How much do parents get to control the wedding?

[Touche]

Congratulations!

 

Thank you.

 

My suggestion, if anyone asks me, is to keep the wedding small and have a fabulous honeymoon instead - which is what we did.

 

My other suggestion is not to start a marriage off with debt if you can help it. The first year of marriage can sometimes be a challenge without debt.

 

But I guess I'm off topic now.

 

I just can't see letting someone else manage my wedding...even if it is family. I'm too much of a control freak I guess! I would rather pay for it myself and call all the shots with my fiance' instead of having to kow tow and compromise. But that's just me.

[Girlygal]

the set of parents who are paying will have the last word, period.

 

 

i have to agree the people paying do tend to get the last word. Afterall it is their money. Thats a big reason why i paid for my own and let the families put the money they would have given for a wedding towards the down payment on our home. Best investment i ever made. wasnt the biggest or grandest wedding i ever went to but i got married to the guy i love and at the end of the day that was all that mattered, and now we can still enjoy our house instead of flipping through pics!

 

I am interested to see how the dynamics on this one work out!

[norajane]

I just don't get the whole big wedding thing anyway...inviting people you don't know or hardly even see..makes no sense to me.

 

I think it's a combination of factors. Large extended families, social obligations to people who have invited them to weddings in the past, friends (or the parents' friends) they think would be hurt if they weren't invited, and then you add spouses and it can rack up to big numbers.

 

My family tends to do big weddings for those reasons, but honestly, if I look around the room, I usually see less than 50 people who REALLY care about the couple, and those are mostly the close family and friends they see on a regular basis.

 

Everyone should have the kind of wedding they want, or their parents want if they are paying for it, but it's really easy to let things get out of hand. Setting a budget and then working from there, even if it means a smaller, less elaborate wedding, makes more sense to me. You'll still have the people who really matter around you, and it's less stress on everybody.

[Girlygal]

Just wanted to reiterate this part, as it seemed to get lost...

 

Sometimes, just sometimes, its about more than the money.

Its not just about selfish bridezillas being divas.

 

My dad WANTED to give me a big amazing wedding, for a number of reasons- and in the end it turned out to be the last thing he did for me.

 

He wanted to be there to walk me down the aisle, and celebrate with all our family and friends. The last decent photos we have of him are from our wedding.

 

My wedding was eclipsed by his illness, and my subsequent pregnancy was eclipsed in its early stages by his death.

Not that I am complaining, (I got pregnant as soon as I could to try and give HIM something to live for) but it was- its only really now that we are starting to feel truly excited about the baby because so many other things have happened.

 

In fact, I am welcoming a less hectic pace of life for now.

 

So despite my initial negative feelings about weddings, I am very very glad we did ours the way we did, because the positive effects of it were felt by more people than just us, the bride and groom.

 

i just wanted to add that this is a beautiful story!! I am glad your dad was able to walk you down the aisle and you were able to celebrate that moment of your life with him! Congrats on the new baby and thank you for sharing such an awesome memory.

[Touche]

I think it's a combination of factors. Large extended families, social obligations to people who have invited them to weddings in the past, friends (or the parents' friends) they think would be hurt if they weren't invited, and then you add spouses and it can rack up to big numbers.

 

My family tends to do big weddings for those reasons, but honestly, if I look around the room, I usually see less than 50 people who REALLY care about the couple, and those are mostly the close family and friends they see on a regular basis.

 

Everyone should have the kind of wedding they want, or their parents want if they are paying for it, but it's really easy to let things get out of hand. Setting a budget and then working from there, even if it means a smaller, less elaborate wedding, makes more sense to me. You'll still have the people who really matter around you, and it's less stress on everybody.

 

The concept of a "social obligation" is foreign to me! I just don't roll that way..if I ever have felt any "social obligation" towards anyone I'm not that close to, I'd take them out for dinner, not invite them to something as intimate as my wedding...but yeah, not everyone is like me and I can understand what you're saying about how these things can get out of hand.

 

I agree with everything you said. You know what though? And I think Americans are especially guilty of this..."less elaborate" doesn't mean less meaningful and it doesn't mean less tasteful either. That's what I think a lot of people don't realize. It's not less anything necessarily...well other than less expensive, that's for sure.

 

In fact, it can and often is, even better in the superficial ways...you can afford better quality food/drink, etc. It's all about quality over quantity in this case...and that applies to the guests as well. As you said, most of the guests at these type of weddings aren't even really close to the couple.

[Chocolat]

The concept of a "social obligation" is foreign to me! I just don't roll that way..if I ever have felt any "social obligation" towards anyone I'm not that close to, I'd take them out for dinner, not invite them to something as intimate as my wedding...but yeah, not everyone is like me and I can understand what you're saying about how these things can get out of hand.

 

Agreed. Also, it is a burden to be invited sometimes. When I am close to the couple (or family) it is one thing. But when I am invited to the wedding of someone I am not close to it can feel as though I've been invited simply so that the bride and groom can accumulate another gift!

 

I agree with everything you said. You know what though? And I think Americans are especially guilty of this..."less elaborate" doesn't mean less meaningful and it doesn't mean less tasteful either. That's what I think a lot of people don't realize. It's not less anything necessarily...well other than less expensive, that's for sure.

 

I agree with this completely. Small, intimate events can be just as special and elegant as larger ones. It's a matter of taste, really. I've never needed a large crowd around me. In fact, I am happiest when I am in a smaller circle of people who I know truly care about me. Other people enjoy the energy from large gatherings.

 

One thing I know for sure... All the worrying the bride does about the gown (how many beads, what type of fabric, how long a train, whether to have a veil) and flowers, etc., is for naught. No one other than the bride could tell you what she wore even a week after the event (unless it was something truly shocking), nor what the flowers looked like. People care about the drink (was there enough) and food (was there enough and was it edible) and that's it. All the other nonsense is lost on 99.9% of the guests.

[Star Gazer]

My other suggestion is not to start a marriage off with debt if you can help it. The first year of marriage can sometimes be a challenge without debt.

 

Plenty of people can have large weddings without having to use credit or incur debt. Also, most often, the family (not the bride and groom) actually wants to pay... so why not let them?

 

I know! It's kind of stupid I know but it applies to just about everyone i know who has had a big, elaborate affair. I've always known that was never going to be the case for me. And like I said, both times were small events.

 

But your first ended in divorce. Kinda blows the theory away, doesn't it?

[Star Gazer]

Agreed. Also, it is a burden to be invited sometimes. When I am close to the couple (or family) it is one thing. But when I am invited to the wedding of someone I am not close to it can feel as though I've been invited simply so that the bride and groom can accumulate another gift!

 

I'm probably evil for doing this, but if I'm not close to the bride or groom and get an invitation, I usually don't get them a gift (unless it's a partner at my firm).

[2sure]

I've been married more than once. Big shindig and intimate gathering.

The key in either is family. If you have a big family invite them all to whatever type suits your budget. I didnt have families complete with children at either affair...but in retrospect, its all about family. Thats the point. I would like to go to more weddings with the whole family, snotty kids and all.

[Touche]

Agreed. Also, it is a burden to be invited sometimes. When I am close to the couple (or family) it is one thing. But when I am invited to the wedding of someone I am not close to it can feel as though I've been invited simply so that the bride and groom can accumulate another gift!

 

Been there..as have most of us. And you know what? It can feel that way because it IS that way. I mean why else would you invite people who have never met the bride and groom? It's ridiculous. And frankly, I don't get why the bride and groom would even want strangers at their wedding. I guess that's where this topic comes in...giving others control over one of the most important days of your life. Weird.

 

 

 

I agree with this completely. Small, intimate events can be just as special and elegant as larger ones. It's a matter of taste, really. I've never needed a large crowd around me. In fact, I am happiest when I am in a smaller circle of people who I know truly care about me. Other people enjoy the energy from large gatherings.

 

You sound exactly like me. Yep. That's my style too. The excessive nature of some of these weddings is just crass and over-the-top to me. The true meaning of the day gets lost, IMO. And frankly, I wouldn't be able to be myself with a bunch of people I've never seen or hardly see.But I think we're maybe in the minority, Chocolat.

 

One thing I know for sure... All the worrying the bride does about the gown (how many beads, what type of fabric, how long a train, whether to have a veil) and flowers, etc., is for naught. No one other than the bride could tell you what she wore even a week after the event (unless it was something truly shocking), nor what the flowers looked like. People care about the drink (was there enough) and food (was there enough and was it edible) and that's it. All the other nonsense is lost on 99.9% of the guests.

 

Very, very true.

[Star Gazer]

Been there..as have most of us. And you know what? It can feel that way because it IS that way. I mean why else would you invite people who have never met the bride and groom? It's ridiculous. And frankly, I don't get why the bride and groom would even want strangers at their wedding. I guess that's where this topic comes in...giving others control over one of the most important days of your life. Weird.

 

I agree with you, to an extent. If I end up having complete control over my future wedding, then I won't want strangers there.

 

But I guess that's why I asked this. Because for many parents (like my BF's parents), they want the people important to them there as well, even if they're not well known by the bride and groom. It is, afterall, a very important day for the parents too. For them, it's not just the bride a groom's day... it's a merging of families.

 

That's where I get torn. Is it all about the bride and groom, or is it more family oriented? Who decides? The ones getting married, or the ones paying?

[Touche]

Plenty of people can have large weddings without having to use credit or incur debt. Also, most often, the family (not the bride and groom) actually wants to pay... so why not let them?

 

I get that. I just don't know why anyone would WANT a very large and impersonal wedding...that's just me though. Why not let them pay? Because you have to give up control...not worth it in my book.

 

 

 

But your first ended in divorce. Kinda blows the theory away, doesn't it?

 

No it doesn't. My first, though small, took place at one of the most beautiful (and world famous) hotels in Palm Beach. It was small but pricey. So for MY situation, my theory holds.

 

As to your last post here...who decides? Well that's up to the bride and groom. If they want to have someone else pay, they have to be prepared to relinquish some control. If they are not prepared to relinquish some control,then they should be prepared to pay for it themselves.

 

To me, no question the wedding is about the bride and groom only. Not family. But that's me. And my H was like-minded. Not saying it's right or wrong.

 

Each couple has to decide for themselves how they want it all to go down.

[Touche]

I agree with you, to an extent. If I end up having complete control over my future wedding, then I won't want strangers there.

 

But see that's the kicker. You say "IF" you end up having complete control you don't want strangers. To me, there was never any other option than having complete control. That ONE day should be EXACTLY how you BOTH want it to be. Not how family wants it to be, IMO. But when you let family pay, you don't have all the say. I really see this as that black and white.

 

But I guess that's why I asked this. Because for many parents (like my BF's parents), they want the people important to them there as well, even if they're not well known by the bride and groom. It is, afterall, a very important day for the parents too. For them, it's not just the bride a groom's day... it's a merging of families.

 

That's where I get torn. Is it all about the bride and groom, or is it more family oriented? Who decides? The ones getting married, or the ones paying?

 

...........

[Lyssa]

My late mother used to say that my wedding would be a grand one as I am the only girl in the family - my father would probably want that for me but personally, I would love for a small one - just family, my favourite relatives and close friends. Now that my mother has passed on, I think my father would let me have whatever sort of wedding I want even though he'll be paying for it.

 

I don't want my wedding to be like my friends' weddings - most of them were full of old people - friends/associates of their parents. Last month, my best friend got married and there were about 250 guests there, only 50+ were friends of groom and bride!

[Touche]

Ok, let me put this another way. When a couple talks about their wedding, they refer to it as "our wedding." Right? Not "our families' wedding." See?

 

But when you have someone else footing the bill, to an extent, it becomes "our families' wedding" and no longer "our wedding." And that's the issue for me.

 

There are no "free lunches" in life. You can't have your (wedding?) cake and eat it too.

[Star Gazer]

As to your last post here...who decides? Well that's up to the bride and groom. If they want to have someone else pay, they have to be prepared to relinquish some control. If they are not prepared to relinquish some control,then they should be prepared to pay for it themselves.

 

Okay, now we're getting at my real question.

 

If parents pay, do you really have to give up control? Any amount of it? It's one thing to consider their wishes in light of their financial contribution, but do you really - ethically and etiquette-ly (I just made up a word! ) - have to give them any amount of actual control?

[Lyssa]

If parents pay, do you really have to give up control? Any amount of it? It's one thing to consider their wishes in light of their financial contribution, but do you really - ethically and etiquette-ly (I just made up a word! ) - have to give them any amount of actual control?

 

Is it a tradition over there for parents to pay?

 

For us, sons usually pay for their own wedding and parents pay for their daugther's wedding (it's just our tradition) and no, we don't give up control at all - not in my family anyway. My brothers' paid for their own weddings but they were nice enough to let my parents invite every single person they know!

 

I'm not contributing much into this thread, am I?

[Chocolat]

No it doesn't. My first, though small, took place at one of the most beautiful (and world famous) hotels in Palm Beach. It was small but pricey. So for MY situation, my theory holds.

 

Ooooh.. I think I know which one this is. I've been there and it is wonderful.

 

If parents pay, do you really have to give up control? Any amount of it? It's one thing to consider their wishes in light of their financial contribution, but do you really - ethically and etiquette-ly (I just made up a word! ) - have to give them any amount of actual control?

 

My take is that it is rude not to. You accept a gift --which is what you are getting when someone else pays for your wedding -- on the terms made by the giver. That is common etiquette.

[Star Gazer]

For us, sons usually pay for their own wedding and parents pay for their daugther's wedding (it's just our tradition) and no, we don't give up control at all - not in my family anyway.

 

Well now, that doesn't make sense. The son obviously marries a daughter, so... who pays? Both?

 

Here in the US, the "tradition" is for the bride's family bears the costs for most of the wedding and reception (a gross overstatement, but generally speaking), and the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner.

[Star Gazer]

My take is that it is rude not to. You accept a gift --which is what you are getting when someone else pays for your wedding -- on the terms made by the giver. That is common etiquette.

 

Really? Because etiquette to me says that the giver gives, without conditions.

 

"Here's a gift of $10,000.... BUT I get to decide how you spend it." <--- that doesn't make sense to me.

[Lyssa]

Well now, that doesn't make sense. The son obviously marries a daughter, so... who pays? Both?

 

Traditionally, we always have separate receptions. My brothers' paid for theirs. The day of the reception on the wife's side - her parents paid for it. The same will be for mine, my father will be paying for it. That's what I meant...

[Touche]

Okay, now we're getting at my real question.

 

If parents pay, do you really have to give up control? Any amount of it? It's one thing to consider their wishes in light of their financial contribution, but do you really - ethically and etiquette-ly (I just made up a word! ) - have to give them any amount of actual control?

 

Oh i just saw Chocolat's post. Again I agree with her 100%. It would be wrong to not take into account their wishes, since their paying for it all. In a perfect world the parents would say "Dear, we're paying for it all but it's your wedding and you and your fiance' make all the decisions." But we all know that that's not the way it goes down most of the time.

 

And if you don't comply with their wishes, maybe they won't pay.

 

The people paying have a different agenda sometimes.

 

My mom, when I married the first time, said that she wouldn't pay if we had our wedding in Florida (where WE lived.) And yes, Chocolat it was at the Breakers. She wanted us to have it where SHE lived...different state. I said no. We wanted it where we wanted it and we paid for it.

 

She maintained that if she's paying for it it should be where SHE thought it should be.

 

Maybe not ALL parents are that controlling about things but still, the bottom line is the same: You and fiance', to one degree or another, don't get to call ALL the shots on the most important day of your lives....something wrong with that picture in my book.

[Chocolat]

Really? Because etiquette to me says that the giver gives, without conditions.

 

"Here's a gift of $10,000.... BUT I get to decide how you spend it." <--- that doesn't make sense to me.

 

If they were handing you the money, I'd agree. But they're not. They are offering to pay for what amounts to a party and then being expected to bow out of some/all of the decisions about how to host that party.

 

If I buy you a sweater for your birthday, I don't expect to be told what color it should be, where I should buy it, what the fabric should be, etc. In fact, I suspect you would agree that it would be rude of you to do so. I'd go pick out a sweater and, hopefully, as someone who cares about you, I'd keep your tastes in mind as I did so. But I would not expect you to give me a list of demands.

[Star Gazer]

Traditionally, we always have separate receptions. My brothers' paid for theirs. The day of the reception on the wife's side - her parents paid for it. The same will be for mine, my father will be paying for it. That's what I meant...

 

Interesting. Where is that?

[Lyssa]

Interesting. Where is that?

 

Most countries in the South East Asia. We don't look like Asians at all but what I am proud of is that we still hold on strongly to our roots and traditions.