and the second time knowing that it could have bad consequences. Which, as it happens, it did.

 

Whether or not you succeed in winning her back, you ought to figure out why you're unable to get a grip on your negative emotions. Do things like jealousy and anxiety build up to unbearable levels because you never communicate them? Are you often insecure about yourself? What's going on?

 

You've demonstrated to your gf that whatever it is, you haven't got a grip on it.

[mr_roggger]

"Do things like jealousy and anxiety build up to unbearable levels because you never communicate them?"

Yes, but I do try my very best to communicate them, sometimes I find it hard and don't know the right words. Usually I find the right words eventually, and the feeling once I have expressed my concerns and they have been understood is usually a good one.

 

What single thing, if any, makes you all think that I have no chance?

[NatoPMT]

i think you should think about not communicating jealousy & anxiety, but about dealing with them - by telling her about your issues, you are externalising them and asking her to deal with stuff you have to deal with - i think you are giving her responsibility for your problems, and its up to you to deal with them, with her support of course if you are together - if you arent, then you cant expect her to be there now - your friends can help fill the gap.

 

i dont know if you have no chance, but what you typed she said to you would indicate that to me. i cant answer that question because i dont know what shes thinking

 

BB

[midori]

Originally posted by mr_roggger

 

What single thing, if any, makes you all think that I have no chance?

 

1. the fact that a particular behavior -- you being nasty to your girlfriend -- has now led to two break-ups.

 

2. rather than trying to figure out what feeds that behavior, and how you can put a stop to it, you're frantically trying to figure out how to win your gf back -- evidently not considering the likelihood that sooner or later the same thing will happen yet again. But I'll bet she hasn't failed to consider that. And clearly it's something she finds unacceptable (as, frankly, most people would).

 

If you're serious about getting back together with her, stop worrying about trips to New York and how things went down the last time you two broke up, and start thinking about what changes you need to make so that you can stop the pattern you're in.

[mr_roggger]

I did communicate the above to her but not in a way in which I would hope for someone else to sort my problems out. I would never ask for that, just to let someone know that I did have a few problems.

I said that it was over me being horrible once or twice, but I also feel that this was not just due to me (but mainly) but she did say one or two things which upset me too....however, I can cope with that and I never let that spoil our relationship, as it may well have been my fault that she said those things because I had said something....a mind of viscious circle with no real solution unless we talked, which we did, and things seemed ok (e.g. last time we met).

I am feeling a little better about the break up right now (but still awful and hugely upset), and think that I can give her the few days breathing space that she wanted. This will also give me time to compose myself and consider how to treat her far better in the future, if she agrees to give me a 3rd (sounds awful, I know, but means a lot to me) chance.

I know that I would be a better person now, I have spent the whole weekend thinking about how to cope with issues and take more time to listen to her, I just need her to know that.

Thanks everyone for your time, you have been saying things similar to what I have been thinking in my head but didn't think of writing, as well as quite a few new pointers which I will consider.

[mr_roggger]

Dorgot to mention that on Saturday when I went to see she did later on say that if I gave her a week or two breathing space etc. she would consider meeting me, so I still believe that all is not lost.

 

I have had a few days without contact with her, and this has given me a whole load of time to try and sort out my issues, which I believe I have had a very good go at, as today I managed to get on with some work (obviously still thinkning of her and wishing I hadn't messed up), rather than have my mind wander sontinuously about what I should have done.

What I need to do now, I believe, is keep thinkning about how not to screw up again (i.e. tackling emotions), and try and let her know that I have actually changed this time, since last time was only a day or so apart and didn't really give me time to change my ways permanently, only for a matter of months. This "long" time apart, has really made me change, I just need her to know/believe that.

Any ideas on how to let her know this bar the usual phone call to meet somewhere as I NEED her to know I'm serious about it this time?

 

(Hopefully, if we do meet, and she sees that I have changed, and am more like I was 2 years ago towards her, she will begin to trust me again). I can only hope

[KitWalker]

Rogerr, been in your same situation mate, although I'm only asking for the 2nd chance here not 3rd like yours... Its also been about 1mth since my ex broke up with me and currently she is on a 2 week holiday overseas for a friends wedding.

 

I dont have a story for you with a 'happy ending' nor with a 'sad ending' just one with a limbo ending if you get me? So whether you take whatever I say with a pinch of salt, is really up to you.

 

2-3 days breathing space isnt a lot in a scheme of things buddy. To you it may seem like an eternity, but to her, it definately isnt. The idea of 'space' to her is to let her work out what she wants in life and if giving you another chance is what she wants. The idea of space to you SHOULD be to see if she misses you enough that she WANTS to come back.

 

Its taken me until now to realise a few things. The more you try to push her by calling, msging etc, you're not giving her space and therefore only push her away permnamently. She knows how you feel, no doubt she does think about you, but pining away and begging doesnt really do a lot for you? I mean ultimately, the more you beg and cry and get on your hands and knees....IF she does say yes, do you think its because she loves you and misses you or do you think its because she felt sorry for you and didnt want to see you like that? A mate told me that I have to have some pride in myself. Not a lot, just a bit.

 

My suggestion (and Im following it now myself) is to leave her alone, for approx 3 weeks or so. I know it sounds long and i know you might be worried about the time, but time is either going to be your friend or enemy here. Wait 3 weeks without contacting her in any way and then "write" not type a letter to your ex about how you are feeling and everyting you want to say. Remember, this letter is for her to find out how you feel, not an excuse for you to write about her flaws or bad points etc....centre this totally on where you went wrong, how sorry you are and how you intend to fix what you've done for the future! Remember in the end to mention that you wont bother her anymore and that you still love her (i presume u do!) and that maybe one day down the track the two of you 'could' get back together, better than before!

 

Here's where you have to continue on with your life from here on mate. I know that you don't want to do it without your ex, but honestly, you dont have much choice! If she's made up her mind, you'll find out, if she's undecided, you'll also find out. But let her tell you when she's ready....not because you keep bugging her. You dont want her to be on a 50-50 decision and then because you keep trying to get in contact, you'll push her over to the 'wrong' decision?

 

Let us know how you go!

[mr_roggger]

For some reason now, space feels like the right thing for me too. This is because it's what she wants, not necessarily what I want, but as she wants it I feel that it is the best ting as it's my only real hope.

Thnakyou all who suggested this, it is getting easier not to contact her day by day since the feeling that giving her time will give us a better chance in the future, not because I feel less pain inside. My heart still aches.

People have suggested 3 weeks space, some friends have said 2, 3 or 4, she herself said a week or 2 on the phone to me, before I try to meet up with her.

Last night when I phoned her (i.e. a week after I found out we were no longer together), she wasn't too pleased to hear from me, and asked me to stop "stalking" her....I know she doesn't mean "stalking", as I'm not, she means calling her, texting her, as well as the time I went to see her on Saturday). It had been 4 days since I called her, I wish I hadn't. So, how long do you think I should wait, 2 weeks ontop of this silly week where I have been trying to talk to her, i.e. 3 in total, or more, or less?

Thanks for your advice, I still think there may be hope.

 

I have also thought that one reson she won't talk to me right now is because she is afraid that her feelings for me might come back when she meets me and make her feel bad/upset etc., or is this me just thinking too hopefully about the situation? She must still have feelings, last time I saw her we discussed Christmas plans etc. and when I would see her next, then a week ago I learned that she didn't want to go out with me any more, after 2 1/2 great years (13% of my life )

 

I am getting over this break up bit by bit, it is so hard, but truthfully I don't want to get over it, I want her back.

I know this is not possible right now, so I would settle for us just being friends for a while. She means more to me than anyone else ever has.