how am i dating an ex addict??

[blue42]

i live in NYC. i like to go out to bars and clubs. i like to have fun and get drunk and smoke weed occasionally and dance on tables and be with the girls and not have to think about being home at a certain time. i have definitely done my share of pills and powders in my "rave" years and was not an "addict" but have not touched any of it in about 2 years. i work really hard and have a great job in the fashion industry that promotes glamorous parties where fabulous people hang out till the wee hours of the morning.

 

I'm having the time of my life.

 

Then I meet him...he is handsome and makes a lot of money and is funny, and great in bed and owns his own place and does yoga and is charming and SMART. so f***ing smart...i learned so much in the past 4 months of knowing him. I find out he is 5 years sober from sniffing oxys, i'm cool with it. i went to an NA meeting at his request to see what it was all about. We reminisce about how it felt to get fkd up and all the good times we both had with our friends way back when. he treats me better than anyone i have been with. he wants a future with me and tells me openly how crazy he is about me.

 

the problem you ask? HE DOESNT GO OUT (for obvious reasons). he likes to have a routine. i am now sober ALL the time around him...weekends especially. my life has been put on hold. the fun that i was having has now ended. i cant be THAT GIRL who gets wasted around her sober boyfriend!! the horror!!! it makes me crazy. i feel totally suffocated. SURE i can have a drink if we go out with friends or family for a birthday or event and he actually encourages it (but in small doses), but it is not the same. there is no drunk s*x at the end of saturday night with him, no bloody marys with sunday brunch the next day...JUST the eggs benedict please! hold the vodka.

 

i think to myself it could be worse, he could still be using and treat me like sh*t like every other guy i have dated (who in fact have used recreational drugs and or sold them...just saying)

 

where do i get off complaining? but its HARD. is there anyone out there who understands what I am going through? who has shut down that part of themselves for someone totally committed to their recovery? who secretly wants to just go out and get whacked like the rest of your friends because you cant do it being in that kind of relationship?

 

listen i know some of you will hate on me and say i am selfish and what not, and "how insensitive"....i dont want to be judged i just want to relate to anyone who understands what I am feeling.

 

recovery is a beautiful thing. it is the hardest test of human strength to suppress something much bigger than yourself...to fill a hole in your being with love and not drugs to feel complete. i respect those who are fighting the battle and actually winning it a day at a time.

 

i just need some peace with this.

 

thanks for reading.

[Mike86]

I won't hate on you but I'm sure your liver and kidneys will.

 

The fact of the matter is you can't have it both ways. If want to be the drunk party girl type then you will only be able to get along with guys that want to use you. If you want to stay with the nice guy then you have to be nice girl.

 

If having a few drinks at a party isn't enough then you might have a problem. Especially if you have to be drunk to have sex. Nothing wrong with that but you make it sound like a neccessity.

 

Honestly you sound like a character off of Sex and the City.

[amaysngrace]

I believe people who help us grow enter our lives for a reason.

 

And it's to help us grow!

[Midas]

Stop complaining and recover with him.

[blue42]

i'm not an alcoholic and i dont have to be drunk to have sex either...its just completely different...i cant just go to the bar to hang out with friends like all of my past relationships, or like all of my girlfriends who do that with THEIR boyfriends and it makes me jealous.

 

you are right I cant have it both ways now and i have grown since meeting him.

 

thanks for the insight.

[crzyblndstar]

Blue, I was in the same situation a couple of years ago. I too like to go out and have a good time and my boyfriend would never go because he was a recovering addict as well. I tried to be the stay at home, good girlfriend, but it got tough. I WANTED to go out and party with my friends. For the most part, he didn't mind me going out every once in a while. But, when I knew it was either go out and have a blast, or sit at home with him doing absolutely nothing, it got hard to choose him.

 

The thing is, he wouldn't go anywhere. I couldn't even get him to go to my friends wedding with me or cookouts because he knew there would be beer there. If there was going to be alcohol and more than 3 people there, he wouldn't go. This got so old and I ended up going out every single weekend without him.

 

It got to the point that I started being jealous of my friends and their relationships as well. I wanted to have fun with my boyfriend and we never did. EVER.

 

Needless to say, I realized we were too different and we split up. But, there were other problems in our relationship as well. The sex was terrible, we had different goals in life, and we really just didn't get along very well after a while.

 

You have to choose what you can handle and what you can't. If he is as great of a guy as you say he is, and you really enjoy being around him, you have to figure out what you would miss most: going out living in the fast-lane so to speak, or would you miss him. And, maybe you can come up with a compromise. You can go out and have a girls night every once in a while and not expect him to come. And other nights do fun couple related stuff with him that doesn't involve alcohol.

 

I am in a great relationship now. Someone who likes to have fun with me and hang out with my friends. We share common interests and values. This is the relationship I have always dreamed of. We laugh together and go out together, listen to live music, but we are more than happy to enjoy each others company sitting at home doing nothing.

 

You just have to realize that you may end up resenting him for missing out on the lifestyle that you are accustomed to. You have to figure out what is important to you at this point in your life.

 

Sorry for the novel, but I hope I did help you out some by sharing my experience.

[sugarmomma]

You don't have to give up your life to be a part of his.

 

That's a huge mistake women make!!

 

You just can't do those things with HIM. You still have your friends, right?

 

Call them up for old times sake. I'm sure they miss you.

 

Then go home to him (assuming you guys live together)

[sugarmomma]

i'm not an alcoholic and i dont have to be drunk to have sex either...its just completely different...i cant just go to the bar to hang out with friends like all of my past relationships, or like all of my girlfriends who do that with THEIR boyfriends and it makes me jealous.

 

you are right I cant have it both ways now and i have grown since meeting him.

 

thanks for the insight.

 

I don't understand. Does he not allow you to hang out with friends ever?

 

You should hang with your friends at least once a month and he should be supportive of this.

[Jilly Bean]

Why can't you still go out for girl's night and get wild and get loaded?

 

I have some friends who are sober addicts, and I will have a few drinks around them, but would never get crazy, out of respect.

 

I don't see why you can't date him, and still maintain your other friendships and lifestyle.

[mark982]

jilly bean,couldn't agree more.even though i'm the one with the problem in my family,i encourage my wife to go out and blow off steam.

[dkny27]

I had a similar situation. I love going out to the clubs and drinking with my friends. I have done my fair share of party favors...but its never been a problem for me. my ex is an addict...and treated me like a princess. He was the best bf ever in a lot of ways (but we had our share or problems too) I would spend some time with him. my opinion...if you really like this guy then you'll figure out how to make it work. You don't have to give up your life for his. Maybe 2 weekends out of the month u can go out with your friends and then go home to your place to recover from your partying. It would be respectful to him if he didn't see you like that...because it might make him miss his crazy party life,. Then the other 2 weeknds spend with him. You can have it both ways...but try to keep the party life to you and your friends so he doesn't get tempted. I know it was hard for my ex to see me walk in the door after the sun had been up and me still in party mode. It made him wanna be high too. and that was the worst feeling in the world...so I made it a point to never do that again.