Should I end this passive-aggressive friendship?

[writergal]

I've been friends with this woman for five years and notice that she has a passive-aggressive pattern that she uses with other friends too.

 

The passive-aggressive pattern is that she goes "silent" when you say or do something she doesn't like,which means she screens phone calls, and doesn't respond to emails or texts.

 

I've tried discussing this with her before but she refuses to take responsibility. Her response is to deflect any responsibility back at me, when I tell her that behavior feels manipulative and passive-aggressive. I have used those words with her too.

 

I recently was venting to a mutual friend of ours about her, who has also experienced this "silent" treatment that can go on for months, by the way, of her ignoring you. This mutual friend actually had the nerve to say to me, "can you afford to lose a good friendship just because she doesn't act the way you want her too?" She doesn't see that this silent treatment punishment type of behavior of our mutual friend, is really passive-aggressive b/c it doesn't solve any problems. I tried to explain that just because you ignore a problem, doesn't mean it will go away.

 

And, this passive-aggressive friendship isn't benefiting me anymore. My friend uses her husband, children and her hobbies as a rationale for treating me like crap on a regular basis. She never validates my feelings or apologizes -- which is the same way my ex-boyfriend treated me -- when I tell her that something she said or did hurt my feelings. She always deflects the blame back on me, like I'm the crazy one or I hurt my own feelings which I think is bullocks.

 

I don't use my life as an excuse to mistreat people. I think that is a load of crap. We all have stressors in our lives, but that doesn't warrant consistently disrespecting a friend. I feel like it is a one-sided friendship and I've tried to change my behavior to get her to treat me different as a result. But she hasn't changed at all.

 

My ex-boyfriend did the same thing to me. He is licensed teacher, trained to work with EBD students so you would think his communication skills are stellar. Well, his communication skills like my friend's are horrible. I don't have a problem being direct with people, especially where conflict is concerned. I have never "gone silent" on any friends...just cutting off contact with someone without prefacing why; "I am going through a tough time right now with my grad school classes and can't be the kind of friend you need right now. Let's talk in a few weeks when things have settled down for me." THAT is all I've ever asked from this friend, or from anyone for that matter. IF you are going to blow me off and not tell me, that tells me I'm not a priority in your life and you definitely do not respect my feelings.

 

I really don't think I'm being demanding or selfish, asking my friend to respect my feelings rather than just give me the silent treatment for months, not telling me why, then to avoid taking responsibility for hurting my feelings, rationalizing that I cause her to be this way.

 

I'm really hurt b/c I always accomodate people's feelings and put mine second -- which I know is passive of me and I am trying to be more confident and assertive when it comes to getting my emotional needs met by friendships that I invest a lot in. I know that I can be way too trusting of people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, which leaves me open to being manipulated, and taken advantage of..and when I turn around and call out the person for doing that, they get mad and try to blame me, like I'm the ungrateful friend b/c I supposedly demand more from them than their other friends (which is just another passive-aggressive tactic, deflection).

 

I also fear that this mutual friend whom I confided in is going to blab everything to our friend about what I said, and it's not going to help the situation get better. Part of me wants to cut both women out of my life and seek out healthier friendships, because i feel like its the same dysfunctional cycle...she hurts my feelings, i call her out on it, she gives me the silent treatment and ignores me for months until I concede and take the blame for everything, then she's happy to be my friend again. I feel like I've been in an emotionally abusive friendship for the past 5 years. And our mutual friend doesn't see it that way at all. She actually tried to reason that "true friends don't abandon their friendships when they go quiet for a while" which I think if just a lot of baloney. True friends do not cut off their friends for months without explanation. I think that is very selfish and narcissistic thing to do.

[TaraMaiden]

I'v(. . .)This mutual friend actually had the nerve to say to me, "can you afford to lose a good friendship just because she doesn't act the way you want her too?" She doesn't see that this silent treatment punishment type of behavior of our mutual friend, is really passive-aggressive b/c it doesn't solve any problems. I tried to explain that just because you ignore a problem, doesn't mean it will go away.

 

But she is right.

You cannot have any control or say over the way others behave. You can only decide upon your own behaviour and responses, and decide whether you wish to to work on yourself and your own involvement in this liaison. But you cannot influence others to do anything you think they should do....

 

 

I really don't think I'm being demanding or selfish, asking my friend to respect my feelings rather than just give me the silent treatment for months, not telling me why, then to avoid taking responsibility for hurting my feelings, rationalizing that I cause her to be this way.

But you are not respecting hers. you are deciding that she needs to change, but this is through evaluation via your own criteria.

You have decided that her behaviour is unacceptable to you, and you would like her to alter her attitude.

But you have no right to do this....

 

I'm really hurt b/c I always accomodate people's feelings and put mine second -- which I know is passive of me and I am trying to be more confident and assertive when it comes to getting my emotional needs met by friendships that I invest a lot in.

 

Then there's your problem... right there. You have flaws in your own character and temperament.... but you think it is up to others to treat you in a specific way.

Unless you communicate your own temperament in a way that is constructive, how can you expect to be accommodated differently?

 

I know that I can be way too trusting of people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, which leaves me open to being manipulated, and taken advantage of..

And whose fault is that?

You're the one choosing to behave in this way....

 

and when I turn around and call out the person for doing that, they get mad and try to blame me, like I'm the ungrateful friend b/c I supposedly demand more from them than their other friends (which is just another passive-aggressive tactic, deflection).

 

You cannot 'call out a person' for something you perceive to be inappropriate, when you yourself invite such treatment.

You perceive others as being passive-aggressive.

How do you view your own behaviour and perception?

 

Work on that.

[writergal]

Tara:

 

Thanks for your feedback. I do agree that my passivity teaches people to treat me more like an information receptacle, than someone who also has opinions that deserve to be heard. I am not always as direct when I should be, but in times of conflict, it is easy for me to be blunt.

 

I know my friend is probably angry about something in her life, or maybe at me, but until she actually tells me...her silent treatment of me DOES NOT HELP clarify or justify her anger to me at all.

 

When I am angry at someone, I tell that person directly. And...I always tell them exactly what they did or said that makes me angry. Sometimes I practice with a friend about what I need to say to the person before I say it, or I let the person know I'm angry (as I have with my passive-aggressive friend) and that I will talk to them more about it after I calm down. But I never just leave people hanging, by ignoring them. That is not acceptable and I don't see how you can justify it as me expecting my friend to change her behavior for me, when you say I have to change my own behavior.

 

I already stated what my weak area is: that I can be too passive, too trusting. But that doesn't justify or deserve disrespectful treatment from people. And even if i was assertive all the time, I would still be disrespected by people. But I think you missed my point Tara. My point is that I have asked my passive-aggressive friend MANY TIMES over the years of our friendship to simply try to see things from my point of view sometimes, to acknowledge that she hurt my feelings when I tell her she has, and to validate my feelings even when she may disagree with me about something. I feel like my friendship with her is unbalanced and I have tried EVERYTHING communication-wise to bring this concern to her attention, to encourage her to compromise and work on improving the communication in our friendship, together with me. But so far, she refuses which I think is selfish and narcissistic of her. And it makes me question the reason why we are friends to begin with, if she has no problem using me all the time at her disposal.

 

And I realize there are 3 different ways to react to passive-aggressive communication from people:

 

1. Get angry and end my friendship with her.

2. Remain passive and stay in the dysfunctional friendship.

3. Stay in the friendship but don't rely on my friend for anything, and just ignore her passive-aggressive behavior. So the friendship becomes more superficial.

 

 

 

Passive-Aggressive people like my friend and ex-boyfriend LOVE to send mixed messages b/c its a way for them to feel "in control" and to hide their anger b/c they don't like conflict.

 

And, I found a list of passive-aggressive behaviors that both my friend and my ex-boyfriend exhibit:

 

[FONT=Arial]Passive Aggressive Behavior Traits[/FONT]

 

• [FONT=Arial]Procrastination: Passive aggressive people have the tendency to overlook deadlines. They work according to their own time schedule, without bothering about those who expect their work to be done in a different way or at least, to be completed on time.[/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Arial]Delay: Never expect a passive aggressive person to reach anywhere on time. You should not wonder why he/she is late for a lunch date or birthday party – the person actually wants you to wait for him/[/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Arial]Forgetfulness: A passive aggressive person wants to be freed from responsibilities. Such people often use this technique of ‘selective forgetting’ as a tool to avoid an obligation. [/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Arial]Ambiguity: One of the visible traits of passive aggressive behavior is ambiguity. The person exuding such behavior rarely means what he/she says or does. [/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Arial]Blame Game: Passive aggressive people blame others for their own actions. They would hold others as responsible for the wrong deeds that they do. Moreover, they think that others should be punished for their faults. [/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Arial]Fear of Dependency: The fear of dependency haunts passive aggressive people. In this process, they try to acquire control over others.[/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Arial]Fear of Intimacy: Passive aggressive people are also very afraid of getting too intimate. The emotional fragility makes them pick up fights to maintain a distance with people who are close to them. This fear of intimacy often leads them to loose trust in their loved ones.[/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Arial]Thought of Being Oppressed: Passive aggressive people often think that they are not treated fairly. According to them, they are the innocent victims of oppressive treatment. Worst is the case, when they become offensive on seeing that you are upset due to their behavior.[/FONT]
  

I don't know if being friends with my friend is worth my time and effort. We all carry a personal bill of rights with regards to what we deserve from the people in our life. We deserve to be treated with respect, have our feelings validated, and maintain healthy boundaries with people. Life is not always perfect, and neither are people. BUT, if someone isn't treating me well, I DO have a right TaraMaiden, to bring this to that person's attention and ask them to recognize how their treatment affects me and our relationship. That is not being demanding or selfish and I disagree with you completely on that point.

[Ronni_W]

BUT, if someone isn't treating me well, I DO have a right TaraMaiden, to bring this to that person's attention and ask them to recognize how their treatment affects me

Writer,

I totally agree with you that you have the right, I'd even say the self-responsibility/obligation, to tell people when their behaviour is negatively impacting you. And you have the right to explain the consequences if they persist in what you perceive as their (mis)treatment of you. And, after you've set your boundaries, you have the right to follow-up and to exit the relationship if the person does not treat you the way you want and deserve.

 

And you can ask them to acknowledge, understand, recognize or whatever how you are reacting to a specific behaviour. But you cannot expect (ask, require, plead, demand) them to change their way of thinking and doing so that it satisfies your needs or desires, or mirrors your own way of thinking and doing.

 

All we can appropriately do, when our relationships do not nurture, support, encourage or uplift us, is exit the relationship. We don't do it because we are afraid of feeling lonely and being alone. But our fears are not other people's problems. We are responsible for healing our "core wounds/fears", with professional help, if necessary. Not by expecting or trying to influence others to change their ways.

 

I know how tough all of it is -- like the rest of us, I've struggled with the exact same thing in a variety of relationships. It's tough work, but I do believe that we each can overcome the "stuff" that keeps us stuck and unhappy.

 

Wishing you the best.

[motive2002]

I'm dealing with the exact same issue now. I've tried to be direct about my feelings, but it's as though my feelings were never acknowledged and I was to blame for having them in the first place.

 

If someone hits you in the face with a baseball bat, you can say "Ow that hurt me a LOT!" Now if that person tries to tell you that it's your own problem you feel hurt by it, and totally inivalidates your feelings by doing it again and blaming you for feeling hurt, it's time to end the cycle.

 

That's unfortunately exactly what I had to do. I'm not playing that game anymore. I feel as though I have been as honest and direct about my feelings, but if I'm invalidated, and the behavior doesn't change, then it's my decision to either put up with it or walk away.

[Jilly Bean]

OK, I don't think she's passive/aggressive at all.

 

She sounds hypersensitive, and when hurt, she holes up, rather than force a confrontation.

 

Regardless, you seem to have a LOT of hatred and rage towards this woman, and honestly, I think you are the one who behaves p/a, but you should cut ties with her for both of your sakes.

 

And, I suggest you get a handle on your rage. It seems to be more about your exbf, and like you're deflecting it all onto this woman.

[writergal]

Roni: I like what you said about our fears not being other people's problems. And I know I shouldn't expect my friend to change her behavior just b/c I point out to her how it negatively impacts me when she withdraws and ignores me for months on end, with no explanation from her as to why. I really don't like being treated that way by a friend. I mean, how difficult is it to tell a person if something they do bothers you?

 

Motive: I like your baseball bat analogy. That's a great way to describe the impact passive-aggressive behavior has on a person, and the painful consequences of being on the receiving end of that kind of dysfunctional behavior.

 

Jilly Bean: I'm sorry that you think I'm full of rage about my ex-boyfriend and friend. I don't have rage for either my ex-boyfriend or friend. Have I been disrespected by both people many times? Yes. It has left me feeling invalidated, sad, angry and hurt, because neither seems to care about my feelings at all.

 

Also Jilly Bean, I disagree with your opinion that my friend is hypersensitive. If she is hypersensitive, that still does not justify her giving me the silent treatment with no explanation. I will have to disagree with you b/c it is very manipulative to give someone the silent treatment in a relationship. People do this to regain a sense of control over the other person. It is a very common passive-aggressive tactic. Even children use it with peers or teachers or parents when they feel a perceived sense of vulnerability or lack of control over a situation.

 

So, I diagree with your opinion that I'm the passive-aggressive one who is full of rage, deflecting my anger from my ex-boyfriend to my friend. I've had this problem with my friend for 5 years. I only dated my ex-boyfriend for a few months. But I notice they both exhibit passive-aggressive communication styles. My communication style fluctuates between passive and assertive, never aggressive.

 

My challenge has always been to communication assertively more than passively and that is an ongoing struggle for me, so I know my passivity negatively affects all of my relationships. But the difference between my ex-boyfriend, friend and me, is that I'm at least willing to admit what my problem areas are and work on them.

 

Those two refuse to acknowledge their communication style problems with relying on their passive-aggressive techniques. And I cannot stand it. That's why my relationship with my ex-boyfriend ultimately failed. I couldn't handle his contradictary mixed messages that I got on a daily basis, his lack of sympathy, his inability to apologize, and his emotional abusive (silent treatment: he was silent for 3 days once, and when I asked him to talk to me, he refused, then he screamed at me which scared me, made me cry and then he apologized and acted like nothing bad happened...that is passive aggressive behavior).

 

The "silent treatment" is a classic passive-aggressive move, Jilly Bean. It's a way to manipulate another person b/c it gives a false sense of control over a situation. My friend believes she can control my behavior in our friendship, by giving me the silent treatment and not tell me why she's ignoring me for month's on end. She expects me to pursue an explanation from her, which would show her that I'm weaker than she is, and give her a sense of power and control, when the real problem is she is angry about something, either to do with me, or something else, and rather than deal with it herself, scapegoats me by giving me the silent treatment, making me the target.

 

Passive-Aggressive people are afraid of conflict, being dominated or controlled and getting emotionally close to people, so they act the opposite way. They push people away out of a fear response, when they really want to be close to people, but because they feel vulnerable and scared they act passive-aggressively to protect their emotional well being. Knowing this does not justify this type of behavior. I have never pushed my friend or anyone away in times of conflict. I always have reached out to people for support and I consider myself a sensitive person. I'm not afraid to ask for help. I'm not afraid (most of the time) to tell people when their words or behavior hurts me somehow. Like I said, I can be blunt. Sometimes that works in my favor, and sometimes I have to apologize. But people always know where I stand.

[Flying Burrito]

Sorry but I think the problem is yours. Agree fully with TaraMaiden and add to that - not only is your assessment of passive-aggressive behavior off, I rather think from what you said the passive-aggressive behavior is yours.

 

Your friend sounds like someone who possibly has a grip on basic behavior mod, whereas you could use a refresher. At the very least, you're displaying controlling behavior by taking a victim role which, in this situation, is extremely manipulative, and you're not finding satisfaction in it either.

 

My ex used to write a lot of cases and papers where she was asked to present findings (it would be wrong to reveal her stuff here so I'll leave it at that) and one of the things she would do as part of her research process was to take the other side.

 

It was very easy for people to mistake my ex when she argued against her own positions, but I knew she was making sure she was open to ideas and at the same time, learning to understand the other side of the argument.

 

I recommend that you try this out for yourself. Right now you're convinced you're right, but you're dissatisfied and possibly, you're not all that right. Try putting yourself in your friend's shoes and see what that is like.

 

Good luck.

[Jordanjames]

Oh my goodness I really feel for the OP right now I am going through the exact same thing with someone. I understand people change over time and I have known this "so called" friend for seven years. However, I will not call this man my "friend" anymore because really he isn't anymore. I understand exactly how the OP is feeling I think when the OP says she is "calling out" her friend's behaviour she means she is standing up for herself. She is letting her friend know this kind of behaviour is unacceptable. The thing is though the only behaviour we can control is our own. The only thing we can do is COMMUNICATE how we feel to other people that's it. It is up to the other person to decide whether or not they are going to LISTEN.

 

 

I do agree also with what another poster said though when you are dealing with passive aggressive people the ONLY behaviour you can control is your own. This so called friend he also tried to blame me by saying "why didn't you call me" but I DID call him. I saw the guy for his birthday in May I didn't have to but I wanted to. I realized after I saw him on his birthday that he is not a good friend and that he doesn't care about me.

 

In my situation I just decided I cannot talk to this "guy" anymore and so I did exactly what I had to do I cut off contact. I had to take action because I feel I have tried talking to the guy telling him he is hurting my feelings by not calling me or asking me to do stuff. I couldn't take it anymore so I am moving on.

 

I have also deleted this man as a friend on my facebook page and I have deleted all photos of him I have on my computer. The last time I saw this guy was almost a month ago on his birthday we went out for dinner. I am so glad I ONLY got him a birthday card because I did not feel like getting him a gift.

This guy he feels like he is the **** and that I am ALWAYS supposed to call him and ask him out to do stuff. I did not like this one way friendship and I told him so more then once. When I saw him on his birthday in May I told him to his face that I would like to hear from him more often and he did not call me at all in the month of May. I got my answer I am moving on. It hurts but I am NEVER calling him again the friendship is over. Sometimes you just have to cut people loose.

[Trialbyfire]

writergal, you have every right to expect courteous and respectful treatment from your friends. You've also got a right to discuss it with them. If they choose not to treat you with respect and courtesy, you have the right to cut off your friendship. Life's too short to waste on the passive-aggressive. Walk on by.

[writergal]

Flying Burrito:

 

My assessment of passive-aggressive behavior is not off, actually. The silent treatment is used to manipulate people, and it is how passive-aggressive people express their anger....indirectly towards the person they are angry at, or they are angry about something else and deflecting it.

 

Your suggestion to put myself in my friends shoes and see her point of view is a valid suggestion, because it will help me to see the entire picture. I have tried doing this in the past with her but it only goes so far...she is still unwilling to see anything from my point of view. I certainly don't view myself as the "victim" but rather someone who is at her wit's end, trying to figure out how to get my emotional needs met in a friendship that I have invested 5 years in.

 

And trust me I know I'm not perfect and I certainly have made my share of mistakes with this friend that I've had to apologize for. Sometimes I jump to conclusions (who doesn't), or let my passive nature dictate my actions when an assertive behavior is a better choice. But I've never been aggressive with my friend or anyone in my life. I guess I don't consider my bluntness as aggressive. Maybe it could be perceived that way. No one has ever said to me that my blunt comments have come across aggressive. If they have I would sure like to know, b/c I don't want to be perceived that way by anyone.

 

Could you give me feedback of where in my posts I'm being passive-aggressive? Because I've tried to convey with my posts my concern about my friend giving me the silent treatment, versus choosing to just tell me (in person, over the phone, via text or email...so many choices these days) why she refuses to talk to me. I see that behavior as manipulative because it doesn't give me information about my behavior that may need to be changed. Unless you tell me specifically what words or behavior of mine are negative impacting you, I will never know and therefore, not be able to compromise and work on my communication or behavior so that our relationship is more nourishing and validating.

 

The less my friend tells me, the less I know. How can I possibly be expected to change if I don't know what it is I'm doing that makes her go into these months of silent treatment that make me feel manipulated, sad, hurt and angry. I think my reaction is completely logical to being given the cold shoulder. If you tell me "when you do A, this is how it makes me feel.." I am willing to listen, and depending on the person and the relationship, willing to change my behavior for the benefit of that relationship. I've done that before. I'm not afraid to take criticism or feedback as long as its genuine and not for manipulative reasons.

 

If I were truly passive-aggressive, I would not be willing to make myself vulnerable to criticism, to take feedback, and try a different approach. If I were truly passive-aggressive, *I* would view the world and all of my relationships in black and white terms, never gray. And passive-aggressive people tend to think in terms of "extremes" as well.

[writergal]

Jordan James: Ugh! That had to be painful for you with your 7 year friendship with that man, to have to end it and walk away after finding out he just wasn't going to take responsibility for the way he treated you.

 

I let go of a friendship last year with a gal I'd been friends with for 3 years who was the exact same way! I would constantly be the one to pursue social plans with her, the one to initiate all communication (text, email, phone) and one day I got fed up and told her that I felt she was using me because she never initiated plans, and towards the end of our friendship, would cancel at the last minute frequently. Or, if i disagreed with her about something, she wouldn't speak to me for days until I apologized!! That is not a healthy friendship right? So I feel your pain about that 7 year one-sided friendship you had with your male friend. It does hurt to walk away from friendships that we've invested years in. But when our needs stop getting met, we have to take care of ourselves, put ourselves first and cut ties with people who aren't supportive, nourishing or validating to us in some way.

 

Trial By Fire: Thank you! I totally agree with you. Life is way too short to waste on people who either change and no longer need/want/mistreat us for the worse.

 

And I do feel bad about disagreeing with a JillyBean and Flying Burrito. You both have valid points of view and I so appreciate your imput. Maybe I do need to focus on my behavior from the other person's perspective more, so that I can get the bigger picture. I don't do that as often as I should, and it does have a negative impact. People don't understand where I'm coming from if I don't clarify to them in ways they will understand. I am guilty of that as well. If I could figure out how to meet everyone's needs all the time, i would. But I am learning to be more discerning and recognize that placing myself in the role of doormat, is not really going to help me in the long run.

 

When I wrote that i called my friend out, I meant that I asserted myself with her and she got mad as a result. Who likes to hear that you've hurt someone's feelings? No one likes to receive criticism.

 

My ex-boyfriend told me recently that he left his family last weekend when he drove 5 hours to visit them, because they were teasing and criticizing him about his ability to build a rabbit cage out of plywood boards. His father and his aunt called him "loser" and such and he got fed up and drove home after only being there for 2 days. So, I feel terrible for him that he comes from a verbally abusive family environment. That's probably why he got into the special education field as a teacher, working with middle school and teens who have emotional and behavioral problems...as a cathartic way to work through his own stuff. THat's probably where his communication problems stem from. But that doesn't mean I have to like it, or take it. He divorced his wife after 11 years citing she was emotionally abusive and psycho. Since I only dated him for a few months, and never met her, I will never know the entire or true story nor do I want to.

 

Passive-Aggressive behavior is a tough one to cope with in relationships b/c communication is SO KEY in maintaining trust and emotional intimacy. And it just prolongs resolution of any conflict no matter how big or small, and breeds misunderstanding to the point where 1 or both people involved end up hating each other.

[TaraMaiden]

Hyper-analysis causes paralysis.

I think if this is causing you reams and reams of self-searching and theorising, you're just better off contacting her, telling her to not talk to you any more, and drop it.

All this scrutiny is really immaterial....

 

Really, the only people we can affect, is ourselves.

We can hope or aspire to affect others, but there's no guarantee. And as is so verbally obvious here, we can hypothesise about the reasonings of others until we're blue in the face, but the only Mind we can ultimately know - and deal with for sure - is ours.

 

Talking ultimately gets you nowhere. Actions prove more lasting.

I think you just need to decide:

Still friends? yes or no?

 

Then take the decision and move on with it.

[Ronni_W]

I mean, how difficult is it to tell a person if something they do bothers you?

For some people (like you and me ) it's not at all difficult to tell others when we are feeling hurt, upset, whatever.

But that doesn't mean that it is easy for other people (like my mom and ex) to hear what we have to tell them -- that part depends on their own unresolved "issues, wounds and fears"...and it also depends on how well WE have mastered the art of clear and empathetic communication of our hurts and upsets.

 

I used to "tell" with an (unconscious) expectation that others have the ability to take what I "tell" in stride. That is MY unrealistic expectation because I'm not taking into account THEIR issues, wounds and fears.

 

And I used to think that if they don't set about "repairing" things (aka, changing the way THEY think, feel and do things), then it's some negative message against me.

But really, it's just that they don't have the self-image that allows them to acknowledge and accept that they have the power to hurt and upset others. And they are afraid that WE are going to reject and abandon them just because they hurt or upset us. And so they defend and deny like crazy, with the (unrealistic) hope that we will somehow "get over it" and not reject and abandon them.

 

It's a negative cycle that BOTH you/I and the other person actively contributes to, and that ultimately ends up killing the relationship UNLESS both parties work to heal their OWN "stuff".

Cos, even if you/I do our work, and they don't do theirs, the relationship is still always just gonna end up invading our healthy boundaries and making us feel like crap. It is up to US to take evasive action which, if there is no real and noticeable improvement within whatever time limit we've set, means that we have to exit the relationship.

 

Sad and unfortunate as that is, ultimately that is all that is in our 100% power to do...and it's our self-responsibility to maintain an environment that supports and promotes our own self-esteem and happiness.

It sucks, yes. Boy, does it suck when one realizes there is nothing left to do but leave!

[kizik]

Writergal,

 

just judging from your writing, you are an incredibly empathic, kind, smart person. I think you are totally in the right to feel the way you do, and cutting contact with this "friend" is totally reasonable. I admire the courage it must take to open yourself up to criticism on this board; you certainly have the guts and gusto that your friend doesn't. I completely disagree with the posters here who are turning the issue back on you, making it "your fault," and my reason is that you are being vulnerable and asking for feedback on yourself - which, BTW, since none of these people *know* you, is going to be speculation and BS. I say, move on. Clearly your "friend" does not deserve the kindness which you put out into the world.

 

Finally, I just want to say that this thread inspired me to write a friend who I am having problems with in an attempt to make peace. So thank you so much for all of your insight, Writergal.

[writergal]

Thanks Kizik for your incredibly kind words. I'm glad you were able to get something beneficial from this thread to help you with your friend. I hope it works out for you and that you find the peace that you seek with your friend.

 

I really appreciate everyone's imput even those whose opinions differ from mine. I come to this board for the different perspectives and opinions and always appreciate it when people take the time to respond to my posts.

[kizik]

As I told another poster tonight, keep posting! You're articulate and could provide a lot of help.

[KikiW]

You have every right to be annoyed when your friend decides to stop talking to you for months over something you said that she didn't like.

 

Rather than be bothered to pursue her and try and get her to talk, let her go - it is HER issue that she can't handle something you said. If she comes back around, you can choose to pick up where you left off and go to lunch or something, but if you are feeling like you have to walk on eggshells so she doesn't get offended and run away again, there's no crime in saying "I'm sorry, I can't get together with you right now..."

 

Maybe you two just weren't meant to be friends.

[whichwayisup]

Or, just stop putting effort into the friendship. Care less and if/when she calls, just make it casual. Whatever friendship you two had before obviously isn't what you need now in your life. You don't have to 'end' it with her, just let things fade away on it's own, that way there aren't any nasty feelings involved.

 

One thing, don't discuss anything else with that mutual friend..

[writergal]

KiKi: Thanks. I think I have every right to be annoyed too! For 5 years I"ve been muting my sense of self (i.e. walking on eggshells) just so I wouldn't do or say anything to make her angry. Anytime I disagree with her, she hangs up on me or tells me that I'm an anxious person. She never asks me about what activities I'm doing in my life, and when I told her that my ex-boyfriend broke up with me...her response was controlling, "I want you to be away from him b/c he's not in a healthy place," as though she were my mother. That is when I realized just how much of a doormat, how transparent I'd become as a person in this friendship with this woman. And that's not who I am at all!

 

Also, she and I are at the same university in the same graduate program. She is going half-time b/c she's married with 3 teenage daughters while I'm going full-time and will graduate next spring. Anytime I tried sharing my good news with her about my progress in the program she would shut me down by changing the subject. And actually she always does that when I try to share news with her about what I'm doing with my life. And who needs a friend like that?

 

Whichwayisup: I totally agree with you. I have decided to let this friendship just fade away b/c it is really not giving me anything positive in my life. Her friend - our mutual friend whom I stupidly confided to about this - takes her side, citing she's known her longer and actually said to me, "can you really afford to lose 2 significant relationships in your life right now?" referring to my ex-boyfriend (a 3 month affair, barely what I'd call a significant relationship) and my friend. She told me she wasn't going to relay any messages between us back and forth, and of course I know she's lying. Women are gossips, even when they claim to be loyal friends the urge to share secret information with each other is overwhelming. So, I know she told my friend everything I disclosed to her. But, that shows me her true character as well, and I've not been friends with her that long, so I'm not losing anything by letting her fade to the background as well.

 

I should have confided in a friend who doesn't know either of these women. She actually said she thought I had a weak sense of self which I thought was cruel, considering she works a job she hates, whines about her life and never takes action. Whereas I'm in graduate school, and I pursue many activities and hobbies that I feel a strong connection to and join not because i want to fit in with other people, but because i enjoy those activities and hobbies, and meeting like minded people who fit my criteria for friendships is a bonus. Does that mean I have a weak sense of self? I may have low self esteem in some areas of my life (relationships with men for certain, this I admit), but what kind of remark is that anyway: weak sense of self?

[KikiW]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like you picked the wrong group of people to hang out with!

 

You seem to have gravitated towards people who dump all their negative crap onto you, or who are dismissive of your feelings, or feel the need to get bossy about what your life should be like.

 

In any relationship, you should feel like you are getting something out of it, and that you are contributing something to it. Otherwise, it's simply one person being used by the other.

 

If I were in your position, I would distance myself from these negative folks and look for a few new friends to hang out with. Life is too short to deal with that kind of thing for too long!

 

PS: I know exactly what you mean about women who gossip. Not all do, but I have seen firsthand just how hard it is for some to just be a FRIEND and listen and offer support, instead of causing more drama by going back and forth between two people. Argh.

[writergal]

KiKiW: Oh, you don't sound harsh at all. It's true that I tend to gravitate towards people with strong personalities who are very domineering and emotionally manipulative, dismissive of my feelings.

 

It is a pattern I'm aware of with some of my significant relationships in my life. Luckily, I do have some healthy friendships I can trust - but this female friend of five years is not one of them.

 

It's weird now since we are still Facebook friends (as is our mutual friend). We can see each other's posts (she had a bbq this weekend but didn't invite me to it).

 

I'm just going to let friendship fade away. It won't make any sense for me to confront her since she's dismissed my emotional needs for the entire 5 years we've been friends.

 

I'm still irritated by what our mutual friend said to me when I confided to her, "Can you really afford to lose two significant relationships in one year?" as though it was all my fault, like I was the sole cause of the problems in the friendship. Don't you think that's what her comment implies?

 

Sounds to me like you've had similar experiences with female friends? I despise drama and this friendship has been rife with it.

[KikiW]

You know what might feel REALLY good?

 

Unfriend her on FB. She won't be notified you've done it, but you will stop seeing her updates and then won't have to have events you weren't invited to thrown up in your face. Who cares if you don't get another invite? Who cares if you never speak to her again?

 

I've unfriended people twice now, and it's REALLY liberating, silly because it's just a little networking website.

 

And yeah, i didn't get around to mentioning how justified you are about that "afford to lose two friends" - as though you will sit there wringing your hands with tears in your eyes because you should rather be treated badly than live without her precious friendship. BLECH.

[writergal]

KiKiW: Sad isn't it, how narcissistic people can be?! God, if I did sit around wringing my hands with tears in my eyes, I would need serious help. Ewww. Her friendship is anything but precious to me at this point.

 

And you know what? I woke up this morning feeling RELIEVED that I won't have to deal with her scapegoating me any longer, or criticizing me out of the blue for things I've nothing to do with. I look back on the past 5 years of my friendship with her and question what I was getting out of it other than a regular beating to my self-esteem. And the only answer I come up with is that I stuck with it so long is because its a pattern I was used to in my own family. After my father died almost twenty years ago, my siblings, mother and I went into family therapy to figure out how to cope without him in our lives.

 

What surfaced after six weeks of weekly sessions was the dysfunctional roles each of us played...the family therapist gave me the label of "scapegoat," and said that my role in my family was to act as the emotional receptacle for everyone else's crap. I became the source of negativity associated with my family, who unified against me, labeling me as the "sensitive" or "dumb" one in the family. It's difficult to shed roles that are forced upon us in our family systems, especially when its a learned behavior and the belief we grow up with becomes our reality after living with it for so long.

 

So really, my unhealthy friendship with this woman represents that aspect of my family role, and thank god I became aware of that now, so that I can walk away from any further scapegoating by her.

 

I wonder if I would have come to this realization had I not found this message board for support. Probably not. And anyway, Im aware of it now so I can change my behavior to prepare myself for any future run-ins with this woman if our paths ever cross again

 

And I think that's the role I took on with my ex-boyfriend as well...so this is something I really need to figure out how to change - the scapegoat behavior pattern I'm so comfortable re-enacting in relationships.

[FrozenPeas]

Writergal: While it may be true that you pick the wrong friends and/or need to be more aggressive, I agree with those who say that real friends would not treat you that way.

 

I went through something similar last year with a now former roommate and friend of nearly 10 years. Sometimes when she'd come home, I'd say hello, and I would get no response. She'd just march to her bedroom and slam the door.

 

Now I realize that people sometimes have bad days and she had gone through a lot in her life, but so have I and I can still muster a "hello" to my roommate. I don't need to talk for hours, but acknowledgement of my existence would be a nice gesture. Still, for awhile, there was a nagging thought in the back of my head - did I do something? Had I said something in an email to upset her?

 

One day, however, I noticed that she'd deleted me as her "friend" from all the social networks we belonged to. I asked her about it right away via email, thinking it might have been a mistake. She responded that she had not deleted me ("no, i don't think so"). So I asked if she could re-add me, but I never got a response, and in the apartment, I got the silent treatment.

 

I also couldn't really confront in person her because her boyfriend was there all the time, but honestly, I didn't want to. That was the last straw. And this was the second time in our friendship that she had completely iced me out. I could go talk to her about it, but what for? Like all the other times I'd walked on eggshells to make sure she was happy? When was she going to come talk to me? Never.

 

So I just stepped back. And I honestly knew that by doing that, she'd never talk to me again. And she hasn't. We lived together for several months before our lease ran out in complete silence, and now it's been almost nine months and nothing. And I have no idea why.

 

Obviously, I want to know what happened, and I keep having dreams where I confront her or she tells me why she was mad. But I know that saying something will get me nowhere. She's very non-confrontational and does not take criticism well at all, so she would just lie -- she lied about deleting me, and I've seen her lie to other people she decided to cut out of her life.

 

I know I don't want someone like that in my life, but it's still hurtful because of all the time I invested, and I thought I was a good friend. Since I've backed off, I've met other friends who I know would never dream of treating me like that, but I still re-hash everything occasionally and find it hurtful.