Emotional affair or... what?

[Bejita463]

Forgive me in advance for any grammatical atrocities I may inflict upon you during this rambling post. My mind is thoroughly scattered right now, and it is a huge effort to convey my thoughts coherently at the moment.

 

 

When I joined here I had never really intended to ask for any advice myself. Mostly I wanted to offer what insight I could to others so that maybe my viewpoint could in some way help, or that my sense of humor might brighten an otherwise dreary day for someone who needs it. It is not easy for me to admit weakness, but right now I'm one of those people that needs it. Yesterday morning I had a conversation with my beautiful girlfriend, that devastated me. I am not going to post a chat log, but I could really use some confirmation that I am not wrong to be as upset over this as I am.

 

Foreword: We have met in person, but I live in America and she in Sweden. I am, regardless of our relationship, going to try to get a work visa to live there myself.

 

We have been having some issues recently, and this was contributed to in no small part by that she had a troubled upbringing and is generally insecure. That, combined with the fact I am not the best at giving comfort or saying what I am "supposed to" has created strife. A lot of it, in fact. It got to the point where we were arguing every day over things that were simply not worth arguing over, and I eventually said we need to stop seeing each other if that could not be changed. I was tired of the fighting, tired of being stressed out, and most importantly, I was tired of being tired all of the time. If it had that same impact on her, she hid it well.

 

That falling out was around 2 weeks ago, and since then things have been far from perfect, but were getting back on track. Real effort to address our fundamental flaws in communication seemed to be occurring. Things were less tense, she was not interrupting me when I was trying to make a point anymore, and other such improvements. Those improvements might not seem like much, but past "attempts" have never had visible results like what I thought I was seeing in the recent weeks. While I was discontent with her poor communication (while I am not blameless the majority of the arguments were initiated, and pursued by her) skills, her major gripe with me seemed to be that I am not compassionate enough and try too often to solve problems rather than comfort. A problem being solved is a comfort for me, but I tried to accommodate her desire for a change in behavior. I do not know how well I did, but I truly tried.

 

Fast forward to yesterday morning, after what seemed to me to be 2 weeks of solid, steady growth, and the bomb shell exploded. I am just going to paraphrase the conversation, and summarize it here.

 

Basically, she told me that for about a week she had been in contact with another man. They spoke about innocent things according to her; a video game series they both have more interest in than I do (Resident Evil). She did accidentally admitted that they knew about each other's pasts however. She did that by saying his past was more messed up than hers was. She also claimed he knew all about me, which would indicate she was spending at least some time discussing our current difficulties with this guy. I would have thought I would be better to discuss these things with, but the impression I have gotten is her solution to arguing with me was to talk to this guy instead of me. She denies that, but the timing is awfully convenient.

 

Apparently at some point during this week this guy decided to inform her that he feels a strong bond to her, that she is one of a kind, that he 'couldn't keep the truth in' and would wait for her as long as might be necessary. Then she said what had me staring in disbelief. What made me feel betrayed.

 

While she later said she did not mean this the way it came across to me, she said that her "rational, trusting side" wanted to stay with me, but that her "passionate and emotional" side wanted to try things with this him. She also said she loved and trusted me, not him, and that she did not want to throw away all of our time together to start over from scratch. This all basically came across to me as that I was the safe, but uninteresting guy she does not want to kick to the curb until she has something new lined up. She even commented she was worried if she threw what we had away for him, he might end up treating her badly. She also mentioned that he lived 2 hours away from her, and she did not know how much longer she would have to wait for me to be nearly so nearby.

 

In all of what she said to me, I felt like more of a side-thought or a safety net than a serious consideration. Like there was some kind of competition that I was ONLY ahead on due to tenure. As I have already stated, I felt betrayed. More than that though, I felt that this fell under the realm of "emotional affair" and that the only reason it had not gone further was she had not yet gathered the courage to take that step.

 

I broke things off with her as politely as I was able, though I am ashamed to admit I was not entirely successful. I also told her that we could remain friends as long as she could remember to not tell me about things with this new guy. I wished her well with him, and got the response that if she could not have me she did not want anyone. During this conversation, which was many hours later, there was a lot of back peddling. Unfortunately, I think that was more due to her expecting me to react differently than I did than true regret.

 

Coming up soon is also the time we had decided on for her to visit me, and she said she thought she was just having cold feet. I suppose that could be plausible, but is still hurt that she was off talking to another man when she should have been planning with me her trip, and acquiring plane tickets for a month long visit.

 

So here I am, asking if I blew things out of proportion, or if my reaction was appropriate. Sorry if that was too lengthy, but the rhythm of typing made me feel better, which was a welcome change from the sensation of broken glass in my chest. Putting on a brave face has never been so hard. I really trusted this girl, and truly believed she was going to be the first to fail to violate that trust.

[NotNow]

her major gripe with me seemed to be that I am not compassionate enough and try too often to solve problems rather than comfort. A problem being solved is a comfort for me, but I tried to accommodate her desire for a change in behavior. I do not know how well I did, but I truly tried.

I know this wasn't your question, but this is the part that really stuck out for me. That's typical guy behavior, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Since she brought it up, you were right to try to accomodate her needs by "comforting" her, but she also needed to understand that guys/girls and individuals all have different ways of showing they care. For guys in general, and you as an individual, that means trying to solve her problems. When I was younger I would get mad at my bf for doing that same thing; as I got older (personal experience, talking to my mom, sister, friends, reading books about relationships and stuff) I realized that yes, the bf cared, but if I just wanted to vent and hear "Oh my gosh, what a b*tch" or some trite phrase and a hug, I would have to talk to a girl friend.

 

Aside from that, I think your gf behaved badly, and your reaction to her telling you about her "friendship" (yes I think it's an emotional, possibly turning to physical affair) with this other guy is what any strong, emotionally balanced person would do.

 

I am sorry to hear about your pain though.