How much do parents get to control the wedding?

[allina]

You don't have to own one, but you should have a home... your own space as a couple to make into a real home, not a tiny apartment.

 

Your wedding expenses should not be impacting your living arrangements like that. It sounds like your priorities are a little... off, as though the wedding is more important than the marriage.

 

That's interesting SG, I think that no matter which way a couple goes there will be nay-sayers and people who think they should have done the opposite.

 

As you know, my SO and I have decided to purchase a home. In order to do so, maintain enough savings and still live comfortably we have pushed back an official engagement/marriage. While I haven't received too much grief about our decision I have had a couple people make comments to me like "he should marry you first" and so on.

 

My opinion is that buying a house now is a great opportunity and when you can buy a house where I live, in your 20s you do it. Not having endless resources, we chose to do the house first. I would love to get married this year but it might have to wait, and I'm ok with that.

 

I guess I'm also less in to weddings. If I had it my way we'd elope, quick and easy. But truth be told, I'll be thrilled to marry him whenever, wherever. I'd be thrilled to elope tomorrow, I'd be thrilled to have a "proper" wedding next year.

 

People tend to be pretty set in their ideals and priorities.

[Lauriebell82]

Well, to each their own I suppose.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting a wedding and buying a house. I don't feel my priorities are off at all. But ya know, justifying what I want and don't want is kind of stupid ya know?

 

But this thread doesn't revolve around me, so in general speaking terms I am going to say that priorities are different for others as well as preferences for weddings. Big wedding, small wedding, whatever. The important thing is that you are getting married. But that's just an opinion.

[Touche]

Well, to each their own I suppose.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting a wedding and buying a house. I don't feel my priorities are off at all. But ya know, justifying what I want and don't want is kind of stupid ya know?

 

But this thread doesn't revolve around me, so in general speaking terms I am going to say that priorities are different for others as well as preferences for weddings. Big wedding, small wedding, whatever. The important thing is that you are getting married. But that's just an opinion.

 

I pretty much agreed with your whole post but this confused me:

 

Nothing wrong with wanting a wedding and buying a house

 

Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting a wedding AND buying a house, LB.

 

Hell, there'd be nothing wrong with me wanting a HUGE 15 year anniversary party next year AND a villa in Italy, right? But come on, that would be just stupid for us as we're putting money away for our retirement.

 

It's a matter of instant gratification vs. long-term happiness. And sure some wealthy souls, can have both right away. And I applaud them. But most of us, have to decide between the two.

 

No one is saying it's wrong to WANT anything...it's great to dream...we're talking about REALITY here. Some of us can't afford a big wedding AND a house. We're talking about priorities in entering into a marriage.

 

Some will choose the one day big wedding, and others will choose a nice home to start the marriage off in.

 

To each their own as you say.

[Trialbyfire]

To inject a little, on behalf of Lauriebelle, she's much younger than SG, Touche and myself. It's not impossible that she will have her house by the time she's in her thirties or even before.

 

I don't disagree that the money for a big wedding could be put to better use, IF it's needed elsewhere.

[Touche]

To inject a little, on behalf of Lauriebelle, she's much younger than SG, Touche and myself. It's not impossible that she will have her house by the time she's in her thirties or even before.

 

I don't disagree that the money for a big wedding could be put to better use, IF it's needed elsewhere.

 

I agree with everything you said, however when a person who is about to be married states that they have a problem when it comes to lack of room to put their wedding gifts..well, in my world I'd ask "What's wrong with this picture?"

 

You get me?

 

I mean we're not talking about a young couple wondering about room for a couch or a grand piano or a coffee table, for heaven's sakes! We're talking about a newlywed wondering where she's going to put her wedding gifts! What are we talking about here? Some wrapped up boxes right?

 

YIKES!

 

That tells me they're really packed in like sardines.

 

And if it were me, I'd rather have a nice roomy house or condo...rented or bought, before I'd have the big fancy "princess" wedding.

 

As we all know, THAT'S going to have more of an impact on the marriage in the end, than the wedding day will.

 

Or maybe that's just me...

[Star Gazer]

Allina - see, you're actually someone who I had in mind when thinking of couples who have their priorities in order. Sounds to me like you two are setting yourself up for domestic bliss!!

 

Keep in mind though, I really don't have an opinion on timing of marriage vs. having a home. My focus is on what a couple chooses to spend money on (wedding first), and where their monetary priorities are, and the resulting impact it has on the marriage.

[Touche]

Allina - see, you're actually someone who I had in mind when thinking of couples who have their priorities in order. Sounds to me like you two are setting yourself up for domestic bliss!!

 

Keep in mind though, I really don't have an opinion on timing of marriage vs. having a home. My focus is on what a couple chooses to spend money on (wedding first), and where their monetary priorities are, and the resulting impact it has on the marriage.

 

Why wouldn't you have an opinion on timing of marriage vs. having a home? Doesn't that go to where a couple chooses to spend their money and where their priorities lie as well as the resulting impact it has on the marriage?

[norajane]

I agree with everything you said, however when a person who is about to be married states that they have a problem when it comes to lack of room to put their wedding gifts..well, in my world I'd ask "What's wrong with this picture?"

 

You get me?

 

I mean we're not talking about a young couple wondering about room for a couch or a grand piano or a coffee table, for heaven's sakes! We're talking about a newlywed wondering where she's going to put her wedding gifts! What are we talking about here? Some wrapped up boxes right?

 

YIKES!

 

That tells me they're really packed in like sardines.

 

That tells me they don't really NEED any of those wedding gifts!

[Star Gazer]

No, Touche. A MARRIAGE is different than a WEDDING.

 

My opinion is limited to where a couple's priorities are: are they on ONE DAY (wedding), or building a life together (home)? I think where a couple spends their money is indicative of their relationship goals: right now (instant gratification) or FOREVER...?

[Touche]

That tells me they don't really NEED any of those wedding gifts!

 

Well there's something they don't need, that's for sure.( Me thinks it's the huge princess wedding.)

 

[Touche]

No, Touche. A MARRIAGE is different than a WEDDING.

 

My opinion is limited to where a couple's priorities are: are they on ONE DAY (wedding), or building a life together (home)? I think where a couple spends their money is indicative of their relationship goals: right now (instant gratification) or FOREVER...?

 

I guess I was using the two terms interchangeably...but yeah, I get it.

 

As for the rest, uhm yep. That's exactly what I've been trying to say from the beginning. And you echoed exactly what I've said.

[Storyrider]

Huge weddings are horrible for the state of marriage. I'm convinced there would be fewer divorces if it weren't for these monstrous weddings. They're designed to do one thing-- and that is get the couple invested in the big day to the point where it seems impossible to back out of the marriage. They have a momentum of their own, and once you get caught in it, you often keep going no matter what.

 

(I didn't read the whole thread, so sorry if someone already said this.)

[Touche]

Huge weddings are horrible for the state of marriage. I'm convinced there would be fewer divorces if it weren't for these monstrous weddings. They're designed to do one thing-- and that is get the couple invested in the big day to the point where it seems impossible to back out of the marriage. They have a momentum of their own, and once you get caught in it, you often keep going no matter what.

 

(I didn't read the whole thread, so sorry if someone already said this.)

 

Uhm, yep. You got it, honey. That's part of my theory.

[Trialbyfire]

Honestly ladies, I don't buy into the theory. No wedding is going to make me do anything I don't want to do, regardless of size. If for some reason, something goes terribly wrong before the wedding, I'd call it off in a heart beat. Nothing stops me from doing what needs to be done.

[Touche]

Honestly ladies, I don't buy into the theory. No wedding is going to make me do anything I don't want to do, regardless of size. If for some reason, something goes terribly wrong before the wedding, I'd call it off in a heart beat. Nothing stops me from doing what needs to be done.

 

Uhm, okaaayyy.

 

So how does the above go against my theory?

[Trialbyfire]

Uhm, okaaayyy.

 

So how does the above go against my theory?

Refer to post 262 and 263. You've acknowledged that it's part of your theory.

[Touche]

Let me clarify.

 

Couples who have huge weddings don't know and aren't aware of the fact that they're making a huge mistake while they're making it.

 

It's only when it becomes too late that they realize the truth.

[Storyrider]

I believe you, tbf. But many are more easily influenced (both men and women). The Jupiter-sized wedding has enough gravity to suck you into the marriage whether it feels right or not.

 

Think about it...dozens of people traveling from out of town. Music, catering, flowers, deposits on reception rooms, the dress. Your mother. The expectations of 150+ people?

[norajane]

The expectations of 150+ people?

 

Honestly, 100-125 of those people really don't care.

[Trialbyfire]

Let me clarify.

 

Couples who have huge weddings don't know and aren't aware of the fact that they're making a huge mistake while they're making it.

 

It's only when it becomes too late that they realize the truth.

Have you ever had a huge wedding? I already have one under my belt. This one will be bigger, albeit not my choice. He's no mistake. We can well afford this wedding on our own without parental help. That they choose to pay for it, is a drop in the bucket for them. We both have no debt, own our own homes and have money put aside for retirement. We both have businesses or are a partner.

 

So your big wedding, failed marriage, priorities aside, all that crap, isn't applicable to us.

 

Look at your first tiny wedding. Your marriage also failed. Mine failed too and it was a sizeable wedding. It means dick.

 

If people can't be fiscally responsible, it has nothing to do with wedding size and everything to do with over-spending habits. It's like saying that because someone has 40 pairs of shoes, their marriage will fail.

[Storyrider]

Honestly, 100-125 of those people really don't care.

 

:laugh: NJ, I'm sure that's true, but as the bride that isn't necessarily your perception.

[Storyrider]

Have you ever had a huge wedding? I already have one under my belt. This one will be bigger, albeit not my choice. He's no mistake. We can well afford this wedding on our own without parental help. That they choose to pay for it, is a drop in the bucket for them. We both have no debt, own our own homes and have money put aside for retirement. We both have businesses or are a partner.

 

So your big wedding, failed marriage, priorities aside, all that crap, isn't applicable to us.

 

Look at your first tiny wedding. Your marriage also failed. Mine failed too and it was a sizeable wedding. It means dick.

 

If people can't be fiscally responsible, it has nothing to do with wedding size and everything to do with over-spending habits. It's like saying that because someone has 40 pairs of shoes, their marriage will fail.

That isn't what I'm saying. The big wedding doesn't cause the marriage to fail. But it does make it harder to back out. By definition. If you were having 40 people over to your house for wine and cheese with a JP, it would be easier to back out.

[Trialbyfire]

That isn't what I'm saying. The big wedding doesn't cause the marriage to fail. But it does make it harder to back out. By definition. If you were having 40 people over to your house for wine and cheese with a JP, it would be easier to back out.

If I were to back out, a thousand people wouldn't make a difference. I mean it. There's no way in hell I would go through with something I'm not certain about, particularly the second time around.

[Storyrider]

If I were to back out, a thousand people wouldn't make a difference. I mean it. There's no way in hell I would go through with something I'm not certain about, particularly the second time around.

I'm glad to hear it. But I don't think that's the case for everyone.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm glad to hear it. But I don't think that's the case for everyone.

Well, here's one live proof of someone it's meaningless to. I suspect there are plenty where that came from if you consider how many brides and grooms have been left at the altar.