This feels like grief!

[LonelyTiger]

Hi guys. I’m having a really rough time at the moment and I just need a shoulder (or 2, 3 ...?) to cry on, so apologies if this goes on a bit. I’ve talked to my friends and family but nobody ‘gets’ what I’m going through. My situation is a little different from most, as my hubby and I had been living together for 13yrs before we went LDR last Summer, but I’m hoping that somebody might be able to relate.

 

We’ve been LDR now for just over 9 months and I seem to be finding it harder to deal with as time goes on. I thought I was getting used to him being away and most of my worst times have been when I’m hormonal, or when he’s just left after a visit. But lately I feel really low most of the time and, it doesn’t matter what I do, I just can’t shake it off.

 

I’m starting to feel as though I’m grieving, which is ridiculous. Ok, so we’re currently on opposite sides of the world for 9 months of the year - but he’s still in my life, he still loves me, he’s still my best friend, he’s still there for me, we talk every day (unless there’s a good reason we can’t), and he comes home to me as often as he can. We’re getting along great and he does his best to make me feel as happy as possible, so the problem isn’t him, it’s me.

 

Four weeks today he’ll be home for two months and I should be feeling happy (we’ve even got two weeks holiday booked, when we’ll be together 24/7, no parents or friends etc competing for his time), but instead I’m waking up in the morning feeling desperately sad and alone. There’s a bit hole where he should be! He’s not lying beside me when I go to sleep or wake up, he doesn’t come home at the end of the day, he’s not sitting across the table from me when I’m eating. He’s not here at weekends when we used to do fun stuff together, I can’t touch him, or hold him, or kiss him, or make love to him etc etc etc.

 

Yesterday I was sitting in the garden in the evening and I heard a car coming up the road. Just for a split second I thought it was him coming home – crazy! His car is sitting in the driveway and I know he’s 3000 miles away! I’m still waiting for him to walk through the door in the evening, even when I’ve just been talking to him on Skype. Somehow I have to accept that he isn’t physically here and, apart from a few weeks together now and then, he won’t be for another two years, but I just can’t get used to being without him.

 

We’ve been talking about increasing the amount of time we see each other - I should be able to go out to be with him a couple of times a year, to add to his usual holiday visits home. It won’t be easy because I have the business to run but if we can get it sorted that will help a lot I’m sure. It’s just this feeling I have when I’m home alone, or doing something that we would normally do together, that I can’t cope with. He should be here and he isn’t!

 

So it feels like I’m grieving when I haven’t even lost him.

 

I’ve talked to him about it and he does his best to help but all he can think of to say is ‘well you haven’t lost me’ and ‘I’ll be with you in four week’s’. I know that and I am desperate for those four weeks to fly by, but I still can’t make this feeling go away. I’m even worrying about how bad it’s going to be when we’ve spent two months together and he has to go away again in August.

 

Is this just a major case of LDR blues or do I need to see a shrink? (My hubby would say the latter )

 

I guess I just want someone to say this is normal and, at some point, it will start to get easier.

[SophieA]

I know what you mean by the "feels like I'm grieving but I haven't lost him." Totally understand.

 

And I think it would help you A LOT if you can increase the visits. I know that BF and I had originally planned to see eachother once every 3 months. This is NOT working out for either of us. So we've decided to make it every 6-8 weeks, unless we really can't swing it financially.

 

If you feel like it will help, go ahead and find someone to talk to. I know I was meeting with a counselor after we found out BF would be leaving the country for med school. Though I'm not seeing her anymore, I believe it helped a great deal while preparing for the transition.

 

***hugs*** I hope you get to feeling better soon.

[KikiW]

I am the first one to say a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. Maybe that will help you, but call around, visit a couple and make sure you find one you like. Explain what's going on with you on the phone and see if they have dealt with LDRs.

 

I know exactly what you mean, though. I feel like I am totally incomplete without my honey. I feel like there is a huge piece of my heart that just isn't there. I am in a holding pattern, waiting and waiting for the time to go by until I can see him again, and then of course when we can be together permanently. It's absolutely killing me, but there just isn't anything I can do about it.

 

Just remember, this is a lonely time, but it is a temporary time. It WILL pass.

 

And you are allowed to have these feelings. You are hurting, because you are without your partner. There's nothing wrong with feeling it.

[Spirit of the Ocean]

Hi Lonely Tiger,

 

I don't think you're alone at all in feeling this way! I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend's been gone for 4 and a half months and still sometimes when my house door opens I expect it to be him and of course it's just my housemate. Everything reminds me of him,restaurants,streets,music.. Being the person left behind in the place where you have been together for so long is horrible!

 

It's got slightly better for me over the weeks, but I still miss him painfully every single day. Regardless of whether I'm hormonal or not, there are some days that are just so much worse than others, and I'm just absolutely miserable. I'm sorry you're feeling so down, but try not to think about how it would feel after he leaves in 3 months time for now, but how wonderful it would be to see him again. It'll really help I think to increase the number of visits because then you'll have something to look forward to sooner! It's a completely horrible situation I know, but at least, at least it's fairly temporary. Also for me, I found it helped to talk about it so if you feel that therapy would help you definitely do it! Meanwhile you can always vent to us, there'll always be someone to listen

[Island Girl]

Hello LonelyTiger.

 

After 4+ years of feeling like you do now I sought counseling. I (and my insurance) paid through the nose to be told exactly what you already know. It is similar to grief except you can't move to the other stages because the other person is still alive (THANK GAWD!!).

 

I get to talk to my husband and lean on him, etc. But it isn't really the same thing is it? Having him present for that occasional hug or touch is just a VOID. And nothing -- no one -- no distraction -- takes that away.

It is ever present. A glaring black hole that at times just seems to suck me right into it. I wrestle with it and fight with it all the time but it is still there.

 

The only thing that seems to help me (and the therapist did not supply this info) is to remind myself of the "walking dead". That is what I call those unlucky people who can't love like we can -- they don't have the ability to love that deep and true. This is the kind of love that endures and remains.

So many never get to experience it at all. Or they touch it but are so fearful they'd cut and run rather than face the hard journey that life sometimes presents.

And there is a reward in that ability to love.

It is as much a part of the blissful reward of true love as the other side is - which is the knowledge that the other person loves us that way too.

 

However long we are granted this relationship it is more than many others have, ever will have, or even know about.

 

I find if I sit with this and explore this knowledge then I end up being thankful and hopeful with "light" instead of the darkness that is so apparent if I look at it from another direction.

A lot of times I have to consciously choose to look at it from this angle. Because the "dark side" is so very powerful and my mind goes there easily.

 

I have bad days. Really bad days. But the long periods of darkness aren't overwhelming to me anymore because of this knowledge.

 

I hope that helps you like it helps me.

 

Oh! And I also peruse some of the other forums here at The Shack that remind me how lucky my husband and I are to have found each other. The dating forums, the infidelity forums, the OM/OW threads help just because Oh Man sometimes the threads posted there make me feel SO LUCKY!

 

I am sending best wishes your way my friend.

[LonelyTiger]

Thank you so much, all of you, for your support. It really means a lot to know that somebody understands what I'm going through.

 

The 'waiting and waiting' really strikes a cord with me KikiW - it's just torture! Waiting to talk to him every day, waiting for him to walk through the door (even though I know he won't), waiting for a text message to tell me he's ok when he's been out diving, waiting for him to come home for the holidays, waiting for June 2011 - waiting, waiting, waiting.....urgh!

 

Even though I talk to my husband about this and he obviously misses me too, he's not the one that's been left behind and he doesn't expect me to be where he is, so it's different for him. He's also a lot stronger than I am, emotionally, and nothing really phases him, he just get on with things. I always think of him as my rock, because he is so strong, and I do lean on him a lot but, as you say, Island Girl, it just isn't the same from a distance. If I get stressed when he's around, he just has to put his arms around me and I immediately feel a sense of calm - I miss that so much.

 

It's interesting that some of you think therapy is a good idea. I wasn't being entirely serious when I mentioned seeing a shrink, but perhaps it's something I could consider if I can't get this feeling under control - it would have to be a last resort though. I have nothing against therapy but it is so expensive and I think it's so hard to find a therapist who can actually make a difference!

 

If I can somehow ride out these next four weeks and then get the extra visits organised for 2010/2011 I will hopefully be able to manage without therapy.

 

I've always got my wonderful LoveShack buddies to turn to as well. I am so glad I found this forum.

 

That 'glaring black hole' you talk about Island Girl - I have one of those too. I think perhaps I've slipped a little too close to it lately and, if I didn't know I was going to see my husband in four weeks, I would be tempted to slide right into it! How you managed four years of feeling like this I cannot imagine - and you don't even have the visits to look forward to like most of us - your strength is truly inspiring.

 

I like your 'walking dead' idea too. I think that will help if I can get away from the black hole for long enough. I will do my best to focus on how lucky we are to have something this special when the vast majority of people never find anything that even comes close. Loving somebody this way may be unbearably painful at times but I couldn't be without him in my life and I know he feels the same. I just hope I can find the strength you have to keep focused on the positive and keep away from that black hole.

 

I do occasionally visit the other forums on LoveShack too, so I know what you mean about feeling lucky in comparison. I've actually been wondering if this particular low patch I'm going through was maybe triggered by the tragic story of MelodyMatters' husband. It just made me realise how little time we may have and how any time spent away from my husband feels wasted - ahhh, sorry, there I go again heading towards the black hole.

 

:):) Ok, that's better.

 

Thank you again guys. Thanks just for reading my very long essays! I don't even know any of you but it's so good to be part of this little family. I'll be OK. I may be stuck in this cycle of grief for now but, like you all say, it is temporary. There is an end and I just have to keep holding on to that.

 

And he'll be home in 27 days. :bunny::bunny: (Oops, wrong thread sorry! )