Should I stop telling my partner about my past?

[SilentWolf]

I always thought the right thing to do was be open and honest with my partner. Being open and honest with my husband may be hurting me more than healing.

 

I was raped when I was 13 by a friend (well he was a friend until that happened). When I started to become serious with my now husband he questioned me a lot about past experiences. I felt that was the best time to let him know that I had been raped. In the course of our relationship he keeps going back to that and asking for details. Of course at first I didn't want to give any, but I trusted him and told him the truth which was pretty simple. I was 13, the guy was a friend who I thought was cute and thought it was ok to do what kids do...make out. The guy was a few years older than me and didn't want to stop with just kissing and ended up raping me (by force, and yes i did try to "fight back"). My husband is an alcoholic and in the middle of one of his drunken fits told me that " i deserved it, i led the guy on, and i have no right to claim i was raped ".

 

This is confusing to me because my other confession to my husband was about my first "boyfriend". 2 years after the rape I decided that I would not be the type of person who let it haunt them forever, but that my next partner would be on MY terms. So I actively pursued an older man. He was 30 and I was 15. We had a great relationship, he was always very gentle with me and never did anything I said no to. I eventually left him because I felt that he couldn't give me the time and attention I needed. To this day my husbands voice shakes when he says the guy's name and calls him a child molestor and says he'd like nothing more than to personally strangle the man. Granted I will admit that in retrospect the age gap (and my age at the time) was very inappropriate and I would NOT be ok if it were my daughter/son/whoever really.

 

So admittedly I was kind of screwed up (probably still am ) but I am now afraid to talk with my husband about anything else from my past because of his accusations and hurtful words in the one case, and just flat out refusing to hear my side in the other.

 

As you might imagine I am already a bit unstable and in both cases so far that I have tried to seek understanding and support from him it backfired severely. Should I just keep the rest of my skeletons where they are hiding or are there some key phrases or ideas to exposing hurtful things from my past that will make him want to be more supportive and less judgemental?

[boldjack]

Your husband sound like he is easily upset and a bit obsessive. You should always be honest but you don't have to tell him anything unless he asks you direct questions. Before you tell him past secrets, make sure that he understands that he is the one who asked for it, and you are being an honest wife , by telling him.

[amaysngrace]

I was raped when I was 13 by a friend (well he was a friend until that happened).

 

When I started to become serious with my now husband he questioned me a lot about past experiences.

 

My husband is an alcoholic and in the middle of one of his drunken fits told me that " i deserved it, i led the guy on, and i have no right to claim i was raped ".

 

I decided that I would not be the type of person who let it haunt them forever, but that my next partner would be on MY terms.

 

To this day my husbands voice shakes when he says the guy's name and calls him a child molestor and says he'd like nothing more than to personally strangle the man.

 

Should I just keep the rest of my skeletons where they are hiding or are there some key phrases or ideas to exposing hurtful things from my past that will make him want to be more supportive and less judgemental?

 

First off I'm sorry that this happened to you. I understand your need to get back that power. Whatever you did you did and you were young when you decided to do it.

 

Have you received any counseling for the rape?

 

I don't think there is anything you can say to him that will make him remember to respect you when he starts drinking. It seems when he drinks all his anger comes out and he can get mean. What he says to you is mean.

 

So I think the best course of action is to tell him you don't want to reveal any more of your past until he gets himself sober. Because when he drinks he uses it against you and that's not a risk you're willing to take.

[SilentWolf]

Thanks guys I think you are both right. amaysngrace - no I haven't had any formal counseling (yet), im sure one day when I can afford it this will be one of many deep seeded issues I discuss with a therapist. It took me a long time to confess that it ever happened and unfortunately my husband is the first person I trusted with that information and he completely undermined any healing that I had accomplished by his harsh accusations while drunk. And yes, the drinking is a huge issue, it goes a lot deeper than harsh words but we'll save those stories for other posts. thanks