Giving up in time...or too soon

[SilentWolf]

I am 22 years old and have been married to an alocholic for over a year and half (together for 2 1/2 years). In truth we should have never gotten married. From the begining he was abusive and of course used the excuse that "I did it too" (meaning I hit him back, and damn right I did - every time). He hasn't "put hands" on me in well over a year but the alcohol problem is out of control to the point where it has literally cost me almost everything. I lost 3 jobs, two apartments, and owe 2 different colleges tuition for classes which I had to drop out of (while getting straight A's) and almost every posession because of the decisions this man makes when he is drunk. I am currently 38 weeks pregnant with our child, and left him in another state 6 months ago. He followed me back and is currently running every oh poor me I promise I am changing sob story in the book to try and get me back. His guilt trip always starts with the fact that I used to have a drinking problem too and that he believes I'm "tri-polar" (there is no such thing of course, but many people have suggested I get evaluated for manic depression or bi-polar disorder). I admit that I did drink excessively at times, more so when he would go on binges not so much to keep up as to keep myself numb to the depressing hole I seemed to be stuck in with him. We have had multiple incidents where I have left him, and he has made promises to stop the drinking, get a job, and be a supportive husband. Everytime he keeps one part of the deal (the not drinking) for anywhere from 1 week - 1 month and then starts sneaking alochol, lying about it and being verbally abusive. I never provide enough, am supportive enough, or care/understand enough about his situation let him tell it. Bottom line is I am tired of trying to love someone who seems to be nothing but a negative force in my life. He knows that I have to leave my mothers house shortly after I have our son, and is harrassing me left and right about moving in together again. I am scared to death of that. The cycle is so predictable and so destructive that I don't for one minute trust the safety of myself or my soon to be born child in a household with someone this far gone. He recently had to do 2 months in the county jail for a domestic abuse case that I started against him before we got married and in that time even the healthcare professionals have made statements regarding his alocholism. Apparently his body is so used to having alcohol that without it his digestive system is having problems functioning. Before leaving the previous state we lived in I received a call from the hospital that his BAC was at a 4.2 and it was a "miracle that he was still walking and talking & hadn't had a stroke". He can't even remember these incidents. I feel so wrong for "abandoning" him but I feel that for the sake of my son I need to leave now before anything irreversible happens. I will never be able to live with myself if something happens to my son while I am at work or wherever because I can not trust him to stay sober. Am I wrong for not continuing to "show support" and requesting my divorce papers? Can anyone who has been in a similar situation relate and tell me their story (positive or negative) and tell me what they would do differently? Thanks

[mark982]

it happened to me, except i was the drunk.the only thing i did correctly was i NEVER missed a day of work,and i was always employed.the best thing you can do is find a way to live alone or w/ a friend,anything BUT with him. all he's going to do is drag you further down.you seemed to do well in school,find a way to go back.you have alot of bright spots in your future don't let anyone ruin them.

[sugarmomma]

Him___I would give himthe ultimatum to go inpatient long term treatment or else lose his family. He needs to become educated about alcoholism. I assume he is young also and he has a good chance to get his life back.

 

 

You____ Hopefully you are not drinking while pregnant. Also you need to go to alanon and do as much research as you can about alcoholism and codependency.

 

also get counseling for the abuse. Learn and educate yourself about the cycle of abuse andtry to get to the bottom of your own abuse issues (why are you with someone that abuses you?)

 

You will not make it work if you take him back while he is actively drinking. He needs to dry out in a treatment center.

 

Your baby deserves a chance at a good foundation and you have a responsibility to provide it.

[SilentWolf]

I haven't had a single drop since the day I found out I was pregnant (the day I missed my period and took the test). I have actually suggested inpatient treatment and even got the state to provide it at no cost to him (amazing because most places will not take someone without insurance). He went for 8 days and decided that he did "not need it". I think it comes down to the simple fact that he will not admit the problem is real let alone face it. As for the codependency I did read up on it and unfortunately I am most definately his enabler and let myself feel extremely guilty when not being "supportive" of him. You are right sugarmomma I think that I do need to get to the root of my own problem with these relationships because my ex was extremely physically and emotionally abusive and the only reason I found the strength to leave him was because I found out he was cheating on me (he was also an alcoholic). I'm over the top frustrated with the whole situation and for letting myself get into this mess (again). He's on his rollercoaster right now trying to make me feel like I have abandoned him and am doing this all just to hurt him. Its not about him and me anymore though, it is about this child and the simple truth is that I can't provide a stable loving environment with him around because even when he admits there is a problem it is only long enough to suck me back in until he is comfortable then it starts all over again.

[mark982]

silentwolf,nice to see that you do have the correct insight into this.since you have the answers(somewhat) follow up on them.just keep the bum at bay.drunks make alot of promises,but keeping them is another thing.the best thing you can do is look after #1 right now,and that's your baby.

[bean1]

.42... that's shocking. Few people would live through that, a true sign of alcoholism. You can't help someone until they choose to help themselves. Please do what is right for your children and let him heal himself, only then should he be allowed to come back into your life. I wish my mother had done the same!