OFGnomore Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Owl, my point is, would you have been so ready to reconcile, if the affair was physical? How would you deal with the sexual images? I think that's tough for a man the physical part. For me, it was made easier because my xOP suffered from severe sexual dysfunction which kept the A mostly emotional. A form of divine retribution if you will against me. I read what your xMW did with her H right after and w/o sounding hypocritical I agree that's haunting and a whole additional level of disrespect. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 OFG, I would go easy on that "divine retribution", part if I were you. The Neo-cons will try to threadjack. I guess what I'm trying to find out is whether or not , during the course of reconciliation, the WS will divulge what went on PHYSICALLY, and how do they try to overcome, what, to me, would be a major issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Owl, my point is, would you have been so ready to reconcile, if the affair was physical? How would you deal with the sexual images? I totally agree with your question...and share your viewpoint. Had it gone physical...I would NOT have fought to save my marriage. This was a distinct "limit" to what I was willing to accept. Here's part of why things worked out the way that they did in my case too... On d-day when this all came out, OM bought her plane tickets and she'd intended to go live with him...even though they'd never met in person. I knew for a fact had she gone...the affair would have become physical as well as emotional. I told my wife point blank...if she got on that plane, there was NO coming home. PERIOD. No coming back, no chance whatsoever for reconciliation between us. I could work through what had happened up to this point...but if she got on the plane, I would NEVER consider reconciling with her. And she knew that I meant it. She also understood that not only would our marriage be over...our friendship would be as well. She'd hoped for some kind of fairy tale ending in which she'd be with OM, I'd be the "loving, caring ex-husband and best friend to her and OM". I made it crystal clear to her that if she deliberately did that, if she left, knowing how I'd felt...there'd be NO "good" left in how I felt about her. It was that knowledge that finally made her start doubting her choices...and that doubt led to the end of the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
z1850 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 They will NEVER divulge anything unless they absolutely have to. The rest is left to your imagination. Of course, this is very bad for a marriage--since there should be no secrets in marriage--but this is pathognomic of a depraved moral character. Once that line has been crossed, there will be no repentance, ever--only regret at being caught, and a desire to maintain the facade of a relationship for the sake of convenience. Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Hey Owl...that's actually a great story:D That in itself would make a great ending for a romantic movie...YOU WON!!! Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 <<Had it gone physical...I would NOT have fought to save my marriage. This was a distinct "limit" to what I was willing to accept.>> Ditto here...lemme ask you this though Owl...did you want to know all the details of what went back and forth in Emails, IMs etc? My wife told me enough to hurt (if it don't hurt it likely isn't the truth) but she didn't tell me the actual fantasies or nitty gritty intentions...I really don't want that sh-t in my head anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 OFG, I guess that this is what is fascinating about this thread. I read from WS'S the same stuff. "We are working hard to repair our marriage/ reconnect with the BS/fix our issues/absolute transparency/was in an affair "fog",/still love spouse/" and they all seem to be "mantras" at best or platitudes, at worst. I bring up , what to ME would be a HUGE stumbling block, and I get attacked, or handed the same platitudes. As a F/OM, I KNOW how much respect and love the WS'S had for their spouse. During the affair, NONE. I was confronted by one of the BS'S after my affair with his wife ended. He said the the WS told him that the physical aspect wasn't very important. For something "not very important", she sure had an appetite for it. We had sex 7 or 8 times a week for 3 months. So , HOw honest are the WS'S, really? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Just wanted to note, because it is something that I recognize, am amazed by the consistency, but not exactly surprised by: Seems like men, as BS, are more devastated by a PA And women more hurt by EA . * I would be more hurt by EA. The sex didnt really bother me - it was the lies. Seems like marriages where the WS was the H have a better recovery rate. Or at least, the attempt. I know these things are simply the results of the male/ female nature, etc. And thats a beutiful thing. But really, the consistency of this is amazing. I agree a million times over that unless you have been there, you never really know what your reaction will be. Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I'm actually contrary to this law 2sure...my wife can't get over how much her EA has affected me. Had THIS gone physical there'd be no reconciliation because of the emotional aspects involved but I feel like I may have been better able to handle it if she'd had a one-night-stand with some lad who she had no real attachment to. But, like you say, one never knows. The other stuff for sure...men tend to be more possessive of their wives in the physical sense and women tend to be more territorial where it concerns their place within their partners heart. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 They will NEVER divulge anything unless they absolutely have to. The rest is left to your imagination. Of course, this is very bad for a marriage--since there should be no secrets in marriage--but this is pathognomic of a depraved moral character. Once that line has been crossed, there will be no repentance, ever--only regret at being caught, and a desire to maintain the facade of a relationship for the sake of convenience. So are you trying to say that I am a depraved moral character? That I do not feel regret at what I did to my husband and that my marriage is a sham? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Anne, If you are not being honest with your H, how would you describe your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobler33 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 They will NEVER divulge anything unless they absolutely have to. The rest is left to your imagination. Of course, this is very bad for a marriage--since there should be no secrets in marriage--but this is pathognomic of a depraved moral character. Once that line has been crossed, there will be no repentance, ever--only regret at being caught, and a desire to maintain the facade of a relationship for the sake of convenience. while i am totally digging on your use of the word "pathognomic" (haven't heard that one since grad school) i would encourage you to rethink your use of "they". if by "they" you mean someone who has committed acts of infidelity against their spouse, i am a "they". however i did divulge everything, and have made sincere and concerted repentance. i did not get caught, i disclosed of my own free will. and trying to repair a marriage is ANYTHING but convenient, as many other similar "theys" will tell you. as for moral depravity, i was a doozy of a hellraiser in my youth, but it has been many years since i've pulled my dress over my head in public. every day and every way, doing better and better.... Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Dobie, there you go with those descriptive idioms, again. First it's riding topless, now it's pulling your dress above your head. I'll bet your wicked funny at parties. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobler33 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Dobie, there you go with those descriptive idioms, again. First it's riding topless, now it's pulling your dress above your head. I'll bet your wicked funny at parties. yes, well, that's why i took to wearing pants.... Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Probably a good idea. Sitting here thinking about a tall, willowy blonde, with her dress around her ears, is'nt doing anything for my digestion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobler33 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Probably a good idea. Sitting here thinking about a tall, willowy blonde, with her dress around her ears, is'nt doing anything for my digestion. good thing i'm a curvy redhead on the short side. wouldn't want to cause indigestion. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Oh, God No! Redheads are my kryptonite. My first wife was a flamer, and we know how that turned out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobler33 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Oh, God No! Redheads are my kryptonite. My first wife was a flamer, and we know how that turned out. so then, do i get to be maureen o'hara after all? and you know, we're not all vicious lust-crazed harpies. or at least, not all the time. i was surprised to learn from my H (who i have been sleeping with for nearly 10 years now) this morning that i am the only redhead he has ever bedded. see? learn something new everyday. also, did you know we're going extinct? i recently read a study that predicts we'll be gone entirely within the next 100 years. it's a strange thing to know that you are the last of a dying breed. unfortunately my H has no redheads anywhere in his family, so i will be doing a great disservice to my kind by procreating with him. guess there's always the postman. damn, off bloody topic or what? is it still a thread jack if you're jacking your own thread? and, um, do you go blind if you do it too much? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 I think that the demise of the redhead, is directly related to the emergence of Carrot Top as the anti-christ. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Anne, If you are not being honest with your H, how would you describe your marriage? Whoa! Hang on a minute. Where do you get the idea I am not being honest with my H? He knows everything. If anything, he has sometimes said that I have been too open since D-day but it has been very important to me that there is total honesty so that we can give our marriage the chance it deserves. He has asked where he has needed/wanted to know more. Hh has seen my threads/posts on LS. We talk about our relationship. We are possibly more honest with each other than many couples where there has not been an affair. Dobler - sorry for this as there has been a mini T-J going on here which I didn't intend. I came on here to try and help as someone who has been in a similar position to you and to tell you that reconciliation is possible. You do no need to give it your all and bare your soul to your H plus he needs to be incredibly strong but it can be done. There are obviously some on here who would not agree and say it is not possible. Or will question your character or reasoning for still being together. But other than me, there are at least 2 other contributors to this thread who I can think of where their marriage has survived infidelity and these posters are also some of the most balanced posters on LS across a range of threads/topics. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Anne, so sorry you are right, I reread your posts and saw where you made full disclosure. My bad. You also say that your H is on LS. Perhaps he could come to this thread and answer my question about how he handles the sexual images of your affair, and if it has any impact on your (both) sex life. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Anne, so sorry you are right, I reread your posts and saw where you made full disclosure. My bad. You also say that your H is on LS. Perhaps he could come to this thread and answer my question about how he handles the sexual images of your affair, and if it has any impact on your (both) sex life. Apology accepted As for his posting on this thread, I know he won't on 2 counts. Generally we try not to post to the same threads (unless it is an obvious fun thread or something that we both feel particularly strongly about) though I can promise you that he knows I have been posting here and what has been said. Secondly this thread is really Dobler's and not about me and he would not want to threadjack. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobler33 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Apology accepted As for his posting on this thread, I know he won't on 2 counts. Generally we try not to post to the same threads (unless it is an obvious fun thread or something that we both feel particularly strongly about) though I can promise you that he knows I have been posting here and what has been said. Secondly this thread is really Dobler's and not about me and he would not want to threadjack. thanks for your consideration anne, that's sweet. but i actually think your conversation is in keeping with the topic - stuff to do w reconciling after and affair. converse away! i'm reading with interest. Link to post Share on other sites
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