7 years 10 months and its over

[JohnC]

Hiya Folks,

 

Let me tell you a little about myself, I have travelled fairly heavily and in November 1995 returned to the UK and met a girl who I had known before I left the UK and had liked very much. It seems fate was playing a hand and we got together within a week of our meeting. We moved in together within a month and we had a very happy first couple of years.

 

Now last year I suffered a breakdown brought on by 2 things, one being some stupid hours at work, averaging 100+ hours per week and the second being my home life, my partner had become very lazy, didnt work and basically was leaving me to pay for everything and anything. It was not a good time.

 

It took me 6 months to get over my breakdown and in the mean time I lost my job and all self respect.

 

My partner and I had been engaged and we went off to see my sister get married, after returning from this 4 week trip she became very depressed and life was hard. so I sent her off to Bali to visit her father who was retired over there. She and he are both English.

 

The first 4 weeks she was away we missed each other like crazy, and then I stopped hearing form her, she didnt return when expected and stayed on for a further 4 weeks.

 

I now know she was cheating on me and has since informed me she dosnt love me anyomore etc etc etc, this all came to light after I logge donto her emails to see if she was OK as I hadnt heard from her. There was an email from her friend asking about what she was going to do.

 

I confronted her with a phone call and she told me a whole pack of lies, I called her again at the end of the week and got the same lies. She did inform me though that she did love me but was unsure of her feelings for me and loved the island so much she wanted to stay and work there for 3 months and wanted me to wait for her return. when i asked her if she would like me to come and visit she told me no she needed time to herself. It was only 2 weeks later I found out what had been going on, I couldnt believe she had done this, my life as I knew it finished so I took a drastic action.

 

The sad thing is I packed up our house, our stuff and left the country to be by myself and to get away from all the things, memories everything our house represented.

 

she and I are still in contact and I have found out a fair bit about her new fella, he is a local indonesian who is going to take this girl to the cleaners, he wants a passport out of the country and she is silly anough to fall for it. I am so worried about her and her future and so worried about what she has done and why, I still cant seem to move on.

 

This all occured 3 months ago and in that time, I have gone through every emotion you can think off, self doubt, self loathing, guilt, to just name a few. Due to my breakdown last year I lay all the blame at my own feet. My partner has since fallen foul off her family and has been thrown out of their house she returned to the UK due to lack of funds to stay in Bali. She tells me she is unsure of her current BF and wants me to gvie her all the information possible, she has now even asked me to hack his hotmail account to get information. She has spent some of the time in our chats trying to play with me, flirt with me and basically get me to do things for her.

 

The problem is this I still love the girl, I wanted to marry have children and settle down with her, In the years we were together I sacrificed many chances and oppertunities for her and paid alot of money out for things, I basically showed her another life and in all this I have been cast aside now.

 

Since she last saw me I have lost over 4 stone in weight, and have taken up excersize regular because I wanted to show her I could be the man she loved again. I have pushed and pushed myself to get fit, strong and in shape, but in all this I have neglected my mind, pushing back and locking away my true feelings for the girl.

 

I am now at a loss, I know that I could show her how bad this guy will hurt her, and I could inturn hurt her through that action and that means she may want to come back to me. what concerns me though is that if I hadnt found out about this guy I think she would have come back to the UK, taken everything from me she could so that she could go back to him. She has become very singular minded in this task and now works to save money to go back and basically does everything she wouldnt do with me.

 

The other aspect is I am very very lonely, even in my travels I find it hard to meet people I keep to myself and dont want to let people in. I have no idea how long this will last but I am concerned that the love I still have for this woman is going to ruin any chance I have for meeting another loving caring person for a long time.

 

I am still shaken by all that has happened and only 2 days ago took off my ring, I do still lve this girl, but I have so much anger, so much self hate and I am totally unsure of what I would do if she tried for a reconcilliation. Her family, our friends my family have all contacted me to say look she dosnt care, she has no remorse and if she is being nice then she only wants something from you, they have all told me to be carefull and not to let my guard down. It is just so hard when someone has been a part of your life for nearly 25% of it.

 

sorry for the rant people, I just needed to get this all off my chest in a place where people dont know me and where I can just let my feelings out.

[andreautick]

I'm only 20 and the longest relationship I had lasted 3 years so I don't know what you're feeling. But, I just wanted to say that that is harsh and I'm really sorry for you. As all things do, I'm sure this will pass. She sounds a little manipulative, and you must realize that you deserve better. In any event, good luck recovering and my heart goes out to you:)

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think what your friends and relatives are telling you only validate what you already know but are still unwilling to accept. The only thing more painful than knowing you are being used, is not knowing ‘why’ you continue to allow it to happen.

 

It took you six months to get over your last crisis. It will take just as much time to begin healing from this one. The longer a relationship goes on, the more time it takes for recovery, particularly when it ends as abruptly as this one did. It may even take as much as two years before you're emotionally ready to commit yourself to a new relationship again.

 

Meanwhile, you are doing all the right things...with one exception. You MUST sever all contact, close that door and LOCK it if you ever want to move beyond the obvious misery that you're in. Each time you make contact with this girl, you will have to start all over again. If you don't "cold turkey" it, you'll only continue to relapse. With more time and distance that emotional fog will clear and you’ll realize this was not ‘Love,’ rather an unhealthy co-dependence, and/or relationship addiction.

[JohnC]

That is the hard part, when she was away and I was back in the UK I used to comde down each and every day turn my PC on and check for mail and then sit there for a time to check every 10 minutes if she was online or if she had replied to my previous mails.

 

when I left the UK, I still hadnt seen her and used to check for her emails every morning and night time, I used to get despondant when I got none. for the past week she has been on MSN most nights UK time, early morning my time an it has been good to chat to her, she has now lost the ability to use MSN as the person she was staying with has asked her to move on.

 

as can be expected this girl, was my best friend, constant companion, lover, everything to my life. The idea of her not being involved at all is just something I cannot accept yet, I still wish to keep up the contact but each time I do I feel a little down but a little happier.

 

I cant just seem to cut her off, I also intend ot return to the UK in a about 6 weeks time and I will see her, I still do not know why I must see her, but it is the one thought that overrides everything else in me, that I must see her when I return even if it is to say goodbye.

 

I miss her madly, I still love her but cannot find it within myself to fogive her for this thing she has done, she has hurt me deeply, totally destroying my illusions of her and totally breaking my heart. the pain is something I never wish to go through again and for that reason I do not trust her or believe a word she says to me now. Yet I still insist on trying to talk to her keep in contact her and want to see her again.

 

It is what comes from being a soppy sod with a big heart I guess, faith, trust honour all these things are gone. A semblance of love is all that remains and even that brings me pain.

[cliche_boy]

ya know what would make me feel happier - going over there, killing the guy then flee'ing the country.