HookedOnHim2 Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Husband and I went away for the weekend. Talked a great deal about his longtime EA with a fellow coworker. I feel we got to the bottom of a lot of things. One major snafu for the both us - we were not communicating with each other. For years, and years (we've been married for 22 years) we've both had problems or issues in our marriage and neither of us brought it out in the open. We let things fester. For the first time since we've been married, we really discussed our feelings for each other, the un-importance of his friendship to OW and any other female and I explained my relationships with men he had questions about. After we talked for almost 2 days, we realized that the things we have done was based on how we saw the relationship, not what was really happening. We both were expecting the other to read our minds so neither of us got the needs met that we needed. He chose to be close friends with someone who listened to him and saw his need to be needed and she leaned on him and he liked being in that position. My needs were unmet and I chose to fill my time with a second job, joined more bowling leagues and otherwise emotionally check out of the marriage. Financially, we were doing great. No money troubles. Everybody we owe gets paid every month. Neither of us ever made a payment to the "love bank". Sexually, after thinking back on our life over the years, sex had been dwindling quite a bit and by the time he got the prostate cancer surgery, it was down to "every now and then". He admitted the slowdown was due to his health issues over the years (blood pressure medications, depression over his lack of performance). I thought the slowdown was due to him not "feeling me" anymore so he went elsewhere for it. I have gained a lot of weight in the last 22 years and its made me very self conscious and I felt he was turning away from me because of that. So, he lost interest in sex because he couldn't perform like he used to and I thought he was having sex with others because he didnt want to have sex with me. And so we emotionally started drifting away from each other. #1 problem we had was never communicating with each other about very personal issues. We got used to working around the problems and not confronting them head on until the EA came up. I feel a weight has been lifted off me. There was so much I needed to get off my chest with him and I did. He got a lot off his chest too. We didn't argue about anything. We just talked and really listened to each other. We both feel that God put our union together and it is up to us to nurture and take care of it. This is what we agreed to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Congrats to you two. Best of luck...... Two days talking and no arguing..... Wow;) Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 [QUOTE=HookedOnHim2;2201846] We both feel that God put our union together and it is up to us to nurture and take care of it. This is what we agreed to do. Thats how we feel. Even after my H's infidelity, I feel like we both were given something special and that it would be wrong to walk away. Keep talking. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 After we talked for almost 2 days, we realized that the things we have done was based on how we saw the relationship, not what was really happening hooked, I'm proud of and excited for the both of you ... this is exactly what DH and me discovered on a retreat weekend we took 10 years ago, and it's made a huge difference in our marriage. Simply because we learned how to communicate better. I'm not going to lie and say it's not gonna be challenging, but armed with the knowledge that you can communicate and that you do have a bedrock of love, I think you two are going to come back stronger. hugs to the both of you, and thanks for sharing this with us! quank Link to post Share on other sites
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