Gunny376 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I'm at work and just a few moments ago my wife called and asked me who I was seeing. To be exact, she said, "Who is she?". I handled it the best that I could, but she ended up getting upset because I wouldn't tell her. I could tell that it was eating her alive inside. She said she had a feeling in her gut that I was seeing someone. I said, "There is no 'she'." Then I said, well, the only she is 'Teresa', but I begged and pleaded with her to let me back in her life and she said 'no'. Then I said, "I've just been stayin' busy." Is this a good sign? She said, 'tell me, Thomas'. I said, "No offense, but we have separate lives now and it's none of your business. I asked you about 'him' and you wouldn't tell me." She said, "You know about him." I said, "No, I know you talk to him; I don't know what about or when or if you've told him you love him or have had phone sex." (These are questions that I asked and she told me that it was none of my business). So I said, "Now you get to be the one that stays up at night wondering.". She said, "Tell me so it will make it easier for me." (<-what does that mean?) She said, "If you aren't gonna' tell me, then '**** it' and hung up. Now that I've had some time to think about it? That was all day strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 As I said a man has got to take the position of realistically being completely willing and capable of walking at anytime. Even if he's married. To clarify? Be willing to walk away! Link to post Share on other sites
Jonesey Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 ^ Man, does this guy rock or what? J Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Pfft, you want results? Stop feeding her bs and just let her wonder. The more you lead her on about another woman, which isn't true, the more you dig your own grave. Mind games are just going to turn on you, especially if you do not have the mindset to end it, to see things through. No Contact. Be prepared to walk away and she'll be prepared to chase. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Dude, don't answer her calls, don't call her back, nothing. If you do speak, make it short and sweet. Make her wonder, make her miss you, make her want to come back. Then everything is on YOUR terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 I have an update. Let me know if I messed up or not. First off, I broke NC and talked to her. Last night we talked peacefully and calmly about the changes that I have made and how the things that I value have changed as well. So, I asked her if I could move back in and she said that she didn't know yet, she would have to think about it some. This morning I got a call from her at 7am and it was her asking me to come over, so I did. When I got there, she was sitting on the couch, barely able to move because of a crick (spelling?) in her neck. When I sat down on the couch, I lit a cigarette and she immediately moved over towards me and layed her head in my lap. I caressed her face a little and stroked her hair and shoulders as we talked a little bit. Before I knew it she was rolling over looking me in the eyes with so much desire that I was transfixed. She started nuzzling up on my stomach and chest and every once in a while, while stroking her face my arm would graze her breast. I'll spare you the details, but before I knew it she was undressed and then taking my clothes off of me, too. She said something along the lines of, "I don't know why I am doing this." I said, 'because it feels right' or something like that. Anyway, we made love right there on the couch. It wasn't just sex; the way she LOOKED at me and held me. She kept trying to tell me that it was just 'friends with benefits', but she couldn't stop looking in my eyes. If it was just sex, she'd have been 'wam bam thank you'. She had about 3 orgasms and I never finished (which actually concerned her, she thought I might have been with another woman or something) because I was so caught up in the passion that I didn't care how it felt down below. I just wanted her to feel it. Anyway, afterward she told me that we shouldn't have done that and that "it wasn't fair to me or him" or something. I said, "I am your husband. I know what you are saying, but I also know you better than that. You can say it was for pleasure all you want, but I could see the desire in your eyes again." Then, she had another orgasm. We spent the morning together side-by-side, hip to hip, touching and watching the television and talking. At one point she laid her head on my lap again and I rubbed her shoulder and back and went all the way down to her butt and nether regions, teasing her some more. She lay there and loved it. (In the past, when it was over, it was over. She normally wouldn't want to be touched again.) Before I left, I asked if I could spend the night tonight. I offered to give her a full body massage with lotion and a hot bath to ease the tightness in her neck. We also spend a good deal of time researching enlightenment. I told her to think about it and let me know. NOTE: After we made love and she felt guilty, I asked if she had planned it that way or it just happened. She said, "No, when you touched my face it made me so hot." <-- that's a good sign right? DID I SCREW UP?????????????? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Hmm, depends. Is she doing that as a control mechanism, because she's afraid of losing you? Possibly. I would not stop moving on. I would press with dating others, giving it time, giving her space, respecting her wishes. She's going to use both of you, because you are allowing her to do so. I'd be careful about getting hurt or being her sexual puppet. Be smart about things. If she's still boinking the other guy, you're just cheapening your relationship and losing respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 Trust, Thanks for your reply. However, she's not 'boinking' him. He lives in AZ and she lives in OH. It's an emotional "affair" if anything over the phone. I did notice today that she didn't watch the clock or look at her phone. She genuinely seemed to be having a good time with me again. I don't know. I guess when I find out what her answer is about spending the night, then I'll know how she feels.....maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Unless she's prepared to have you move back in and work on the marriage, chit chats, massages and especially boinking will get you absolutely nowhere and fast. Respect precedes love...she is falling out of love with you and by you being her puppet, what little respect she has for you is going out the window. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 DOLK! On your terms! Self discipline! Self Control! Not hers! You've just reassure in her mind that she's got the puddin' and therefore? She makes the rules! Quit being a slave to puddin'! She's 'bitch testing' you, to see if your a real man? You see her and you having sex as a re-affirmation of your love, when she see's it as making sure she still has you under her thumb? AKA ~ Plan 'B"! Man the Hell up! She chases you! Not you chase her! Jezz! Buy you pencials, books, send you to school, and you STILL don't know nothing! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 DOLK! On your terms! Self discipline! Self Control! Not hers! You've just reassure in her mind that she's got the puddin' and therefore? She makes the rules! Quit being a slave to puddin'! She's 'bitch testing' you, to see if your a real man? You see her and you having sex as a re-affirmation of your love, when she see's it as making sure she still has you under her thumb? AKA ~ Plan 'B"! Man the Hell up! She chases you! Not you chase her! Jezz! Buy you pencials, books, send you to school, and you STILL don't know nothing! Agree, put her on the freezer. Let her know she's second potatoes with your attitude. Ignore her calls. Decline hanging out with her frequently. Hang out with friends instead. Go out often. Be social with others, not her. Just treat her like someone you are barely, slightly even interested in. In fact, find a hot friend of hers and start putting your game on her. That should really get her hot for you. She will be all over you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 I want to do NC, but she is the type of woman that will take it all the wrong way. She's get angry and it will just cause more friction/conflict between us. I had an idea; let me know if you all think it is good or just plain stupid. I tell her that I can see she is clearly torn between the other guy and me. That I am going to 'bow out gracefully' and make it easy for her. Then I her good bye and walk out the door or hang up the phone, whichever. Then I start NC. I think that that would have the same affect on her, but she wouldn't be pissed off. Anyway, let me know if you think that is a possibility to try. Thanks. I know her really well and I get the feeling that she is FIGHTING her true feelings for me b/c she is afraid that I am going to hurt her again or 'not be changed'. Two times now she has told me I could spend the night and when I got there, shortly after said that I couldn't do it yet. That she was still battling inside herself or whatever. I'm think that if I honorably back off that she will gain more respect for me and possibly even some deeper feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 That I am going to 'bow out gracefully' and make it easy for her. Not advisable if you want to keep her. She would feel such rejection over that she would be sure to give up altogether and you'd be history. Those are my thoughts anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 This is SOOOO confusing!!! If I 'bow out' she'll feel rejected/betrayed. If I chase her she feels pressured and crowded. If I go NC she gets angry. When we were married, she was VERY submissive. I mean she would lay at my feet and stuff. She loved for me to be in control. I'm beginning to wonder if I should just go see her, take her in my arms, kiss her, and take control again. I think I'm going insane............... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I want to do NC, but she is the type of woman that will take it all the wrong way. She's get angry and it will just cause more friction/conflict between us. I had an idea; let me know if you all think it is good or just plain stupid. I tell her that I can see she is clearly torn between the other guy and me. That I am going to 'bow out gracefully' and make it easy for her. Then I her good bye and walk out the door or hang up the phone, whichever. Then I start NC. I think that that would have the same affect on her, but she wouldn't be pissed off. Anyway, let me know if you think that is a possibility to try. Thanks. I know her really well and I get the feeling that she is FIGHTING her true feelings for me b/c she is afraid that I am going to hurt her again or 'not be changed'. Two times now she has told me I could spend the night and when I got there, shortly after said that I couldn't do it yet. That she was still battling inside herself or whatever. I'm think that if I honorably back off that she will gain more respect for me and possibly even some deeper feelings. Why would you make an excuse for trying to get away from a woman who would cheat on you emotionally, possibly physically. It's enabling for her to continue the affair. Just shut her down. Who cares about her feelings. You are putting her on lockdown. You don't have to deal with her feelings, the OM does. It's about self respect at this point. You know her better than me, but I would never "bow out" because that means you are afraid. You're not afraid. Show her you don't give a f*ck about her if she's going to cheat. That's what she will respect and desire. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 This is SOOOO confusing!!! If I 'bow out' she'll feel rejected/betrayed. If I chase her she feels pressured and crowded. If I go NC she gets angry. When we were married, she was VERY submissive. I mean she would lay at my feet and stuff. She loved for me to be in control. I'm beginning to wonder if I should just go see her, take her in my arms, kiss her, and take control again. I think I'm going insane............... That makes more sense than bowing out. You are you. Be you. But if she's confused, take yourself out of the equation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 Everyone here says that I have to be "willing to move on without her". I don't think that I am at that stage, yet. I'm still at the stage where I get flashes of images of us together and in a future that won't happen. The things we won't do again. I need some time before I'm willing to move on without her. I mean it's like the Guns N Roses song, "I've searched the universe and found myself within her eyes." I'm talking true love here. And I know she still feels it or else should wouldn't be so hesitant about telling me to go back home after she tells me to spend the night. She's scared of something. You know what? F*CK IT! I'm the one that's confused! I'm losing the last thread of sanity that I have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 This whole thing shouldn't even be! She separated from me b/c she said that I wouldn't listen to her when she was warning me that I was neglecting her. But, she would complain about something, then she would kiss me and love on me and cuddle with me the rest of the night, and then 9/10 times we would make love. Some time later it would happen all over again. It was worse around her period, of course. What I'm saying is that I had no clue that it was nearly as bad as she's portraying b/c she would be in my arms every night no matter what happened that day. I had no idea this was coming! I just don't understand. She keeps saying, "Why didn't you just listen to me? This could have all been avoided. I begged you." Do you have any idea how bad it is to hear "this could have all been avoided" when I didn't know that anything needed to be avoided?!?!? Grrrrrrr. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Yeah, I know how you feel. It sucks. You're not to blame though. That's her just rationalizing her cheating. No one is perfect. Not you. Not her. Not me or anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Quit being such a supplicating fool of a man for her! Man-up! Where in the Hell did you get it in your head that this one woman ~ is the best and only one one you can do? Whatever she's got to offer? There's another that has to offer more! From the darkside of the road? To to brightside of the road! Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 This is coming from the other side ... my marriage is ending after 26 years because he was always to busy gladhanding others and leaving me to tend to the home, the children, while working full-time. Additionally, he has major league baggage from his own childhood which consumes his life .. although he has been in therapy for the 3rd time to address it. Final straw came on Christmas Eve .. he had errands to run for the entire day and left me once again holding the bag with the kids the holiday preparations etc. He consistently forgot Mother's Day, my birthday .. I begged him 5 years ago to cut me loose if he had no interest in listening to me or changing his behavior .. he swore up and down that he loved me and would change. I truly believe he simply abandoned me emotionally. To cope with that I began reaching out to other people ... and formed emotional attachments elsewhere. I'm a great looking and educated woman .. I've pretty much raised the kids by myself and they're all launched. I find myself in a position of going back as he would like or moving on. Frankly, after so many attempts to try and get him to listen and his lack of true interest in trying to change his behavior - made me not trust him anymore. I don't know how you can remain married when the trust is gone. My advice, if you've emotionally abandoned her, that's on you. If she's found other people to fill that void - know that you've probably lost her as my husband has now lost me. If she's gaming you because she's confused, call her out on it. But, I wouldn't go to the table without some serious proposals about changing your own behavior - and be prepared to back them up with action. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Just a quick update: Yesterday was our 9th anniversary and I thought I was going to die. I took the day off because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I felt this liquid heat in my chest and shoulders most of the day along with a horrible feeling of sadness and despair. Around 2pm, she sent me a text message asking what I was doing. I waited and waited, then I responded that I was watching the television. She said, "oh okay". I asked her, "Why?" She said she was just wondering. Then, about 30 minutes later she called and I didn't answer and she called again and again, eventually I answered. She was calling to let me know that my new debit card for my new bank had come in. (I used her address b/c I am staying at my parents and couldn't remember the address.) She said, "You can come pick it up if you want." I waited about two hours and finally went over to pick it up. We talked a little bit, but not about us or anything, just in general. While there, I saw a picture that I had recently given her about 2 weeks ago of her and me putting wedding cake in each other's mouths and smiling. I picked it up and put it in my pocket and before I could blink I felt it come back out of my pocket. I turned around and she had laid it on the desk next to her. She said, "Yeah, I took it out of your pocket." She said it was hers, that I gave it to her and then asked if I was going to be an indian giver. I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Good to know." I left shortly after even though she wanted me to stay for longer. Later that night I got my 8 yr old daughter in my lap and took some pics of us looking very happy together and smiling and emailed them to her. I went to sleep at about 12am and took some clonapan (spelling?) to help with sleeping, especially on THAT night. Well, I woke up around 6:30am, as usual with no alarm and couldn't go back to sleep. I had a feeling to look at my phone and so I picked it up. She had sent me a text around 1:08am that said simply, "Hello". Then I had two missed calls, one around 1:30am and another around 5:38am. She left me a message that said something about she thought she was passing a kidney stone (she has twice in the past) and then her speach garbled and she hung up. Well, I had to break NC b/c I would rather my wife live and be healthy than ignore her and lose her forever. So, I woke up and drove over to her house and pounded on the door. No answer. I rang the door bell; still no answer. I was getting really conscerned so I tried calling and she answered. She came down stairs and opened the door for me. "Our" bedroom is upstairs and that's where she was sleeping. I hovered around the door just mentioning that I was just checking to see that she was okay and went to leave. She started up the stairs and asked me if I was coming. I decided to go upstairs with her and ended up lying down next to her for about an hour before I had to leave to get ready for work. She didn't want me to leave, but I did anyway. I got a call on my way to work that she was going to be moving back down to Mississippi b/c she realized last night that there is no reason to stay here. She said that it's not my responsibility to be there for her and that there was no one else. She said if she was bleeding out last night or my step-daughter had had a seizure (she does sometimes) that either of them may have died. I said, well, you could always call 911. She kept on and on about going back to MS and it was ripping me apart. I finally spoke up. I told her if she went back to MS then we could never fix things and be together. She said, you want me to wait around here to see if you're going to change. I said, "I HAVE changed! Living with my dad has shown me exactly how I behaved most of the time and it is ugly." I told her that I wanted her to stay and asked her to let me move back in, if just as a trial to see if we could work together. She still hasn't said, "Yes", but she didn't say "No, this time." She did say something about, "I've given you a trial before and you didn't change." I said, "Yeah, but this time I am getting professional help. I'm seeing counselors and taking meds to control my anger. Before I relied on myself." Anyway, I told her to think about it and she seemed really positive about it. I'm going over tonight after work to talk to her in person and see if I can convince her the rest of the way. I realize that I'm not exactly going back on my terms, but I also realize that she left me because I was an *******. I mean I had a bad temper and it didn't really register until I saw my dad's. She has faults, yes, but isn't that what love is? Accepting each other with their faults. Feel free to reprimand me, but I followed my heart, not my gut. Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 I forgot: I also talked to my sister last night and she reminded me of a lot of things in my childhood that I completely forgot. Basically, it explained to me why I was an emotionless, angry being. (At least toward the kids) My parents hardly ever hugged us, or said, "I love you". They were quite selfish and generally watched what they wanted on tv. My dad had his own cereal and other things that we couldn't touch...among other things. I realized that I had some serious sh*t get over if I was gonna fix my marriage...hell...fix MYSELF! The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author digitalwizard Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 I just called. I'm going over there to eat with them (wife & step-daughter) tonight after work. I told her I wanted to talk and she sounds really happy. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's really hard. I had to talk to her on speaker phone b/c she was waxing her legs. Could be a coincidence, but maybe not. Okay, I know. I'm crazy and hopeless. I'm just not ready to move on yet. One day, maybe, but not yet... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 This one's a hard one! She's in love with you! But not with the man you've become! She's not in love with the man you are? But the man that you were! Thus her confussion!''Man-up!: Link to post Share on other sites
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