Photos/Reminders of Exes?

[stace79]

So I got engaged one week ago. My fiance and I had a rocky relationship, but stuck things out because we truly love each other and want to work through our problems together.

 

One of our problems over the years was an ex-girlfriend of his who he wasn't over when we first started dating. He broke up with me b/c she came back to him, only to realize that she just didn't want him to be with anyone else. I took him back and we consistently argued over his maintaining friendly contact with her via e-mail, texts and phone calls. He agreed to not ever see her in person (she lives two hours away anyway).

 

Finally I decided it wasn't worth it to me to be so insecure about her and I broke up with him several months ago. He says this opened his eyes and he realized what an idiot he was being, and stubborn. He said he realizes that since he loves me and wants me to be happy, that I am far more important than meaningless conversations with his ex. He e-mailed her and BCC'd me, telling her they cannot talk anymore and he is going to ask me to marry him.

 

He has done very well following through and doesn't even seem to miss talking to her. She texted him on his birthday and he showed me right away. He said whatever I wanted him to do, he would do. I said ignore her and he agreed he thought that was the best action.

 

Now, he has some photos and reminders of her leftover. He promised me that anything inappropriate he had would be deleted/destroyed. I guess she sent him nude pictures once or something. He says other images he will not destroy because they are memories and part of his history. I am not requiring he do that but I am very uncomfortable about what he may still have.

 

What do you guys/girls think about these photos or other reminders of exes? Most of them I don't care about because I never even knew those girls. I just am having a hard time accepting him keeping anything of this specific girl because of the turmoil she caused in our relationship. What do you think?

[Chinook]

I think he's demonstrated that he is committed to you. You need to accept that although this particular girl had an impact on your relationship, he chose to be with you because he loves you and wants you to be happy. He does not choose to be with her or to marry her. He's not in love with a picture, a note or a memory. He is in love with you. You have to accept that this person was a part of his life. You also have to accept that some of that life of his with her, overlapped with yours with him. That's not something which can be changed now - but you can get past it. I agree with him, you don't have the right to ask him to destroy anything. It would be different if he was maintaining a relationship deceitfully behind your back, but he isn't. Trust him and allow his past to lie in the past... he has left it there, you should too.

[stace79]

I think he's demonstrated that he is committed to you. You need to accept that although this particular girl had an impact on your relationship, he chose to be with you because he loves you and wants you to be happy. He does not choose to be with her or to marry her. He's not in love with a picture, a note or a memory. He is in love with you. You have to accept that this person was a part of his life. You also have to accept that some of that life of his with her, overlapped with yours with him. That's not something which can be changed now - but you can get past it. I agree with him, you don't have the right to ask him to destroy anything. It would be different if he was maintaining a relationship deceitfully behind your back, but he isn't. Trust him and allow his past to lie in the past... he has left it there, you should too.

 

Darn, that pesky T word! That is the real issue. I do believe I should and can trust him now. I am just scared that he will go looking back through these pictures, start missing her and then change his mind about his decision to not talk to her anymore. I will definitely take your suggestion into mind, and I don't necessarily disagree at all. Thanks!

[subdued]

He's said that he won't destroy the images because they are memories and part of his history and that is exactly why he won't destroy them. Don't read anything more into it than that.

 

I have pictures of my ex-husband, and I have a boyfriend. I am no longer in love with my ex. I'm in love with my boyfriend. However, the pictures are a memory. They are a part of my history. My boyfriend has never asked me to destroy them. It would be like destroying a part of my past or the memory of my past.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What do you guys/girls think about these photos or other reminders of exes? Most of them I don't care about because I never even knew those girls. I just am having a hard time accepting him keeping anything of this specific girl because of the turmoil she caused in our relationship. What do you think?

 

I think he should put them away where they will never see the light of day - maybe at his parents' house or something? I agree with him that they are a part of his history, but that history has no place in your present.

[Ariadne]

I got engaged one week ago.

My fiance and I had a rocky relationship

He said whatever I wanted him to do, he would do.

I said ignore her and he agreed

He promised me that anything inappropriate would be deleted/destroyed

I just am having a hard time accepting him keeping anything

What do you think?

 

I think that if you are so insecure in this relationship you shouldn't get married.

 

I see big trust and communication issues.

[stace79]

I think that if you are so insecure in this relationship you shouldn't get married.

 

I see big trust and communication issues.

 

It's definitely not a trust issue. I trust that he would never cheat, and I don't have a problem or concern with photos of other exes. It's that particular ex, because she came between us before. I don't like the idea that maybe he might be thumbing through those photos and decide he really wants to call her at some point down the line, even though he's promised me he won't communicate with her at all and that she is out of his life.

 

I think he should put them away where they will never see the light of day - maybe at his parents' house or something? I agree with him that they are a part of his history, but that history has no place in your present.

 

I sort of agree here. It's not so much that I care that he HAS the photos; it's that I don't want him looking at them all the time. I feel like he should be focused on NEW memories between the two of us.

[Ariadne]

It's that particular ex, because she came between us before. I don't like the idea that maybe he might be thumbing through those photos and decide he really wants to call her

 

Oh, and getting rid of all that stuff you think is going to change that fact.

 

You have to be positive of his love and not have a speck of doubt that is going to happen, regardless of her photos.

[stace79]

Oh, and getting rid of all that stuff you think is going to change that fact.

 

You have to be positive of his love and not have a speck of doubt that is going to happen, regardless of her photos.

 

Well, they do say "out of sight, out of mind"!

 

I do have to admit, as well, that perhaps part of this, subconsciously for me, is payback. Like "So there, you stupid girl, I got him and now he has erased you from his life." That is definitely my problem, and something I need to work on.

[subdued]

It's definitely not a trust issue. I trust that he would never cheat, and I don't have a problem or concern with photos of other exes. It's that particular ex, because she came between us before. I don't like the idea that maybe he might be thumbing through those photos and decide he really wants to call her at some point down the line, even though he's promised me he won't communicate with her at all and that she is out of his life.

 

 

I sort of agree here. It's not so much that I care that he HAS the photos; it's that I don't want him looking at them all the time. I feel like he should be focused on NEW memories between the two of us.

 

I understand how you feel about her. We went on a group hike once, and there was this one girl who knew my boyfriend well and was flirting with him. She kept running over to some wild flowers and calling him over to tell her what they were called. Of course, she didn't call me over. My boyfriend would then run over to her and proudly tell her the name of the flower, at which point she would ask him about another flower. I was so upset. It was so obvious that she just wanted to get him to go to her and not me. I think she was a fool, because me and my boyfriend had been boyfriend and girlfriend for a long time. There was no way she would be able to get my boyfriend away from me. She was also very insecure. A secure woman would not try to attract someone else's boyfriend. I feel you have every right to ask your boyfriend to keep the photos out of your view. This girl upsets you; you don't have to see her.

 

However, you still don't have a right to ask your boyfriend to destroy the photos. You have to get out of your head images of what your boyfriend might be doing. Those images aren't reall and will destroy your relationship. Remember, he is your boyfriend, not hers. In a sense, you have already won. Your boyfriend has already experienced the pain of her toying with him in the past. I doubt he has the slightest desire to go back to her again.

 

You and your boyfriend will create new memories. If he feels pressured, he will just get new memories of a controlling girlfriend, not the pleasant memories you want him to have.

[stace79]

Remember, he is your boyfriend, not hers. In a sense, you have already won. Your boyfriend has already experienced the pain of her toying with him in the past. I doubt he has the slightest desire to go back to her again.

 

This is definitely true and when I get angry over it, I will come back to this thread and re-read what you wrote!

[Sexy Kitty]

Why does there always have to be some other person that tries to mess up someones relationship. I'm sure things would have been alot better if she wasn't ever involved. Oh well. That's life I guess eh?

 

As for the pics they are his past so if he is keeping them then he should put them away somewhere out of site. If he was going to call her he would do it regardless of pics he's kept that he looks at. It would be better if he did get rid of them though but that's up to him.

[crazymom123]

I disagree. If you have the one you want then why do you need reminders of your past? We're not talking about a phot of a high school girlfriend. He left her for this one & as much as it seems like he's trying, he is still hanging onto the past in case this relationship doesn't work out. If they ever have an argument, she's the one he'll run too (the reason for staying in contact). It's dangerous. If she is going to be his wife she has EVERY right to ask him to destroy his past reminders to ensure his WIFE feels comfortable and truthfully any man who is serious will do so on his own without having to be asked. How would he feel if she had left him for a guy and then kept reminders and continued being in contact with them about to get married?!?!?

Girlfriend use common sense. Even if this girl only wants him because he's with you, you don't want to have her there for him to get with when you two have an argument and have him destroy your marriage knowing right now the signs are there that he's not totally into you or he wouldn't need to hang onto the past. I've been there and that's the only reason he's doing it. He may not be in love with her still, but he's not totally comfortable with your relationship and secure that it will work or he wouldn't hang onto the past. Marriage is an all or nothing and anyone to tell you different is lying or fooling themselves. Her living 2 hrs. away doesn't mean a damn thing. He will find a way to see her if he wants to and right now he just doens't want to, but given the right circumstances...he'll travel.

[crazymom123]

I disagree. Some people love to play the fool over and over again. He's hanging onto the past and all she has to do is make a good enough case to see him and he'll jump. Let them start having problems in their relationship and who do you think he'll call?!?!?

[subdued]

I, too, have photos of my ex. It's no big deal. My boyfriend keeps gifts that previous girlfriends gave him. It's also no big deal. Those are his memories. He's not going to leave me for any of his previous girlfriends, and I'm not going to leave him for my ex.

[stace79]

I see both sides here. The one reason I haven't insisted he get rid of the pictures is because he has e-mailed her, copying me, to tell her he doesn't want to be her friend anymore or in communication with her at all. He's also agreed that should she try to contact him, he will tell me by the end of the day (not during work hours b/c it's disruptive), and that he will respond or not respond as I instruct him.

 

He has held up his end of the deal, because she has text msg'd him twice -- once saying "Happy birthday" and once saying she "thought she saw him crossing the street" near where she lives (two hours from our house). He showed me both messages and did not reply at all, as I asked him not to.

[shunter]

This doesnt sound like the healthiest relationship to begin with ...

 

but i am disturbed about him (and other contributors) keeping photos. Photos of an ex-husband, maybe .. especially if they include children or other important events .. but keeping photos of an ex-girlfriend is just strange.

 

what do you people that keep these photos do? do you open up the photo album and remember the good times you had with that person? that is just way too wierd for me.

 

so i am with what the OP is hinting .. yes your boyfriend still feels for her. in fact, i bet when he shows you those texts he feels all good inside "wow, my ex still likes me and thinks of me". if he had no feelings or desires for her to be a part of his life, those photos would be in the trash

[Trialbyfire]

This doesnt sound like the healthiest relationship to begin with ...

 

but i am disturbed about him (and other contributors) keeping photos. Photos of an ex-husband, maybe .. especially if they include children or other important events .. but keeping photos of an ex-girlfriend is just strange.

I haven't destroyed a single photo or gift, from an ex. Some photos are zipped and stored on an external hard drive, others are hard copy and are in boxes...somewhere...

 

The gifts I still have around here, if useful, or wear, if they're jewelry. The only thing alterred is my engagement ring and wedding band, which were recast as a necklace and pendant.

 

It's all just stuff that I have. No big deal.

 

what do you people that keep these photos do? do you open up the photo album and remember the good times you had with that person? that is just way too wierd for me.

I can now look at any gift and have no memories, unless I consciously think about where the item came from. I can even look at my wedding pics objectively, smiling at funny things, etc. It's the past and all the feelings are gone.

 

For that matter, my ex-H and I are friends and he's met my current man, a few times. They get along just fine.

 

Maybe that's what you need to do, stace. Go for lunch or dinner with his ex, hopefully her date and your fiance.

[looking4 green grass]

Wow! I think we have the same relationship! (Past relationship for me now.) When I asked him to end the relationship he did the same thing, sent an email to her (she lived far away) and copied me. But as soon as we had our next fight, he ran back to her and kept the whole thing behind my back. Needless to say I personally threw away her pictures in a not so mature yet very pissed off moment.

 

I could never get over the "extra" deceit. But I would have been fine with her just being shoved in a box.

 

If he TRULY ended the relationship and picked you, and crams her in a box, he'll probably forget where the box even is. Cram it in the back of a closet or up in the attic. The fact that she exists stinks, but the fact that he saw the light says a lot more.