My story,

[tojaz]

I have been in a better place for the last week. Taking care of myself has helped a lot, feel a lot healthier at least. Then the other shoe drops. When we talked last week, she told me i have been Emotionaly abusing her for our entire relationship . I did some reading and posted here >> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t191655/ just to get some reassurance that this wasn't true. Now she calls me today, and I'm pretty sure she only called to slam me!! She's getting off on hurting me. It's not enough that I have to get divorced over what ever is going on with her, to accept the OM exists, she has to go out of her way to torture me as well. What the F*#K has happened to my wife?? I can come to grips that my marriage is ending, but that isn't enough? I just get to a point where i'm feeling pretty good about myself and now this. I just want this to be over, one way or the other.

TOJAZ

[mark982]

why in the hell are you still answering her calls? do not answer phone,texts,e-mails,smoke signals,etc. all she's tring to do is slam you,so in her mind her actions are justified. go nc and stay there.

[tojaz]

Were working on the divorce settlement and she still has her things in the house. So I have to take her calls unfortunately. She had called today to "ask permission" to go into in the house. Of course she was calling from inside the house so what other point is there to call, then to torture me I guess, she enjoys it, I can hear it in her voice. I would love to NC, the only way i could get some peace, but court date is next week. I honestly don't care about NC, don't care about getting her back anymore. I just want the pain to stop. When ever I start to feel good, she finds some way to knock me back down. Somebody just shoot me!

TOJAZ

[TrustInYourself]

Your reactions of insecurity are just feeding her ego. Get a girlfriend, get a life, get some space and perspective.

 

Cheaters do this all the time. Its just a technique to manipulate who they cheat on. Its a way of them handling their own insecurity. The more insecure she feels about how you are handling things, which is very well, the more she will react like a bitch.

 

If she calls to torture you, react without emotion or response. You need to be Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Picard out.

[mark982]

change the locks,then she can't call from inside of it.when she calls wanting in,i'd have a buddy there w/ you,just to keep things on the up and up.

[seibert253]

Were working on the divorce settlement and she still has her things in the house. So I have to take her calls unfortunately. She had called today to "ask permission" to go into in the house. Of course she was calling from inside the house so what other point is there to call, then to torture me I guess, she enjoys it, I can hear it in her voice. I would love to NC, the only way i could get some peace, but court date is next week. I honestly don't care about NC, don't care about getting her back anymore. I just want the pain to stop. When ever I start to feel good, she finds some way to knock me back down. Somebody just shoot me!

TOJAZ

 

The pain will not begin to end until you end all contact with her. It will dull, then you'll have contact, and you're right back at square one. That's the way it works.

If she has stuff in the house, tell her she has a week to come get it, or your packing it, putting it in storage, and giving her the bill. Play time is over. Being nice, nice time is over. It's time to move on.

This is now about YOU, and doing what's right for YOU. Pizz on her and what anyone else thinks.

[tojaz]

Good advice guys, and I'm doing my best. I asked for my keys back and she complied (I felt like S**T afterwords). I've been trying to work on myself, doing things with others and getting healthy all around. For two weeks I would say I was almost happy. Now that this gets a little closer to reality, I'm worse off then I've ever been. I almost broke down crying at work, over a stupid song. I did lose it on the way home, just for driving past one of our favorite haunts. (I know, I'm pathetic) I'm doing my best to summon my inner Gunny and usually that works, but every once in awhile, something hits me like a ton of bricks, I don't know why, and I can't seem to shake it. I think I'm on the verge of a meltdown. While I'm determined not to let her get the best of me, I think I'm getting the best of myself

TOJAZ

[TrustInYourself]

Good advice guys, and I'm doing my best. I asked for my keys back and she complied (I felt like S**T afterwords). I've been trying to work on myself, doing things with others and getting healthy all around. For two weeks I would say I was almost happy. Now that this gets a little closer to reality, I'm worse off then I've ever been. I almost broke down crying at work, over a stupid song. I did lose it on the way home, just for driving past one of our favorite haunts. (I know, I'm pathetic) I'm doing my best to summon my inner Gunny and usually that works, but every once in awhile, something hits me like a ton of bricks, I don't know why, and I can't seem to shake it. I think I'm on the verge of a meltdown. While I'm determined not to let her get the best of me, I think I'm getting the best of myself

TOJAZ

 

You're not pathetic. That's normal. You have to go through the emotions and the pain. That's part of this whole game, so in some ways, you have to embrace those feelings and come to terms with them. It sucks, but it's nothing to feel bad about. We're human, bro. I think you're analysis is right on, because only you have the ability to take actions to clear your mind and soul. You are grieving, but keep moving with your changes.

[seibert253]

Good advice guys, and I'm doing my best. I asked for my keys back and she complied (I felt like S**T afterwords). I've been trying to work on myself, doing things with others and getting healthy all around. For two weeks I would say I was almost happy. Now that this gets a little closer to reality, I'm worse off then I've ever been. I almost broke down crying at work, over a stupid song. I did lose it on the way home, just for driving past one of our favorite haunts. (I know, I'm pathetic) I'm doing my best to summon my inner Gunny and usually that works, but every once in awhile, something hits me like a ton of bricks, I don't know why, and I can't seem to shake it. I think I'm on the verge of a meltdown. While I'm determined not to let her get the best of me, I think I'm getting the best of myself

TOJAZ

Sucks Tojaz. Ah the triggers. Man you'll be standing tall then, BAM, you're a bowl of jello. Been there, done that. All I can tell you is that over time it will get better. Time does heal all wounds. The only thing you can do to speed up the process is increase your time and distance from her. NC, LC, whatever it takes. If you don't have to communicate, don't.

[Gunny376]

You're going through the "Healing Fire"! A 'fire' which is tempering your very soul, healing you and making you stronger, better than you've ever been before in your life.

 

Pain? Pain is but weakness leaving the body. Pain is good! Its the ultimate teacher! The first time you stuck you finger into a flame and got burned? You learned! You learned not to do that again! The first time you got shocked? You learned to not repeat that mistake twice.

 

As I said you're being tempered? The next little gal that comes along is going to be so lucky to get you. She won't be getting a cheap imitation Samurai sword, but the best of the best! Sharpened, tempered, and honed to a razors edge.

 

Rather than avoid the pain, you should embrace it, make it your own, and view it for what it really is? Not what was?

 

But what is to become!

 

What you are to become!

 

The change is forwever!

[tojaz]

Thanks guys, I needed that. She wrote me an E-mail last night, says she wants to come get her stuff, guess thats that!

TOJAZ

[husbndinthemaking]

O.K., heres my story. Me and my wife are both 30, no kids. We have been together for 12 years, lived together for 10 and married for 2. (yeah, I've been lurking for awhile).

 

Our life together has been a dream for me, and I thought for her too. A little over a month ago, during a petty argument she turned to me and said "I don't want to be married anymore"! This threw me for a complete loop, as just a few hours before, she had told me how much she loved me, and everything was normal. Our life together had been strong in all respects up to this point, lots of affection and sex and such, right up until that moment. I had mentioned to her that i thought she was spending too much time working, and i was under a lot of stress outside the marriage and needed a little more support then usual, but tried to express that to her in a healthy manner.

 

We tried to talk about it, but she had a very hard time expressing herself. To the point of having panic attacks and such. I probably pushed too hard, but each painful conversation would reveal another piece of the puzzle. She felt trapped, like I had pressured her to be a June Cleaver type of house wife and that I had a controlling personality. When all this was out in the open, I took a real hard look at myself, unfortunately a lot of what she said was right. I did see a lot of controlling in my behavior, a lot more then i would have believed before it was pointed out. I suggested counseling and purchased some books on the subject.

 

While this was going on, i found out that she was spending time with an ex behind my back. I found some E-mails and texts also. While there was some flirting and some discussion about our relationship, I don't believe it was a full blown affair. It was definitely an emotional affair, even though she won't admit it. When i asked her to stop contacting him, she just went to greater lengths to hide it.

 

About a week before our counseling session, she moved to a motel to "get some space" she said that our conversations are just too hard on her. I will admit, that I wasn't able to give her the space she wanted. I just couldn't get the other guy out of my head. So I called her a few times and went to see her once. I know this was the wrong thing to do. When our counseling session finally came around, she called the counselor ahead of time and told her that she was unwilling to make it work and just sat through the whole session in silence. She later told me it was because she didn't want the counselor to change her mind.

 

She has been out of the house for over two weeks now, but we still communicate. or I should say I communicate. That is only been faced with anger or a twist of everything I say and being belittled because I'm willing to show emotion in our conversations. She's gone completely numb most of the time, like talking to a zombie. Some times, I can get through to her, and she lets down her defenses and for a while, my wife is back. At that point she usually retreats, and makes a phone call for some support. When she comes back, shes even more determined then before and all goes to square one.

 

I'm not sure what all she's going through, but to be sure there is major damage done. At times it's almost like she's willing to come back to me, but always finds some reason to get behind her position, she thinks I'll use the fact she came back to manipulate her in the future or dosen't think things can be better, it's all very frustrating.

 

I realize this is long, but am very eager to see what everybody else thinks. I haven't given up hope for reconciliation, but she has hired an attorney and plans to file. I have hired one just to protect myself incase things get nasty. Should I give up, or keep fighting to the last breath. If I should fight, what is my next move? Everything I do just seems to push her away.

 

Thanks for listening

TOJAZ

 

 

Sounds all to familar to me. I read a few good books and my wife and I have been happy ever since. Good luck to you.

[tojaz]

NC backfires!!! The STBX E-mailed me today about getting her stuff. She mentioned some of her goals and things she has been doing. I like her more! She had always been very passive during our relationship, never expressed many of her interests. A real turn off. Now that she is out doing it, she is even more of what I want. She NC'd ME!! She's doing all the things i wanted to do with her, and she blames me because she couldn't do them. I'm so lost right now. How can we be more compatable as she's leaving me.

TOJAZ

[mark982]

come on man, you go nc,except for e- mails,or texts. of course she's gonna tell you she's doing all these things,she wants to play w/ your head. get her thing out and forget about her,get busy being busy.

[tojaz]

No, I get that. It just bugs me that, for a long time I asked her to make her own decisions, share the things she wanted with me, share her goals etc. and she couldn't do it. She just went along with whatever I had going on, never really doing anything for herself. Then she divorces me because she felt she couldn't do these things. NOW, she's doing them without me, and I'm missing out. She became the woman I had wanted all along, by walking out on me! I guess it is messing with my head, but I get to a point where i don't really mind being alone all that much (although I still miss her) and find out she left to pursue things I already wanted for her. What the heck is that???

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

Stand by to stand by!

 

Because I'm about to get on you @ZZ like a pack of dogs on a sick, three leggged , coughing, hagging, cat!

 

The life your living!

 

Isn't for the XHEX!

 

The life your living?

 

Is for YOU!

 

I don't know where in tha' Hell you got it in your mind that this skirt was the best and only that you could do ~ but let me set you straight!

 

She's not! She's not the end all to end all!

 

Anything she's got to offer?

 

You can find just as much of, if not more of, just as better? If not good as?

 

Got It!

 

Don't forget it!

 

Now burn that into your brain-housing group!

 

And then get busy living your life!

 

Get busy loving your life!

 

Quitr wasting your life begging someone to love you that doesn't love you!

 

Quit waisting the best years of your life!

 

Quit wasting the youngest years of your Life!

 

Get your happy @zz busy living your life!

[Gunny376]

NEVER!

 

And I mean NEVER!

 

Ever beg someone permission to 'love them' :mad:

 

And sadly?

 

That's what many of us do?

[tojaz]

Gunny

I'm not begging anybodies permission to do anything. I love her, I don't need her permission for that. If I did, boards like this wouldn't exist it would just be sign on the dotted line. I've had plenty of "skirts" in my life and when the big D comes to an end, and I'm ready there will be plenty more I'm sure, but I.m not looking for conquest or for what they can provide. Thats easy to find and plentiful. Thats not why I got married, thats not why I chose her. I wanted to share my life, not with a woman, not with anybody in a skirt, with HER.

 

I appreciate your advice, and it has helped me a lot. I am living my own life, I am prepared to move on without her. I'll be fine without her, find happiness and be strong eventually. Being strong and moving forward is a great message, it is really what I needed to hear when this first hit and even now that part of the message rings clear as a bell, but trivializing my marriage and what my wife means to me, will not help anything. At the end of next month, everything will be final and that will be the end. Until then, shes my wife, not a hex or a skirt or anything like that. I don't say that because I'm holding on to hopes and dreams but because Thats the man I want to be! Thats the husband I wanted to be for her. Thats how I want my life to go FOR ME.

 

You do a lot of good here, alot of your advice has really hit home to me and many others. I'm on here everyday, there isn't a single poster that dosen't know about GUNNY. I'll take your advice, accept your support, and do my best to take on your strength, but I love my wife for the right reasons, I married her for the right reasons, and thats the way I need to remember our relationship. When all is said and done, with everything that has happened, and even when I move on I'll believe that. I don't see that as weakness. Just a part of my life that is ending and I will miss. I'll bet there are a lot of folks who feel the same way.

 

Keep up the good work Gunny, sorry for the rant, most of your views are welll appreciated.

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Gunny, sorry for that last post man. Everybody I've been talking to has had the view point of F@#K Her, and just forget the B!&H, shes a slut etc. I know where your intention was now that i read it again, and you meant nothing like the other things I've been hearing. just in a little fed up with all that I guess. Maybe Just in a bad mood this morning. It's hard to hear language like that describing my wife. Especialy since I feel for what she is going through. My first instinct is still to care for her I guess. It's going to take some time for that to fade.

To be honest, my OP dosen't really do justice to what is going on, now that I can look at things with a clearer head, things are a lot more involved on her end. I'll probably start a new thread to clear it up a little more at some point. Put some fresh eyes on it.

So, sorry Gunny, you still rock in my book:D No hard feelings?

Tojaz

[Gunny376]

I meant no disrespect to you, your wife, your marriage, your love for one another, and I offended you ~ I sincerely apologize.

 

Too many waste too precious time mourning the lost of a love, rather it be by death or divorce.

 

Queen Victoria mourned Prince Albert for thirty years!

 

Some crawl up inside ourselves and become a shell of the person we once were? Never to recover.

 

Some crawl up in a bottle, never to crawl back out.

 

Your post shows great character in the person you are.

[Gunny376]

Your post shows great character in the person you are.

 

And I mean that! Really!

 

I lived in Japan for four years, and I really appreciate the culture and such.

 

 

Words such as "Honor" ~ "Devotion" mean something!

 

As they do to you!

 

If I've offended you?

 

I apoligize!

 

Something Marine Gunny's seldom do!

 

Your the fourth on the "list" in and of my life!

[Gunny376]

Gunny

I'm not begging anybodies permission to do anything. I love her, I don't need her permission for that. If I did, boards like this wouldn't exist it would just be sign on the dotted line. I've had plenty of "skirts" in my life and when the big D comes to an end, and I'm ready there will be plenty more I'm sure, but I.m not looking for conquest or for what they can provide. Thats easy to find and plentiful. Thats not why I got married, thats not why I chose her. I wanted to share my life, not with a woman, not with anybody in a skirt, with HER.

 

I appreciate your advice, and it has helped me a lot. I am living my own life, I am prepared to move on without her. I'll be fine without her, find happiness and be strong eventually. Being strong and moving forward is a great message, it is really what I needed to hear when this first hit and even now that part of the message rings clear as a bell, but trivializing my marriage and what my wife means to me, will not help anything. At the end of next month, everything will be final and that will be the end. Until then, shes my wife, not a hex or a skirt or anything like that. I don't say that because I'm holding on to hopes and dreams but because Thats the man I want to be! Thats the husband I wanted to be for her. Thats how I want my life to go FOR ME.

 

You do a lot of good here, alot of your advice has really hit home to me and many others. I'm on here everyday, there isn't a single poster that dosen't know about GUNNY. I'll take your advice, accept your support, and do my best to take on your strength, but I love my wife for the right reasons, I married her for the right reasons, and thats the way I need to remember our relationship. When all is said and done, with everything that has happened, and even when I move on I'll believe that. I don't see that as weakness. Just a part of my life that is ending and I will miss. I'll bet there are a lot of folks who feel the same way.

 

Keep up the good work Gunny, sorry for the rant, most of your views are welll appreciated.

TOJAZ

 

Rant Away! Vent your ANGER!

 

I was married for TEWELVE freaking years!

 

Did twenty years in the Marines!

 

What can you do to me?

 

Take away my birthday?

 

Shave my head and make me join the Marines?

[tojaz]

And I mean that! Really!

 

I lived in Japan for four years, and I really appreciate the culture and such.

 

 

Words such as "Honor" ~ "Devotion" mean something!

 

As they do to you!

 

If I've offended you?

 

I apoligize!

 

Something Marine Gunny's seldom do!

 

Your the fourth on the "list" in and of my life!

 

Thanks Gunny, that means a lot. It really does.

I'm going to start a new thread with this story, but in a nutshell, my wife lost herself in the marriage, concentrated on being a wife rather then being who she wants to be. Something I had not failed to notice over the years. She Wasn't living her life for her but for me or at least what she thought I wanted. Now that she is doing that, I remember why I fell in love in the first place, thats what makes it so hard. I can respect what it is she is trying to recapture for herself, I just don't get why I can't be part of it. I'll post more after work. Thanks for listening everybody.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Tojaz, I believe marriage is a partnership, when you enter into a marriage with someone the very essence of that union is that you are no longer just you, you become "us". Although it's important for each partner to retain what makes them them, marriage involves compromise, on both sides. A marriage can't function if one person is selfish, if they don't respect or consider the other person, it should be "you and I against the world", not "me against you". If your wife lost herself in your marriage, then she allowed that to happen. You tried to resolve things, you tried to talk to her, she did not respond back. You did everything you could to make it work. Like Gunny said to me, it takes two to make a marriage work and only one to break it.

 

Have faith in yourself that YOU tried. YOU cannot be responsible for another persons actions, or how they CHOOSE to deal with problems in the relationship.

[Gunny376]

Tojaz, I believe marriage is a partnership, when you enter into a marriage with someone the very essence of that union is that you are no longer just you, you become "us". Although it's important for each partner to retain what makes them them, marriage involves compromise, on both sides. A marriage can't function if one person is selfish, if they don't respect or consider the other person, it should be "you and I against the world", not "me against you". If your wife lost herself in your marriage, then she allowed that to happen. You tried to resolve things, you tried to talk to her, she did not respond back. You did everything you could to make it work. Like Gunny said to me, it takes two to make a marriage work and only one to break it.

 

Have faith in yourself that YOU tried. YOU cannot be responsible for another persons actions, or how they CHOOSE to deal with problems in the relationship.

 

Marry me!