Flipping Boyfriend!

[Advice Seeker]

I need some advice...I have been dating a great guy for almost a year casually. We have been serious since October. We met on the internet, and we have taken things slowly, we see each other about every other weekend, sometimes maybe only once a month, and talk on the phone numerous times a day, not counting email! We have grown very close, have talked of marriage, kids, and even him moving here at the end of the year. We both know that if one doesn't move the relationship can not withstand. We both are so in love...but suddenly distance is getting to him more than ever.

 

It all started when I mentioned that it bothered me when he asked on an emotional day for me. I was honest and said yes, but I can't see ending our relationship because we have distance factors. I love this man, and he's what I want. Lately, after that talk, he can't seem to let it rest, and has confessed that the distance thing is REALLY getting to him. He says he doesn't know if he can go on, that love is not supposed to hurt, and he feels he's hurting me, because of my emotional days. He also says he has lots going on in his career and that he is confused. After all his pleading to move up at the end of the year, he suddenly at the prospect of some good jobs, no longer feels he would be able to move to be with me if he got them.

 

All of this was rather sudden...he has handled the distance thing so well up until now, and all of a sudden cracked! I understand his problems w/ the distance thing, I suffer it too, but I look forward and work towards the day to be with him. Im willing to go thru this little hurt now for what can be a reward down the road. He's taking time away from me now to clear his head and see what he really wants since he's under so much stress.

 

Does anyone out there have any ideas what really could be going on here? How is the best way for me to handle this? He has been known in the past to get stressed about things in his life and run off....I don't want him to do anything he/we will regret. I have told him once it's over, that's that. I don't believe in trying to rekindle relationships that once ended, they just seem to never work out, if not the first go around. Any advice will be appreciated.

[hassan]

well! if you wnat him that bad go and tell him. I get stressed to pretty fast when ppl wont stop bugging me bout a thing. No matter how far you guys are it should not matter your partners and your love should stay strong. sorry i will try to get more advice

I need some advice...I have been dating a great guy for almost a year casually. We have been serious since October. We met on the internet, and we have taken things slowly, we see each other about every other weekend, sometimes maybe only once a month, and talk on the phone numerous times a day, not counting email! We have grown very close, have talked of marriage, kids, and even him moving here at the end of the year. We both know that if one doesn't move the relationship can not withstand. We both are so in love...but suddenly distance is getting to him more than ever. It all started when I mentioned that it bothered me when he asked on an emotional day for me. I was honest and said yes, but I can't see ending our relationship because we have distance factors. I love this man, and he's what I want. Lately, after that talk, he can't seem to let it rest, and has confessed that the distance thing is REALLY getting to him. He says he doesn't know if he can go on, that love is not supposed to hurt, and he feels he's hurting me, because of my emotional days. He also says he has lots going on in his career and that he is confused. After all his pleading to move up at the end of the year, he suddenly at the prospect of some good jobs, no longer feels he would be able to move to be with me if he got them. All of this was rather sudden...he has handled the distance thing so well up until now, and all of a sudden cracked! I understand his problems w/ the distance thing, I suffer it too, but I look forward and work towards the day to be with him. Im willing to go thru this little hurt now for what can be a reward down the road. He's taking time away from me now to clear his head and see what he really wants since he's under so much stress. Does anyone out there have any ideas what really could be going on here? How is the best way for me to handle this? He has been known in the past to get stressed about things in his life and run off....I don't want him to do anything he/we will regret. I have told him once it's over, that's that. I don't believe in trying to rekindle relationships that once ended, they just seem to never work out, if not the first go around. Any advice will be appreciated.

[Tony T]

What could be going on, uh? He could have found someone in his geographical area that he may be interested in persuing. He could have been reconsidering all the ramifications of a move and how it would affect his career. In a relationship where there is only intermittent physical contact, the imagination and hope can carry it only so far...different lengths of time for different people. Perhaps he has reached his limit.

 

Long distance relationships just aren't practical in most cases. With the Internet, there have been some very successful affairs, relationships, marriages, etc. But there seems to be inherent in online situations the tendency of impermanency because of their long distance nature. It seems yours has gone along better than a lot of them.

 

People don't tell you they need space to get their act together or see what their feelings are. If you love somebody, you don't ask for space. If this guy has asked for time to see how he feels, literally translated he is telling you he is no longer satisfied with the relationship.

 

What you really need to do is plan a trip to see him this weekend and talk this out...I mean WAY out!!! Get settled on all the issues. That is, if he will see you.

 

If this guy runs off every time he gets stressed about something, I don't think you would want that in your life. Your love for a guy like that would dwindle rapidly.

 

You have to do a lot of thinking here and see if really this is something you want to work on.

 

You are right, rekindled relationships never seem to work out because the dynamics that ended it sort of remain there. That's why your heart to heart, in person talk with him will be so very important. If he says NO to a talk or avoids critical issues during your IN PERSON conversation, DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY.

[D.]

You ask, "Does anyone out there have any ideas what really could be going on here?" YEP! It is all within your very letter. Let me show you

 

You mentioned:"It all started when I mentioned that it bothered me when he asked on an emotional day for me. I was honest and said yes, but I can't see ending our relationship because we have distance factors. I love this man, and he's what I want." I will get back to your 3rd sentence here later. Now, his reaction right after you said this: "Lately, after that talk, he can't seem to let it rest, and has confessed that the distance thing is REALLY getting to him. He says he doesn't know if he can go on, that love is not supposed to hurt".

 

OK! Lets put this all together now. You mentioned something in a "frustrated" emotional moment. He became very sensitive about what you said and really took it to heart! He may have begun to question your love, devotion and loyalty to the relationship because of what you said in the heat of the moment in venting frustration. How was he to know your reasons for what you said? Ya know? Therefore, his doubts set in and stress and confusion as well. Very understandable under the circumstances.

 

K... You ask, "How is the best way for me to handle this?" The VERY best way is to be HONEST and Comunicate what actually happened!!! I know it is a HUGE taboo to bring up the past, however, in this case it is necessary.

 

You must bring up that conversation to which you refer. You must tell him how very sorry and stupid (go with me on this, ok?) yep, I said to say stupid, you were for having said such an awful thing. Tell him it was said out of frustration for your desire to have him with you.

 

DISCLAIMER HERE: ONLY TELL HIM THESE THING IF YOU ARE 100% POSSITIVE THAT HE IS THE ONLY MAN YOU WANT WITH YOU EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY, OTHERWISE YOU ARE BEING SELFISH AND CRUEL. Sorry, but I felt the need to add this as it is so very true.

 

Otherwise, follow the above advice and you will most likely have him eating out of the palms of your hand once again. Remember, after what you said, be began to doubt your loyalty and devotion to a longterm relationship with him. You must put those fears to rest IF those fears are unfounded. Don't go to all the trouble to get him back again unless you are certain that he is the one and only for you. He would be crushed beyond belief and I know you do not want that

 

Best of luck!