How much do parents get to control the wedding?

[sb129]

PS- and an engagement does not maketh a long, happy marriage! I am aware of that, and I think LB is too.

[Star Gazer]

You little pot-stirrer you! You're worse than SG!

 

Poooootttttttt, keeetttttttlllleeeeee.....

 

LB PM'd me, as well as some others I'm sure, about the engagement (before she announced it here publicly) and I never replied. Why? Because I really didn't know how to respond. I'm not a fake person. I just didn't know what to say.

 

I received the same message, long before the "surprise" proposal, detailing precisely when and where it would happen (and where it did and when it did happen). Unilke you, I did reply, and I'm sure you know exactly what I said.

 

What's etiquette-ly (I think that was SG's made up word) appropriate in situations like this? What if you think it's a mistake? Do you act like you think it's great?

 

If you don't support the marriage, do you still congratulate the couple and even attend their wedding? That's a tough one, isn't it?

 

That's a tough one. I suppose it depends on why you don't support the marriage. Are they cheating, or on crazy drugs, or abusive? I say stand up and SHOUT!!! But if it's just a matter of, "ehhhh, I don't think they're compatible," me thinks it's best to keep quiet - well, unless solicited for your opinion.

 

I still don't think my BFF and her now-H are right for each other, at least not as H and W. As their marriage evolves, I become more certain of it.

 

I remember the day she told me she was engaged. I was in Hawaii when he proposed, and the first person she called. She didn't leave a message, and waited for me to get back before showing me the ring (with him there). I've never really liked the guy, nor him me. We both think the other isn't good enough for her. Anyway, I did my best to act pleased, and did the whole, "If you're happy, I'm happy."

 

I was hysterical the night before the wedding. I thought it was the biggest mistake ever. I never actually communicated this to her, as she never asked for my opinion, and inherently knew how I felt about him. He wasn't for me, she thought, and that's why I didn't "get it." Anyway, as I left the day after the wedding, I got upset again... and she knew why. Without even speaking about it, she knew. And she said, "Whatever happens, you know I'll be okay in the end." And I know she will be. That's the only reason why I'm able to just go along with it. She's a rock.

[Trialbyfire]

I really don't think it disingenuous to wish someone happiness, even if you don't agree with the marriage. Unless you honestly dislike one or the other person, where there's good reason like abusive behaviour, why not support the person you care about? If you can't do that, you can either send a gift or just decline and leave it at that.

[Touche]

Weddings are like LS threads- someone will ALWAYS get their nose out of joint..

 

Very funny! And oh so true.

 

The people who did at my wedding were the extended family members that I barely see and who, had I had total control over the guest list, probably wouldn't even have been invited.

 

See? That's what I've been saying? Why not make sure you have total control over the guest list?

 

And the people that caused ructions at my dads funeral were distant relatives who I barely knew.

 

that's a shame...well hopefully you can forget all that now.

 

I agree with Touche a little on the whole extended family thing- i have had my fill of extended/ distant family enough for the next ten years.

 

I hear you!

 

Ah Touche- I am a little bored, and yes, am stirring the pot a little.

 

NOOOOO!

 

You have raised some good points- I don't know what you would do if you didn't agree with the wedding but you were invited.

 

My brothers fiancee isn't really my favourite person on the planet, and I really really hope they don't go through with their marriage- but at the moment they haven't made any plans and things aren't too crash hot in their house so heres hoping.

 

I guess I would have to suck it in and go and smile and nod for my mothers sake if they were to go through with it. Don't know- tough one.

 

As for LB- well..... I know the history as far as what she has posted on here.

I can't say I have a strong opinion either way TBH- either it will work out or it won't, but I am happy that she has got what she wanted in terms of an engagement. Lots of people said that even that would never happen.

 

Only time will tell whether some of the other predictions come true, and she is a work in progress (as we all are) after all.

 

Uhm, yes. True.

 

Poooootttttttt, keeetttttttlllleeeeee.....

 

oh shut up!

 

 

 

I received the same message, long before the "surprise" proposal, detailing precisely when and where it would happen (and where it did and when it did happen). Unilke you, I did reply, and I'm sure you know exactly what I said.

 

what do you mean you're sure I know how you replied? I have no idea what you said, SG. I can only guess, knowing you as I do.

 

 

 

That's a tough one. I suppose it depends on why you don't support the marriage. Are they cheating, or on crazy drugs, or abusive? I say stand up and SHOUT!!! But if it's just a matter of, "ehhhh, I don't think they're compatible," me thinks it's best to keep quiet - well, unless solicited for your opinion.

 

Good point, actually. You're right.

 

I still don't think my BFF and her now-H are right for each other, at least not as H and W. As their marriage evolves, I become more certain of it.

 

I remember the day she told me she was engaged. I was in Hawaii when he proposed, and the first person she called. She didn't leave a message, and waited for me to get back before showing me the ring (with him there). I've never really liked the guy, nor him me. We both think the other isn't good enough for her. Anyway, I did my best to act pleased, and did the whole, "If you're happy, I'm happy."

 

I was hysterical the night before the wedding. I thought it was the biggest mistake ever. I never actually communicated this to her, as she never asked for my opinion, and inherently knew how I felt about him. He wasn't for me, she thought, and that's why I didn't "get it." Anyway, as I left the day after the wedding, I got upset again... and she knew why. Without even speaking about it, she knew. And she said, "Whatever happens, you know I'll be okay in the end." And I know she will be. That's the only reason why I'm able to just go along with it. She's a rock.

 

Awww, good story. I guess I needed to hear that.

 

I really don't think it disingenuous to wish someone happiness, even if you don't agree with the marriage. Unless you honestly dislike one or the other person, where there's good reason like abusive behaviour, why not support the person you care about? If you can't do that, you can either send a gift or just decline and leave it at that.

 

Yes, I know you're right. You are. You've made me think.

[Touche]

Oh and LB, I wish you all the happiness in the world.

[Chocolat]

Yeah I suppose. I'm a little upset/disappointed because one of my bridesmaids found out she is pregnant and can't be in the wedding. So I'm a little on edge.

 

Huh? Is she an African Elephant by any chance? Their gestational period lasts 600+ days on average.

 

It just doesn't seem fair to force someone to pay for something, that you, as the bride and groom, want.

 

Well said and exactly why the bride and groom should cede some control to those paying for the wedding.

 

BTW, your cake sounds yummy.

[Trialbyfire]

BTW, your cake sounds yummy.

Thanks! I've had it before at a cousin's wedding, went nuts over it and have ordered it for our wedding. It's got a crumbly texture, where the outside crust is almost like a scone. If you've ever tried this European style of healthy baking, it just blows away anything made with white flour!

[Touche]

Huh? Is she an African Elephant by any chance? Their gestational period lasts 600+ days on average.

 

Holy Moly!...too effin' funny!

 

 

 

Well said and exactly why the bride and groom should cede some control to those paying for the wedding.

 

Agreed.

 

BTW, your cake sounds yummy.

 

Liar!

 

Thanks! I've had it before at a cousin's wedding, went nuts over it and have ordered it for our wedding. It's got a crumbly texture, where the outside crust is almost like a scone. If you've ever tried this European style of healthy baking, it just blows away anything made with white flour!

 

You mean a "crummy" texture?

 

I guess because I grew up with the "European" style of healthy baking, I find the "other" kind so delicious and enticing. The "white flour" was the treat for us since we weren't allowed to have it too often. It was the forbidden thing for us. So to me the wheat, etc, that I had to grow up with is not a treat.

[Trialbyfire]

You mean a "crummy" texture?

Haha...no...delicious!

 

I guess because I grew up with the "European" style of healthy baking, I find the "other" kind so delicious and enticing. The "white flour" was the treat for us since we weren't allowed to have it too often. It was the forbidden thing for us. So to me the wheat, etc, that I had to grow up with is not a treat.

That could be it. I'm nuts about it though. It's not like the North American style of baking with whole wheat. It's almost scone like but not dry, still moist, since they use organic/farm eggs with the deep yellow yoke. To die for...mmm...wish I had some right now for dessert.

[sb129]

Its not really floating my boat at the moment sorry TBF.

 

I am all about full fat and full sugar versions of things at the moment (if I indulge my cravings).

 

Haven't been too bad of late- can't get enough kiwifruit for some weird reason I used to hate the things.

[Trialbyfire]

So Junior's craving Kiwis? That's hilarious, considering where you live.

[sb129]

Yes, and I actually live in the biggest kiwi growing region of kiwi-land. And they are still in season.

 

So they are in plentiful supply, which is good.

[Touche]

SB, for some reason grapes and avocados were huge cravings with me. Huge.

 

And TBF, I know what you crave/like is great and great for you but to this day I still look at those things as well...not my favorites. I just can't look at what i grew up having to eat as "treats."

[sb129]

SB, for some reason grapes and avocados were huge cravings with me. Huge.

 

How huge is "huge"? HUGE or just Huge?

[Touche]

How huge is "huge"? HUGE or just Huge?

 

Huge as in you can see my HUGE cravings across a room.

[subdued]

I think that if the parents pay, then the couple does need to give up some control. The person who pays should be able to decide whether or not their money is being well spent, after all it is their money, and it is a lot of money at that.

 

I had hardly any money when my daughter and her finance wanted to get married, and they wanted to get married quickly. I wanted them to have a wedding and not get married in a court house; so I asked my daughter and her finance what they wanted. They knew that I didn't have enough money to pay for everything. So they tried to keep costs down, and I paid for what I could afford, which was:

 

Daughter's wedding dress and matching shoes.

 

Chapel two-hour rental fee and minister's fee.

 

Fabric for the bride's maids dresses. My younger daughter, who was one of the bride's maids, made the dresses, using the infinity pattern. They turned out beautiful.

 

Shoes to match the dresses.

 

I couldn't afford the price for the restaurant that my older daughter and her finance wanted to host the party in. So I asked my mom. She had previously volunteered to pay for something. She paid for the dinner party.

 

I offered to pay for the groom's tux, but his dad did too. His dad paid for it.

 

Flowers arrangements and buttonaires. My younger daughter selected the flowers and made all the flower arrangements plus the buttonaires. I paid for the flowers and the table rental so that my daughter could make the flowers.

 

By this time, I didn't have any money left for the cake. My daughter's finance's family paid for it.

 

My daughter's finance's brother plays in an orchestra. He played at the wedding.

 

I spent about $3,000 and my mom $2000. My older daughter had a lovely wedding. The couple was so happy. I will always remember their wedding day.

[subdued]

It seems that only the last post is editable. I forgot to mention bouquets. My younger daughter made the bride's maids and bride's bouquets.

 

Weddings aren't meaningless and materialistic. The ceremony is not trivial.

 

Weddings are happy occasions that bind the couple.

 

My first wedding was great. There was no let down after it was over.

 

I married a Chinese man and wanted to have a Chinese wedding. He made all the arrangements and paid for everything, except for my wedding dress, which my mom paid for.

 

We got married in his best friend's house. We invited only relatives and close friends to the ceremony. I got married in a red Chinese wedding dress.

 

We then went to the gardens and took photos.

 

After wards, we held a dinner party at a fancy Chinese restaurant for all of our friends and relatives.

 

The most expensive part of the wedding was the dinner party.

 

Our marriage lasted 16 years.

 

I have my next wedding all planned out.

 

This time I'm not marrying someone who is Chinese. I'd like to wear a white dress. I already bought a really beautiful one from Macy's for $200. I would like to get married in a beach front property in Santa Cruz. I figure we can rent the beach house for the weekend. It is not that expensive. I would like to fill the house with orchids, bought from nearby food stores the day before the wedding. I'll make the bouquet myself--one made of white roses with long green fillers. After the wedding, my boyfriend will give a hike. He loves to give hikes. After we get back from the hike, I plan to dance for my husband (and guests too of course) while dinner is being cooked and served. I've been taking Indian dance lessons for a few years now. We'll have an outdoor BBQ party at the beach house. I also bought a chocolate fountain for the occasion. And of course there is the cake. I'll make the wedding cake the day before the wedding (I've been taking cake decoration classes).

 

Of course, the most important thing is that it doesn't rain that weekend. It rarely rains in California during the summer months, and when it does it is usually just at night and it's just a drizzle.

 

I figure the wedding will cost about $5,000.

[Chocolat]

Thanks! I've had it before at a cousin's wedding, went nuts over it and have ordered it for our wedding. It's got a crumbly texture, where the outside crust is almost like a scone. If you've ever tried this European style of healthy baking, it just blows away anything made with white flour!

 

I do all my baking with whole grains. And no, I won't eat anything that has the texture of dirt.

 

Liar!

 

 

Not me - I call 'em like I see 'em. Or have the good sense to shut up (not too often! )

 

p.s. I used to stop on my way home from school to buy an avocado each day. Huge cravings! (It has to be a Haas avocado, not one of those awful Florida ones.)

[Lauriebell82]

Putting this thread back on topic, I think that parents probably are just trying to help. We sat down with my parents and came up with a realistic budget that would work for us all.

 

Big wedding or not, it takes compromise especially if the parents are paying!

 

Oh I never answered questions question about my bridesmaid. She can't do it because she doesn't have a lot of money and she lives about 5 hours away. She doesn't have health insurance either so she needs to get some kind of public medical assistance for that. She also needs to save money for her baby and all so I completely understand. She's so excited to so I'm happy for her. And so I asked my cousin and she was so thrilled!!

[Star Gazer]

Touche - you'll appreciate this.

 

My BF and I are going to a wedding this weekend, and he forgot to purchase a gift (they're his peeps, not mine). I was perusing their registry, and was appalled to find that they had registered for a down comforter that is almost $800! EIGHT HUNDRED! As for their other gifts, I don't see any that are less than $100. Ridiculous!

[Touche]

Touche - you'll appreciate this.

 

My BF and I are going to a wedding this weekend, and he forgot to purchase a gift (they're his peeps, not mine). I was perusing their registry, and was appalled to find that they had registered for a down comforter that is almost $800! EIGHT HUNDRED! As for their other gifts, I don't see any that are less than $100. Ridiculous!

 

Wow, what chutzpah! I can't believe people are this crass. Un-be-lievable. You know that speaks volumes about these people. Really. What did your BF think? Hope he didn't cave in and buy into that kind of thing.

 

You know how I feel about those registry things but if I were to do it I'd at least have the class to have gifts in all price ranges....sheesh. Oh and I for sure wouldn't have anything that was $800! It's not only rude and tacky and declasse', it's extremely presumptuous! Ugh.

[Lauriebell82]

Touche - you'll appreciate this.

 

My BF and I are going to a wedding this weekend, and he forgot to purchase a gift (they're his peeps, not mine). I was perusing their registry, and was appalled to find that they had registered for a down comforter that is almost $800! EIGHT HUNDRED! As for their other gifts, I don't see any that are less than $100. Ridiculous!

 

Wow, that's nuts!!! Where are they registered? Must be somewhere really expensive. That's why I'm planning on registering atTarget..

[sb129]

Ok only thing I can say in defence of the couple who put down comforter on their list is that I have been to weddings where a group of friends will put in $100 each and get the couple something "bigger" rather than lots of smaller, cheaper gifts.

 

We did this with one couple who we knew wanted a particular kind of free-standing mirror, but it was too expensive for us to get on our own so we pitched in with a few other couples. We also did the same for another couple who wanted a BBQ etc etc.

 

BUT BUT BUT! NOT putting cheaper, more affordable gifts on the registry is rude IMO.

 

At recent weddings I have been to I have bought vouchers for certain stores(or for the store they have their register at), or have just gone completely off the register and bought something like a yearly magazine subscription or something like that.

 

So don't worry if people don't want to buy stuff off your register- if they don't, they wont- its not like you can tell them off for it!

 

One thing I noticed about receiving wedding gifts is some people are very very generous and others are not so generous- and its often not who you expect. Some people don't even buy a gift- and there is nothing you can do about it.

Good wedding etiquette dictates you must thank each and every person who gave you a gift- regardless of what the gift was.......

[D-Lish]

Sometimes putting big ticket prices on a registry is a way to encourage the gift of cash. People will also put a limited amount of items on a registry to hint they want cash.

 

When I got married my parents were paying for the wedding, but my mother-in-law was the one making all the demands. What guests she wanted, what month she wanted, what religion she wanted us to be united under, music, invitations... It was a nightmare. When she didn't get what she wanted she simply went behind our back and handed out photo-copied invitations to the people she wanted to be there. Yeah, she was pretty much a psycho.

 

SG, I am not surprised to hear your bf's fiance is already planning... I had friends that kept wedding scrap books- even when single:eek:.

 

I have to admit when I saw your thread I thought you were announcing your engagement!

[Trialbyfire]

Touche - you'll appreciate this.

 

My BF and I are going to a wedding this weekend, and he forgot to purchase a gift (they're his peeps, not mine). I was perusing their registry, and was appalled to find that they had registered for a down comforter that is almost $800! EIGHT HUNDRED! As for their other gifts, I don't see any that are less than $100. Ridiculous!

It's okay to put high-end gifts on your registry for immediate family, if they're that way inclined. But it's tasteless not to put gifts from one end of the spectrum, to the other.