How much do parents get to control the wedding?

[Storyrider]

Even thinking of recent marrieds and soon-to-be-marrieds on LS. Some are clearly focused on the relationship, others are much more interested in the wedding and associated trappings, and *have never been 100% certain about the person*.

[Trialbyfire]

Even thinking of recent marrieds and soon-to-be-marrieds on LS. Some are clearly focused on the relationship, others are much more interested in the wedding and associated trappings, and *have never been 100% certain about the person*.

Say what you mean Story. List them.

[Lyssa]

Reading this thread is stressing me out!

 

And we haven't even talked much about our wedding!

[Trialbyfire]

Reading this thread is stressing me out!

 

And we haven't even talked much about our wedding!

This is a stressful thread but our wedding isn't stressful. Weird huh?

[Storyrider]

Say what you mean Story. List them.

I'm not talking about you, TBF, I promise. Beyond that, I don't feel the need to name names.

 

I'm talking about people who have needed constant reassurance about the state of their relationship and their choice of partner right up until the proposal. That is a case where I would advise someone to think twice.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not talking about you, TBF, I promise. Beyond that, I don't feel the need to name names.

 

I'm talking about people who have needed constant reassurance about the state of their relationship and their choice of partner right up until the proposal. That is a case where I would advise someone to think twice.

While I understand where you're coming from, the only problem is that people have to learn some things on their own. No amount of advice will change someone else's mind, if they're set on proceeding. And, for that matter, even some of the marriages that have lasted on LS, seem to be a lot of work, at least from my perspective.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that it takes all kinds to make the world go round. There are no guarantees in life. Maybe this kind of difficult relationship is the kind that keeps the home fires burning for certain people. I honestly can't say. I do know it's not for me and that's the only certainty I can honestly state.

[Storyrider]

While I understand where you're coming from, the only problem is that people have to learn some things on their own. No amount of advice will change someone else's mind, if they're set on proceeding. And, for that matter, even some of the marriages that have lasted on LS, seem to be a lot of work, at least from my perspective.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that it takes all kinds to make the world go round. There are no guarantees in life. Maybe this kind of difficult relationship is the kind that keeps the home fires burning for certain people. I honestly can't say. I do know it's not for me and that's the only certainty I can honestly state.

 

Hmm...well sure, some marriages last way beyond their shelf life. I don't disagree with you there. And if you're referring to mine, it could certainly be argued that that is the case.

 

I'm just saying that for modern society, I personally don't believe that huge weddings are a plus. I do worry that it would be a factor for my own daughters. I wouldn't want them to marry the wrong guy for the sake of a 10,000 dollar deposit. But if my own mother has anything to say about it, they will have big weddings and their grandma will offer to pay.

 

I would never have a big wedding again, but that is easy to say once you've done it.

[Trialbyfire]

Hmm...well sure, some marriages last way beyond their shelf life. I don't disagree with you there. And if you're referring to mine, it could certainly be argued that that is the case.

I wasn't referring to yours, just marriages in general on this site, from reading threads, etc.

 

I'm just saying that for modern society, I personally don't believe that huge weddings are a plus. I do worry that it would be a factor for my own daughters. I wouldn't want them to marry the wrong guy for the sake of a 10,000 dollar deposit. But if my own mother has anything to say about it, they will have big weddings and their grandma will offer to pay.

Let's hope that your daughters have enough common sense that they're not going into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. I'm guessing you're going to instill in them, as a parent, what matters.

 

I would never have a big wedding again, but that is easy to say once you've done it.

I didn't think I would have a big wedding again but this wedding isn't for us. It's for our mothers, so let them be happy. It's only one day for us to suffer through. In the interim, while they've been pushy, we're more than able to rein them in. For that matter, neither mother is stupid enough to push us, since we'd elope, if it came to that.

[Lyssa]

This is a stressful thread but our wedding isn't stressful. Weird huh?

 

How about your mother and soon to be MIL? My late mother was stressful when she planned my brothers' weddings. We had to get her blood pressure checked at all times! I wish she'd be around for mine :love:.

 

That said - I do not want a big wedding, never wanted a big one. I want my wedding to be one where we have our family and close friends there - that's all I know for now. Oh it's going to be white.. or maybe lilac.

[Trialbyfire]

How about your mother and soon to be MIL? My late mother was stressful when she planned my brothers' weddings. We had to get her blood pressure checked at all times! I wish she'd be around for mine :love:.

 

That said - I do not want a big wedding, never wanted a big one. I want my wedding to be one where we have our family and close friends there - that's all I know for now. Oh it's going to be white.. or maybe lilac.

Haha...Momzilla One, which is my mother, has been using the original energy she piled onto my Dad from his cancer surgery, onto my wedding. So, it's technically been a win/win. My Dad keeps thanking us for getting her off his back.

 

As for my MIL-to-be, she seems okay, albeit nattering a bit at S. but he's taking it well, rolling his eyes and doing the guy thing. He does this imitation of her that's hilarious. And he does it in front of her! You can see that she's fighting between annoyance and bursting out laughing. The latter always wins out.

[Touche]

Have you ever had a huge wedding?

 

Of course not. Do I look that stupid to you?

 

I already have one under my belt. This one will be bigger, albeit not my choice.

 

That's your first mistake. If your own wedding isn't up to you, well I'd wonder about the marriage. Your wedding should be up to you and your husband to be. Not your family. You say the size and scope of your wedding isn't your choice. Why not? Why do you accept that? I suspect I have the answer.

 

Wouldn't work for me ... I can't be bought in any way, shape or form.

 

He's no mistake. We can well afford this wedding on our own without parental help. That they choose to pay for it, is a drop in the bucket for them. We both have no debt, own our own homes and have money put aside for retirement. We both have businesses or are a partner.

 

I admire that. But what I admire even more are people who have integrity and who are true to themselves....regardless of the financial aspect.

 

Well that's great. So then you have no excuse to not have full control over your wedding. But yet you choose to give up that control in order to save a few bucks.

 

Not me, honey.

 

So your big wedding, failed marriage, priorities aside, all that crap, isn't applicable to us.

 

Look at your first tiny wedding. Your marriage also failed. Mine failed too and it was a sizeable wedding. It means dick.

 

 

 

If people can't be fiscally responsible, it has nothing to do with wedding size and everything to do with over-spending habits. It's like saying that because someone has 40 pairs of shoes, their marriage will fail.

 

 

...........................

[Trialbyfire]

Touche, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You think this is about a few measley dollars? Maybe in your world, money means everything. In mine, what's a day of making two mothers happy v. the rest of our lives and a few cents.

 

We're being true to our sense of family. Do you understand what that means?

[Touche]

I wasn't referring to yours, just marriages in general on this site, from reading threads, etc.

 

Let's hope that your daughters have enough common sense that they're not going into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. I'm guessing you're going to instill in them, as a parent, what matters.

 

I didn't think I would have a big wedding again but this wedding isn't for us. It's for our mothers, so let them be happy. It's only one day for us to suffer through. In the interim, while they've been pushy, we're more than able to rein them in. For that matter, neither mother is stupid enough to push us, since we'd elope, if it came to that.

 

Touche, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You think this is about a few measley dollars? Maybe in your world, money means everything. In mine, what's a day of making two mothers happy v. the rest of our lives and a few cents.

 

We're being true to our sense of family. Do you understand what that means?

 

Believe it or not, I really do.

 

Sorry, I'm not buying it. If this is really about your two mothers, great. But sorry, in my view the couple getting married should call the shots on the wedding day..not the mothers.

 

This is a second marriage for both of you.

 

I think that's all I'll say.

[Trialbyfire]

Believe it or not, I really do.

 

Sorry, I'm not buying it. If this is really about your two mothers, great. But sorry, in my view the couple getting married should call the shots on the wedding day..not the mothers.

 

This is a second marriage for both of you.

 

I think that's all I'll say.

You and I obviously value different things in life. I value my family. He values his family. The actual ceremony is meaningful to us. The reception is meaningless to us.

 

We're not control freaks. We're both fine with what's going on. That it doesn't fit your narrow little world, is fine also.

 

You've never been part of a large and loving family. I think that's the difference in perception.

[Touche]

You and I obviously value different things in life. I value my family. He values his family. The actual ceremony is meaningful to us. The reception is meaningless to us.

 

Who said anything about the reception? WTF? Clearly, you don't get me.

 

We're not control freaks. We're both fine with what's going on. That it doesn't fit your narrow little world, is fine also.

 

I get it. Of course you're not control freaks. Of course you're fine with what's going on. When someone else pays the bill you have no choice.

 

You've never been part of a large and loving family. I think that's the difference in perception.

 

Yeah, that's it! LOL!

[Trialbyfire]

Our ceremony will be before a JP, with less than 30 people present, which is our choice.

 

The reception is for the mothers.

[Touche]

Our ceremony will be before a JP, with less than 30 people present, which is our choice.

 

The reception is for the mothers.

 

Gotcha. Sounds perfect.

[sb129]

Fair enough. If you all want to chip in, FANTASTIC! That's a great idea, too. I suppose I just expect those sorts of big ticket items to be left off a registry, that ALL guests will be viewing.

 

Yeah, but I think the general idea in our friends cases is they were put on there in case people decided to chip in together- we did that off our own bats rather than being told by the couple..

 

"Jack and Jill have put a down comforter on their list- maybe we should go in with Bob and Sally and some others and buy it for them if thats what they really want"

 

vs

 

"Hey Sally, Jack and I really want a down comforter, we were wondering if maybe you and Bob could round up some others to get it for us?"

 

And I'm not saying this is LB's situation but I STRONGLY advise against starting a marriage off with debt. Just throwing that out there.

 

Same here. Which is why we had a work and savings plan in place before we even got engaged to allow us to save for a house and pay for part of our wedding (including honeymoon).

 

That isn't what I'm saying. The big wedding doesn't cause the marriage to fail. But it does make it harder to back out. By definition. If you were having 40 people over to your house for wine and cheese with a JP, it would be easier to back out.

 

Hmmm. I can see why some people would still go through with it out of fear of upsetting people etc, in fact I know some people who have done that.

Personally, doubt didn't ever feature, but if it had, I would like to think I would have been strong enough to call of the wedding if I had thought it was necessary.

 

. In mine, what's a day of making two mothers happy v. the rest of our lives and a few cents.

We're being true to our sense of family. Do you understand what that means?

 

I absolutely do know what that means, however it only really became fully applicable to our wedding in hindsight.

My family paid for a big chunk of ours, Wonderboys family paid for some of it too, we paid for a not insignificant part of it too- most decisions were made after a discussion between me and WB and my parents.

The decisions that involved the parts that WBs parents were paying for we discussed with them.

 

It was all pretty civilised really- I can't remember it getting out of hand too much, and to me our wedding was perfect. We didn't go OTT though- and some brides certainly can. I remember someone giving me a catalogue with all the monogrammed stuff you can get done (Clocks??? with SB and WB 3.1.09 Love forever... etc WTF?) and personalised confetti, goody bags etc etc etc.... we read it for a laugh but never considered buying anything from it!

[Chocolat]

Even thinking of recent marrieds and soon-to-be-marrieds on LS. Some are clearly focused on the relationship, others are much more interested in the wedding and associated trappings, and *have never been 100% certain about the person*.

 

 

Amen.

 

This is part of the theory.

[Touche]

I see the "theory" is catching on around here.

 

In other news, I just wanted to say that I really, really don't want to piss anyone off. I'm talking particularly to LB and TBF. I sincerely wish you guys the absolute best. I know I can be annoying with my theories and what not. I just have strong opinions on things but every couple should do what's right for THEM. I really am not as judgmental as you might think.

 

Anyway, I apologize if I've upset you guys in any way.

 

The most important thing is that you have a great wedding day and an even greater marriage.

 

I think this discussion is a very interesting one. I'm just afraid it was crossing over into getting personal and I really don't want to contribute to that anymore than I already have.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with Touche in that this is a very interesting discussion, and shouldn't be taken personally by anyone.

 

That said, I don't think TBF's situation is really applicable to Touche's theory, or mine. She and her fiance have more than enough money to spend on a large wedding RIGHT NOW, without having to save or sacrafice other things, like a home. In addition, she's "meeting in the middle" with her momzillas, keeping the ceremony small (as she wishes) and letting them have the big reception that they want.

 

To clarify what I was saying, a wedding, in and of itself, does nothing for the marriage. So when a couple only has enough money for one thing, that one thing, in my humble opinion, shouldn't be a large one-day event (like an expensive wedding), but something that will actually help the couple's relationship flourish and grow (i.e., a home).

 

Now, of course a couple can have both a wedding and a home. All I'm saying is that if the couple has to prioritize the two, it seems the most prudent thing to do is to save for the home first, not the wedding (like in Allina's case). If the couple wants to be married before making a home together (because of traditional values or something), but only have limited funds available, I would suggest that they have a small, inexpensive wedding, and put the majority of their funds towards their home together.

 

I also think there's a big difference between letting momzillas have their way, and becoming a bridezilla yourself, fretting over each and every detail of a princess wedding. TBF clearly isn't going to be a bridezilla, and neither was SB.

[norajane]

the most prudent thing to do

 

Ah, but emotions run high surrounding weddings for lots of couples, with visions of lace canopies and Jordan almonds running through their heads. I'm sure a lot of wedding decisions are made based on emotions and what the bride has been planning since she was 10. Romance and prudence don't always mix well.

[Trialbyfire]

I absolutely do know what that means, however it only really became fully applicable to our wedding in hindsight.

My family paid for a big chunk of ours, Wonderboys family paid for some of it too, we paid for a not insignificant part of it too- most decisions were made after a discussion between me and WB and my parents.

The decisions that involved the parts that WBs parents were paying for we discussed with them.

 

It was all pretty civilised really- I can't remember it getting out of hand too much, and to me our wedding was perfect. We didn't go OTT though- and some brides certainly can. I remember someone giving me a catalogue with all the monogrammed stuff you can get done (Clocks??? with SB and WB 3.1.09 Love forever... etc WTF?) and personalised confetti, goody bags etc etc etc.... we read it for a laugh but never considered buying anything from it!

Well that's just it. It's not allowing it to get out of hand or taking it too seriously, when everything isn't perfect.

 

We've shut down the Momzillas enough times over little things, like fru-fru invitations and silly bridal party outfits. Plain, plain, plain and elegant. They get it so we allow them the license to do what they will, with the reception...within reason...

 

As it stands, I'm tempted to show up in jeans, just to jack with them!

[Star Gazer]

Ah, but emotions run high surrounding weddings for lots of couples, with visions of lace canopies and Jordan almonds running through their heads. I'm sure a lot of wedding decisions are made based on emotions and what the bride has been planning since she was 10. Romance and prudence don't always mix well.

 

Agreed. However, if a couple (er, bride) cannot see beyond the "romance" of the event or the visions of the wedding she had planned before he even proposed, to what's best for her marriage... If she's putting 500 cala lillies, the embossed font on the $5/each invitations, and a Monique Lhuillier gown ahead of their home together ...

 

(you can finish the sentence )

[Star Gazer]

We've shut down the Momzillas enough times over little things, like fru-fru invitations and silly bridal party outfits. Plain, plain, plain and elegant.

 

Ha! I can only imagine what a fru-fru invitation looks like!

 

I like your way of doing things. SB's wedding seemed to have the same elegance. Absolutely lovely.