My girlfriend wants to take a break, not willing to work things out or see me again.

[AryReisin]

Me (16, don't have prejudices about age please) and my girlfriend (18) have been dating for 10 months. I have been always in love with her. In such a way she is the most important thing in my life. All the sense of life is concentrated on her. I didn't choose it. She sometimes was in love with me, and sometimes didn't feel things. I was really careful, considered, patient, always gave her what she wanted. The ****ing problem is, a few times she said she didn't want us to be a couple. So I told her we could face the problem and find its causes. That's exactly what I did. She wanted me to call her more often, when I knew it I did it. She wanted us to meet more often, done as soon as I knew. But the thing is, she never told me what bothered her or troubled her in the moment it happened. It was once the problem was big. We never had a fight. Now, she said she doesn't feel enough for me, she doesn't want us to be a couple, and want to take a break, to breath some air, to think clearer. I told her that the problem wasn't being together but rather something else. I said: at least please let me try to change myself, to offer you new stuff, you don't have to make any kind of effort. She is not interested or willing to make the realtionship work. It's been 3 days since she said she didn't want to see me again. It is the worst time ever. I am alive because I am afraid of death. Otherwise I would just have killed myself. There are two things keeping me alive now. The hope that the part in her that loved me and enjoyed our experiences will miss me, and she will let me show her how it is possible to make things work. And my fear of death. I really love her in a tremendous way. I am so afraid right now, that she could kiss or sleep or date some other guy, or try or not to forget me, or just what I think is happening, she is fine being like this and she doesn't want to risk that. If so, if she is and will be fine, and doesn't want us to meet again, or maybe not even be friends (which wouldn't be enough for me, friendship I mean), then I would try everything like couple therapy (psychologist that works with couple), or anything. I am just taking my dad's and her mother's advice, which is to let her alone for a week. No call phones, or emails, or chat. It is really hard for me. She said it doesn't bother her to talk by phone, or to chat or to email.

She also said, that she doesn't want to have a boyfriend, not particularly to be my girlfriend. So I am not afraid she is gonna be with some other guy seriously, but maybe she could sleep or kiss or date him. According to my view, there is no need to end something when is possible to make it work by changing a few things, even more if this is easy possible and necessary to make one feel fine (me in this case). She doesn't have to do anything, just let me deal the problem, which could be she doesn't feel we have many things in common, or she doesn't want to feel caught, or commited to meet each other very often. Whatever she needs I can try to give her. Whatever she wants in a man, I can and really could (in the past I could) become into. The thing is that if she needs sometime to think, that is ok, but if she doesn't want to see me again ever, that I can't accept or tolerate because I need her. Only 6 days are left until I call her by phone again, to see how she is doing.

[meanon]

Please do seek some professional help through your friends or parents to help you get through this time. You will get through it. I think you should continue to avoid contact with her while you feel like this. I hope things work out for you

[AryReisin]

Originally posted by meanon

Please do seek some professional help through your friends or parents to help you get through this time. You will get through it. I think you should continue to avoid contact with her while you feel like this. I hope things work out for you

I am doing that. I want to read from someone here, at least two things. A sincere opinion of my chances, and one opinion telling me I still have a chance (sincere or at least credible). Yeah, I know I want to hear what I dream, but also it would be useful to read a real sincere opinion about probabilities or possibilities. Thanks.

[meanon]

This isn't what you want to hear but I don't think the relationship will work now. The neediness you describe results from investing your whole emotional well being in someone else to an extent that is unhealthy. This does have something to do with age and experience. I and a few of my friends did it a lot in our early 20s until we saw the damage it did to our relationships and ourselves. If she really likes you and cant handle the demands you are placing on her she may come round if she sees that despite your deep love for her you are capable of standing on your own.

[AryReisin]

Originally posted by meanon

This isn't what you want to hear but I don't think the relationship will work now. The neediness you describe results from investing your whole emotional well being in someone else to an extent that is unhealthy. This does have something to do with age and experience. I and a few of my friends did it a lot in our early 20s until we saw the damage it did to our relationships and ourselves. If she really likes you and cant handle the demands you are placing on her she may come round if she sees that despite your deep love for her you are capable of standing on your own.

What does that mean? Standing by my own? Being fine without her? No way, not a chance. Maybe she will see that I didn't give up all my activities because of my suffering, so she will think I can at least continue doing things. But never being ok without her. And it is a real problem to decide if it is better to let her know that or not. Because if I lie to her, that would be riskier than telling the truth. Then one good thing I thought of, is to talk by phone with her mother, so at least I can get to know how she is doing. But again, it would be catastrophic if she found out, because she could think I was trying to get something from her or trying to push her through her mother. So I should try to talk to her mother and ask her honestly what she would do. Almost every action I take or not take seems risky.

[meanon]

Standing on your own means that you come to a relationship knowing you have the inner resources to be happy. Happiness comes from within. It can be difficult to believe that now when you are going through such pain but no matter what happens you have the capacity to live a happy life in the future - we all do. Sometimes if people do not realise this they feel totally dependant on another for their happiness. Their partner feels totally responsible for anothers well being. It can put a tremendous strain on a relationship. I have known couples work through this, give each other a little space and become closer as a result. I do not know if this applies to you but you asked for an optmistic interpretation and this seems possible to me. You need to talk to her (not her mum) but you may be rejected and you need to be stronger before you face this possibility.

 

Almost every action I take or not take seems risky

[meanon]

Sorry pressed wrong key.

 

Almost every action I take or not take seems risky

 

Yes love can be a risky business. Good luck.

[AryReisin]

Why do you say I should talk to her and not to her mother? What I want right know is to give her some time without any contact, a week without knowing anything from me. And at the same time I want to know how she is doing, so my only option is to talk to her mother and ask her (I mean her mother) if that is alright. Otherwise what the ____ could I do? It is more important to let her alone for a week than knowing how she is doing, but I am so anxious I am dying of pain. So far I really appreciate your posts. Thanks.

[meanon]

Why do you say I should talk to her and not to her mother?

it would be catastrophic if she found out, because she could think I was trying to get something from her or trying to push her through her mother

You have answered your own question. I agree she would be very annoyed. Her mother is unlikely to appreciate being put in this position, I think she would tell her.

 

She wants to take a break, to breath some air, to think clearer

This suggests she feels suffocated and pressured by the relationship. Do you know why? If not then this is what you need to ask her. She has a right to happiness too and it seems as if she is saying that the relationship is not making her happy. Your refusal to accept that she has the right to end the relationship means you are asking her to put your happiness before her own. This is why I do not think it is a good idea to tell her you will never be OK without her. I am not suggesting you lie - try to tell her how much you love her if you think it will help but do not make her responsible for your entire life.

 

she said she doesn't feel enough for me, she doesn't want us to be a couple

I would refrain from contact until you are prepared to accept this as a possibility, despite the pain it may cause. If she does not love you then whatever you say will make no difference. If she does then it may be that this acceptance is in an important first step towards demonstrating that the relationship can be more equal. She has been fairly clear about her feelings and it does not sound hopeful to me but she has asked for a break and time to think so it may be that she is prepared to give it another go.

[AryReisin]

I would refrain from contact until you are prepared to accept this as a possibility, despite the pain it may cause. If she does not love you then whatever you say will make no difference. If she does then it may be that this acceptance is in an important first step towards demonstrating that the relationship can be more equal. She has been fairly clear about her feelings and it does not sound hopeful to me but she has asked for a break and time to think so it may be that she is prepared to give it another go.

What is that? To be prepared to accept? How do I know? What if she doesn't love me but feels things for me? She has been clear in saying she doesn't want us to be a couple and not wanting to see me anymore. That was the last thing she said. It wasn't that she wants to take a break and breath some air. That was before the break up. I am really ____ up, no way out. I suppose the best I can do is to try to find solutions, resist until next time I talk to her, and think about what would be best for her and me, not only for her, not only for me. One of the main problems is that she is not interested in me calling her or not calling her. She said it is ok to chat or to talk, but she in fact is no interested in doing or not doing those things. The one thing she wants is not to see me. It has been helpful your opinions and advice, really. I just hope I won't cross my limit of despair and call her to soon, or call her mother. Thanks.

[moimeme]

What does that mean? Standing by my own? Being fine without her? No way, not a chance. Maybe she will see that I didn't give up all my activities because of my suffering, so she will think I can at least continue doing things. But never being ok without her.

 

Thinking this way will not turn you into the man you need to be to have a healthy relationship. Every time you say 'I cannot make it without her' or 'I will never be ok without her', you weaken yourself. People mistakenly think that their beloved will respond to their suffering; that the amount they suffer is somehow supposed to show how much they love. Usually, it has a negative effect instead.

 

There's a great song from some years ago written by Make this your theme song. Decide that you will get on in life with her or without her, no matter how painful the latter may be - and then do it. Repeat the chorus to yourself until you believe it:

 

I will survive

as long as i know how to love

I know I will stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

and I'll survive

I will survive

 

Excerpt from "I Will Survive" by Dino Fekaris & Freddie Perren

Check out the rest of the lyrics at:http://www.lyricstime.com/lyrics/1308.html

 

Become strong. You can and will live just fine without her, if you have to.

[AryReisin]

Become strong. You can and will live just fine without her, if you have to.

How? It is easy to say what to do and sometimes how to do it. How can I be fine without her? The only thing that makes me hopeful is the idea I can wait for her all of my life.

[moimeme]

Go to the words of the song. Instead of saying to yourself 'I can't make it without her' say to yourself 'I will survive this. I am strong. I can get through this'.

[AryReisin]

Originally posted by moimeme

Go to the words of the song. Instead of saying to yourself 'I can't make it without her' say to yourself 'I will survive this. I am strong. I can get through this'.

Sorry, hasn't been helpful. I wish there is a way to stop the suffering. These last 4 days life has been and is and will be MISERY, DISGRACE, TRAGEDY, TERRIBLE. I wish I wasn't born at all.

[AryReisin]

Originally posted by moimeme

Go to the words of the song. Instead of saying to yourself 'I can't make it without her' say to yourself 'I will survive this. I am strong. I can get through this'.

Sorry, hasn't been helpful. I wish there is a way to stop the suffering. These last 4 days life has been and is and will be MISERY, DISGRACE, TRAGEDY, TERRIBLE. I wish I wasn't born at all. I am afraid I will get depressed, the sicknes. No kidding.

[AryReisin]

This is my friend's message:

 

"Ary .... those people had very good things to say. You must listen to what they said. You did say that she wouldn't say anything until it was a big problem. I am not sure but perhaps you weren't tuned into a need of hers that she thought her boyfriend or significant other should be aware of and eventually your missing a detail here or there would add up and eventually piss her off and she would blow up.?

 

Also, what they had to say about you being able to live with or without her is very true. Desparation will only keep her away. To generalize, women look to guys with and for a sense of security. Desparation, not being able to live without them, pity, neediness, etc is not gonna get you a woman that you would want to be with. That is why this will most likely take longer than one week apart. Women want independent guys (another generalization but bare with me). Some want a sense of being taken care of. (Any women in this forum, feel free to help out here.)

 

Tell me Ary, or rather ask yourself what you appeared like when you met. Were you confident? desparate? needy? cocky? self-assured? What attracted her to you?

 

Your goal now needs to be being able to live with or without her. You stand a very low chance of resuming your relationship as a needy, desparate ex-lover. Make yourself strong and there is hope. Stay weak and you are a dope.

 

Good luck, be strong (its your best chance) and stay in touch."

 

This is my reply:

 

I always asked her how she is doing, so if she lied to me it was her problem. Really I was aware of her. Careful. Maybe I should have risked differently, however I think I risked the least possible. Tell me what to do, and how to do it. Please, How the **** do I become strong? I try the trying to have fun way. It is not great in fact. While doing anything I can remember her, even while watching tv. I don't feel sad ALL the time, but it is really hard. When I first met her I was confident, easy going, patient, didn't need her of course. And I think what attracted her was maybe I am different, not like anyguy of my age. The piano atracted her. I think my poems. Maybe she liked how I look. I don't know all the stuff.

How long do I wait? What do I tell her when I call her? What do I do then? What means to be strong? I assume I am weak now because you said it. What would be the problem with lying to her, telling her I am ok when thats a lie? If she asks me how I am doing or been doing, do I tell her the truth? I am seriously doubting all the advice people have given me so far. Honestly. Because one thing is wanting to show her something I am not yet, which could be a strong guy (I dont know how to become that and I dont know if I can or could), or giving her space to EXPECT HER TO CHANGE (This is what is happening and I think it is not good, however it is only 3 days left until it is a week). And another thing (This is what I haven't done yet) is to coninue the contact through mail or chat or phone, very inoffensively, showing her what I really feel, which is I love her and that is not a bad thing (I would make her see the difference between love and harassment), I want to discuss with her what is happening with her, and to explain that somethings dont imply certain things. If she says it makes her feel bad to be with me, then I would try to explain that the feeling bad happens because of a particular issue which can be dealt. If she is not disposed to deal it, or let me face it, then I would try to see how much she cares for me, this is showing her that while she is ok without me I am not ok without her, and the solution for the two of us is not the same that the solution needed for only one of us, so I would try to make her see the importance of finding a solution that works for the two of us (I dont know how much she cares about me, I know she doesn't want her and me to be hurt). Honestly I think that talking about things is the best, however I am not doing that yet, because the reality is this one: She doesn't want to see me. But she is not interested in me making contact with her through mail or chat, and at the same time, it doesn't bother her if I call her or email her. You see? So I think that assuming what is best for her (Not calling or chatting or emailing her for a week minimum, this is my fathers and her mothers advice) is in fact worse than asking her what she wants, if she told she doesn't know or she doesn't want anything from me, then I would find out how far she would let me try to solve things. It is a very complex thing. Every step is riskier than ****. I am really aware of the importance of being strong for her, but this seems invisible for me. I doubt I will become strong at time. I don't have a clue of how to become strong (It is not enough to hang out with my friend, and watch tv and do things, If I get sad, then the sadness can stop my activity, or not).

 

One more thing, the idea of being able to wait all of my life for her, gives me hopes. Coz I know that if she gets in a relationship it wont last for ever, I mean in 10 years she would be availabe again. I am thinking seriously the issue of being strong. I am trying to understand how it is essential that she sees me as someone strong. Good luck to me, and to you guys as well. Thanks. Keep posting.

 

Thinking about it seriously, I think these are the main reasons she broke up:

She doesn't want to feel commited. She doesn't want to feel responsible for my feelings. She doens't feel we have enough things in common, like if we couldn't share enough. She doesn't think that facing the problems is worth (at least our problems). She doesn't feel enough for me. She doesn't like certain things from me (and maybe she is afraid they can't change). She doesn't want me to change or she doesn't want herself to change to make the relationship work (even that is what I want, to make it work more than the costs (efforts or time I mean) of change). She is afraid that continuing the relationship would make her (maybe make me too) worse. She is afraid of hurting me and being hurt. She wants to feel free to do whatever she wants to do.

 

Now, I will put what I think relates her to me:

She feels things for me (less than love but similar) really. She said she wanted me to be ok. She said she had times when she was in love with me. She said she has beautiful memories of us. She likes somethings from me very much.

 

Now I will put what I think she feels (or at least felt) somewhere deep inside and she represses by thinking it is all lost and that when she is with me she doesn't see clear and that when she is alone she can see clear (I think this is a lie, I think that when one is in touch with something that involves one, is like the inner emotions reveal, it is not a matter of manipulation, me manipulating what she feels):

She thanks me for being there for her always (almost always, at least always I knew she needed me). She thanks me for making her feel good. She feels I am an angel. She trusts in me being able to become what she needs in a man. She enjoys being with me.

[meanon]

I think you need to have some strategies for helping yourself get through this. try lots of things, if one thing isn't working try another. I wish I had more time to talk to you - I should have more free time soon. I am glad you found the posts helpful and will keep in touch via this site. For now I suggest you search for other threads on the breaking up forum on this site. You will see that there are many other people in your position who have got through similar experiences. There are many excellent suggsteions of practical steps you can take right now.

 

Moimeme is right you need to make yourself believe you can survive to begin your recovery. It may seem trite to repeat a phrase but the subconscious picks up on often repeated positive or negative phrases. This is the basis for a lot of effective treatment interventions in psychology. Try it, try to believe it - you won't at first but usually in time it begins to have an effect. Search the net for similar material (power of positive thinking/positive affirmations etc) to understand how this works.

 

Think of a few practical examples: how do people push themselves beyond the limits of normal endurance to survive extreme hardship or achieve a near impossible feat? Why are some people able to survive torture and become stronger while others are broken and scarred for life? They focus on what they want to achieve, they are determined, they are ruthless about avoiding anything that weakens them, they believe in themselves.

 

You have the qualities within you to turn your life around and you have taken the first step by seeking professional help and sharing your experience with others. Now you need to get down to business and start being positive about your capacity to recover - this is the second step. Focus on that goal and go for it. try to resist the despair - look after yourself, avoid things that remind you of her, seek distraction, to things you used to enjoy. Congratulate yourself for getting through half an hour, an hour, a day without allowing yourself to wish you hadn't been born or thinking your life will always be a misery.

 

Take Care

[AryReisin]

Originally posted by meanon

I think you need to have some strategies for helping yourself get through this. try lots of things, if one thing isn't working try another. I wish I had more time to talk to you - I should have more free time soon. I am glad you found the posts helpful and will keep in touch via this site. For now I suggest you search for other threads on the breaking up forum on this site. You will see that there are many other people in your position who have got through similar experiences. There are many excellent suggsteions of practical steps you can take right now.

 

Moimeme is right you need to make yourself believe you can survive to begin your recovery. It may seem trite to repeat a phrase but the subconscious picks up on often repeated positive or negative phrases. This is the basis for a lot of effective treatment interventions in psychology. Try it, try to believe it - you won't at first but usually in time it begins to have an effect. Search the net for similar material (power of positive thinking/positive affirmations etc) to understand how this works.

 

Think of a few practical examples: how do people push themselves beyond the limits of normal endurance to survive extreme hardship or achieve a near impossible feat? Why are some people able to survive torture and become stronger while others are broken and scarred for life? They focus on what they want to achieve, they are determined, they are ruthless about avoiding anything that weakens them, they believe in themselves.

 

You have the qualities within you to turn your life around and you have taken the first step by seeking professional help and sharing your experience with others. Now you need to get down to business and start being positive about your capacity to recover - this is the second step. Focus on that goal and go for it. try to resist the despair - look after yourself, avoid things that remind you of her, seek distraction, to things you used to enjoy. Congratulate yourself for getting through half an hour, an hour, a day without allowing yourself to wish you hadn't been born or thinking your life will always be a misery.

Take Care

 

Hey my friend, I have come to "realise" that I want her because I love her, not because I need her. It is a lie and it is truth at the same time. I will make her know that I love her, and of course I have been suffering and sad, it is normal and logical in this kind of situation (it was all of a sudden), but that doesn't mean I can't live without her (I don't wanna live without her but she won't ever know that, because perhaps in the future that changes). I will say to her I missed her, and that my love is inoffensive. What makes me suffer is not my love for her. So what I am planning to do, is to make her see she doesn't have to feel guilty or responsible, and I want her to know I love her. Also I will ask her how she is doing, what is on her mind. What she is planning to do, regarding herself, regarding us. I think this will be the best way, making clear I am not a threat to her well-being and to mine. I will try to seduce her, this means, to see if she likes some poem of mine or she is atracted to me in someway. And want to share with her my thoughts, how I think we are, why I think it can be solved, and talk about what happens to her, how she sees the whole thing. What do you think man? Since I thought of this, I have been a little better, really. Maybe the repeating is making effect. I don't know. What I want is to be with her, not to stop the suffering (right now I am not sad), and maybe if I stop saying to myself that if I can't have her I can't stop the suffering then the suffering will diminish or who knows, maybe even go away. If what is needed to make her feel alright with me, is to be strong, then I will become strong, maybe there is a little progress now. It is more important to give her what she needs or at least something that won't make her feel hurt, than to sink into my pain.

[meanon]

AryReisin

 

Just read your last two posts. I think you have come a long way in a short time. You are feeling stronger and more positive. Well done. Next time you feel bad remember you can make yourself feel better with time and effort, how you manage to do this is of less importance than the fact that you can do it. Only time will tell if you stand a chance of getting her back or not - I hope it works out for you. Let us know how you get on.

[AryReisin]

Meanon thanks you sweet girl, really. Your last message made me feel better, more secure, because I appreciate what is coming from you. Thanks and as soon as I talk to her I will post, maybe I post again before I contact her.

[AryReisin]

Hey guys! Listen to me all. I talked to her by phone, and she was glad also. She seemed ok. We talked about how she has been doing (which was fine) and about stuff like school, my course of Reparation of Pcs and Nets, her friends, etc. I told her I have been missing her really much, and that this week helped me understand some stuff and accept myself a little. I asked her if it was ok to send her an email explaining her what I have been thinking and she said it is ok. It was really great to talk to her, I hope I didn't screw it by saying that I love her and that my love is a good thing, not a harmful thing. Now I want advice about this particular issue. I have 2 mails to send her, and I don't know the order. Help me.

 

Here is the email "A" (don't know if it is better to send this one first):

 

Princess Mariana, I want to dedicate to you all these things that express what I feel.

I dedicate to you these songs:

 

Coldplay Trouble

 

Oh no, I see

The spider web is tangled up with me

And I lost my head

And thought of all the stupid things I'd said

 

Oh no, what's this?

A spider web and I'm caught in the middle

So I turn to run

And thought of all the stupid things I'd done

 

And I never meant to cause you trouble

I never meant to do you wrong

And ah, well if I ever caused you trouble

Oh, no I never meant to do you harm

 

Oh no, I see

The spider web and it's me in the middle

So I twist and turn

But here am I in my little bubble

 

Singing out

I never meant to cause you trouble

I never meant to do you wrong

And ah, well if I ever caused you trouble

Oh, no I never meant to do you harm

 

They spun a web for me

They spun a web for me

They spun a web for me

 

---------------------------------------------------------

Coldplay Sparks

 

Did I drive you away?

I know what you'll say

You say, "Oh, sing one we know"

But I promise you this

I'll always look out for you

That's what I'll do

 

I say "oh"

I say "oh"

 

My heart is yours

It's you that I hold on to

That's what I do

And I know I was wrong

But I won't let you down

(Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I will, yes I will?)

 

I say "oh"

I cry "oh"

 

Yeah I saw sparks

Yeah I saw sparks

And I saw sparks

Yeah I saw sparks

Sing it out

 

La, la, la, la, oh?

La, la, la, la, oh?

La, la, la, la, oh?

La, la, la, la, oh?

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Coldplay A Warning Sign

 

A warning sign

I missed the good part then I realised

I started looking and the bubble burst

I started looking for excuses

 

Come on in

I've got to tell you what a state I'm in

I've got to tell you in my loudest tones

That I started looking for a warning sign

 

When the truth is

I miss you

Yeah the truth is

That I miss you so.

 

A warning sign

You came back to haunt me and I realised

That you were an island and I passed you by

And you were an island to discover

 

Come on in

I've got to tell you what a state I'm in

I've got to tell you in my loudest tones

That I started looking for a warning sign

 

When the truth is

I miss you

Yeah the truth is

That I miss you so

 

And I'm tired

I should not have let you go

 

So I crawl back into your opening arms

Yes I crawl back into your opening arms

And I crawl back into your opening arms

Yes I crawl back into your opening arms

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

Coldplay The Scientist

 

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

 

I had to find you

Tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

 

Tell me your secrets

And ask me your questions

Oh let's go back to the start

 

Running in circles

Coming in tales

Heads are a science apart

 

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

 

Oh take me back to the start

 

I was just guessing

At numbers and figures

Pulling your puzzles apart

 

Questions of science

Science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

 

Tell me you love me

Come back and HAUNT me

Oh and I rush to the start

 

Running in circles

Chasing tails

COMING back as we are

 

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

 

I'm going back to the start

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

Coldplay Yellow

 

Look at the stars; look how they shine for you

And everything you do

Yeah, they were all yellow

 

I came along; I wrote a song for you

And all the things you do

And it was called yellow

 

So then I took my turn

Oh what a thing to have done

And it was all yellow

 

Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

D'you know?

You know I love you so

You know I love you so

 

I swam across; I jumped across for you

Oh what a thing to do

'Cos you were all yellow

 

I drew a line; I drew a line for you

Oh what a thing to do

And it was all yellow

 

And your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

D'you know?

For you I bleed myself dry

For you I bleed myself dry

 

It's true

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine for?

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine

 

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you

And all the things that you do

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

The Beatles We Can Work It Out

 

Try to see it my way,

Do I have to keep on talking till I can’t go on?

While you see it your way,

Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.

We can work it out,

We can work it out.

Think of what you’re saying.

You can get it wrong and still you think that it’s alright.

Think of what I’m saying,

We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night.

We can work it out,

We can work it out.

Life is very short, and there’s no time

For fussing and fighting, my friend.

I have always thought that it’s a crime,

So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,

Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.

While you see it your way

There’s a chance that we may fall apart before too long.

We can work it out,

We can work it out.

Life is very short, and there’s no time

For fussing and fighting, my friend.

I have always thought that it’s a crime,

So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,

Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.

While you see it your way

There’s a chance that we may fall apart before too long.

We can work it out,

We can work it out.

 

----------------------------------------

 

The Beatles From me to you

 

If there’s anything that you want,

If there’s anything I can do,

Just call on me and I’ll send it along

With love from me to you.

I’ve got everything that you want,

Like a heart that is oh, so true.

Just call on me and I’ll send it along

With love from me to you.

I got arms that long to hold you

And keep you by my side.

I got lips that long to kiss you

And keep you satisfied, oooh.

If there’s anything that you want,

If there’s anything I can do,

Just call on me and I’ll send it along

With love from me to you.

From me, to you.

Just call on me and I’ll send it along

With love from me to you.

I got arms that long to hold you

And keep you by my side.

I got lips that long to kiss you

And keep you satisfied, oooh.

If there’s anything that you want,

If there’s anything I can do,

Just call on me and I’ll send it along

With love from me to you.

To you, to you, to you.

 

----------------------------------------

 

The Beatles All you need is love

 

Love, love, love.

Love, love, love.

Love, love, love.

 

There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.

Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.

Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.

It’s easy.

 

Nothing you can make that can’t be made.

No one you can save that can’t be saved.

Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.

It’s easy.

 

All you need is love.

All you need is love.

All you need is love, love.

Love is all you need.

 

All you need is love.

All you need is love.

All you need is love, love.

Love is all you need.

 

Nothing you can know that isn’t known.

Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.

Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.

It’s easy.

 

All you need is love.

All you need is love.

All you need is love, love.

Love is all you need.

 

All you need is love (all together, now!)

All you need is love. (everybody!)

All you need is love, love.

Love is all you need (love is all you need).

 

Yee-hai!

Oh yeah!

She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.

She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.

 

***************************

 

As you once said so beautifully and marvelously, "all we need is love" or "all we need is us". And you also said "all I need is you". Y dedicate this poem that I wrote, I hope you like it.

 

139

 

Preciosa niña, de finos cabellos

tu dolor me hiere,

tu distancia ahoga en profunda tristeza,

a los dulcísimos momentos de felicidad, que a través del eco

de mis lágrimas implora, ser revivido

bajo las aguas, desde el silencio.

Nunca he intentado, lastimar tu tierna y frágil estructura

de bellísima princesa, que tan inmensamente atrae

mi inofensivo amor.

Los lamentos no se necesitan, para despertar

el canto a la vida, que juntos podemos en armonía

emanar compartiendo el infinito camino.

Mi amor no pretende, ser dueño de tu valiosísima vida

ni aprisionarte, en el miedo al dolor.

Sólo quiero, que mis caricias puedan tocarte

para que tú puedas sentir nuevamente, el fuego del amor.

 

 

 

And this is the email "B" (or second email, don't know):

 

Mariana, this is what I chatted with a friend in english, I translated it with a program and corrected some errors but the translation is not that good. I wish I can explain myself easily. I would love to know what you think about all this. With affection and love:

 

"I want her because I love her, not because I need her. I will make her know that I love her, and of course I have been suffering and sad, it is normal and logical in this kind of situation (it was all of a sudden), but that doesn't mean I can't live without her. I will say to her I missed her, and that my love is inoffensive. What makes me suffer is not my love for her. So what I am planning to do, is to make her see she doesn't have to feel guilty or responsible, and I want her to know I love her. Also I will ask her how she is doing, what is on her mind. What she is planning to do, regarding herself, regarding us. I think this will be the best way, making clear my love for her is not a threat to her well-being and to mine. And want to share with her my thoughts, how I think we are, why I think it can be solved, and talk about what happens to her, how she sees the whole thing.

 

Thinking about it seriously, I think these are the main reasons she broke up:

She doesn't want to feel commited. She doesn't want to feel responsible for my feelings. She doens't feel we have enough things in common, like if we couldn't share enough. She doesn't think that facing the problems is worth (at least our problems). She doesn't feel enough for me. She doesn't like certain things from me (and maybe she is afraid they can't change). She doesn't want me to change or she doesn't want herself to change to make the relationship work (even that is what I want, to make it work more than the costs (efforts or time I mean) of change). She is afraid that continuing the relationship would make her (maybe make me too) worse. She is afraid of hurting me and being hurt. She wants to feel free to do whatever she wants to do. She says it makes her feel bad being with me.

 

Now, I will put what I think relates her to me:

She feels things for me (less than love but similar) really. She said she wanted me to be ok. She said she had times when she was in love with me. She said she has beautiful memories of us. She likes somethings from me very much.

 

Now I will put what I think she feels (or at least felt) somewhere deep inside and she represses by thinking it is all lost and that when she is with me she doesn't see clear and that when she is alone she can see clear (I think this is a lie, I think that when one is in touch with something that involves one, is like the inner emotions reveal, it is not a matter of manipulation, me manipulating what she feels):

She thanks me for being there for her always (almost always, at least always I knew she needed me). She thanks me for making her feel good. She feels I am an angel. She trusts in me being able to become what she needs in a man. She enjoys being with me.

 

This is what I see:

She is free, so she doesn't have to do anything for anyone, she is free to do whatever she needs or wants to do, and I respect that. I have made some mistakes and I see them now (at least some of them). I thought than risking the least possible would be the best to do (asking her what she wants or bothers her, how she feels always). But maybe it would have been better if I risked something by the fact of just doing it, like for example offering something she didn't ask for, or inviting her to do something different. I see she may need sometime to see what happens to her feelings. Maybe she is really sure, has made her mind. Maybe not. I don't remember having really clear from her what does "not being a couple" mean to her. So if it means not being commited or taking a break then I think it can be dealt, faced, coped, solved. I see very clear and possible how to work things out. Right now I want her to be ok and be honest and humble about her feelings, not to be closed in the idea that it is all lost and we will never be together again (together in whatever way, friends, or dating or anything). I see it is essential to be patient and to face my own fear and anxiety. I am honest about what I feel for her, which is love, immense and harmless love. When I look back I see we shared a lot of precious experiences. And I really don't want that to finish there. I want that to keep growing, each time better and healthier. I think she is afraid my love for her is dangerous. It is not that way at all. I am not going to pressure her. At least I want to let her know I am still here for her if she needs or wants me. If she doesn't want anything from me, it is ok, I can't make her change her feelings. But maybe she can feel again, some day, attraction or desire of sharing things. We had so many great things together, the possibility of learning from this is not gone. I have learnt a little about my mistakes and hope she will help me lean more, in order to be better to her and to myself. I don't see the necessity of ending the relationship. Really it is not that ruined. The other day I was listening to a cd: "Sur o no Sur" and for the first time I liked it because of the lyrics not because of the music, that was surprising, because I didn't do it on purpose. That made me feel it is really possible to share things we didn't use to share. The possibility of fixing things and make them even better is always there. I hope she could feel it is ok whatever happens to her, I told her sometimes that whatever happens to her, whatever she wants is ok, I respect it. At least now I think I do. I hope she doesn't feel pressured to do something now, or decide something. Maybe she would like to be with some other guy, to see if there are better things than me, because she lost interest or faith in us. That faith can rebirth, awaken. I really never manipulated her, or tried to. I sincerely think that most of the times she was with me she felt well being together. And sometimes she didn't, but that wasn't worked it out completely. She is very special, really beautiful person. I am truly in love with her. I hope she could feel flattered, glad about it.

I am glad she still cares for me and thinks it is important the well being of the two of us (which is not the same as the well being only one of us)."

[meanon]

Nice to hear from you again. These emails are epics! Your love for her comes across loud and clear which is good. In the first you are using other peoples words. In the second they are your own (much better!) but are not addressed to her directly. Why not speak to her directly in your own words, using some of the content in the second email message. Have you asked her why she felt pressured? If not now is your chance.

[AryReisin]

I must tell you I ****ed it up. About my girlfriend (ex now). I couldn't stand anymore your advice and the rest of the guys. So I talked to her by phone. Asked her what I wanted to know, and terribly it was as I suspected. She wants a complete separation. She is hurt and afraid but she doesn't or want to know why (because it makes her feel bad talking about it). So she told me to stop talking about what happens to us and I had to keep asking to know, to clear some stuff. The thing is I pressured, **** damn it, I told her that my love for her is not a threat to our well being and that what I want is to be with her, not to be fine. I can be without her but that is not what I want. Anyway I told her it is ok whatever happens to her if she doesn't know exactly. The thing is that to her it is all lost, not a chance of getting back together and the condition to see me in the future is I mustn't love her anymore. That puts me in the ****ing worse position I could ever imagined. If I want to get close to her I must stop loving her. And it would be only as friends. I am looking for help, but I am afraid I will isolate myself in such a way I will give up everything. Seriously I won't ever be with any other woman than her, and hope I will make it (waiting my life for her). I told her I would wait her as long as my love for her lasts. I need advice about how to approach in the future, in some months. By now the only thing it is ok with her is to chat and to talk by phone about trivial things, like how she was doing on her english course. She doesn't want to talk about our feelings. I don't want to forget her, even I know that's possible, because if I get insensitive about my memories of our experiences then I will lose my interest in life. Really I have no interest in living only for the things besides her, like the piano, my friends, etc. I will try to put my interest in different things than her, but I doubt I will achieve that. I have been thinking seriously that as I always wanted not to had born at all, then committing suicide is the same as not having died at all (no one is there to experience the end) and not having been born at all. I am afraid the lights are off and the only thing I see is dark. I would appreciate your advice, and please don't tell me the **** of moving on and forgeting about her, I won't do that. What I want in life is her, not anything else. So my goal is to find a way to be fine until I can get back to her, or if not a way to stop wanting her and heal the wound without getting insensitive.

[meanon]

Don't be too hard on yourself it may well have been the same outcome if you had left it a little longer. Whatever the problem was it sounds as though the damage was done. Sorry to hear it didn't work out. She was your first love and will always have a special place in your heart - you will recover from this loss and love again but you will never be "insensitive" to the memories of your time together. Remember that perspective you gained a few days ago when you said that what you were feeling was a normal reaction to this situation? Others get through it and so will you. Believe in yourself.

 

Accept the fact that there will be times when you feel low and find ways of getting through these times but do not dwell on thoughts of suicide or not being born - focus on the fact that you will feel happiness and love again in the future.

 

If it helps to think of her then do - you know the phrase "if you love someone set them free"? This is purest expression of love for another when we put their well being above our own. Suicide is not the same as never having been born. Her life would also be ruined.

 

It is hard to believe this but people in your position have said that this stage of absolute despair does not last for long. Be strong, weather the storm. Don't try not to love her. Just don't tell her - she already knows. Maybe you can be friends in the future but for now avoid speaking to her. There is risk in focusing only on the prospect of getting back together with her as you are not accepting what she has said to you and it will make it more difficult to get over the separation in the long term. If this is the only way that you can face the next few months however then wait for her. No-one knows what the future holds. I don't know if you will find this advice helpful - please do talk to your friends and family about how you are feeling.

[AryReisin]

My interest now is to see if it is possible to continue my activities and be friends with her in the future. Once she thinks I am fine and only want to be friends, then if we see each other something else can happen. Of course it would be very slowly, seducing her in a way she doesn't feel offended. Maybe in a month I can invite her to meet us. What do you say?