feelinghispain Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 I have been involved with a married man going on three years. He told me from the start, and at that point in my life, it didn't matter...I had many personal issues. I know others will say he is a liar, he does not love me, etc. I do not want him to leave his wife for me. I decided to end it & I have. I've tried to end it before, but he truly is a very beautiful person inside. I know how contadictory it sounds, but I know that he has been my best friend, my confidant, and a wonderful person. I realize that I have to move on and I feel that I am ready. The problem is that he is not. I have only taken two calls because I understand that he needs closure. I feel his anguish, and I really feel his pain...it makes my heart ache for him. But I am still set in my decision. Please tell me how I can make this less painful for him...if it is poosible. A man's perspective would be much appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Well, this is certainly a switch! First of all, congratulations on getting rid of him. You're definitely doing the right thing. Second of all, he will survive. He still has a wife (and children?) to comfort him. He won't be alone on holidays and weekends like you've more than likely been all this time. Time and distance will heal you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelinghispain Posted October 27, 2003 Author Share Posted October 27, 2003 Our last & final conversation, he said he was leaving his wife...I told him not to on my account. He is a very sensitive person, and I think he may become clinically depressed. I know he is an adult and that I am not responsible for his actions...but I still feel very badly that I have caused him this anguish. It is not easy to hear a grown man unravel. And he has been there for me countless times helping me pick up my shattered pieces. I know he will call again, and I do love him very much...but I am committed to end this because no good will come of it in the end. What can I say to him without completely crushing him that will make him realize it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Your continued communication with him isn't helping him whatsoever, even though you may believe it is. You need to be blunt and to the point. Tell him that you're ending the affair, you wish him the best, but please do not contact you in any way. Tell him you both need time to heal and seeing or talking to each other is only going to prolong the healing. You aren't responsible for his actions or his feelings.........he is. Do the right thing for yourself, him and his wife and get as far away from him as possible. If you want to help him, that's how you do it. If all you want to do is "comfort" him, you may as well stay in the affair and wait until he dumps you. I bet when that happens he won't be wondering how he can console you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelinghispain Posted October 27, 2003 Author Share Posted October 27, 2003 You don't have to attack. I have told him that he cannot contact me anymore, no e-mails, no phone calls, etc. And I have told him in plain terms that we are done. But I know him. I don't have to turn into queen bitch and destroy him. He is a fragile person, and does not deserve to be treated like dirt. I believe you should treat others as you want to be treated...with respect and dignity. Let's not try to be judgemental of one another. EVERYONE has gone through a situation(s) in their life that they aren't necessarily proud of. Link to post Share on other sites
inifinity247 Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 I agree... "fancy" didn't have to attack. It's so very easy to be insensitive when one isn't in the situation. As for you my dear, I don't know the best way you can reduce the amount of pain that either of you will feel (because it's not as if he's the only one who will be hurting.) Despite what other people might say, you know that you owe this man the utmost respect while you separate from him. He has helped you to grow and he has been such an inspiration in life. He has taught you what love is really all about. So, I don't blame you for being so concerned about how he's going to handle the end of this incredibly moving chapter in life that you and he wrote together. Perhaps you can agree to not contact each other for a week... and then for a month... and then for a year. Something gradual. The only way this will work is that when you do reconnect, the conversation/contact must be kept at a minimum. For instance, you can send him a simple friendly card once a month or something like that. Anything more will just re-ignite feelings... I wish you the very best. I commend your move and I hope you did this at the right time. You can now look forward to meeting your very own available man who will appreciate you all the more for what you have learned about love. [color=darkblue][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 You know the feelings he will have; that he's not good enough, that you never loved him, etc. You could write him a letter explaining how much you cared, why you must split, and thanking him for everything he gave you. There's a great book called 'How to Survive the Loss of a Love'. It appears to be online intact. Suggest it to him. http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelinghispain Posted October 27, 2003 Author Share Posted October 27, 2003 The timing would've never been right, but it had to be done. I appreciate your compassion, and you are right...we will both be hurting for a while. And I have told him that it is absolutely over, there is no chance of a reconciliation. It's only been three days and I think it finally hit him today. I have been keeping my emotions under control and keeping busy. You can only avoid so many calls before you have to deal with the issue...and I know he will call again. Do I just continue to ignore those calls and e-mails? There is no closure in that. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 I'm sorry you felt I was "attacking" you. You came asking for a perspective and I offered mine. I wasn't judging you at all. It seems when you don't get the response you want, you say it's an attack. No worries; I'll just move on to topics where people can handle the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelinghispain Posted October 27, 2003 Author Share Posted October 27, 2003 Thank you for your responses (Infinity & Moimeme). I am considering sending him the link to the book you've suggested...I want to take a look at it first just so I know what I'm recommending. Thank you both for helping me handle this as well as it possibly can be. Link to post Share on other sites
inifinity247 Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 "Do I just continue to ignore those calls and e-mails? There is no closure in that." As much as it would hurt, I say yes... you must continue to ingore his calls and emails. If you begin to feel weak, you can think of the following strengths you currently have: 1. You have the upper hand in this break-up since you initiated it. If he had done it, you would have been completely crushed and he would already have someone to turn to (his wife) while you don't. So, you can be grateful that you have not opened yourself to this sort of pain. 2. Once he sees that you are not returning his calls, he will understand how much stronger you are. And whether or not he will be proud of you, you should be proud of you. During the past three years, he gave you all he could give you and you did the same for him but now your lives must continue to go their separate ways. Despite what other people may think, you two were placed together for a reason. You have learned so much! You will feel so much stronger if you don't give in. Like I said before, if it means that much to you, send him a post card everynow and then just to let him know that you haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Please continue to be strong. Make way for the new love in your life. He's probably waiting.... Link to post Share on other sites
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