LoveLace Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 I just don't get it. Ran into an acquaintance last night, one of those things where you never call each other, but if you see each other out, you talk or whatever. I always thought he was cute but I never really felt that from him in return. Last night we were at a gathering, and after all our friends left, just he and I sat and talked for a good hour or more, talked about relationships and dating and such, more than we've ever talked before...we talked about single parents because he is one, and I had been saying I don't mind dating men with kids, and at 1 point he mentioned I should meet his son sometime, which I'd think you'd only say to a person your interested in, but I guess I was wrong... When it was time to go we walked near our cars and he hugged me, but didn't try to go in for a kiss or anything...we did find out we have a mutual friend that bartends, so we said we will go see that person sometime, otherwise I didn't feel interest on his part....this boggles me, because if I'm not attracted to someone, I'm sorry but I don't normally spend so much time talking to them, then. I have a few guy friends that I'm not interested in that way, so I talk with them obviously, but if I'm out as the single chick that I am, I dont' waste time talking to someone I don't feel attraction for, in some way or another. He definitely seemed to enjoy talking with me but still, isn't attraction supposed to make it enjoyable to begin with? I'm so tired of guys not seeing me as more than friends, and I think it's obvious that I like you when I'm smiling and talking to you, touching your arm playfully, etc, I shouldn't have to be more forward than that, right? I get friend-zoned left and right and I seem to be the only person who thinks I'm attractive. I'm so tired of being very lonely this way. What am I doing wrong? I don't like to throw myself at guys, I like to be friends 1st. But it never goes beyond that. Help!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's possible that this guy "friendzoned" you a long time ago - and that would explain why he never went in for the kiss. No big deal. You had a nice chat with a friend. Also, in my experience, run-ins with friends can last an evening. Run-in with crushes usually tend to be cut shorter. It's part of my 'make-them-chase' philosophy I think. If I like a guy, I'll usually chat, flirt, smile and leave. (Unless it's clear by his action that it's leading somewhere... BF held my hand within minutes of us meeting). Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted May 31, 2009 Author Share Posted May 31, 2009 The way I saw it, it was the 1st time we really "got to know each other" better. In the past it has always been short run-ins, like you said. So I thought this was new and interesting for he and I. Once we started talking, it just didn't stop. But I guess all that noise just overshadows any visual stimulation. When it comes to attraction, we tend to go for those as attractive as ourselves, maybe a little less or a little more so. So when attractive men so often don't agree I am too, it's really hard to keep my self-confidence up. The men who are most attracted to me, usually look like poster-boys for in-bred rednecks...not even a little cute. I mean, what is this supposed to do for my self-esteem? I'm going to lose the confidence it takes to even befriend a new guy, because I'll immediately start deciding they won't want me in the long run, so why bother? Thanks for listenening, I'm in a major funk today that is telling me I'll never fall in love or have a family. One of those days...that takes everytihng I have not to bawl like a baby. Most days are much more optimistic....but when it's a bad day, it's really bad. I hate being single at 32. It's too hard and I don't want it anymore but I have no control over it. I can follow all the best advice in the world, and nothing ever changes. It's as though I"m just not meant to be here for anyone, not meant to be a wife or a mom, so on these days I question the very reason for my existence. But I've also had the nursing school problem, and it just seems like all around, all my dreams feel impossible to reach, no matter how bad I want them. I shouldn't be here at my age. Thanks Kam you always have good insight for me. I appreciate it a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaytb Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 When it comes to attraction, we tend to go for those as attractive as ourselves, maybe a little less or a little more so. So when attractive men so often don't agree I am too, it's really hard to keep my self-confidence up. The men who are most attracted to me, usually look like poster-boys for in-bred rednecks...not even a little cute. I mean, what is this supposed to do for my self-esteem? I'm going to lose the confidence it takes to even befriend a new guy, because I'll immediately start deciding they won't want me in the long run, so why bother? Nothing, actually. Your self-esteem is supposed to come from within. Also, it seems you have some problems with your attitude with how you belittle those people as "in-bred rednecks". How attractive do you rate yourself? And how attractive are those supposedly attractive men? Link to post Share on other sites
tigerstripes Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 I hate being single at 32. It's too hard and I don't want it anymore but I have no control over it. I can follow all the best advice in the world, and nothing ever changes. It's as though I"m just not meant to be here for anyone, not meant to be a wife or a mom, so on these days I question the very reason for my existence. But I've also had the nursing school problem, and it just seems like all around, all my dreams feel impossible to reach, no matter how bad I want them. I shouldn't be here at my age. ugh i feel the same way. I think that just happens to women when they hit 30 and they haven't married or had kids. I mean by this age we're just tired of dating and all of the crap that goes with it. right? It's tough to be ready to settle down, but have nobody to do it with. And then your family starts in with "we should give away all of the baby stuff that we've saved because we're never going to get grandchildren" stuff. And of course, after parental pressure, there is societal pressure when everyone you meet tries to guess what's wrong with you since you're single. Ah life. Sometimes I just want to know that I'm not the only person that feels this way. I feel your pain sista! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted May 31, 2009 Author Share Posted May 31, 2009 ugh i feel the same way. I think that just happens to women when they hit 30 and they haven't married or had kids. I mean by this age we're just tired of dating and all of the crap that goes with it. right? It's tough to be ready to settle down, but have nobody to do it with. And then your family starts in with "we should give away all of the baby stuff that we've saved because we're never going to get grandchildren" stuff. And of course, after parental pressure, there is societal pressure when everyone you meet tries to guess what's wrong with you since you're single. Ah life. Sometimes I just want to know that I'm not the only person that feels this way. I feel your pain sista! YES all of the above...stretching patience gets harder and harder everyday...it's like strength is running out along with time...optimism can sometimes drain me, as strange as that sounds, leaving me bitter, scared, and sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 Lovelace, do you put up a cool chick, tough girl personna, when you're with men? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted May 31, 2009 Author Share Posted May 31, 2009 Lovelace, do you put up a cool chick, tough girl personna, when you're with men? Not that I"m aware of, however everyone tells me how independent I am and that it possibly intimidates guys; but if my independence shines, I can't help it because it's who I am. Otherwise i just try to be myself and say whatever is on my mind...until it comes to expressing true interest, that's the part I have trouble with. I don't know the right words, or the right things to do at the right times. I want that to be the guy's job. So when he's not doing the job, I feel rejected...I've never been afraid to call up a guy and ask him to hang out, because a non-returned call is no big deal, I guess it's rejection in person that scares me. I do try to flirt and drop hints, as I thought I did last night, but I don't know. It's probably either too much or not enough, I just don't know which one...I was certainly not all over him anything, just going with the conversation and listening and laughing, talking...I give friendly taps on the arm once in a while...I want that to be enough for a guy to want me, but it's not, I'm guessing because I just don't do it for them physically; even though I think my looks are just fine, I'm no 10, but I'm happy as a 6 or whatever I am...I don't feel like a 5, I know that... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 If I were you, I would ask some trusted male friends, for their no-holds barred opinion within tactful reason. Getting consistently friend-zoned by men you find attractive, points to external impressions, probably body language, verbalization, etc., possibly even the way you wear your hair and dress, in conjunction with the rest. If you were consistently rejected by most men, which you aren't, that would be more a case of not being attractive. Hope this makes sense and doesn't hurt your feelings, because it's not intended to hurt or harm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted May 31, 2009 Author Share Posted May 31, 2009 If I were you, I would ask some trusted male friends, for their no-holds barred opinion within tactful reason. This is what I was thinking of doing...I'm thinking of talking to C about it, he's attractive, smart, to the point, and honest. Not to mention he was a Psych graduate, hehe. He's one that I'm more than glad to have as just a friend. I'm thinking he might really be able to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 He sounds like the perfect candidate to give an honest but tactful and tasteful response! No matter how much you tell us on LS, we can't ever know how you come across in real life. We'd have to meet you and see how you interact with men you're interested in, to give any kind of worthwhile opinion. If you feel like it, share it with us, although if you don't, that's perfectly understandable, since it might be too personal. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted May 31, 2009 Author Share Posted May 31, 2009 He sounds like the perfect candidate to give an honest but tactful and tasteful response! No matter how much you tell us on LS, we can't ever know how you come across in real life. We'd have to meet you and see how you interact with men you're interested in, to give any kind of worthwhile opinion. If you feel like it, share it with us, although if you don't, that's perfectly understandable, since it might be too personal. Good luck! Thanks. I will say this, the conversation got pretty deep last night, went from relationships to marriages to kids to sex...he got pretty detailed about something he likes to do..I don't mind talking about sex, but I think I became less talkative after that, because I started to think he was just trying to get into my pants...but I wasn't sure...so I think my enthusiasm for conversation just changed...but at one point we also discussed reasons why sex with romance is better than the casual kind...I was feeling very attracted and the talking about sex made me fold up a little I think...because I'm not looking for a sexual thing, but a real thing...even though I didn't mind talking about it, at the same time....by the end of the night something felt intense and serious about the whole conversation, so I left confused. He agreed that we should go visit our mutual friend together sometime, but that's probably just one of those things you say instead of actually doing. It's just disappointing to have such good talks that get kind of personal, only to feel they are not really interested in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 Totally get you. Hate it when guys throw all sorts of green lights then..... nothing. I'm also 32, soo done with dating and just want to settle down, but apparently it seems like I'm asking for too much. Link to post Share on other sites
tigerstripes Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 Have you guys tried telling these men that are giving you green lights that you're interested? It's rare that I don't get a guy that I want and pursue. In fact I can only think of one time that I didn't. But sometimes it takes me being blunt about the fact that I'm interested in them for things to progress. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 "I seem to be the only person who thinks Im attractive" Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 See, this story sounded exactly like "C". You run into someone who is an acquaintance, and then you either misread their friendly overtures as something more, or are perplexed that they don't want to date you. LL - sometimes the opposite sex is JUST a friend. Not everyone who talks to you that is male has an interest in bedding you. I think you need to realize that sometimes a conversation is just that, and isn't a prelude to a relationship. You do seem to think that if a guy chats with you, that he owes you a date or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted June 1, 2009 Author Share Posted June 1, 2009 "I seem to be the only person who thinks Im attractive" Yea you like that? It feels that way sometimes! Jilly Bean I was hardly thinking this was a "prelude to a relationship". I get frustrated that I'm not attractive enough, that's what this is about, when it comes down to it. Maybe he wasn't trying to screw me at all, my problem is that I don't KNOW therefore I don't know how to react. Maybe you don't have any problems with mixed signals, but I do. I am certainly not confident enough to think every man wants me, god that's the last thing I think, which is why interaction with opposite sex can be so hard for me at times. If I was so sure that every guy wanted me, I wouldn't be here, hell if that was true I'd always have a BF. I really struggle with being single even though I've been doing it for years, I don't feel like I know anything, or am sure about anything at all. So if an attractive guy has great conversation with me, of course I'm going to wonder what's wrong with me that it can't go farther. With C, for example, that has turned out to be a beautiful friendship blessing in disguise. But I don't need more than 1 of those. So after last night I'm scared that perhaps, this is all I will be able to get, from anyone, and it scares me and makes me lonely. I'm glad that I'm such a good listener and talker, etc, but if it never gets me anywhere, how can I not question that? Tiger I do want to try and be more blunt with guys from now on. And if it scares them, or rejects me, who cares. I think I need to put myself out there better and more than I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted June 1, 2009 Author Share Posted June 1, 2009 Totally get you. Hate it when guys throw all sorts of green lights then..... nothing. I'm also 32, soo done with dating and just want to settle down, but apparently it seems like I'm asking for too much. Oh yes, apparently it's way, WAY too much. For me, even wanting a date is apparently too much. How sad is it that one measly date with a cute and cool guy would be enough to make me crazy with excitement? It would. That's sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Yea you like that? It feels that way sometimes! I thought that was hilarious as well! Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Well LL, if you genuinely can't tell if a guy is giving you the romantic vibe, then assume ALL guys think of you solely as a friend, and then if he asks you out, it will be a nice bonus. Otherwise, you will drive yourself crazy with self-doubt and wondering, which is not productive. It's not about you not being attractive enough to gain a man's interest (I'm sure you are), it's about you having an expectation that a conversation with a single guy should yield you a date. So, as I suggested, go into it with NO expectations, and if you come away with something, then so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted June 1, 2009 Author Share Posted June 1, 2009 My friend C invited me for yet another outing tonight, to a baseball game actually, but we plan to have a drink afterward so I might have to tell him about my issues here and see what he thinks... Here's the thing. Maybe it's just that guys where I live are a-holes (and many say they are), but the impression I get 90% of the time is that they want a girl that looks good on their arm, you know, the "arm candy", the gal that other dudes are lookin' at. By myself, I think I"m attractive enough...but I don't hold myself in high regards to that of arm candy. The problem is it seems I'm only attracted to men who desire this, it's just their taste....and the personality might be great, but the rest of me just doesn't add up. Then I become the "friend". I get told I'm cute or whatever, but I'm not that chick that walks in a room and makes 20 heads turn. It's okay with me, but it's not okay with guys I guess. I wear minimal make-up because I don't need a lot of it, otherwise I look like a hooker, or like I'm trying too hard. I have a fairly innocent looking face with chubby cheeks. It's hard for me to pull off sex appeal, which is the 1st thing to make guys consider dating you to begin with....so it seems. I want a guy I date to think of me as their "arm candy", in an all-mine kind of way, and I think if they try and picture me next to them that way, I just don't cut it and lots of other girls can. And I know that looks are superficial and beauty lies within, but I'm talking about early impressions here, the stuff that gets a thing going. I seem to lack in that stuff and I hate it but I refuse to be anything but myself. It's as though I want to say it's all mens' fault, it's their problem, if I'm not found attractive, because what I think of me matters than what they think of me. But that doesn't make it any easier when I so rarely have anything to look forward to. I never walk away with anything to look forward to, and it bugs me. I'm always left right back where I started, with nothin...the sad part is, you can date someone for a long time and think it's the one, then it flops...back to square 1 again. I'm afraid of finding myself at square 1 when I'm 40 or something, single again with no family. I have no siblings and I fear total lonliness when I don't have my parents any longer. I fear dying all alone in some nursing home where no one comes to visit me...I know it sounds so ridiculously sad and pessimistic...but that doesn't mean it can't happen...ugh! I"m going to have a good time tonight and try to think positive! xoxoxo to LS Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 arm candy? where are you meeting these men? ... I don't think I qualify as arm-candy, but I do happen to know that guys in my circle think I'm a catch, not because of how I look but because of my attitude and personality. I don't know what else to tell you. It sounds like you're going through a tough time. Those happen, but please don't let being single get you down. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 LL, would you consider posting a picture of yourself in your profile? You keep saying you're not that attractive, but sometimes our perceptions are off. Also, we could give you suggestions if there's something about your presentation (hair, clothing, makeup, whatever) that might be enhanced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted June 1, 2009 Author Share Posted June 1, 2009 arm candy? where are you meeting these men? ... I don't think I qualify as arm-candy, but I do happen to know that guys in my circle think I'm a catch, not because of how I look but because of my attitude and personality. I don't know what else to tell you. It sounds like you're going through a tough time. Those happen, but please don't let being single get you down. As I said, I'm really starting to think I live in a region that is fairly snobby and superficial...people from other places say so all the time...so I'm convinced that this is just jerktown, hehe. Not a place with enough respectable, down to earth men in it. I was raised by parents from a friendly, southern town but I try to date in a big city where people are clicky and picky. My friend C, isn't even from around here. He too says people here are a-holes, and coinicidentally, he's definitely one of the most kindest and genuine people I know. I feel blessed to have him in my life right now because even though we are just friends, at least I have a great guy to hang with and talk with about anything, without being judged. If there were more like him, that also liked me, I'd be much happier I"m sure Thanks Kam. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Girl, men are superficial everywhere. You don't really become aware of how superficial they are until you've been on the rejecting end. Unless you're going for low-hanging fruit, looks (in terms of attracting men) are usually necessary but not sufficient. Of course, they may fall in love with you for your deeper qualities, but without an attractive appearance it's nearly impossible to even get your foot in the door. Instead you end up friend-zoned. This is something nobody else will probably admit to you, but it's the ugly truth. Link to post Share on other sites
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