Turns out she wanted children after all

[lostInCA]

So,

 

I've been married for several years now. Before we got married I made it very clear that I did not want children. Throughout the marriage I have repeatedly offered my wife that if she wanted children she could go with someone else. 3 years ago evidently she started forgetting to take birth control, and forgot to tell me. So the first "Honey, I'm pregnant" came about. I guess karma got involved, the pregnancy miscarried a month later. She appologized profusely about making a mistake, and that she didn't do it on purpose.

 

She stated that she wanted to stop taking pills, because they were affecting her. She wanted to get an IUD for protection. I agreed, and she did. Fast forward last fall. We just bought a new house, which required extensive work on it, which still isn't finished. So one day in September I saw that she had an appointment with her OB/GYN, and I jokingly jested, "So you removed your IUD?". She replied no, she had just gone in for a checkup. 6 Weeks later, "Honey, I'm pregnant". Well at this point I through a fit, as she admitted she forgot to tell me that she had it removed. She really wanted She had lied, because I had asked her. She ended up getting an abortion on her own. I guess she felt terrible about what she had done. She once again called this her mistake.

 

I told her after this, if she wanted to have children, she was more than welcome to find somebody else. I explained it wasn't fair for me to hold her if her wishes had changed.

 

So after that she told me that she was going to stop using birth control. I told her fine, we'll use condoms. Given the rate at which we have sex (1-2 times a month now) I figured that it'd be safe. I always use from start / finish. We had nothing broken, no accidents. So to my surprise "Honey I'm pregnant". This time she refused to do anything, saying that nothing funny went on. Am I wrong to suspect mis-doings. I see all this stuff on the net about women poking holes, self-inseminating, etc.

 

I'm happy to be a part of raising the child, but I'm torn because I'm going to resent her for the rest of our lives. I don't think thats fair to anyone involved. So I've been pondering if I should divorce. The problem is now I've got to tear my live apart, deal with the house we just bought, and everything else.

 

I just don't know if my feelings of betrayal are justified. Am I wrong because I stayed after the first time? Second time?

[2sure]

Yuck.

 

First, when a woman wants a child , when her alarm clock goes off, even if she thought she didnt want one before.....its like trying to stop a freight train. For me, it was like an internal FORCE. I wasnt myself really, horomones play a part.

 

Of course, that doesnt change YOUR feelings. Which are fair and honest. It is a betrayal. If you are considering divorce, dont let this be the ONLY reason.

 

The reason I say this is because like or not - when you have that baby, you are going to change. Change as a person entirely. Your feelings of betrayal may or may not still be the same. Your feelings about your wife may or may not be the same.

 

The bay is coming regardless, why not wait and see?

[norajane]

I'm happy to be a part of raising the child

 

Are you? Since you didn't want children, why so happy now?

 

Yes, you have reason to be suspicious, since she wasn't honest with you after having her IUD removed. But, condoms aren't 100% foolproof.

 

Since you didn't consider divorcing her when you knew for sure she had deceived you about the IUD, then why now when it could very well have been an accident? Maybe this would be a good time for some marriage counseling - which you probably could have used the last time she was pregnant and aborted. It seems you've left quite a few issues and feelings unresolved between you then.

[Ronni_W]

Condoms alone are NOT a 100% guarantee against pregnancy.

 

I have nothing but my intuition to go by. It sounds as if this pregnancy happened as your wife is telling you -- "nothing funny went on". There is a chance to get pregnant using just a condom for birth control, and that is what your wife is saying happened.

 

If you do choose resentment, it must also be directed at yourself for not fully educating yourself about the choice of birth control that YOU also decided upon.

 

My conscious mind is also using the fact that she did get that abortion when she knew there was "something funny going on". I suspect that must have been a very difficult decision and experience for her.

 

And of course. When it comes to creating a new life, there is also a MUCH higher force/power that is part of the whole process. Possibly (likely?) your wife is also using her own Inner Knowing and Wisdom as her guide for this pregnancy and potential life.

[norajane]

I also have to add a comment about this:

 

I told her after this, if she wanted to have children, she was more than welcome to find somebody else. I explained it wasn't fair for me to hold her if her wishes had changed.

 

So after that she told me that she was going to stop using birth control. I told her fine, we'll use condoms. Given the rate at which we have sex (1-2 times a month now) I figured that it'd be safe.

 

So, you told her you'd divorce her if she wanted to have children? And she stayed with you anywya?

 

And then she told you she wouldn't use birth control. So the choice was now with you whether you would stay or go. And you stayed.

 

So, somewhere in your head, you had to know the possibility was there that she'd get pregnant using condoms, considering the failure rate. And you stayed anyway. I'm sure she knew, too.

 

So, I think you both made this choice that if a baby came, it would be ok, even though neither of you will admit it.

[Lucky_One]

You would seriously get a divorce because your wife got pregnant while you were in charge of birth control?

 

You don't discuss your feelings for your wife in any of your posts. No mention of love, passion, happiness. Any reason for that?

[Enema]

I know hindsight is 20/20 but damn.

 

If my wife had two "accidents" like that when she was managing birth control I'd be on the first days appointment tomorrow for a vasectomy.

 

If you really don't want the kid, stick to your guns. Divorce her. I suspect that as soon as you start making a song and dance about it, she'll go the abortion route - you've been too wishy washy about it.

[GorillaTheater]

Enema brings up a great point: if you never wanted to have kids, why didn't you get a vasectomy? Why even bother with IUDs, condoms, etc. when you could have settled things permanently?

[Lucky_One]

I suspect that as soon as you start making a song and dance about it, she'll go the abortion route - you've been too wishy washy about it.

 

I truly hope she doesn't. I can't even IMAGINE having two abortions with the man who vowed to always love me through better or worse, but who threatened to divorce me because I got pregnant, when we both know that sex causes babies. The ONLY foolproof way to NOT get pregnant is abstinence or, if you are a woman, to have a hysterectomy or ooectomy.

 

The one abortion must have nearly broken her heart, if she wants a child. And to contemplate a second one? If I were her, it would probaly put me in a spinning depression and cause me to harbor resentment for my husband for a long long long long time.

[manugeorge]

While I think your feelings are quite justified and valid in not wanting children. I think you should have also taken steps to better protect yourself ESPECIALLY when your wife "slipped" and got pregnant TWICE...not once but twice. In that case, hell, I'll triple bag my penis because you have been presented with evidence of someone who can't be trusted to keep their word and can't be trusted to discuss their change of heart with you before making unilateral decisions on something as huge as bringing a child into this world.

 

But hindsight is 20/20, the question is what are you going to do about it now? Have you sat your wife down to ask what is really going on with her? Have you asked if she really wants children hence all these "mistakes" ? because all you are both doing right now is giving each other subtle and not so subtle hints on something you should be screaming at the top of your lungs about.

 

Don't let her get an abortion if she really wants children, I don't know anyone that can handle 3 of those. If you really love your wife, get to counseling fast because this is not something that can be resolved easily by a simple divorce. If you leave her and the baby in a huff, I believe the guilt will crush you. The hatred will crush your child and the resentment and hatred will crush your wife. On the other hand, if you stay, the resentment will still crush you, your wife and child will be at the receiving end of that resentment and they will also affected.

 

So go to counseling and find out what your options are at this stage.

[taylor]

Enema brings up a great point: if you never wanted to have kids, why didn't you get a vasectomy? Why even bother with IUDs, condoms, etc. when you could have settled things permanently?

 

I agree with you here, Gorilla.

 

OP, if YOU were the one who didn't want children, why didn't YOU protect YOURSELF from pregnancy?

 

At least your wife made some attempts to protect herself..using pills and an IUD. And she followed thru with an abortion to terminate a pregnancy.

 

What have you done?

 

Condoms are the worst form of birth control...they can break, slide off, be defective, etc. Most couples who truly want to avoid pregnancy use two forms of birth control simultaneously..condoms for him; pills/IUD for her.

 

You are putting way too much responsibility on your wife for becoming pregnant and not enough on yourself...if you are looking to blame someone.

 

Sounds to me like you are the kind of guy who wants to have carefree sex without assuming any of the adult responsibilities that sex entails. You dumped all that on your wife.

 

It makes me wonder what kind of father you would be to a child you don't want.

 

And I agree with other posters that you should not force or talk your wife into having yet another abortion.

 

Instead of her having multiple abortions, you should have had a simple vasectomy if you were that determined to not be a father. And now that you are going to be one, why don't you start assuming some adult responsibility for your sexual behavior.

 

At this point, stay with her if you think you can be a real father to this child.

 

Divorce if you can't handle it. Just make sure you make your child support payments for the child you helped create.

[carhill]

So this is where all the single mothers I dated got their baggage from.

 

I'd counsel divorce. A child deserves a loving home and father.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

How old are you? What an incredible selfish child you are..... No comments about your marriage, love respect, a life together..... But we do know you only have sex 1-2 times a month.... Why aren't you posting that you don't get enough sex????

 

How about you get some counseling to figure out your hatred and nastiness in your tome and views. Yes children may not be for everyone, but as you grow/age, I hope you mature too....

 

What is your problem with children anyways? Cost, responsibility, loss of freedom? Heck I didn't put much thought in to a family before having one and it is one of the great things in life and an experience that nothing can top....

[GroupFitness]

How old are you? What an incredible selfish child you are..... No comments about your marriage, love respect, a life together..... But we do know you only have sex 1-2 times a month.... Why aren't you posting that you don't get enough sex????

 

How about you get some counseling to figure out your hatred and nastiness in your tome and views. Yes children may not be for everyone, but as you grow/age, I hope you mature too....

 

What is your problem with children anyways? Cost, responsibility, loss of freedom? Heck I didn't put much thought in to a family before having one and it is one of the great things in life and an experience that nothing can top....

 

If a person doesn't want children, they don't want children..period! and they are equally as justified in their choice as someone who wants kids. This is not a question of "maturity". You don't have to hate children to not want one of your own, so let's curb the judgmental attitude.

 

That said, OP, if you didn't want children, YOU should have protected yourself. Not place the burden on your wife. You used condoms but as someone who is so adamant about not wanting kids, you should know that condoms are not 100% effective. You should have taken better responsibility for your choice.

 

But now that the kid is on the way, you will have to find a way to adapt somehow. Divorce(but provide child support), Grin and bear it for 18 years, Resent it for 18 years, whatever...weigh your choices and decide which one you can comfortably live with.

[angie2443]

But now that the kid is on the way, you will have to find a way to adapt somehow. Divorce(but provide child support), Grin and bear it for 18 years, Resent it for 18 years, whatever...weigh your choices and decide which one you can comfortably live with.

 

To the OP I would suggest to either divorce or stay and fully embrace the child. Don't stay to just grin and bear it or resent the child. It is a cruel thing to make a child grow up with someone who resents them.

[Eve]

I would have a DNA test once the child is here. Something seems wrong to me but I cant quite put my finger on it. Sounds to me that you and your wife have a very calculated marraige based on outward things and appearances. Not sure that it would be the best environment for a child. I reckon that your wife is biding her time and will move on once the baby is here... I think she wants a real life.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[tami-chan]

You did not want children and you were honest about it to your wife and yet, you left all the responsibilities of making sure to not have children solely on your wife. The previous posters were right, you should have gotten a vasectomy. A very simple surgery with relatively short downtime. As a matter of fact you should get that now, so there won't be any "mistakes" in the future.

 

Before this baby is born you and your wife should go into counseling ( it works for many people 1) to work through the resentment of being an accidental dad 2) to get rid of the mistrust-as you feel betrayed and perhaps deceived by your wife 3) so you are able to provide a healthy environment for your baby. Not necessarily in that order.

 

I understand your anger-quite natural when one believes he has been betrayed and deceived but it looks to me that you are or at least, have been unwilling or maybe incapable of owning the responsibility that goes with not wanting children and/or staying with someone who does. Because of that, you must now step up and own half of the consequences of your irresponsibility.

[BadKittyNo]

I would demand a paternity test as soon as the baby is born. And get tested for STDs just to be on the safe side.

 

If a woman is dishonest and deceitful enough to betray her partner by "oopsing" him or attempting to "oops" him into an unwanted pregnancy, then she is dishonest and deceitful enough to betray him by having unprotected sex with somebody else in order to get knocked up. Some women get into that babybabybaby mindset and become so selfish and desperate about it that they will lie, cheat, and do whatever they have to do to get that baby that they feel so entitled to.

 

I have never seen this scenario play out well. She gets the baby she wanted so badly, but usually winds up paying for it with her marriage. And always, always, ALWAYS puts a big victim spin on it and makes him out to be the big bad meanie who wouldn't give her the baby she so badly wanted, needed, and deserved.

 

IMHO, if you don't want any more kids (providing this one is even yours) you need to get a vasectomy.

[stillafool]

Yes OP, why didn't you get a vasectomy?

 

Also, even if you get a divorce you will stay have to pay child support for at least 18 years, correct?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

If a person doesn't want children, they don't want children..period! and they are equally as justified in their choice as someone who wants kids. This is not a question of "maturity". You don't have to hate children to not want one of your own, so let's curb the judgmental attitude.

 

That said, OP, if you didn't want children, YOU should have protected yourself. Not place the burden on your wife. You used condoms but as someone who is so adamant about not wanting kids, you should know that condoms are not 100% effective. You should have taken better responsibility for your choice.

 

But now that the kid is on the way, you will have to find a way to adapt somehow. Divorce(but provide child support), Grin and bear it for 18 years, Resent it for 18 years, whatever...weigh your choices and decide which one you can comfortably live with.

 

Yes it is a person's choice not to have children, but read the OP and there is was more then just not wanting children for this person. The nastiness, bitterness, downright contempt is truly disturbing. Calling a miscarriage karma, says that he needs counseling to address his anger and views...

 

BTW a vasectomy is a cakewalk and he'd do many a favor to get one....