Back again

[wising_up]

Well it has been two years since I was on these boards and now I'm back again. I don't know if I am just being stupid, but I got such great advice from this place before that I thought I would try again. Maybe it would have been better had I followed some of that original advice.

 

To provide some background, here is the link to my previous posts.

 

The story told above concluded when my wife and I decided to give things another go. Things went well for a while and we had a beautiful baby boy (perhaps our biggest mistake). We are going through a really rough patch at the moment and I don't know if I can handle it.

 

About six months ago we moved away from the big city we lived in when I last posted to a medium-sized city much closer to her family (about an hour-and-a-half away). She really wanted to move to the town where her parents live, but it is small town and I hate the idea of moving to a small town at this time in my live. I like the vibrancy and amenities of a city. What's more, her family would be the only people we know and as much as I like them, I really didn't like the idea of them being our only social contacts. Also, despite the fact that she said this wouldn't be the case, I am sure they would expect us to visit often, especially with the baby.

 

We have been renting in the city we now live in and are currently looking for a house. We looked for houses in this city and nearly bought a townhouse she was really excited about. We pulled out, though, because there were some things about it that we were not convinced of. Recently she found a house in the town where her parents lived and we both thought it was nice. I was initially tempted but I still don't want to live in that small town. She is really keen on it, however, and when she gets an idea in her head, she doesn't like to consider alternatives. She wants to put an offer in because she is afraid of loosing this house and thinks it would be a good investment because of the land it comes with. However, she knows that I really dont want to live in this town, which also isn't convenient for work. She would have to drive me to the airport in our current city once a month so that I could make business trips. That drive is fine now but the road can be bad in the winter. Also, the house is pushing our budget. She is on maternity leave for the next three or four months but is trying to convince me that she will definitely get a job when that is over and therefore we will have no trouble affording the house. I don't feel comfortable with the risk. She is supposed to meet with someone to discuss job prospects in the town and the larger centres nearby, but she hasn't had a chance yet.

 

The real problem is that I think she is being impatient and impulsive. These are, by her own admission, characteristics of hers and they have underlain fights between us before. I just don't think I can be bothered to tackle them anymore. Also, she seems to be unable or unwilling to live more than five minutes drive from her family and I find the idea of being tied to them stiffling. Finally, she is likely to get moody if I say I don't want this house and I think she will resent me, so I feel like I have to say yes.

 

Tell me to shape up, please.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't know, on the surface this stuff doesn't seem that serious. Is she threatening to move to her parents' town with or without you?

 

Here's what I suspect, and pay me no attention if I'm off-base: I read your previous thread, and her talk about wanting to get together with somebody else. She may be over that, but I'm wondering if you are. Is it possible that this has been festering inside you and your resentment is either surfacing on its own or being triggered by her desire to move?

[wising_up]

I don't know, on the surface this stuff doesn't seem that serious. Is she threatening to move to her parents' town with or without you?

 

Here's what I suspect, and pay me no attention if I'm off-base: I read your previous thread, and her talk about wanting to get together with somebody else. She may be over that, but I'm wondering if you are. Is it possible that this has been festering inside you and your resentment is either surfacing on its own or being triggered by her desire to move?

 

I appreciate the suggestion, but I am not conscious of any such resentment. Her claim from that time that we are "not compatible" does ring in my ears, though. Maybe I am just making a mountain out of a molehill but I wish she would be patient enough to secure a job or examine alternatives. For instance, there is another small city about half way between where we currently live and where her family lives. It has good amenities and would be equidistant between her family and the friends we have where we are now, plus it is only 20 minutes from the airport. Places are also cheaper there. Yet she seems stuck on this house we have seen (just like she was with that townhouse in our current city just a few weeks ago).

[TrustInYourself]

I am struggling with this as well.

[wising_up]

I am struggling with this as well.

 

Thanks for the reply. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only person in this dilemma.

 

My wife brought up the idea of buying the house this morning (last week she really wanted to develop a building in the town with her dad and have us move into that). I said that I wanted to think about it. She obviously saw that I was stressed about the idea because when I came back from my morning shower she had stuck a load of post-it notes on my computer saying things like "Mummy loves Daddy" and "I love you" and with hearts and stuff. She was also blowing kisses at me trying to make me feel better. That made me feel a bit annoyed because it seemed trite. Then, when she came back from a trip to town she came bounding in all excited and said, "Well are we going to put an offer in, then?" I just said that I still wanted to think about it.

[Nomad1]

Wise up! I was in your shoes nearly 3 years ago. I was persuaded to buy a large house. We got divorced a year after buying it. Two years after the split, the house is still not selling. Red flags are: her interest in other men! That doesn't just go away my man. Her impetuousness, impulsiveness...she is a risk taker! She also sounds selfish and manipulative. If you are hesitating, then there must be good reasons. Don't allow her to manipulate you. Put your foot down. Ask her to buy it and put it in her sole name. Look after yourself man.

 

Nomad1

[mark982]

your guts telling you something for a reason,listen to it.

[wising_up]

your guts telling you something for a reason,listen to it.

 

I hear you and I thank you for the advice. I tell myself the same, but then I also wonder if I am making a big deal out of nothing.

 

At the end of the day I will have to explain why I don't want to take the house on a personal level and why I think it is a bad idea otherwise. She is probably going to be disappointed and may blame me if we don't go through with it, but I will know that I put my point of view. If she still insists, I guess I will have to go along with it, because I have to try everything to make my family work.

[Gunny376]

I agree with the wife!

 

I agree that you should become a supplicating, weak-minded, simple minded individiual who is completely willing to put your finacial future of your wife, yourself, and family at risk!

 

All for the sake of your wife's happiness, well being, contentment, and whim of the minute wants and needs!

 

Put your life at risk driving and commutting thorugh four inches of snow drifts that communities require before they begin shoveling them because of budget cuts!

 

WTF you've got life insurance with New York Life! Right!

 

All that matters is if the wife is happy!

 

You want a "Happy Life ~ Keep A Happy Wife!"

 

"Mama ain't happy? Ain't no one happy!"

 

Better to die on standing than to die on your knees!

[Jonesey]

DON'T DO IT!!!!

 

I almost signed for a brand new 450K house in Feb of this year...I had the deposit down and everything and then my gut reached up and slapped me, thank god. I backed out of the deal and convinced my wife that we need to wait a little longer....

 

Well, April 5th she left me for another man..... for the second time in one year.

 

She is setting you up dude. She will have a home where she wants it, her family is close and you are lugging the expense of it. Once she gets these things, you will be out of there and she will have a very nice scenario to get you out of her life......

[mammax3]

The way you've described it makes me wary, too.

 

I'm big on openness and honesty - is there a way you can bring this up with her and describe your hesitations, without laying blame or sounding threatening? Just that you're not keen on living in a small city without a guaranteed second income to support the high cost of the mortgage and children don't get cheaper as they get older it would be essentially taking money away from your son.

 

Your comment of having to try everything to make it work for your family doesn't sit well with me. Resentment festers and builds and leaks into all areas of life - whether that's your resentment or your wife's.

 

Big decisions like buying houses and having babies needs to be made by both partners, not one person pressuring the other.

 

Good luck!

[TrustInYourself]

Tell her how you feel and fight for what you believe in. If she truly loves you, she will respect your feelings, rather than try and use gestures of love to manipulate you into doing what she wants. This is not 3rd grade.

[wising_up]

So I told her that I didn't want to put an offer in on the house on the weekend and we had a really BIG fight about it. I was almost ready to walk away at that point. I think if we didn't have a son, I would be gone already.

 

I our big fight, I asked her why she needed to be so close to her family and whether she was expecting to see them every day. "No," she said, "But maybe every other day." Now I am starting to feel like just an add on to her existing family and that somehow she wants us to be subsumed into one big family.

 

Now she is on about us buying into a piece of land with her dad and building something on it that we can live in or rent out in the their small town. If we decided to rent it out, we would look into renting something in the city we are living in now or the other medium-sized city nearby. "Oh, we'll have no trouble finding somewhere," she said (just like it would be no trouble driving me to the airport in winter, or her driving to work everyday in the winter). Trouble is, I don't see much available to rent in either place.

 

The provisional plan for the building would be to build apartments on the top floor and these would be about 1000 square feet. I don't think a 1000 sq ft apartment with no yard is the best place to raise two kids (she wants another child in a year or so). I also fear that we would be sucked into spending a lot of time with her family and not having enough of our own time (recall that she expects to be seeing them every other evening, presumably after she has worked all day ).

 

It has become very stressful talking about this stuff because it always seems to descend into a fight. She doesn't seem to want to hear about obstacles to her plan or consider living anywhere else but this small town. I keep wondering if I am just being narrow minded and short-sighted and that I should just be there for my son, wherever 'there' is. Nonetheless, I feel like I am under a lot of pressure and there is no way to relieve it (except writing here ).

[TrustInYourself]

So I told her that I didn't want to put an offer in on the house on the weekend and we had a really BIG fight about it. I was almost ready to walk away at that point. I think if we didn't have a son, I would be gone already.

 

I our big fight, I asked her why she needed to be so close to her family and whether she was expecting to see them every day. "No," she said, "But maybe every other day." Now I am starting to feel like just an add on to her existing family and that somehow she wants us to be subsumed into one big family.

 

Now she is on about us buying into a piece of land with her dad and building something on it that we can live in or rent out in the their small town. If we decided to rent it out, we would look into renting something in the city we are living in now or the other medium-sized city nearby. "Oh, we'll have no trouble finding somewhere," she said (just like it would be no trouble driving me to the airport in winter, or her driving to work everyday in the winter). Trouble is, I don't see much available to rent in either place.

 

The provisional plan for the building would be to build apartments on the top floor and these would be about 1000 square feet. I don't think a 1000 sq ft apartment with no yard is the best place to raise two kids (she wants another child in a year or so). I also fear that we would be sucked into spending a lot of time with her family and not having enough of our own time (recall that she expects to be seeing them every other evening, presumably after she has worked all day ).

 

It has become very stressful talking about this stuff because it always seems to descend into a fight. She doesn't seem to want to hear about obstacles to her plan or consider living anywhere else but this small town. I keep wondering if I am just being narrow minded and short-sighted and that I should just be there for my son, wherever 'there' is. Nonetheless, I feel like I am under a lot of pressure and there is no way to relieve it (except writing here ).

 

You may just be arguing because you feel stressed or pressured to move near her family. It may have very little to do with the actual situation, obstacles, planning, buying the house, or even building a house.

 

The solution is to figure out a way to communicate those feelings effectively. Very few people know how to communicate, listen, and even argue their points, without coming to a successful conclusion/solution.

 

Find the answer, man. Find the answer that makes you both happy. That's the key and sometimes it's not easy. You have to wade through all those emotions to truly find out what makes you both happy with your choice to live together. It's possible. Read up on relationship communications. The answer is out there! Best of luck.