Sherry Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Hello My boyfriend went out with 5 of his mates last weekend. It was one guys' leaving party, so I knew he was going to come home really late. Anyway, it was indeed 8o clock in the morning, which wasn't a problem as he has probably been this late about twice since we have been together (2 years) and I was happy he had a good night out. (They went clubbing, so chilling out until 8 is "common".) But when I asked him several times whether everybody stayed out so late he said that the guys left at about 6 in the morning but he continued dancing because the music was just excellent. I must say, we are a nice couple. Everybody comments on it. He takes me everywhere, on business trips etc and I fully trust him (really really do, as I can feel how important I am in his life). So generally I am a cool one and let him see his friends whenever he wants to without ever nagging about it. Anyway, when he told me he was the only one who stayed out I SNAPPED! Saying, what do people think when they see you out by yourself, dancing away??!! How come you didn't want to come home to your girlfriend!!?? Why did you lie and said in the first place that "more or less" everybody stayed so long??!! What will the other girlfriends (we are all a group of friends) think when your mates say, that Christian (my boyfriend's name) stayed out so late etc. We never argue in a "hard" way but I literally made him talk to me all Sunday, explaining. He was willing to do but had this smile on his face saying: "you are so funny by making such a big deal out of this; I don't think you know how much I love you, do you?" Anyway, can somebody tell me why it haunts me so bad that my boyfriend - on one occasion - stayed out for two hours by himself after his mates left???!!! What is wrong with me. I must say that I started waking up at 5 that night and felt a bit lonely about the fact that my boyfriend wasn't back, so probably built it up inside me a bit. For the record: I am NOT afraid of losing him, I KNOW he didn't do anything stupid, I know that he loves me!? Am I turning into a control freak and why?? I have no explanation!? Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 You might not be afraid but you sound unsecured.Control is usually a sing of insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
Sherry Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Hi Vash Maybe I am insecure. But maybe I just hated the fact of my boyfriend being sneaky and not telling me he was the only one staying out that late. So, he lied to me and that's a fact. He said that he knew I was going to go crazy, and he was going to tell me anyway during the day, but that I looked at him in such an angry way when he walked in that door that he just didn't want to tell me at that time. Fact is that he lied and that sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Originally posted by Sherry but that I looked at him in such an angry way when he walked in that door that he just didn't want to tell me at that time. Fact is that he lied and that sucks! Hi sherry Well ,you put the fear of God in his mind. You said more or less he lied can you clarafy this for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Sherry Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Well. It was 5 o'clock when I woke up and my boyfriend wasn't there. So I tried to call him and his phone had no reception, eg turned off. About an hour later I tried to call one of his friends whose reception was fine, so I knew that at six o'clock they (him and one of his friends, Daniel, were in a different place which got me worried!!) When my boyfriend walked in at 8 in the morning, I was already quite upset (which isn't normal). And I said, surely you weren't all together until the end, surely a few people left earlier. He said:" no, we pretty much stayed together". I said, "are you sure?". And then he said: "ok, they all left about 2 hours before me, maybe 2.5 hours before me, I didn't really look at my watch." I said: "what about Daniel? And he said:"yeah, Daniel left at about six". Fact is, if I had never interrogated him and tried to call his friend whose reception worked, he would have probably never told me that he stayed out longer by himself! I believe he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to worry not because he was up to something "sleazy". Then again those 5% in my head say: "Why not!?" Who knows whether Daniel really left at six and not at 2 o'clock!!?? I mean I could ask his girlfriend when he came home but am scared she will say midnight or something. Does my worry make any sense? Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Yes, your worries make sense. You don't want to loose him or loose trust in him. Do you honestly think he would have told you everything if not interrogated?? Link to post Share on other sites
Sherry Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 No, he probably wouldn' have. Because he knew I was never going to find out at what time his other friends left (or at least I wouldn't go ask them, pretty childish after all). So, he probably thought, if it does come out that I stayed by myself in that club; I can always explain to her then. He was pretty safe by hiding that fact from me. Chances were high I was never going to know. Unfortunately and he knows that I am "disgustingly" intuitive. I don't necessarily think you should tell your partner everything. But I really hate lies and am now all confused about trusting him :-( Which is a pity as he has been so sweet all these two years. Link to post Share on other sites
sherry Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 I mean, about three weeks ago an old friend of his asked him out. They once slept together a few years ago, but were never in love. Just two lonely friends making out. I told him that I truly didn't want him to go. He was a bit upset and disappointed that I didn't trust him but eventually decided to cancel on his friend: "saying, you are more important. We were never really that great friends anyway." This is why I am so disappointed that he lied to me this time. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 Sherry, How do you think your partner would feel if the situation were reversed and it was you who stayed out clubbing by yourself until eight in the morning? Would he not be worried or concerned? How would he react if an old friend or lover of yours invited you out and you never even considered saying "no thanks" on your own without having to ask for permission? I think I would be feeling a little wounded if I were in your situation, too. Even if nothing happened, his behavior indicates a lack of compassion and consideration for your feelings. You've been together long enough that he should already know where the boundaries are. I would be just a bit suspicious as to why he feels the need to test those limits now. Link to post Share on other sites
Sherry Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 Thanks Enigma I think I know what you mean! On the other hand, it happened once in two years that my boyfriend stayed out an hour or two longer than his friends. It happened maybe twice that he went out with a work colleague who unfortunately he slept with as well. My problem is that he is so nice to me. Does the outmost to make me happy, he is the most considerate person! I don't know whether him partying for too long by himself and not thinking much about going out with that colleague should really be a WARNING SIGN or not. When he said he was going for a drink with her, we literally talked for about six hours and he cancelled saying, it wasn't important to him. My problem: how to put a boyfriend's general kind, caring and considerate behaviour to the fact that he stayed out once by himself and didn't dare to tell me. But only did so after interrogation? Link to post Share on other sites
BlockHead Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 Sherry We never argue in a "hard" way but I literally made him talk to me all Sunday, explaining. He was willing to do but had this smile on his face saying: "you are so funny by making such a big deal out of this; I don't think you know how much I love you, do you?"Did he smile after saying those words? Did he make eye contact while saying that? You know that he lied about other aspects of his night out. I think he has something to hide. Link to post Share on other sites
Sherry Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 Great! Now you have me worried :-( He also took some coke and lied about that one, too. When he walked in the door, he didn't really seem like he wanted to talk much.But then we talked all Sunday and he said that he has never loved anyone like this and how I was making too much a big deal out of it. He apologized for lying but said he didn't want me worry more than I already was. Link to post Share on other sites
BlockHead Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Sherry It seems like you didn’t like his smile. Maybe there is more to it. I just started reading the book Never Be Lied to Again by David J. Lieberman. p17 Then there are times when we make a conscious effort to emphasize our point, but because the gesture is forced it lacks spontaneity and the timing is off.If he smiles after saying something is funny, I would have to say that his timing was off. p20 A smile that does not involve the whole face is a sign of deception.p22 In fact, generally speaking, only a guilty person gets defensive. Someone who is innocent will usually go on the offensive. Maybe you should drop by your local library, and borrow the book, audio CD, or cassette. Maybe you can turn yourself into a human lie detector. Link to post Share on other sites
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