Snooping 101

[DNU1]

Okay, for all you BSs out there looking to recover your marriage, or for all of you looking to verify whereabouts of your spouse, this thread is for you.

 

 

If you have doubts about your spouse I would suggest verifying there whereabouts...(aka, snooping!). Here is what I know and suggest:

• Keylog any and all computers you have access to. Spectorsoft has great keyloggers and one that can be installed and send reports to e-mail (remotely). Keylog will show you every keystroke, enabling you to get secret e-mail accounts, passwords, etc. Check their e-mail "sent" folder, etc.
  
• GPS the car. Hit radioshack or check out brickhousesecurity.com. See exactly where their cars is at all times
  
• Voice Activated Recorder in their car, in house, wherever they might be talking to or meeting with the OP
  
• Closely monitor cell phone and credit card bills. Look for strange phone numbers, dates and times.
  
• Checkmate semen detection kit. Get it and check their undies. After sexual intercourse, all women experience "Flowback." This "Flowback" causes a woman to have dried and or invisible traces of semen in her undergarments long after every sexual encounter. Men also can have traces of semen show up in their underwear after intercourse.
  
• Hidden cameras in your house, in car, places they might meet (little more difficult to set up and more costly)
  
• Hire a PI to follow your spouse. This can get expensive...
  
• This one saved my tail! If your spouse has a smartphone (blackberry, iphone, windows mobile phone, symbian, etc.) you MUST check out flexispy.com! It's software you install on their smartphone. Base models track incoming and outgoing calls and show you ALL texts messages! More expensive and advanced models let you turn smart phone in to a GPS, allows you to make the phone a remote listening device and even lets you listen in as 3rd party on certain phone calls! Seriously, this software was the reason I found out about OM#4 and helped me head right to Plan Divorce. Without this software I would have lived a lie for the rest of my life! Best money I ever spent!
  

Watch, listen and most importantly NEVER give up your sources! Keep verifying their whereabouts and watching, especially if your spouse has had an affair and pledged no-contact. Waywards will lie, cheat and steal to get their *fix* of the other person.

 

Got any questions, just fire away...I'm happy to help.

 

(I got this nagging feeling I'm forgetting something...feel free to chime in.)

[motive2002]

Reading all of this makes me a little sick to my stomach, but I guess it's a sign of the times. No wonder I'm still single.. thing is I have NOTHING TO HIDE!! =\

[tml-13]

Hmmm... doesn't help if your wife is cheating on you with a PI... oh wait... he wasn't very good so I still found out....

 

not sure whether to put a smiley here or a barfing face....

[NoIDidn't]

I don't believe in divulging any of my snooping secrets. LOL.

 

There are ways around all of that hi-tech stuff, too. I would HOPE that a cheater is using a condom and the semen detection test always comes up negative. Ewww! Unprotected sex is my deal breaker of all deal breakers.

 

And some of that stuff is just too pricey for some BSs.

 

But I certainly understand the need for some of it. Too bad the WSs are too high in the clouds to think that they might actually be getting watched.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't believe in divulging any of my snooping secrets. LOL.

 

There are ways around all of that hi-tech stuff, too. I would HOPE that a cheater is using a condom and the semen detection test always comes up negative. Ewww! Unprotected sex is my deal breaker of all deal breakers.

 

And some of that stuff is just too pricey for some BSs.

 

But I certainly understand the need for some of it. Too bad the WSs are too high in the clouds to think that they might actually be getting watched.

 

 

Was for me.

[miss_life]

wish i would have known this a couple of years ago

[Owl]

If you can't afford a PI, there are still a few tricks you can pull along these lines.

 

First off...if you have a friend that your spouse doesn't know, you can ask them to tail your spouse if you suspect them of meeting up with OW/OM at a specific time/place.

 

Also, don't forget the power of the telephone. For example, if you suspect that your spouse is meeting at a motel ...call the motel as his wife to verify the room number/reservation. In my case in particular, I was looking for information about OM in general...I called his place of employment and happened to get a VERY friendly and chatty admin...who shared FAR more information than she should have done.

 

On the voice activated recorders...they do make some with adapters so that you can attach them to an unused phone jack in your home. Something to consider if you suspect your spouse of using the home phone on the affair.

 

Last thing...cross-reference your information. If you start deliberately correlating the information you've gathered from multiple sources, you can put together a big picture rather quickly.

 

In my case, I was able to pull phone records to see when my wife first started calling OM. I was also able to pull logs via the online game where she met him, and find even more information...that all occurred BEFORE I had a keylogger on the computer. That coupled with all the other information gave me a better timeline on the affair than my wife could remember...LOL!

[schewter]

How bout if WS conducted all contact at work on the company phone and through company Email? Mine had an EA with an out of town client; I'm 99% sure it is over and there is NC but that 1% is nagging. I talked to a PI about hacking the Email...he says it can be done but at great risk since, apparently, company Emails are quite secure and hacking into them can leave a pretty big footprint. Any ideas?

 

Hey Owl...I wanna get where you are with your marriage...D-Day was about 9 months ago for me and I still obsess over stuff...my wife actually came clean to me when OM was planning a trip to town and started pressuring her to get a motel for "them". This was probably the best way for me to find out as far as saving the marriage but I keep running scenarios through my mind where I find out on my own by hacking her Email or catch her having lunch with him (happened one time around the halfway point of their involvement...literal "May- September) when she was suppose to be shopping. I'm betting you went through similar thought patterns...any advice?

[NoIDidn't]

How bout if WS conducted all contact at work on the company phone and through company Email? Mine had an EA with an out of town client; I'm 99% sure it is over and there is NC but that 1% is nagging. I talked to a PI about hacking the Email...he says it can be done but at great risk since, apparently, company Emails are quite secure and hacking into them can leave a pretty big footprint. Any ideas?

 

 

His methods still work. Besides the fact that the WS always gets careless.

 

My H had an EA with a co-worker a little over three years ago. It was conducted via his work cellphone and his work email - until they both wanted more and decided to create *secret* email accounts outside of work. This is how I busted him. He emailed his main personal account some of his *favorite* messages from her, including the one telling him what her new secret account was.

 

A keylogger got me all the information I needed in one day (passwords for ALL his accounts) and it was a trial that only lasted for one day. So it was a well placed gamble once I actually suspected.

 

When its conducted at work, other than attitude changes, you really can't see that there may be someone else when they come home at the same time daily. In these cases, you really have to learn to read body language and stay alert to new behaviors to have an idea of what they are doing.

 

My H's thing was "I'm stressed at work" for being a grouch to me and the kids daily. My kids were stressed from him coming home like that. Once it ended, he went back to the dad they knew and loved (not without the help of MC and IC, though).

 

Programs like Spector allow you to send a small version of the keylogger in an email attachment that automatically downloads to their computer and does periodic screen shot emails to your email address. One caveat is that it might be considered illegal in some states or under some circumstances.

[Owl]

How bout if WS conducted all contact at work on the company phone and through company Email? Mine had an EA with an out of town client; I'm 99% sure it is over and there is NC but that 1% is nagging. I talked to a PI about hacking the Email...he says it can be done but at great risk since, apparently, company Emails are quite secure and hacking into them can leave a pretty big footprint. Any ideas?

 

Hey Owl...I wanna get where you are with your marriage...D-Day was about 9 months ago for me and I still obsess over stuff...my wife actually came clean to me when OM was planning a trip to town and started pressuring her to get a motel for "them". This was probably the best way for me to find out as far as saving the marriage but I keep running scenarios through my mind where I find out on my own by hacking her Email or catch her having lunch with him (happened one time around the halfway point of their involvement...literal "May- September) when she was suppose to be shopping. I'm betting you went through similar thought patterns...any advice?

 

Schewter...I'd be glad to give you advice, but I don't want to t/j this thread, as I think it might end up being pretty useful for others. Start a thread with the details of your situation (or bump an old one up, if it already exists) and I'll be glad to offer what advice I can.

[DNU1]

How bout if WS conducted all contact at work on the company phone and through company Email? Mine had an EA with an out of town client; I'm 99% sure it is over and there is NC but that 1% is nagging. I talked to a PI about hacking the Email...he says it can be done but at great risk since, apparently, company Emails are quite secure and hacking into them can leave a pretty big footprint. Any ideas?

 

You don't need to "hack" an e-mail. Get a keylogger on your home computer and your WS will probably give you all the information you need to log-in from home. Be careful though...companies can track who is logging in and from where. So if your WS is at work and their e-mail is accessed at home, well, they got you!

 

Voice recorder in the car would be my next logical step. They cost about $70 for a good one.

 

Smartphone? Flexispy.com ROCKS! Spend the $150 to $350 and get this. You won't regret it.

 

I called phone company and they will not give me text messages. They keep logs of who's texting whom, but they erase them after 30 days. You probably don't even see them on your bill. You can ask though...

 

YOu know, you could talk to HR and tell them your WS was having an affair with a client...and using the company phone and e-mail inappropriately! That might shut his contact down and verify NC! I've heard of it being done that way. Your WS is going to be pissed you rattted them out, but this is WAR! Do what you must.

[schewter]

"You don't need to "hack" an e-mail. Get a keylogger on your home computer and your WS will probably give you all the information you need to log-in from home. Be careful though...companies can track who is logging in and from where. So if your WS is at work and their e-mail is accessed at home, well, they got you!"

 

No-go...wife can't even log-in from home. Company is very security concious, in fact, they sell security equipment...their PCs don't even have USB ports for fear that an employee may download a contact list or something.

 

"Voice recorder in the car would be my next logical step. They cost about $70 for a good one."

 

Again, no point...we are all on a family cell plan...I can view a record of incoming / outgoing calls online...the fact that OM is six hours away makes it long distance...she never even used her cell when the EA was going on...always the company Email and company landline.

 

"YOu know, you could talk to HR and tell them your WS was having an affair with a client...and using the company phone and e-mail inappropriately! That might shut his contact down and verify NC! I've heard of it being done that way. Your WS is going to be pissed you rattted them out, but this is WAR! Do what you must."

 

Nah...I think she's been humiliated enough by just playing the fool to the lad's bs; I'll explore the notion of getting a copy of her company phone records for the last three months...and I gotta tell ya; if I reach the point where I see it as a war I think I'll just wave the white flag...I just don't wanna live that way.

[clv0116]

This is so pathetic. How can you get to a place where you feel like it's ever worthwhile to police someone into being faithful? My. God. People.

[NoIDidn't]

This is so pathetic. How can you get to a place where you feel like it's ever worthwhile to police someone into being faithful? My. God. People.

 

Its not about policing people into faithfulness. Its about getting accurate information, as the cheater is not likely to give it to you because you asked.

 

I don't think anyone wants to be their spouse's warden. Once the trust comes back, most people give up their "tools".

[clv0116]

Once the trust comes back? Wow. I guess there really is a sucker born every minute.

[z1850]

I think the InSite semen detection kit is better than CheckMate brcause it has 25 detection strips: 15 AP and 10 PSA. The PSA strips are highly specific for semen, whereas the AP test (like CheckMate uses) is presumptive. CheckMate seems to be a little primitive, scientifically speaking.

[NoIDidn't]

Once the trust comes back? Wow. I guess there really is a sucker born every minute.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Are you saying that your trust would never come back if you were betrayed in any way?

 

I wouldn't call anyone a sucker for attempting to trust again.

 

In the reverse though, there's a bitter person born out of every betrayal. We each have to decide which we are going to be: bitter or better?

[Reggie]

This is so pathetic. How can you get to a place where you feel like it's ever worthwhile to police someone into being faithful? My. God. People.

Unfortunately, snoop mode is essential in dealing with infidelity. As another poster points out, it may have nothing to do with future policing, just the need to find out what is going on so one can determine a course of action.

[Reggie]

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Are you saying that your trust would never come back if you were betrayed in any way?

 

I wouldn't call anyone a sucker for attempting to trust again.

 

In the reverse though, there's a bitter person born out of every betrayal. We each have to decide which we are going to be: bitter or better?

 

Bitter almost always precedes better. Being bitter gets a bad rap. For a while, I think most go through this.

I'm always amazed when being labled bitter or angry is tossed out as if there is something wrong with it. What normal person would not feel this way for a fairly long time. It takes years to get past this, in some cases.

[DNU1]

Bitter almost always precedes better. Being bitter gets a bad rap. For a while, I think most go through this.

I'm always amazed when being labled bitter or angry is tossed out as if there is something wrong with it. What normal person would not feel this way for a fairly long time. It takes years to get past this, in some cases.

 

I agree Reggie. My doctor and my IC said I've got to let those emotions out. Don't bottle them up inside...just let them out. When I'm bitter I need to show bitter. When I'm angry, show angry...let it out.

[EnigmasMuse]

These keyloggers for the computer, how would you pay for them without your spouse knowing? Wouldn't you need to use the credit card for those?

[Owl]

This is so pathetic. How can you get to a place where you feel like it's ever worthwhile to police someone into being faithful? My. God. People.

 

Again...until you get a clue on what it REALLY takes to work through something like this...I guess all you can do is come to a thread like this and complain about how pathetic it is to have to do something like this.

 

Perhaps if you had some basic understanding of what this is like...had gone through it perhaps...you could provide SOME KIND of useful, relevent post?

 

Here's where your still lost (I figured that it should be pointed out to you)...

 

1. ANYONE who is cheating will lie about it. PERIOD. It's not a question of "IF"...it's a simple point blank fact.

 

2. In order to start moving the situation forward, the truth has to come out.

 

3. (Let me know if I'm moving too fast for you) The only way that you can get the truth to come out is to find it yourself, and/or gather enough information that convinces the cheating party to "come clean".

 

4. Again...see number 1. They'll lie, unless you have "proof" to the contrary. (Still with me?)

 

5. So, you spy. Keyloggers, GPS, tracking cell phone usage...etc...all are TYPICAL steps that a betrayed spouse nearly always has to use at some point to gather enough information to get the affair "exposed", so that the WS (wayward spouse) can no longer deny, but is instead forced to deal with the situation.

 

6. Once the WS is forced to see that their lies are no longer being believed, this typically forces a decision that they fought hard to avoid...BS vs. OW/OM.

 

7. (I do hope you're not struggling too hard with this...take a break and breathe slowly if your head is hurting) The "spying" is a SHORT TERM strategy with two intended goals.

 

A. Get the truth out in the open.

B. Allow the fWS to demonstrate to the BS that they have changed and are now becoming trustworthy. (yes, that's right...in order to trust someone again, you have to VERIFY that they're behaving in a trustworthy fashion...I know...scarey thought).

 

 

If you really take a moment and THINK about what's gone on to lead up to someone cheating...you can see why the BS might actually have to take measures to get the truth out of a situation.

 

If you give some consideration to the fact that just because a relationship/marriage is in a situation NOW...it doesn't mean that it has to STAY in that situation forever. Just because a BS has to "snoop" now...it doesn't mean that this is what the relationship remains forever.

 

Instead of calling people pathetic...why not instead give some actual THOUGHT to what steps might be needed to resolve a cheating situation????

[delirious]

Be prepared that if your spouse found out you were using these tactics, there would be no going back. It is actually quite awful to be spied on and things will never be the same. For instance if you wanted to try again with your spouse, the spied on person would always feel guilty, guilty or not. Being spied on changes your behaviour, into feeling completely trapped and controlled, bad news for any marriage anyhow.

[Owl]

Be prepared that if your spouse found out you were using these tactics, there would be no going back. It is actually quite awful to be spied on and things will never be the same. For instance if you wanted to try again with your spouse, the spied on person would always feel guilty, guilty or not. Being spied on changes your behaviour, into feeling completely trapped and controlled, bad news for any marriage anyhow.

 

Not always the case, by any shot.

 

You see...once the WS finally gets through the "affair fog", and starts thinking like a human being again, they often realize a painful truth...THEY WERE BEING DISHONEST WITH THEIR SPOUSE.

 

In other words...at the time...it really was the only way for the truth to come out, because they were cheating and lying about it.

 

Using a keylogger is EXACTLY how I "caught" my wife, who had become involved in an emotional affair with someone online.

 

Yep...she was FURIOUS that I "snooped" on her. She took the standard gaslighting technique and tried to turn it around on me...tried to claim that she could never trust ME as a result of my snooping.

 

I told her point blank...I wouldn't have HAD to snoop if she hadn't been cheating and lying about it.

 

I refused to even negotiate that point.

 

And yes...she continued on with being angry at my "snooping" for months afterwards...until one day, sitting in MC, she had an epiphany. She turned and looked at our MC, and said "I get it. He's not spying on me hoping to catch me doing something. He's spying on me so that he can see that I'm NOT doing anything. It's reassuring him that I AM being honest now...where I wasn't before.".

 

She got it.

 

I stopped spying on her years ago. There was no need...the trust was rebuilt.

 

She couldn't care less if I were to spy on her now or not...because it's not like she's hiding anything anymore.

 

Typically, they'll only hold on to that resentment if they're continuing in that same kind of dishonest behavior.

 

Make sense?

[soserious1]

I think the InSite semen detection kit is better than CheckMate brcause it has 25 detection strips: 15 AP and 10 PSA. The PSA strips are highly specific for semen, whereas the AP test (like CheckMate uses) is presumptive. CheckMate seems to be a little primitive, scientifically speaking.

 

I'd daresay that if you're to the point of thinking you need to order such a product that the relationship is most likely toast anyway.

 

Yuck, I cannot imagine ordering/using such a product.