Do I tell him I stopped talking to him because I love him?

[milly87]

About a year ago i met someone totally randomly and we became extremely good friends, very fast... 8 months in, it occurred to me that i may be in love with him, and i couldnt stop thinking about it. To be perfectly honest minus sex, in all other possible ways - we tell each other everything, he acts like my boyfriend.

 

Randomly whilst drunk a couple of weeks ago i mentioned that everyone thinks i like him too much for a friend, that I might actually really just like him... I said this just to see his reaction, he didnt really have one, seriously he just starred into space... So I pretended to be angry about something else and have since been pulling away.

Being his 'friend' whilst thinking about him all the time, worrying, caring and frankly being in love with him got way too hard to fake.

 

Unless the gods like me and he's thinking the exact same thing I am, he probably just wants to be friends, he acts but has never actually voiced otherwise. I dont want to waste my time hoping for something more, and I dont want to embarass myself and ruin what could be a potential life long friendship (which I plan to continue if/when im over him) by announcing unrequited love.

 

I'm at a point where I can call him and explain... Or I can seriously cry for a bit and hopefully move on.

 

What do you think i should do? I am so conflicted...

[likeORIGAMI]

Several years ago, I was in a very similar situation, but from the other side.

 

Met this really amazing girl, and we talked mostly through MSN. We went to different schools, so I didn't see her much other than the occasional social event. We became best friends and I knew that we shared something special, but I never really gave much thought to being more than friends.

 

It wasn't until she revealed that she had feelings for me that my eyes were open to what was going on beneath the surface. I was young, and I admit that I was afraid. Afraid that a failed relationship would ruin the friendship which we had built together. So, regretfully to this day, I neglected her feelings, for the sake of the friendship and we remained good friends. But that all changed when I told her about another girl I was falling for.

 

She couldn't withstand having these feelings for me, and seeing me with someone else. She knew it wasn't fair that our friendship suffered, but you can't help how you feel. So we stopped talking..

 

After I split from the girl, our conversations were never the same. I'm paraphrasing here, but I remember her saying "it was like watching us fail at something we'd always been". We just gradually stopped talking. 4 years went by and I am JUST starting to talk to her again. I apologized for being so insensitive, and our future is still unclear.

 

In short, I think it would be best if you voiced your feelings, and see how he responds. You never know. You have a great friendship and that is wonderful, but making the transition to a romantic relationship, that would be something special.

 

Anyways, life is about taking risks. You will either feel embarrassed for a couple of days, or regret for the rest of your life.

 

Best of luck.

[MagicRat09]

Here's what I did. I told her, I got the expected shootdown. I tried to distance myself, she kept asking for me, I relented, she started seeing someone else, I told her I couldn't do it anymore and moved on.

 

The most important thing is to focus on you, your own well being and happiness. Bring some resolution to this so you can either progress with him or move on.

[carhill]

OP, I'm going to say something that might sound harsh but life experience has taught me the truth in it....

 

When you told him how you felt, and his response was to stare off into space, at that moment he showed you that he was not a friend, rather that he has just been using you. A friend values you, is interested in you, and takes your feelings and thoughts seriously. Even if he harbors no romantic feelings towards you (IDK but let's say he doesn't), a true friend would validate your revelation. At worst, if I had been in his place, I would have said "Wow. I really don't know how to respond. That's a really beautiful thing you've shared".

 

Perhaps this is one example of why, typically, it should be the man pursuing, since men often move at a slower pace with their emotions than women do. If the women does not discern the pursuit after a period of time (which she determines), it's probably better to move on emotionally. I know that's hard. I've been in a couple of unbalanced friendships where I cared more than the woman did and can empathize.

 

My suggestion is honesty. Tell him what you shared is honest and that, if he prefers to be "just friends", you don't feel that is healthy for you. Wish him well and say goodbye.

[WTRanger]

You could have caught him completely off guard too. So perhaps not all is lost. I'll tell you an example that happened in my life that is somewhat similar and as Carhill says, the male brain barely has dirt roads with donkeys pulling carts where the female brain has 600 lane super highways with flying cars.

 

A while back there was this girl that I hung out with all of the time, she lived next door to me. I had massive amounts of feelings for her, but I had never acted on them and after 3 years I had assumed I was friendzoned. Then, out of the clear blue she says, "I love you." to me. I took me by complete surprise and I didn't say anything. My brain just had all of it's fuses blown and I just stayed quiet like an idiot. But I didn't expect her to say this, just one sentence before she told me she loved me we were talking about chimpanzee's dressed up like businessmen and then BAM! out of left field comes "I love you."

 

Because of my stunned look and lack of a credible response she assumed that I didn't feel the same way and secretly moved on and started to distance herself. When in reality I felt the same way about her but I never expected it to happen in real life. We grew apart over the next months and I haven't seen or talked to her in 6 years now. I'm not sure we would have worked together as a couple, but we were great friends. So don't give up on this one just yet. Don't make the mistakes we did and just run off assumptions. In fact your current actions are matching her's exactly after she told me. The fake fights, the fake anger, the pulling away, etc.

 

Interjecting your feelings into an everyday conversation could have confsued him. You might have to sit him down and have a good face to face, heart to heart talk. Then, and only then will you know the true answer.

[milly87]

WTRanger

You sound exactly like us.. it was surreal reading that. I guess I'm scared of being rejected, loosing the friendship in the long run... Plus, I don't want to bring it up again if he doesn't... arghh. How would you advise?

 

carhill

Harsh is usually honest, and that was my first reaction too... My only slight worry is the fact that I used ''people think I like you'' as opposed to.. hey i really do, when exposing these feelings, so maybe I confused him whilst trying to confuse myself. Alcohol. Bad timing. Not good.

 

MagicRat09

I dont know if i can be happy if this level of intensity continues without anything else... however i will be very unhappy if i lost it all completely.

 

 

So weird.. its weekend, and im scared to call and make plans.. for the first time.. EVER, I dont want to be the one. It's changed, it just has.

[carhill]

I don't know if i can be happy if this level of intensity continues without anything else... however i will be very unhappy if i lost it all completely.

 

LOL, have I got a story for you (not to be told here). I understand the power and pain of that conundrum completely.

 

IMO, since you're both single, the progression is clear. He either finds you attractive or he doesn't. If he's wired like most men, that usually will happen immediately or quickly. Everything else is paperwork catching up with the decision. I can tell you with confidence, having had both close platonic female friends and romantic interests that, after 8 months of knowing someone as a close friend, there would be no ambiguity. If you had said that to me, and I was attracted, I would've simply said "let's find out" and kissed you. Again, no ambiguity. I'd feel it. His indecision speaks volumes, IMO.

 

Well, hope that helped a little. I really can't tell you where to go to next. I've been trying to figure that one out for about half my life now

[WTRanger]

The big regret in my case was that I didn't talk to her about what she said and how I reacted. As the days went by, it sunk in what she was trying to tell me. But for some reason, I guess my brain was still fooling me that what she said was a fluke and there would be no way she's interested in me in that way, I decided against talking to her. When I finally did, it was too late. She had moved and and made up some random reason why she hated my guts now.

 

I just wish one of us would have had the courage to talk it out. Dropping the L-bomb in the middle of a random conversation does just that, it's a bomb. So you might have to have a heart to heart with him if this is really important to you. I realize it's not the best of conversations, but you need an answer. Even if it's not the answer you are looking for.