Gunny376 Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Thanks Gunny, that means a lot. It really does. I'm going to start a new thread with this story, but in a nutshell, my wife lost herself in the marriage, concentrated on being a wife rather then being who she wants to be. Something I had not failed to notice over the years. She Wasn't living her life for her but for me or at least what she thought I wanted. Now that she is doing that, I remember why I fell in love in the first place, thats what makes it so hard. I can respect what it is she is trying to recapture for herself, I just don't get why I can't be part of it. I'll post more after work. Thanks for listening everybody. TOJAZ That's a very profound insight of yours! See your learning and growing already! Its not what we can provide you? Its what you learn from YOURSELF! The answers you seek? Are within you! You but look inside? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Gunny-lol, that's really made my day. Thanks for the compliment. I needed that after being jilted 3 months ago! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Gunny-lol, that's really made my day. Thanks for the compliment. I needed that after being jilted 3 months ago! I'm serious! With an outlook such as yours? You won't be single and alone for very long! But do be very selective! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I think it will be a while before I'm ready to date, I'm pretty much an emotional car wreck at the moment, but when I do I will heade your words. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Tojaz, I believe marriage is a partnership, when you enter into a marriage with someone the very essence of that union is that you are no longer just you, you become "us". Although it's important for each partner to retain what makes them them, marriage involves compromise, on both sides. A marriage can't function if one person is selfish, if they don't respect or consider the other person, it should be "you and I against the world", not "me against you". If your wife lost herself in your marriage, then she allowed that to happen. You tried to resolve things, you tried to talk to her, she did not respond back. You did everything you could to make it work. Like Gunny said to me, it takes two to make a marriage work and only one to break it. Have faith in yourself that YOU tried. YOU cannot be responsible for another persons actions, or how they CHOOSE to deal with problems in the relationship. Lisa, keep your eyes on your own paper! I believe I said those exact same words to her once upon a time. Exactly the way i have always felt. Wouldn't be interested in being the 2nd Mrs. Tojaz would you?? If your half as sweet as your posts, I can be on a plane to the UK tomorrow. Thanks for the kind words, I really needed them today. Gunny, That insight came years ago, I had begged her to take some control, be a partner rather then a follower. It was a real turn off to always have to run the show. I definitely understand things a lot better now though. I HAVE learned a lot in a very short time I guess. TOJAZ TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 LMAO, good lord this is not Match.com. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Your right TIY, besides I'm married. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 How come no one hits on me? I'm feeling left out here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 23, 2009 Author Share Posted June 23, 2009 H&D, So, you come her often? You know, I'll be available in 48 days. ;) TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Lisa, keep your eyes on your own paper! I believe I said those exact same words to her once upon a time. Exactly the way i have always felt. Wouldn't be interested in being the 2nd Mrs. Tojaz would you?? If your half as sweet as your posts, I can be on a plane to the UK tomorrow. Thanks for the kind words, I really needed them today LOL All these compliments could really go to a girls head! Your spouses really don't know how lucky they are to have men like you. My ex strung me along for an 8 year engagement, then when he finally looked like he would actually honour his proposal and commit to me, he dumped me 10 months before our wedidng, the crux of the reason he has never really felt ready to marry me, he has always thought deep down that we are not compatable and he never raised his feelings earlier (he had 18 years), because he didn't want to hurt me or cause an argument. He said he couldn't be in a relationship that wasn't 100% perfect. No opportunity to work on anything even though I had no idea that he was unhappy, he even admitted that he had kept it well hidden and had lied to me for years. I'm not saying I was perfect, I know I did stuff wrong, but if one of you is saying an issue is resolved, they are happy with the compromise, when actually they are brusing their feelings aside and building up resentment, how are you supposed to know? Thanks, you are really cheering me up! The way my ex left has made me feel worthless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 23, 2009 Author Share Posted June 23, 2009 The sad fact that your ex is going to find out, is that no relationship is 100% perfect. Falling in love is easy, staying in love takes work and compromise. My wife was very much the same way. She built up a lot of resentment over the things she thought she was missing out on rather then express those wants to me. I would have loved to share these things with her. She lived her whole life to make me happy without making herself happy as well. Eventualy she got to the point that she hated me, yet I had done nothing intentionally wrong, or even knew she was unhappy until the end. She hid it that well. Marriage is a partnership, anything less is doomed to fail. Feel good about yourself Lisa, your fighting the good fight, your trying to make it work. Whatever happens you will be able to keep your head up in the end. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 LOL All these compliments could really go to a girls head! Your spouses really don't know how lucky they are to have men like you. My ex strung me along for an 8 year engagement, then when he finally looked like he would actually honour his proposal and commit to me, he dumped me 10 months before our wedidng, the crux of the reason he has never really felt ready to marry me, he has always thought deep down that we are not compatable and he never raised his feelings earlier (he had 18 years), because he didn't want to hurt me or cause an argument. He said he couldn't be in a relationship that wasn't 100% perfect. No opportunity to work on anything even though I had no idea that he was unhappy, he even admitted that he had kept it well hidden and had lied to me for years. I'm not saying I was perfect, I know I did stuff wrong, but if one of you is saying an issue is resolved, they are happy with the compromise, when actually they are brusing their feelings aside and building up resentment, how are you supposed to know? Thanks, you are really cheering me up! The way my ex left has made me feel worthless. No relationship that has meaning or lasts is perfect. That's fairy tales. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Ain't that the truth! Tojaz, I so hope you're right, he really believes that he will find someone who wants exactly the same as him, at the same time as him. How realistic is that? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 No relationship that has meaning or lasts is perfect. That's fairy tales. As we say in the Marines? The difference between a Fariy Tale and a Sea Story? A fairy tale begins with "Once upon a time,.......................... A sea story begins with,....................... This is no S***! Man! Belive half of what you see and hear! Don't trust your lying eyes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 23, 2009 Author Share Posted June 23, 2009 Ain't that the truth! Tojaz, I so hope you're right, he really believes that he will find someone who wants exactly the same as him, at the same time as him. How realistic is that? Thats not reality at all. Love and relationships are built on understanding and compromise. I've read your thread a couple of times and it seems to me, that you did what you could to make your relationship work. Almost sacraficing your health in the process if i'm not mistaken. What else could a man ask for, for me, that would be asking too much. He will never find what he is looking for. Perfect matches do not exist. As much as we might like them to. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Thank you Tojaz!, you are really being a rock for me, I'm so grateful. Gunny nice to see (read) you! Link to post Share on other sites
OP3Crimsin Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I read through your tragedy and waded through some of the responses. It seems you and I are similar in that we both may consciously or subconsciously try to control everything. I have a very innate way of getting the response I want by twisting the question or manipulating the manner my words are conveyed. What seems to drive all this? Well, the green-eyed monster always lurks. I have NEVER thought my wife was EVER seeing anyone else until she dropped the "I don't love you anymore" bomb. Now all I do is stew and think of all the ways she could be seeing someone else. Point is it will consume you. More often than not, control leads to rebellion. I am a living example. My dad is a retired colonel and my mom a R.N. I couldn't hide bull**** from either of them. But it did make me more sneaky. And when I graduated and moved out, I couldn't have rebelled more than I did. Women seem to need to feel needed and appreciated. I know I didn't do enough of that. I was never there because we didn't find our interests in common but you seem there just center stage and holding the keys to the cells. Lemme know if any of this hits the mark. You might be very like me in that you analyze the situitation and figure out what to say to achieve the end result you desire, not necessarily what she wants. She goes zombie because she feels belittled by you and her voice and opinion won't matter even if she spoke up. I suggest no contact but make some big changes in your life. She needs to see these changes indirectly too. Don't stand outside her window and say look how I've changed. Figure out what's missing and add it or what you did wrong and right it. Wish me luck too cuz that's my own advice. Although I don't seem to have a glimmer of hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Thank you Tojaz!, you are really being a rock for me, I'm so grateful. Gunny nice to see (read) you! My pleasure sweetie, you have helped me just as much as i have helped you. Just give a yell, I'm watching Tojaz Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 I read through your tragedy and waded through some of the responses. It seems you and I are similar in that we both may consciously or subconsciously try to control everything. I have a very innate way of getting the response I want by twisting the question or manipulating the manner my words are conveyed. What seems to drive all this? Well, the green-eyed monster always lurks. I have NEVER thought my wife was EVER seeing anyone else until she dropped the "I don't love you anymore" bomb. Now all I do is stew and think of all the ways she could be seeing someone else. Point is it will consume you. More often than not, control leads to rebellion. I am a living example. My dad is a retired colonel and my mom a R.N. I couldn't hide bull**** from either of them. But it did make me more sneaky. And when I graduated and moved out, I couldn't have rebelled more than I did. Women seem to need to feel needed and appreciated. I know I didn't do enough of that. I was never there because we didn't find our interests in common but you seem there just center stage and holding the keys to the cells. Lemme know if any of this hits the mark. You might be very like me in that you analyze the situitation and figure out what to say to achieve the end result you desire, not necessarily what she wants. She goes zombie because she feels belittled by you and her voice and opinion won't matter even if she spoke up. I suggest no contact but make some big changes in your life. She needs to see these changes indirectly too. Don't stand outside her window and say look how I've changed. Figure out what's missing and add it or what you did wrong and right it. Wish me luck too cuz that's my own advice. Although I don't seem to have a glimmer of hope. Oh, I have a controlling nature, no doubt about it. I never ealized before this situation, but it's there. I have a feeling she felt just as you put it. The fact that a person can be controlling has another part though, a person willing to be controlled. Unless you are physicaly restraining someone, you have no more control over them then they are willing to give up. I took the blame for being that way early on, later I realized that in a lot of situations, I had no choice due to her patterns of passivity. We both played a role. That is what ultimately led to her wanting out, trying to regain herself. Unfortunately she does not believe that this can happen within the confines of a relationship. I have taken steps to put this controlling nature behind me, unfortunately she dosen' believe that, Thus blissful marriage goes kaput. If you think this is you, I would suggest reading "Compelled to Control" by J. Keith Miller it's pretty dry but has a lot of the nuts and bolts your looking for. I'd also suggest "Reconcilable Differences" by Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobson the best relationshipbook i have read. I personaly think every couple should read it. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Tojaz, you are so right. I can't help but think there are similarities between our situations. I think perhaps my ex thinks I was trying to be controlling, but that was NEVER my intention. I always felt he never took my feelings into account,that he was never forthcoming in making decisions, never tried to express himself when trying to resolve a difference of opinion. He has admitted that he should have raised his feelings earlier, yet is unwilling to understand his part in this. I felt I had to put the effort in to resolve things when they came up as he never did, it felt like hard work, yet to him (I realise now), it was coming across as controlling, BUT, only because he was so passive. It's all such a waste of what we had, a case of miscommunication, why can't he understand that it doesn't mean we aren't compatable, it just means we have to find a different way of expressing ourseleves. We do both want the same things, we just needed to find a different way to compromise. I so want to text him right now and try and explain this to him, yet I know there is no point. I come back to the fact that he choose to leave without trying, he choose to be passive, even though I gave him plenty of opportunity not to be and even became more passive myself in the last year or so as I was becoming happier with myself (I lost a lot of weight, built my confidence), I became much more relaxed, it made no difference. (Then there are times I think it his way of finding reasons to leave, like my doctor said, 18 years and 8 year engagement, left at the point of marriage, coincidence? Perhaps not). Sorry for rambling, what I want to say is your right, your wife played a role in this as well, you did NOTHING to intentionally hurt her. It must be so frustrating for you that she cannot see your heart was in the right place and also very hurtful that she thinks so little of your intentions. All I can say is try to remember that you meant no harm, your intentions were good, she played a huge part in this as well and most importantly SHE CHOOSE TO GO WITHOUT GIVING YOU A CHANCE, you had no idea she was unhappy, because she didn't tell you. What more could you have done? Your not a mind reader. God I feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 :eek: Wow, I couldn't put it any better then that!! That is exactly how I feel. It's amazing how in posting back and forth, that the pieces come together and all becomes clear. This might as well be my post, it is worded so well. To be honest, I wouldn't call your ex, but you could send him this thread, or just this post. If all is said and done, what could it hurt? If nothing else, your feelings will be heard. I'm considering sending this to my wife as well. Let her see how I see things, I doubt she would bother though. Doubt it would make a difference. Nothing I have said to her has mattered much. Go back and read your first post and then read this one again, LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU'VE COME!!! Im giving you a round of applause right now, well, after I'm done typing. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 :eek: Wow, I couldn't put it any better then that!! That is exactly how I feel. It's amazing how in posting back and forth, that the pieces come together and all becomes clear. This might as well be my post, it is worded so well. To be honest, I wouldn't call your ex, but you could send him this thread, or just this post. If all is said and done, what could it hurt? If nothing else, your feelings will be heard. I'm considering sending this to my wife as well. Let her see how I see things, I doubt she would bother though. Doubt it would make a difference. Nothing I have said to her has mattered much. I'm not sure would be a good idea to send this to either my ex or your wife? Don't do anything yet, think it through, like you, nothing I have said so far has made any difference and I've pretty much said this to him, albit, in drips and draps. I guess what I'm thinking is, it has to be up to him to miss me, I can't make him love me. He has to realise his decision to walk away was not right and that he didn't give me a chance. (My thoughts are confused here, not making much sense, will post more concisley, hopefully, later). Just don't do anything yet, you may regret it later? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 You're right posting back and forth does help to clarify things. It was a post of yours earlier that set my thinking stright on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
KTMRider33 Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I'm not sure would be a good idea to send this to either my ex or your wife? Don't do anything yet, think it through, like you, nothing I have said so far has made any difference and I've pretty much said this to him, albit, in drips and draps. I guess what I'm thinking is, it has to be up to him to miss me, I can't make him love me. He has to realise his decision to walk away was not right and that he didn't give me a chance. (My thoughts are confused here, not making much sense, will post more concisley, hopefully, later). Just don't do anything yet, you may regret it later? Lisa/Tojaz, I can but concuur.....we where not given a chance. I have found that, nothing we do or say will make the slightest difference, the change must come from within them. I have been studying with some skepticism, Mid Life Crisis/Transition, and a lot of what you read here, fits. I know it easy to label,and not always wise, but I am beginning to think that our partners have in some way been experiencing an emotional crisis. It would in part explain the lack of rationality displayed, a long with a lot of other behaviour. I am yet to be entirely convinced, but it is worth considering. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Lisa/Tojaz, I can but concuur.....we where not given a chance. I have found that, nothing we do or say will make the slightest difference, the change must come from within them. I have been studying with some skepticism, Mid Life Crisis/Transition, and a lot of what you read here, fits. I know it easy to label,and not always wise, but I am beginning to think that our partners have in some way been experiencing an emotional crisis. It would in part explain the lack of rationality displayed, a long with a lot of other behaviour. I am yet to be entirely convinced, but it is worth considering. I just posted a manic post on my thread, just been on driving lesson and had this overwhelming desire to speak to him, it's nearly floored me the pain in my gut is so intense. Your post has just stopped me, you're right I know you are, there's no point, he doesn't care. My doctor has made the suggestion, given the circumstances that my ex left, he may be suffering form commitment or gamophobia, God, I don't know. I know I need to see the counsellor, the wonderful NHS, I have another 3 week wait! Link to post Share on other sites
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