How much do parents get to control the wedding?

[Chocolat]

And yes, Chocolat it was at the Breakers. She wanted us to have it where SHE lived...different state. I said no. We wanted it where we wanted it and we paid for it.

 

We used to be somewhat friendly with a couple in which the husband worked there as a pastry chef. Yum.

 

Maybe not ALL parents are that controlling about things but still, the bottom line is the same: You and fiance', to one degree or another, don't get to call ALL the shots on the most important day of your lives....something wrong with that picture in my book.

 

I agree with this bottom line. If I pay for my daughters' weddings, I do not plan to ignore their wishes but I also do not expect them to ignore mine. After all, parents are "buying" the wedding for their children out of love, not as part of some arms-length financial arrangement.

[Lyssa]

I'm curious though - do bridesmaids pay for their own dresses or is that included in the budget of the wedding?

[Touche]

If they were handing you the money, I'd agree. But they're not. They are offering to pay for what amounts to a party and then being expected to bow out of some/all of the decisions about how to host that party.

 

If I buy you a sweater for your birthday, I don't expect to be told what color it should be, where I should buy it, what the fabric should be, etc. In fact, I suspect you would agree that it would be rude of you to do so. I'd go pick out a sweater and, hopefully, as someone who cares about you, I'd keep your tastes in mind as I did so. But I would not expect you to give me a list of demands.

 

Excellent analogy.

 

And futhermore they're actually hosting the wedding. So of course they'll have say. It's like it's THEIR party in YOUR honor, but still THEIR party. And again, that's where I take issue.

 

OH that's cool Chocolat. Yep, the food is top notch. The setting was absolutely exquisite (we married in the courtyard.) Too bad the marriage sucked!

 

Second marriage, married at home on the deck. See? Our theory holds.

[norajane]

If I buy you a sweater for your birthday, I don't expect to be told what color it should be, where I should buy it, what the fabric should be, etc. In fact, I suspect you would agree that it would be rude of you to do so. I'd go pick out a sweater and, hopefully, as someone who cares about you, I'd keep your tastes in mind as I did so. But I would not expect you to give me a list of demands.

 

Except that bridal gift registries are EXACTLY like that, where you are told EXACTLY where to buy and what to buy. Granted, you don't HAVE to buy from the registry, but it's certainly expected.

 

I'm curious though - do bridesmaids pay for their own dresses or is that included in the budget of the wedding?

 

Bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. And shoes. And everything but the flowers they'd carry or wear. The bride sometimes offers to pay for getting their hair done, but sometimes that's the responsibility of the bridesmaid, too.

[Lyssa]

Bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. And shoes. And everything but the flowers they'd carry or wear. The bride sometimes offers to pay for getting their hair done, but sometimes that's the responsibility of the bridesmaid, too.

 

Thanks for answering my Q. Over here, we pay for the dress/traditional attire, hair-do and make up.

 

I learn new things everyday!

[Touche]

I know they're accepted but I find those registry things rude and obnoxious. I've never bought from one and never had one.

 

Look, the bottom line is, like a lot of things in life, it's all in what you're willing to accept. And what you're willing to pay (and I'm not talking just financially.)

 

It's no different with this wedding issue.

[amaysngrace]

I know they're accepted but I find those registry things rude and obnoxious. I've never bought from one and never had one.

 

 

I think registries are great. I have a wedding to go to in August and they have a honeymoon fund you can donate to through the travel agency. I think that's a good idea as well.

 

It makes gift-giving easier.

[Touche]

I think registries are great. I have a wedding to go to in August and they have a honeymoon fund you can donate to through the travel agency. I think that's a good idea as well.

 

It makes gift-giving easier.

 

To each his own. I find them declasse myself. Sorry. Not my style.

 

Honeymoon fund? Wow.

[amaysngrace]

To each his own. I find them declasse myself. Sorry. Not my style.

 

Honeymoon fund? Wow.

 

Yeah the family doesn't have a lot of money. Both the mom and dad work and the engaged couple have lots of student loans.

 

They're family. Everyone knows their deal so why pretend?

[Touche]

Yeah the family doesn't have a lot of money. Both the mom and dad work and the engaged couple have lots of student loans.

 

They're family. Everyone knows their deal so why pretend?

 

I understand, Amay. I really do. But it's not something I would ever do. I'd be embarrassed to be so blatant about asking others to fund my honeymoon. I'd rather wait until I could afford those things and NOT get married before I'd ever consider a "honeymoon fund."

 

But as so much discussed here, this is an individual thing. No real right or wrong here. It's what works for you. That wouldn't work for me. I wouldn't be able to do something like that in good conscience.

[amaysngrace]

I understand, Amay. I really do. But it's not something I would ever do. I'd be embarrassed to be so blatant about asking others to fund my honeymoon. I'd rather wait until I could afford those things and NOT get married before I'd ever consider a "honeymoon fund."

 

But as so much discussed here, this is an individual thing. No real right or wrong here. It's what works for you. That wouldn't work for me. I wouldn't be able to do something like that in good conscience.

 

Yeah I understand that but they're great kids. They really are. They show up for everything and my family is really tight.

 

You give what you can. Nobody is obligated. But this is one of my favorite families within my family. I'm sure everybody feels the same.

 

I can see my parents throwing money into the pot. Or my aunts and uncles. If they have it to give.

 

They're really great kids.

[Touche]

I'm sure they're great kids, Amay.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sure they're great kids, Amay.

 

this struck me so funny.

 

....yeah no judgment from me.

[Touche]

this struck me so funny.

 

....yeah no judgment from me.

 

Why did it strike you as funny? I was being sincere!

 

I guess I AM a little judgmental. But I mean I'm not rude. I wouldn't say anything to the couple or anything. I just wouldn't contribute to such a thing...just on principle.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm curious though - do bridesmaids pay for their own dresses or is that included in the budget of the wedding?

Traditionally, the bridal party necessities, are paid for by the wedding party. Dresses and tuxes are part of this.

 

Makeup, hair and shoes, aren't part of the traditional scenario but it's reliant on the couple, to decide if they're willing to pay for them, since it's reliant on them, how uniform they want everyone to look. IMO, it's unfair to expect uniformity, then expect the bridal party to pay for this.

[amaysngrace]

Why did it strike you as funny? I was being sincere!

 

I guess I AM a little judgmental. But I mean I'm not rude. I wouldn't say anything to the couple or anything. I just wouldn't contribute to such a thing...just on principle.

 

I don't know. I'm simple I guess.

 

To be honest when I first got the invitation to the shower and it was in there I thought it was weird. But knowing them everyone would want them to have a good time. So it makes sense.

 

But that wasn't my first reaction at all.

[Chocolat]

Except that bridal gift registries are EXACTLY like that, where you are told EXACTLY where to buy and what to buy. Granted, you don't HAVE to buy from the registry, but it's certainly expected.

 

You're quoting me out of context. My analogy was about the parents paying for the wedding, not the bridal registry.

 

And no, the purpose of the registry is not to force one's guests to buy from it but ostensibly to help guests who don't know what to get in making a selection. This is another hold-over from the days when the couple were starting out with nothing and needed to outfit a home together. Now, many couples are already living together before they marry or at least have their own homes and plenty of "stuff" to bring to the marriage.

 

I feel that weddings have become a business for the bride and groom rather than a shared celebration of happiness.

[Touche]

I don't know. I'm simple I guess.

 

To be honest when I first got the invitation to the shower and it was in there I thought it was weird. But knowing them everyone would want them to have a good time. So it makes sense.

 

But that wasn't my first reaction at all.

 

See? Your first reaction was your TRUE reaction. It was off-putting. It really is in poor taste you know. But look, many very nice people do things that are in poor taste. Doesn't mean they're bad people. They just don't know any better.

[Chocolat]

You're quoting me out of context. My analogy was about the parents paying for the wedding, not the bridal registry.

 

And no, the purpose of the registry is not to force one's guests to buy from it but ostensibly to help guests who don't know what to get in making a selection. This is another hold-over from the days when the couple were starting out with nothing and needed to outfit a home together. Now, many couples are already living together before they marry or at least have their own homes and plenty of "stuff" to bring to the marriage.

 

I feel that weddings have become a business for the bride and groom rather than a shared celebration of happiness.

 

Tried to edit this but was too late. Registries were created by retail establishments to increase sales. They have nothing to do with love or tradition.

[Chocolat]

I think registries are great. I have a wedding to go to in August and they have a honeymoon fund you can donate to through the travel agency. I think that's a good idea as well.

 

It makes gift-giving easier.

 

*cringes*

 

This is super tacky, imo.

 

I think I am too old-fashioned for this thread!

[amaysngrace]

It is tacky but if it helps the kids.

 

I probably won't let my daughter do it but she's ten so I have time to plan her wedding. :laugh:

[Touche]

*cringes*

 

This is super tacky, imo.

 

I think I am too old-fashioned for this thread!

 

I know, right? I guess I'm too old-fashioned too. It really IS tacky. But they're great kids. (Sorry, Amay...just pulling your chain.)

 

I mean even the use of the phrase "bridal party" makes me laugh for some reason. I don't know. I guess for whatever reason, I've never bought into all that stuff.

[Touche]

It is tacky but if it helps the kids.

 

I probably won't let my daughter do it but she's ten so I have time to plan her wedding. :laugh:

 

But what if she wants to plan her OWN wedding?

[amaysngrace]

But what if she wants to plan her OWN wedding?

 

I'm only kidding. She said she is never getting married anyway. She thinks boys are dumb.

[Chocolat]

I mean even the use of the phrase "bridal party" makes me laugh for some reason. I don't know. I guess for whatever reason, I've never bought into all that stuff.

 

For some reason, whenever I hear the phrase "bridal party" I think of the lyrics from The Twelve Days of Christmas -- Lords a'Leaping and Drummers Drumming and all that jazz. I am secretly hoping my kids all elope and then we'll just have a wonderful, relaxed, party afterwards.