I'm a failure to my mother and I don't know how to deal with it anymore!!!!

[Cora]

For as long as I can remember my mother has always been very controlling and verbally abusive. She would never miss the chance to call me or my brother stupid or worthless or even worse. She had a very filthy mouth as well. Some of the names she would call us and the language she would use was just awful. She had a very bad temper as well and you never knew what was going to set her off. We were always walking on egg shells with her. Once she got into one of her raging fits you couldn't stop her. She was never physically abusive. The only thing she would do is occassionally slap me or spit on me. I was never good enough and could never please her.

 

Everything out of her mouth was always negative. I always heard things like....you are not good enough, or you are never going to make anything of yourself, you are a worthless piece of **** etc... She would always bring up our failures. To this day she continues to bring up how I wasn't able to make it through nursing school. She never made it through either but I don't bring that up to her face because I have more respect for her than that but she never misses the chance to bring up my failures. I have had to move back home with her after college and losing my job and it has just been terrible! She is getting worse it seems. I try so hard to ignore it but it's so difficult at times. She would always come to my brother and I later and say "you know I only yell at you and talk to this way because I love you." Well if that is love then I'd rather her just not love me at all!

 

I am constantly having to get out of the house and get away for awhile. I will just go for drives just so I can cry. I hate her seeing me cry and I wont allow myself to cry in front of her anymore. She doesn't even care and would only make fun of me when I did. I have no privacy at all. I keep my cell phone locked because she tries to go through it every chance she gets. She goes through all of my mail and searches my room every chance she gets. She is very paranoid and I don't know what she thinks she is going to find. She does not like for me to go out or have a social life. When I do manage to get out of the house she is calling me constantly to find out where I am or when I will be back. God forbid I don't answer my phone she will leave these angered voicemails. She will say things like " I don't know what you are up to or where the hell you are but you need to get your *** home NOW!! She has called the police on me before to go search for me because I wasn't home at the time she demanded me to be home. She has no problem making a scene and it is very embarrassing!

 

I'm just so tired of being worthless and never measuring up to her expectations and frankly I will never measure up because it's impossible. She never see's the good I have done because in her eyes there is none. I went to school and got my degree and now I'm trying so desperately to get another job so I can just get the hell out! My father isn't abusive but he just stands by and allows her to do it not saying a word. My whole life growing up he has just sat back and did NOTHING! He only does what she tells him to do and it just makes me sick. The other day he said something that really hurt me. I'm used to hearing things like this from my mother but it was such a shock to hear it from my father. He told me "You know most children try to make their parents proud of them. All you do is disappoint us. You are just a big disappointment." I can't win! I don't know what to do anymore and my self esteem is just shot to hell! This past Mother's Day my mother actually made fun of the card I gave her so I don't know why the hell I even try. I wrote on there I love you mom. She just laughed and said "I don't know why you wrote that or why you even got me a card you don't love me and you know it!"

 

I am at my wits end! I can't handle this anymore. I am 26 years old and no matter what I can't seem to get away from this. All I ever wanted was a normal loving relationship with my mother but it just doesn't seem possible. I don't blame her because she had a very verbally abusive father but people CAN change if they want to right? I honestly hope I'm never like that. I don't want to be hurtful....I hate hurting peoples feelings. I don't want to be anything like her. I'm just so depressed and hopeless. I'm tired of not being able to do anything right in her eyes. To her I'll always just be a disappointment and a worthless piece of ****! Sorry for the long post. I just don't know what to do anymore........

[KikiW]

Oh Cora, I am so SO sorry

 

How incredibly painful it must be to have such an abusive mother and a passive father, when all you want is someone to love you like you deserve. That is so incredibly unfair - you are such a sweet, kind person and deserve only the best out of life.

 

Is there ANY place else you can live? Any friends, aunts or uncles, cousins... ANYONE that you can get a room with? Being at your parent's house sounds just so toxic.

 

They see you as a disappointment because that's what they WANT to see. They want to see you fail because then they have a place to blame all their OWN failures. They have set you UP for failure. You need to run away from that, or you will be trapped in it.

 

My own mother came from a somewhat similar household. She was not a perfect mom, but she DID work hard not to be anything like her parents. She wanted to change and she did. One thing that she focused on was being a success - and she did it by being ANGRY. She knew she didn't deserve the treatment she got and she got ANGRY enough to show them just how much she WASN'T a failure by being successful. She went back to school 8 years after she went to college and got a new associates degree and started a new career. She became a very influential state employee who brought recycling programs into the county she worked in before it was cool. She became successful in order to give her parents a big ol' middle finger! (PS: she wasn't perfect, she made mistakes, she was certainly human, but she got back up and went after more success after any setback)

 

You need to find that inner strength. You need to get away from them and become a success. You need to find those friends and family that are encouraging and supportive and stick with them. Your very life depends on it Cora. Your soul is screaming for happiness and being weighed down by the very people who should be helping you - you must get away if you want to find just how good it can be.

 

You can do it! I've seen you stand up for yourself before! Do it again! :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

[2sure]

You know what?

 

It sounds like your mother is a failure as a parent. Its possible her mother was a failure as a parent. You have heard the cliché: A Child Raised with Criticism learns to Criticize.

 

And its true. But when you look a little deeper , even more true as you emphasize in the title of your post: Criticism Beats the Hell Out of Self Esteem. New cliché, made it up myself.

 

Parenting is humbling to say the least. When a person feels like a failure, they arent happy and ultimately pass this along to everyone around them. That being you.

 

Your Mom , for one reason or another feels like she is the failure. Not being able to face that, she makes you the failure.

 

Break the cycle.

[quankanne]

cut her off at the knees, kiddo. When she starts getting nasty, start back in at her and hold your ground. If she tells you that you're a disappointment, fire right back at her that since she's you're elder, she obviously has been a disappointment in someone's life far longer than you have. Stupid, cruel and senseless? Yes. But I've learned that a bully will back down if you stand up to them.

 

ask her point-blank "hey ma, where'd you leave your broom" or some such flippant shxt and put HER on the offensive. Again, it's not a good way to live, but you ARE allowed to stand your ground. Don't apologize and don't give in if she's being ugly to you just to be ugly. She only does it because she knows it gets to you.

 

best one I've heard was when my dad had eye surgery and was doing a "poor me" bit when my mother told him, "You know, if something happened to you while you were recuperating, no one would suspect anything." See, while he provided physically and financially for her, he could be a real jerk psychologically and verbally. And we kids finally learned to shut him up by showing the same kind of disrespect he'd show us (and her).

 

the problem is not you, but your mom for not knowing how to be in a healthy, nurturing relationship with you.

 

if you must, cut all ties and just walk away. There's no law that says you must suffer abuse, not even in the Bible ...

 

hugs,

q

[Just Angel]

(hugs)

 

You got great replies

 

"God, grant me the serenity to accpet the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference."

 

As sad as it really is, you're going to have to step back from these abusive (toxic) people and start loving yourself.

As we cant change anyone but ourselves, this has to come from you.

 

Noone deserves to be the emotional dumping ground for others.

 

Id suggest the book "CoDependant no more" and for you to start treating yourself (allow others to treat you) as you would if you were your own child.

Would you let anyone hurt your child the way your parents do you?

 

You deserve no less.