Esex

[hoping2heal]

I was just wondering if anyone has experienced, or can relate to sexual experiences after abuse such as mine.

 

For those of you who don't know, I was sexually abused repeatedly starting at a very young age (we're talking diapers, when the first abuser struck). I started therapy in September of 2008, and have just started over the last few months to really uncover and delve into recovery. I am learning a lot about myself and my past behaviors with others, and a lot of things are starting to make sense.

 

I was raised to believe you didn't have sex until marriage, and I always thought that was a good idea. If I'm honest with myself though, the truth is I only felt it was a good idea out of convinience, I.E I'm afraid of sex and never really confronted my true feelings about it, but waiting til marriage seemed a good way to keep myself in denial that the abuse didn't affect me.

 

Having said that, I have had sex twice and I feel terrified about it. It took me a long time to sort out how I felt about the sex because to be honest; I have heard and read all over the place that after you have sex with someone you get "attatched" to that person. To be honest the person I had sex with, I cared about but I didn't have that "I love you, want to be with you, I'm in love" sentiment for. He didn't know I was a virgin and sex hurt really bad, I still had my top completely on and wouldn't allow him to kiss my mouth or touch my breasts, I was really loaded with alchohol and at the time I even thought it was "fun" because here I was "having sex", I felt normal for a moment, although it hurt and I would not let him cum anywhere near me whatsoever, in fact I insisted he get out of me quickly after it started.

 

The second time we had sex, I made up my mind I was going to have sex with him while he was napping, I was sober when I made the decision and then I proceeded to get myself very drunk, so that I would do it. Needless to say, it hurt very badly again. I told him to stop very quickly and then I started crying, I felt inadequate because I could not allow someone to have sex with me. He told me not to worry about it, and was nice really. He didn't know everything that was going on inside of me though.

 

Looking back now, I'm starting to seek out the depth of my actions. I.E - WHY did I need to get myself drunk in order to have sex? Why would I aboslutely not allow him to ejaculate anywhere near me? Why did I not feel how I'm told over and over that I'm "supposed" to feel, because "everyone feels this way about their first".

 

When I think back to the penetration part of sex I feel afraid, not of him just of being penetrated. I feel ashamed because I believe I had sex without being ready to have sex, I think the fact that I made the decision to be intimate with someone while "sober" and then proceeded to drink my ass off before getting to that point.

 

I was coming off a break up the first time and still reeling the second time, I always thought that was the reason I wanted to have sex, I felt like maybe it would make me feel better, etc. I always cried and cried after we did anything (there was oral sex too) because I missed my ex, but maybe there were other feelings in the mix I just didn't know how to process at the time. I don't know, I feel really confused and ashamed as I said; I feel not normal that I can't have sex and enjoy it physically. I have had ways of being intimate with people I'm in love with that I've found to be enjoyable and I didn't need to be "drunk" to go through with it or enjoy it, but that was always via a phone and with people I hadn't met yet.

 

There was two other times, I gave oral sex to someone, again I proceeded to load myself with alchohol before being willing to go through with it.

 

Has anyone experienced anything like this at all? I feel really upset and more importantly alone, because I know through what I've read, heard, and been told by many that I'm supposed to feel much differently about the sex and the person than I actually do.

 

I'm just trying to sort out how I feel I guess.

[busy_married_student]

I know very little but maybe I can help.

Several months after i left my ex (who raped me), I wanted to "prove" I could have sex, that I could satisfy a guy. So I had sex with someone I didn't love, or even know that well. and it was not that pleasureable, it actually hurt a bit, and I'm not a virgin or anything.

 

Its still difficult for me to relax, sex makes me nervous. However, after I started to trust the same guy not to rape me if I said no and to not force me to do anything, I was able to be aroused and enjoy sex again. (i actually made him promise not to make me do anything or rape me. i told him I had been raped and asked for patience)

 

Maybe find someone you can get to know slowly. Take things slowly physically. Kiss and enjoy each others bodies, becoming comfortable with each other having agreed to wait on sex until you are ready. Wait for the actual penetration part of sex until you are very aroused and relaxed. (honestly a couple drinks might help you to relax).