anyone ever have MM grown children contact you?

[sally4sara]

He's their FATHER and she said he has ALWAYS taken good care of the kids.

 

He takes care of them with money, not love. Children don't care about money. They crave the love and acceptance of their parent. If they go there and get treated badly, money won't make up for it.

 

I have no care for the affair aspect going on here or that the guy is a MM. No way to go back and change what is done. Just don't use the kids like that to pay him back for not loving you. He doesn't sound like he knows what that word means anyway.

 

OP, do you have to continue to give him sexual favors for him to keep his end of the bargain for supporting the children?

If not, stay NC and hey - you're better off than some divorced mothers trying to get their ex husbands to support children from their marriage.

[nocontact2]

No, NC means NC - he said to me he would call me when he wanted to see me or our children. I told him NO! Dont text me, call me, email me, come to our home...dont sent me an f***ing smoke signal!

 

I dont ever want to talk to a man who doesnt love his children.

 

He said but you want to marry me and sleep every night with me?

 

I told him not now...when he said he doesnt love our children he totally changed how I view him and that the very thought of being in bed with him now nauseates me....

 

Today begins day #2 NC... crossing fingers...

[NoIDidn't]

Man, I feel for you. My grandmother had pretty much a similar story without the financial support. He kept coming around when he wanted something, but when that "something" created yet another child - he bounced (left). She had five.

 

If you don't make your agreement legal, he could walk away until you do.

 

The more kids you have, the less "fun" he has. The more likely he wants it out in the open so that he can hide behind his W and kids' anger at HIM and make it out to be at you and your kids.

 

What did the meat of the kids' messages to you say? If you don't mind my asking. Were they threatening? I imagine they might have been somewhat threatening if they fear having to share their inheritance with "illegitimate" siblings. Its not a true fear because their father doesn't have to leave your kids anything if he has a will and omits them from it (believe me, I know about this too, unfortunately).

 

Maybe its time to get a lawyer so that this thing won't end up so emotionally damaging to your kids.

[nocontact2]

messages were more taunting, poking fun at...just at 11:30 at night for hours...

 

it was ridiculous...we are not talking about 16 year olds here twentysomething year olds...

 

I'm just over it...I was abandoned by my father who has many children of which he only associates with 2 from 1st marriage and 2 from last all the other in between he has nothing to do with.

 

so this hits home for me in a major way when he said he did love our children. its like living my childhood all over. he doesnt realize what he did. he tried to back peddle late that night and say he did soul-searching and didnt mean to say he didnt love the children he just cant love them the way I want him to...WTF!!!

 

Screw him if he thinks im going to do anything to sooth him so he can sleep at night with his guilt!

 

Im pretty sure that the NC thing will sink in with him quick...he has had total attention and at his beck n call for all these years and I just ended all forms of communication...and one of our childs birthdays is approaching...

 

let him be guilty...i hope he cant ever sleep again and if he does its riddled with nightmeres!!!

 

im so freaking angry....

[NoIDidn't]

messages were more taunting, poking fun at...just at 11:30 at night for hours...

 

it was ridiculous...we are not talking about 16 year olds here twentysomething year olds...

 

I'm just over it...I was abandoned by my father who has many children of which he only associates with 2 from 1st marriage and 2 from last all the other in between he has nothing to do with.

 

so this hits home for me in a major way when he said he did love our children. its like living my childhood all over. he doesnt realize what he did. he tried to back peddle late that night and say he did soul-searching and didnt mean to say he didnt love the children he just cant love them the way I want him to...WTF!!!

 

Screw him if he thinks im going to do anything to sooth him so he can sleep at night with his guilt!

 

Im pretty sure that the NC thing will sink in with him quick...he has had total attention and at his beck n call for all these years and I just ended all forms of communication...and one of our childs birthdays is approaching...

 

let him be guilty...i hope he cant ever sleep again and if he does its riddled with nightmeres!!!

 

im so freaking angry....

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. I've heard stories like yours from my grandmother for years - she's in her late eighties and still feels my bio-granddad was her soulmate. Yuck.

 

Her stories were full of feeling like she was withholding something from him - her being at his beck and call, access to see his children (which he only did when he wanted sex anyway), and other things she thought were so important to him - only to find that he was perfectly fine without hearing from her for a season as it freed him to do what he really wanted to do.

 

My bio-granddad NEVER publiclly acknowledged me as his kin. My mother neither. They weren't even listed in his obituary (not that a dead man could control his widow's and grown kids' actions), so I know what your MM is saying when he "can't" love the kids he has with you the way YOU want him to. He is saying that they are YOUR kids, his obligations, but YOUR kids. I'm sorry.

 

I don't think he is going to be as hurt about it as you are thinking he is. Its just the way with these things. You've allowed him to keep your children with him hidden so long as he passed some money your way to take care of you and them, and so he's placed you into a box. A box that he can take out and put away at will.

 

A lawyer is your friend. This man is likely to be nothing more than a wealthy sperm donor to your kids one day.

 

Regarding the messages, I apologize for any insensitivity you might feel I am showing in this, but I think you are lucky it was only taunting. Not that it feels any better, but taunting is better than threats. One poster here once got death threats from her MM's grown 40-something-year-old son. And with 40 being the new 30, I'm not surprised at 20-somethings behaving like teenagers.

 

A lawyer and documentation of these events is in your best interest during this period of NC. In fact, because I am sure that he is giving you more than is legally necessary for child support, you can probably afford to find an out of the way lawyer to consult with about your case while you are NC.

 

Its not fair to keep your kids in the dark. My mom is not *right* because of what she endured. I'm sure your kids know who their dad is, and given your childhood history, you have to know what not being able to access "daddy" when they want to or need to is doing to them.

[Owl]

What, exactly, does his wife know about you and the whole situation?

 

She said don't call back, and call their attorney.

 

Did you tell her the whole truth of the situation? Does she know that he's STILL seeing you?

 

I get that you're trying to go NC with him...and I applaud you for that. I'm just not sure how you'll enforce that while still receiving unofficial financial support from him...and without his wife ALSO working to end the affair.

[nocontact2]

not sure what the wife knows, i was in labor when i talked to her, crying...told her he said he was single, i didnt know about her, i am sorry.

 

i didnt want him lying anymore to me or her, wanted to make sure the truth was known and between us both...

 

thats about all I got out before she asked for my name and number and said she had to get back to her dinner party.

 

i am 99.9% sure he spun the story of our relationship a totally different perspective to her so she thinks hes a saint still...

 

but i am not the first of his girlfriends over the years of their marriage...sure i wont be the last.

 

so, i tried to get the truth out...she must be content how things are??? who knows???

 

she asked me not to call her again, i wont. but im sure she will be thrilled when it comes out we are having baby #3 after he promised her how much he loved her and would be loyal to her and never see me again....

 

lies lies lies and more lies....

 

halfway through the day, NC success day #2 thus far, just another 12 hours...

 

I wonder if they have a chip at 30 days NC?

They should...

 

These men are like heroine...they suck you in, you fall in love with what you though was a single man...then you have a family...then you find out one lie after another and by then your hooked...

 

The withdrawals are horrible...I think the only reason i have accomplished day 1 and half day 2 NC is because I am so ANGRY at him for saying he doesnt love his children.

 

 

So what??? What in a mans DNA allows them to love some of their children and not all? Others are just disposable rubbish?? WTF??? He crossed a like and burnt a bridge with me when he said those words...I dont think he can do or say anything that would be sufficient for me to forgive him...

[nocontact2]

I am so sorry you are hurting. I've heard stories like yours from my grandmother for years - she's in her late eighties and still feels my bio-granddad was her soulmate. Yuck.

 

Her stories were full of feeling like she was withholding something from him - her being at his beck and call, access to see his children (which he only did when he wanted sex anyway), and other things she thought were so important to him - only to find that he was perfectly fine without hearing from her for a season as it freed him to do what he really wanted to do.

 

My bio-granddad NEVER publiclly acknowledged me as his kin. My mother neither. They weren't even listed in his obituary (not that a dead man could control his widow's and grown kids' actions), so I know what your MM is saying when he "can't" love the kids he has with you the way YOU want him to. He is saying that they are YOUR kids, his obligations, but YOUR kids. I'm sorry.

 

I don't think he is going to be as hurt about it as you are thinking he is. Its just the way with these things. You've allowed him to keep your children with him hidden so long as he passed some money your way to take care of you and them, and so he's placed you into a box. A box that he can take out and put away at will.

 

A lawyer is your friend. This man is likely to be nothing more than a wealthy sperm donor to your kids one day.

 

Regarding the messages, I apologize for any insensitivity you might feel I am showing in this, but I think you are lucky it was only taunting. Not that it feels any better, but taunting is better than threats. One poster here once got death threats from her MM's grown 40-something-year-old son. And with 40 being the new 30, I'm not surprised at 20-somethings behaving like teenagers.

 

A lawyer and documentation of these events is in your best interest during this period of NC. In fact, because I am sure that he is giving you more than is legally necessary for child support, you can probably afford to find an out of the way lawyer to consult with about your case while you are NC.

 

Its not fair to keep your kids in the dark. My mom is not *right* because of what she endured. I'm sure your kids know who their dad is, and given your childhood history, you have to know what not being able to access "daddy" when they want to or need to is doing to them.

 

 

Well, he is on the birth certificate, they carry and go by his last name...so its going to be a little difficult to deny they are his. I told him I will not lie to our children about who they are. And if he isnt man enough to tell them the truth when they start asking ?s then mommy will.

[NoIDidn't]

Well, he is on the birth certificate, they carry and go by his last name...so its going to be a little difficult to deny they are his. I told him I will not lie to our children about who they are. And if he isnt man enough to tell them the truth when they start asking ?s then mommy will.

 

That's not my point. I'm sure you will tell them who their father is, one day. My grandma didn't tell my aunts and mother, they found out through the sheer meanness of a family friend. But again, that's not my point.

 

My point is that this whole setup that you've allowed is why he is not going to care about NC. Insulting his manhood matters not when you didn't have a problem with his manhood during the time you knew him to be lying to his W but didn't have a problem with it.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you. The reality of your situation is of your making as much as it is his. If you really want to get his attention, NC isn't the way to do it. The way to do it is via a lawyer. The ONE THING he doesn't ever want you to do.

 

You can sit here and say that his W thinks that he is a saint, and I can promise you the very opposite. From what you have said so far, he's apparently a wealthy and powerful man and can be very persuasive. He's persuaded you to behave in the exact opposite of your children's best interest in this case. She is probably very aware of not just who he is but also of the type of women that are usually drawn to him. Don't make this about her and her feelings. Don't make this about what their marriage is or isn't.

 

If NC is a game on your part to get his attention because of his cellphone gaffs and his older children's poking at you, it will backfire. I can only imagine the hurtful things they may have said to you in their taunts, considering they are rich and may not think very highly of you. You have got to be objective about this. Hurting him emotionally isn't going to work. You are in a compartment to him in that regard. He pulls out his emotions for you when he's with you. Other than that, its in a box. Or his children born into the marriage wouldn't treat you the way they have.

 

You should speak to a lawyer. You have several months left in this pregnancy. Now is the time to get your legal ducks in a row before he decides that NC is his ticket to abandon your kids. Having his last name only entitles them to future child support. Nothing further. Having a legally binding court order can be much more than simple child support.

[nocontact2]

Well I failed NC..i ended up text messaging...at least they were not nice text messages. IM SO WEAK!!

[nocontact2]

Perhaps i should post a blog detailing from beginning to end of our relationship...every sordid detail...then send out the link to him....

 

Maybe he needs someone to tell the truth for him...

 

Thats what my girlfriend thinks i should do....

[MichelleS1983]

Here's a thought - stop BREEDING with this jackass. You're like a brood mare, for God's sakes! Do you not understand the concept of birth control???

 

Why do you keep bringing illegitimate kids into this world that will KNOW their own father DOESN'T love them and doesn't WANT them? Why would you visit that on multiple innocent children???

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

[jj33]

You have NEVER gone to an attorney because he doesnt want you to and his W is saying contact an attorney?

 

You go next week. Have someone look at the agreement. Make sure it is binding. If the children know now (his) there may be more ramifications. You cant afford to do things or not do things because he wants you to. You need to look after yourself and your children.

[NoIDidn't]

You have NEVER gone to an attorney because he doesnt want you to and his W is saying contact an attorney?

 

You go next week. Have someone look at the agreement. Make sure it is binding. If the children know now (his) there may be more ramifications. You cant afford to do things or not do things because he wants you to. You need to look after yourself and your children.

 

Exactly. If his kids are taunting her, they are probably quite sure that her kids will NEVER be properly taken care of if they have their way about it.

 

She needs a lawyer YESTERDAY. That, and some instructions with some birth control pills. Time to give the uterus a rest. Believe me, I know with four of my own.

[2sunny]

wasn't it his wife that specifically said to contact the attorney? i'd go. just not to their attorney.

 

you need to see if what your agreement states will be sufficient in the eyes of the court.

 

what if he didn't sign his normal signature just out of spite. what if he dropped dead tomorrow - what support would you get then? how would you raise your kids? to be that dependent upon him for everyday living and not have a formal document notarized and filed with the court is insane.

 

you have left too many windows open when the hurricane is about to hit.

[NoIDidn't]

Not to scare the OP, but this story just keeps coming to mind when I read her posts.

 

There was an OW who was pregnant with her second child by her MM boyfriend. Apparently, she too, thought that he was happy with things as he came around for the first child and the child knew he was daddy. I don't know if his W knew about the child and new pregnancy or not. But I do know, that he was sent to jail for killing that OW.

 

Too much is at stake to trust the word of a known liar. These kids are here now and mom needs to make sure legally that they will be cared for. Leaving things to the MM's word is like putting a snake in your pocket and not expecting it to bite you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

no he pays plenty of support and already has established funds for children in older life... we have a lot in agreement.

 

I would be doing some research on this. It doesn't matter if his name is on the BC, or what kind of agreement you have, or if DNA matches. In most states, if he dies the W and the children of his W will get everything, including what was meant for your children. The W can take everything that he provided for you with marital assets while he was married. If he does not recognize you in his will, then you and your children basically don't exist in terms of being provided for.

 

In other words, his 'word' isn't worth the breath he wasted giving it to you.

 

I would make sure that there is solid and LEGAL protections for you and your children. If you don't, and he dies then you will lose everything. If the W decides to be vindictive you could find yourself destitute beyond your imagination.

 

I'm hoping you don't live in an AOA/CC state. She could actually sue you for your part as OW.

[NoIDidn't]

I would make sure that there is solid and LEGAL protections for you and your children. If you don't, and he dies then you will lose everything. If the W decides to be vindictive you could find yourself destitute beyond your imagination.

 

I'm hoping you don't live in an AOA/CC state. She could actually sue you for your part as OW.

 

I only quote this part to say that he doesn't have to do a thing for HER. Only his children.

 

Because you do note that she is the OW and not the W, he owes her nothing. But he shouldn't be allowed to stiff his children.

[JLee26]

OK, i have been following this for awhile now, am i crazy or does it sound like this guy is loaded and powerful? I wonder are there other girlfriends with kids? Does his W have boyfriends? Could it possibly be that the two of them are married simply for looks? If that is the case the W may view her H as merely a prize and one she will not give up, even if there are other kids involved. She had to get back to her dinner party? ?? A woman that can return to a dinner party after he H's GF calls in LABOR doesnt give a SH*T. She has her home, her kids, her H and the lifestyle that makes others jealous. There is no reason for her to rock her own boat and be upset.

 

If the deal is in writing, and you say he claims the kids and you are ok with it, then i suppose you have already learned to live with this lifestyle. But move on and find someone who loves you and can commit to you 100%, you deserve that, all of us do.

 

I do not get the feeling you will find your fairytale ending with this guy! But you may find you r pot of gold. (not saying your in it for the money) You truly sound as though you care for him, so let him go and love those babies and save as much as you can for their future, because you may have to fight for every dime should he pass away.

[NoIDidn't]

A woman that can return to a dinner party after he H's GF calls in LABOR doesnt give a SH*T. She has her home, her kids, her H and the lifestyle that makes others jealous. There is no reason for her to rock her own boat and be upset.

 

I don't blame his W for getting back to her guests and trying not to be upset about it. I would certainly have not made a scene in front of my guests if some woman called me claiming to be in labor with my H's child. Its really not my problem and not much I can do at that moment anyway.

 

I think the OP put this in there to paint a bad picture of this man's W. There is no place for it. The first thing the W said was to call the lawyer. Apparently, he's done this before and she isn't about to change her life or lifestyle because he can't keep it in his pants.

[jj33]

Exactly NID. Exactly.

 

Which is all the MORE reason for the nocontact to call a lawyer.

 

I find it difficult to believe you did this out of naivete. Getting pregnant once by MM is an accident. Three times is a lifestyle choice. But its a short term strategy.

 

So start being smart where your financial future is concerned. Because if he gets bored, things could change very rapidly.

 

I really dont understand why you havent done that.

 

Noone (in the triangle) cares about you and your children except you.

 

I hate to be harsh but its the truth. And it is your obligation as their mother, to make SURE that whatever he has put in writing sticks. That his W cant claim that he used family money without her permission and try and get it back etc etc.

 

These things are VERy complicated.

 

Youve made a lot of bad choices. But that doesnt mean you cant start making good choices.

 

A number one priority where good choices are concerned is going to see a lawyer.

 

IMMEDIATELY. All these baby games - why doesnt he care should I put my story on You Tube... blah blah...

 

They are MEANINGLESS. Your ONLY priority right now is to see a lawyer - no need to tell him you are going. Just go. Find out where you stand.

 

THEN you decide what to tell him about what you found out.

[2sure]

Without at LEAST an affidavit of paternity....this handshake agreement is a complete farce. The longer the amount of time between the birth of a child and established paternity , the less responsible he could be held. LOL. And you can BET he knows this.

[Owl]

I find it difficult to believe you did this out of naivete. Getting pregnant once by MM is an accident. Three times is a lifestyle choice. But its a short term strategy.

 

I've had this same thought myself, but didn't want to be the "evil BS" and voice it first.

 

THREE pregnancies are nothing short of deliberate actions. We all know what causes it these days, and it's considered pretty preventable nowadays as well.

 

Three times is nothing short of an intentional action and outcome...designed to meet a specific goal. Whether the goal here was to attempt to bind the MM to her through these children, or more financial, I can't speculate on.

 

But this is clearly a deliberate action...and no one takes deliberate actions without some kind of intent and goal.

[jj33]

Agreed Owl. I dont want to be totally unfair. If you are young and uneducated (as this OP sounds) then getting pregnant and having someone who is quite powerful tell you it will be OK so long as you do what they say, well it may seem like the route to follow.

 

There could be fear of crossing the person I dont know. But all that is possible.

 

Otherwise its just a lifestyle choice and we seem to be seeing a lot of people making lifestyle choices (or purporting to want to) but they lack the finesse to make them properly.

 

Look at 2Sure she made it work to her advantage every time and married someone similar and still knows how to work it.

 

Only certain people are able to do that. The rest should follow the old adage "dont try this at home".

 

This OP is clearly not acting "smart" which either means she was swept away by events and somehow feels like she must do what MM tells her, or she she thinks she made a clever lifestyle choice but she really lacks the finesse to pull it off so that she and her children are properly protected.

[2sure]

It is risky business, indeed.