Snooping 101

[Reggie]

I guess the (more important??) question is, what does one DO with that truth once it's discovered? Would every BS out there be able to handle the fallout from the exposure?

 

When faced with the two probable outcomes -- either the M goes on and the BS tortures the WS for the rest of their lives... or a divorce ensues with the devastating ripple effects on everyone in the family lasting for years, if not forever -- I'll wager many BS's out there simply choose not to deal with it at all. They would rather not know.

 

Some, but not many, IMO. I think most want to know and are uncomfortable living in doubt. What are we wagering ?

[NoIDidn't]

Looks like a lot of people are recounting how it impacted them. I'd say the ball was well handled.

 

I'd say so too. Thanks everyone that recounted a story of how their spouse's cheating impacted their marriage.

[NoIDidn't]

I guess the (more important??) question is, what does one DO with that truth once it's discovered? Would every BS out there be able to handle the fallout from the exposure?

 

That's the whole point of the snooping. Its not up to others to tell them what to do with the information once they gather it. Some leave, some stay and fight for their relationships.

 

 

 

When faced with the two probable outcomes -- either the M goes on and the BS tortures the WS for the rest of their lives... or a divorce ensues with the devastating ripple effects on everyone in the family lasting for years, if not forever -- I'll wager many BS's out there simply choose not to deal with it at all. They would rather not know.

 

Just because many of the OP in the other forum make these claims based on what the MP says to them, doesn't make it true (the BS torturing the WS).

 

I'll wager that the BS that decide to snoop DO want to know. They might not have decided what they want to do with the information once they get it though.

 

I honestly never considered that my H would cheat on me. So I snooped because I needed to know why he was acting so funny and bringing up divorce "out of the blue" but then dropping it if I seemed hurt. What I found was totally shocking to me. He wouldn't answer the "is there someone else" question honestly, so I had to find out for myself.

 

And THEN I had some decisions to make. Honestly, if my dad and his hadn't implied that he was acting like he was cheating, I would have never thought that was it. I was very ignorant about how cheating spouses operate. Hence, the snooping. It was a revelation, for certain.

[clv0116]

My marriage was impacted greatly by her affair. She was emotionally and physically absent ....

 

I would humbly suggest, as a sort of wild and crazy idea, that instead of spying on someone you're supposed to trust, perhaps addressing the complaint cited above would be a reasonable place to start.

 

Just a crazy notion I have.

[NoIDidn't]

I would humbly suggest, as a sort of wild and crazy idea, that instead of spying on someone you're supposed to trust, perhaps addressing the complaint cited above would be a reasonable place to start.

 

Just a crazy notion I have.

 

You don't get it. That's the point of the snooping. The "emotionally distant" spouse isn't going to be forthcoming with the truth if they are busy doing something wrong.

 

Maybe you don't get it because you haven't experienced it? Those here advocating the snooping (as an exercise in gathering information) have already tried your "crazy notion". You aren't providing anything new here.

[Nightmare]

I did address it with her, I asked her questions for 2 months. SHE DENIED EVERYTHING. I asked her so many times what was wrong or going on that she kicked me out of the house away from my kids, all on the premise that I was being jealous and didnt trust her. Well come to find out everything I thought was true.Before I knew for sure she had me believing I was to blame, I started thing it was all my fault, that i was digging into something that wasnt there. I found myself apologizing to her for my actions and she wouldnt accept them. Said I was being insecure and jealous for no reason. Your acting like if you approach your cheating spouse on a hunch there going to admit to everything, they are in a fog and are willing to do anything to keep it secret and make themselves feel less guilty.

[Reggie]

Same here. Inquiring did no good. Just got lies. Snooping got the truth.

[clv0116]

.... I asked her so many times what was wrong or going on that she kicked me out of the house away from my kids, all on the premise that I was being jealous and didnt trust her. ....

 

First, she kicked you out? I'd like to know how she managed that. Second, so there's your answer. No need to snoop, she wants to live separate lives. Done, finished. Easy.

[Nightmare]

She managed that by saying i was being jealous and crazy over nothing. She didnt put a gun to my head to leave, but I started to believe I was the problem not her. And a week later she told me to come back home. At which point I did and a few days later it all came out.Oh and she had a weekend getaway planned with him a week later after I moved back. So your saying I should have not come back.Just washed my hands of the relationship under the assumption I was being jealous. If I didnt find the truth out I would still be blaming myself. So you have no clue what your talking about.

[clv0116]

She managed that by saying i was being jealous and crazy over nothing. She didnt put a gun to my head to leave, but I started to believe I was the problem not her. And a week later she told me to come back home. At which point I did and a few days later it all came out.Oh and she had a weekend getaway planned with him a week later after I moved back. So your saying I should have not come back.Just washed my hands of the relationship under the assumption I was being jealous. If I didnt find the truth out I would still be blaming myself. So you have no clue what your talking about.

 

So first you're pliant enough to be manipulated like that by a woman and next ... the spying didn't change a thing anyway, unless you count getting a spine transplant as doing something. Great. Not really making a strong case here for spying being a solution to any sort of problem.

[Reggie]

Seems like a pretty solid case for snooping to me. The Ostrich mode is absurd.

Talk about spineless. Looking the other way is about as spineless as it gets.

[clv0116]

Seems like a pretty solid case for snooping to me. The Ostrich mode is absurd.

Talk about spineless. Looking the other way is about as spineless as it gets.

 

Wow. If there's an issue deal with it, and by deal I don't mean let a 5'3 115 pound woman run you out of the house. If there's no issue and you are so insecure you have to resort to spying to prove there is no issue ... she should leave you when she finds out you have trust issues. I would if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

But then I'm not uber-lame.

[Reggie]

Don't sell yourself short, you are as uber-lame as it gets(and none too bright, as well).

[HsMomma]

Don't sell yourself short, you are as uber-lame as it gets(and none too bright, as well).

 

Ah, Reggie, Reggie, Reggie...took that sarcasm pill this morning, did ya?! Still made me laugh out loud, though!

[Nightmare]

Wow. If there's an issue deal with it, and by deal I don't mean let a 5'3 115 pound woman run you out of the house. If there's no issue and you are so insecure you have to resort to spying to prove there is no issue ... she should leave you when she finds out you have trust issues. I would if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

But then I'm not uber-lame.

If I had known what the "real" issue was I could have. Thats what you dont get. She lied and would not to admit it, so I would have addressed an issue based on her made up lies which would be pointless. I resorted to spying because there was an issue and I need to to prove that issue. This is not a case where I spied on my wife our entire marriage, this is a case where I knew something wasnt right with her by her actions and I had to get to the bottom of it. I think statistically speaking when a spouse has a gut feeling about cheating its usually the case. Spying is done for probable cause, if the signs werent there I would not have spied. Fact of the matter is I would not have found the truth out if I didnt. That has put me in a better position with custody and assets. So save your liberal right to privacy acts for your own marriage. I have no regrets.

[DNU1]

So save your liberal right to privacy acts for your own marriage. I have no regrets.

 

 

You did the RIGHT thing by spying! You were protecting your marriage, your family, from an affair.

 

And never, repeat, NEVER leave the house again. For any reason. If anyone leaves, it's HER!

 

My STBx left the house after DDay#3. I did not make her leave...she left to give me space. Came back to bit her in the arse -- cause she "left her kids" in the eyes of the court. Didnt' help that she made suicial threats...that hurt also. Sorry, did I mention I taped those conversations? Oops.

 

Snoop, snooop, snoop, snooooooop!

 

I stuck my head in the sand way too many times. Never again.

 

Listen to Reggie. He's been a great help to me.

[Nightmare]

You did the RIGHT thing by spying! You were protecting your marriage, your family, from an affair.

 

And never, repeat, NEVER leave the house again. For any reason. If anyone leaves, it's HER!

 

My STBx left the house after DDay#3. I did not make her leave...she left to give me space. Came back to bit her in the arse -- cause she "left her kids" in the eyes of the court. Didnt' help that she made suicial threats...that hurt also. Sorry, did I mention I taped those conversations? Oops.

 

Snoop, snooop, snoop, snooooooop!

 

I stuck my head in the sand way too many times. Never again.

 

Listen to Reggie. He's been a great help to me.

We are on the same page. She has her own apartment now and when she was signing the lease I sent her a few texts begging her not to sign and to come home. I have the kids now. I also have taped confessions of her admitting to the cocaine i found in our family car.She said it was her b/fs and it was no big deal..Ha. Also i got quit a few texts from her saying she was going to kill herself. Did i metion she hit me in front of the kids on quite a few occassions. Much much more. I have let this story play out while I had complete control of what i wanted without her knowing.I knew a divorce was inevitable so I covered alot of bases to keep my kids with me. She also has the b/f staying with her a majority of the time. Not something I want my kids around. I have not completed the divorce process at this point but hopefully will be done soon. Can I ask what kind of visitation she was awarded in your case?

[Nightmare]

So first you're pliant enough to be manipulated like that by a woman and next ... the spying didn't change a thing anyway, unless you count getting a spine transplant as doing something. Great. Not really making a strong case here for spying being a solution to any sort of problem.

The case is once I found out she left the marriage and our home. I had enough evidence to fight her for custody and she knew it. Plus her guilt for what she did let her basically give the kids to me. Didnt save our marriage but I dont wont too. If I didnt spy I would be living with my parents, paying her child support and blaming myself. Not sure how you can spin that but im sure you will find a way. Probably by reiterating the same two lines. Good luck.

[clv0116]

The case is once I found out she left the marriage and our home.

 

So she got what she wanted and ....

 

 

 

I had enough evidence to fight her for custody and she knew it. Plus her guilt for what she did let her basically give the kids to me. Didnt save our marriage but I dont wont too.

 

Which is what I've been saying all along - spying won't fix a broken relationship. It just proves to everyone involved how broken it is. Which is pointless unless one is too weak to go on without some sort of backbone reinforcement.

 

 

 

If I didnt spy I would be living with my parents, paying her child support and blaming myself. Not sure how you can spin that but im sure you will find a way. Probably by reiterating the same two lines. Good luck.

 

Living with parents. Wow, see above comment. I'm actually OK with a no holds barred legal battle (been in a few myself) but THAT is not what the OP was talking about.

[clv0116]

..... She has her own apartment now and when she was signing the lease I sent her a few texts begging her not to sign and to come home. .....

 

Oh my God.

[DNU1]

We are on the same page. She has her own apartment now and when she was signing the lease I sent her a few texts begging her not to sign and to come home. I have the kids now. I also have taped confessions of her admitting to the cocaine i found in our family car.She said it was her b/fs and it was no big deal..Ha.

 

Good for you! Smart man!!!

 

Also i got quit a few texts from her saying she was going to kill herself. Did i metion she hit me in front of the kids on quite a few occassions. Much much more. I have let this story play out while I had complete control of what i wanted without her knowing.I knew a divorce was inevitable so I covered alot of bases to keep my kids with me. She also has the b/f staying with her a majority of the time. Not something I want my kids around.

 

Yes, do NOT let your WW expose the kids to the toxic OM. Talk to an attorney about this. They must not be allowed to see him. Heck, I'd even request that she now be allowed to see kids on her own.

 

I took my evidence to my attorney and he filed and got an ex parte order. Legal order that said my wife could not be with my kids alone because she was unstable (suicidal) and she could not be in the house. Really shook up the STBx. And that was a good shock to her.

 

ASk your attorney about this...

 

I have not completed the divorce process at this point but hopefully will be done soon. Can I ask what kind of visitation she was awarded in your case?

 

My STBx and I have tried to work on things together to save $$ in atty fees. Because of her work schedule (a doc) she leaves house @ 6:00 AM daily. And is home anywhere between 3:00 and whenever PM. So she agreed that I would have physical custody (meaning child support) and we share joint legal custody, with me having final say if we cannot agree.

 

The crazy thing is she's not going to fight me on custody...but I'm sensing she will fight me tooth-n-nail on spousal support $. She's not willing to fight for her kids, but she's willing to fight for her $$$...WTF?

 

Hang in there nightmare. And keep snooping if you can. Do not give up your sources. Use that intel to help you along in your D case. Be strong for yourself and your children.

[Nightmare]

Oh my God.

Only sent them so she could not say I forced her to move out in court. I knew she wasnt coming home and I didnt want her too. And this affair was not caused by problems in our marriage, it is problems within herself. Not all affairs are caused by issues in a marriage. Sometimes the cheater just wants the excitement. So I never had any signs that our marriage was in trouble. I see where your trying to make your point, as far as a marriage that maybe had issues leading up to an affair, and then your so called "snooper" waiting till its too late just to bust the cheater. I assure you this was not my case.There were no other signs.

[DNU1]

Only sent them so she could not say I forced her to move out in court. I knew she wasnt coming home and I didnt want her too. And this affair was not caused by problems in our marriage, it is problems within herself. Not all affairs are caused by issues in a marriage. Sometimes the cheater just wants the excitement. So I never had any signs that our marriage was in trouble. I see where your trying to make your point, as far as a marriage that maybe had issues leading up to an affair, and then your so called "snooper" waiting till its too late just to bust the cheater. I assure you this was not my case.There were no other signs.

 

 

Nice work, again!

 

While I could kind of see DDay#2/OM#3 coming (had that gut feeling, could see some strange actions with my wife), I had no idea about DDay#3/OM#4 starting TWO FREAKING YEARS AGO!

 

That blind-sided me completely.

 

And yes, my wife's problems are within herself also.

 

Hang strong my brother!

[Owl]

Which is what I've been saying all along - spying won't fix a broken relationship. It just proves to everyone involved how broken it is. Which is pointless unless one is too weak to go on without some sort of backbone reinforcement.

 

So how do you explain all of the posters here who have provided direct evidence to the contrary?

 

In this poster's case, spying didn't make matter worse...it simply brought it out in the open so that it could be addressed...either by reconciliation or seperation...in this case, seperation.

[Nightmare]

Good for you! Smart man!!!

 

 

 

Yes, do NOT let your WW expose the kids to the toxic OM. Talk to an attorney about this. They must not be allowed to see him. Heck, I'd even request that she now be allowed to see kids on her own.

 

I took my evidence to my attorney and he filed and got an ex parte order. Legal order that said my wife could not be with my kids alone because she was unstable (suicidal) and she could not be in the house. Really shook up the STBx. And that was a good shock to her.

 

ASk your attorney about this...

 

 

 

My STBx and I have tried to work on things together to save $$ in atty fees. Because of her work schedule (a doc) she leaves house @ 6:00 AM daily. And is home anywhere between 3:00 and whenever PM. So she agreed that I would have physical custody (meaning child support) and we share joint legal custody, with me having final say if we cannot agree.

 

The crazy thing is she's not going to fight me on custody...but I'm sensing she will fight me tooth-n-nail on spousal support $. She's not willing to fight for her kids, but she's willing to fight for her $$$...WTF?

 

Hang in there nightmare. And keep snooping if you can. Do not give up your sources. Use that intel to help you along in your D case. Be strong for yourself and your children.

Wow, almost identical in my case. Now she wants a 60/40 split custody because she found out it would save her on CS. Me having the 60%. In order to maintain that she has been taking the kids overnight on every Tues and Thurs and everyother weekend. Prior to the divorce process she never asked or did take them during the week. Now if I agree to this it only costs me court fees, if I dont I have to get a lawyer. I dont like the 2 overnights during the week w school. So I will be consulting an attorny. I just to want to end up with less if she decides to fight me.