Boyfriend broke up with me....now found out I'm pregnant!

[desertsun09]

Well unfortunately, it happened just like the subject line says.....my long distance boyfriend of a year and a half (2 hours via train) broke up with me due to the distance, our fighting, and both of us having insecurity issues. No one cheated or anything like that, and I believed our problems could be fixed if we kept trying. He didn't see it that way. Well 3 days after he broke up with me, I found out I was pregnant with his child. He freaked out and said terrible things like it wasn't his child, he wants a paternity test, I was crazy, I was lying about being pregnant, etc, etc. He has since apologized and does now believe me. The problem that I am having is that even though he has now said the politically correct things like he takes full responsibility for the baby, he wants to be involved in the pregancy and birth, etc, I am not seeing any evidence of this. His actions speak differently. He doesn't call or email me to check up on me and seems like he is running scared. No one from his family (whom I was close to) has bothered to call me and he has disengaged from the situation. I still love him, even though he says we can't be together, and I am trying to focus on the baby and trying to get over him but it's so hard.

 

My question is this: Am I being unrealistic to expect him to act differently? Should he be calling me to check up on me? Shouldn't he be trying to at least make an effort to work things out between us if he wants to be so involved in the pregnancy and birth? Should I call him?

 

He's pissing me off because I feel he should be taking an active role in this and he has essentially disappeared. I'm so beaten down and depressed about it I don't know what to do.

 

Earlier he said he wanted to come to London to see me, but that never happened and he also said that when the baby is born, maybe we can work things out with counseling, but I am not down with him disappearing for 9 months and then just popping up and saying 'hey, I'm here now! Where's my baby?' It's BS....just a shame it's happened like this.

 

Advice?

[norajane]

Be prepared to have this baby without an active father, or give it up for adoption, or terminate the pregnancy.

 

Expecting him to be involved, based on his current actions, is probably going to lead to disappointment for you. You can't make him want this child. All you can do is make him pay child support...if you're in the same country. I don't know how it works if you live in different countries.

[desertsun09]

Thanks Norajane. I am starting to lean that way and am slowly waking up and realizing he is not going to be involved. It is so disappointing to me because that is not who I knew him to be. I am baffled....

 

He lives in Belgium and I live in UK. It's going to be a nightmare to figure out the child support stuff I have a feeling.

[desertsun09]

By the way, i am definitely having the baby. I am 34 and this may be my last chance.

[norajane]

At best, he may still be in shock, and once that wears off, he'll grow up and take responsibility. But, if I were you, I'd prepare for the worst - that he really doesn't want anything to do with this baby. Do you have a strong family for support?

[desertsun09]

Yes, I do and I am probably going to move back to the US to be with them. I have no family here in the UK.

[iNdespaiR]

hi desert.. actually i am with same situation with you before.. my bf acted that way too... what happened was, we had a fight.. because i am thinking that he doesnt want to be responsible with the baby.. worse situation came up.. we broke up.. leaving me alone, pregnant and so helpless.. i had so many questions on my mind.. you know what i have done? ive decided to go NC.. i cried, beg and pleaded.. but it only pushed him away.. (please dont do that girl!)then i gave him time to realize.. up to now i havent contacted him.. he texted me sometime but have'nt replied to him yet.. i know in time he will know, and the thought will sink on him that hes goin to be a father.. giving him some time will make him realize, if he's gonna be man enough for you and your child then he will be there.. how much distance you are far away from him.. for the mean time take care and love yourself.. as you take care of your baby.. fight for him, he is a gift of God.. there is a purpose on everything that happens to us..:)

[sedgwick]

Are you sure you want to go through with the pregnancy? Sounds like you're in for a lifetime of frustration and heartache with this guy as the father.

[quankanne]

DS, it sounds like because he no longer wants the relationship, he's avoiding/ignoring you about this pregnancy and pretending that it's not really happening. As hard as this is, you really don't need someone who is acting as selfishly as this – no matter what his personal reaction is, a decent person will make sure the other person (in this case, the rugrat) has his needs met. I really don't see someone like your BF doing the "right" thing of his own volition. And I feel for you, because you need the support esp. now.

 

have you told your family yet? How soon do you think you'll be able to return to them? In the meantime, let your circle of friends who are close by support you morally and emotionally ... it'll work out just fine. And know that you've got a support system on the 'Shack, okay?

 

meanwhile, congratulations at the (surprising) news, I'm pulling for a little girl

 

hugs,

quank

[2sure]

He broke up with you and you wanted to continue the relationship. Afterward, you found out you are pregnant. Right now, he probably feels he is being duped or at the least, manipulated. From your post it does not sound as though he believes you are pregnant. When you prove this to him, he may feel trapped.

 

Under the circumstances those feelings toward YOU are natural and to expect more is probably unrealistic.

 

When the baby has actually arrived, and is proved to be his (which will be required) his feelings may change. After all, he has already said that he is willing to step to the plate at that time and even attend counseling to facilitate better communication with you, when that time arrives.

 

At the moment, it sounds as though for some reason he and his family are skeptical there is a baby. Thats no crime, things may change when he knows he is a father. He may always feel as though you manipulated him and may never want a "intimate relationship" with you again - but can still be a part of the childs life.

[Trojan John]

Why would you want to have a child under these circumstances? It seems as if you're forcing him to continue a relationship with you, whereas you only want him for his DNA and money. This will only bring more resentment. Why would you want a child to grow up in this kind of environment? Were I you, I would sincerely give this more thought.

[desertsun09]

Indespair: Thanks! Its good to hear someone else is going through something similar. I think I will take a page outta your book and try NC. It's been a while anyway, and may as well continue it. I'll be curious to see if he ever calls.

 

Sedgwick and TJ: Yes, I am sure i want to go through with this pregnancy. I am 34 and this may be my last chance. Besides, I don't believe abortion is the answer for me. I could never do it and there is no other way for me. Plus I know I could never give the baby up for adoption.

 

Quank: Thanks for the words of support and I'm glad to hear that you think he is being selfish, which are my thoughts exactly. Good to get a guy's take on it too.

 

2Sure: I know what you are saying about him not believing i am pregnant, but i had my father call him and even offered for him to come to appointments with me, etc. I'm not sure what else i need to do. He said he believes me and i know he means it.

[xpaperxcutx]

All I can say is you're very brave if you want to raise this child on your own. Eventually, I'm certain the father will come around for the child when it's born, but you won't be seeing any support from him at this point in your life. Try to stay positive above all else and focus on what's best for you and the baby. Adding stress into your life is not what you want, in fact, the sooner you're with close family and friends the better.

[Trojan John]

If you can handle it, then do it. Just make sure that you have as much support from your family as you can get. I seriously doubt that you will be able to rely on your ex.

 

Cheers.

[dont_understand]

Hi Desert, I too am in a very similar situation only I already have a 5-year-old son. My ex and I had been broken up for 2 1/2 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. He reacted the complete opposite of your ex...said all the right things, told me he still had feelings for me and wanted to get back together....two days later, he was calling our unborn child a bastard and telling me he'd have nothing to do with THIS MISTAKE and that he's not changing his mind. He even threatened to have a restraining order against me.

 

The last night I saw him, he took a void cheque and told me to notify him when the baby has been born and he will start depositing his "hush money" into my account every month. I haven't talked to him since and I would advise you to do the same thing. We can't force these men to love their children and want to be a part of their lives. We can only do what we believe is right in our hearts and right by God. I believe everything happens for a reason....I've been listening to this song on youtube (I pasted the link below) when I start feel like I'm losing faith. It helps to remind me that God has a perfect plan for all of us, and it's not always what we had planned for ourselves but we have to trust.

 

Children are blessings and make you stronger than you even knew you could be. Love yourself and your child(ren) and everything will work out in the end.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JwVf0AV8sg

[desertsun09]

Hi and thanks so much for your post. I am relieved to find that I am not alone. I'm not sure what compels certain men to react this way....so hateful. Don't they know pregnant women need all the support we can get? Your story is amazingly similar to mine. I find it so hard to think about him as the person i once knew. He only appears to me as a stranger now and I am hoping the day will come soon when i'm not hung up on him and want to get back together with him. Everyday that goes by that he does not call to check on the well being of his unborn child and myself, is just more fuel for my fire to burn him outta my memory. He's not a real man. Seriously, I cannot believe i have misjudged the person i have loved with all my heart for the last year and a half. It's hard to take.

 

Have you tried no contact? How long did you go and are you talking to him now?

 

I am eight days with NC, and I am really struggling. Had a complete meltdown today when i woke up this morning...i could barely bring myself to get outta bed as i was just bawling. I forced myself to go to work, where i was a zombie 8 hours of the day. The stress of missing my ex is emotionally and physically exhausting and i know its not good for the baby. My hands shake all the time, and i have horrible headaches and stomach aches. Sometimes i feel short of breath and tiightness in my chest. The breakup is manifesting itself in a very physical way with me and i need to get a grip but i don't know how.

 

Do you think your ex will have a change of heart when the baby is born? I am trying not to hold out for this hope. I keep telling myself that if he's not invested now, how's that gonna change 9 months from now. I doubt it will.

 

I guess the only thing i can do from here is try to move on and focus on the baby. It's so hard though. I feel like i need to talk to someone, like a professional as the pain is just unbearable for me. I tend to take things really hard and am a very emotional person. I seem to lack the defense mechanisms that others seem to have that help them cope with difficult situations. I'm at a loss.

 

Anyway, thanks for giving me some hope though. I do know that God will help me through this and i know there is a greater plan.

 

I wasn't able to view your youtube song because it says the song "isn't available in my country (UK)". What is the name of it and i can try to look it up another way?

 

Blessings,

DS

[dont_understand]

I completely understand what you mean by not even recognizing your ex. I can't think about my ex the way I used to. In fact, it makes me disgusted to think I loved such a cold-hearted monster of a "man", if we'll even call him that. I cringe to think how I may have just not ever known him at all. It seems completely out of character for him to behave this way, but he is adamant that he will not fulfil any obligation towards our child other than his legal obligation (child support), which I am calling "hush money" because he is Italian-Catholic and refuses to tell his parents that I am pregnant with their grandchild. For whatever reason, he wants this to be his dirty, little secret until the day he dies.

 

I am doing NC now after a complete meltdown Saturday, where I was crying my eyes out and couldn't get out of bed - just like you. I texted him and he said he's not changing his mind so basically stop bothering him with this crap. So, it's only been 4 days but I am determined to make it through this without him. I deserve better and my child deserves to grow up in a loving environment; not one filled with resentment.

 

I am a very emotional person too, being pisces we are emotional creatures but I feel strong and confident in what God has in store for me. God doesn't make mistakes and never gives you more than you can handle.

 

The song is called "You're Gonna Be"....it's by Reba McIntire. It's Country, and she has a very country voice, but it sends a great message. I hope you can find the video and watch and listen to the words.

[norajane]

I'm not sure what compels certain men to react this way....so hateful. Don't they know pregnant women need all the support we can get?

 

No, they don't see it that way. All they see is that "you" are ruining their life. Obviously, it takes two, but that you want to have the baby makes them blame you for what they see is a big problem because they really really don't want to be fathers. And they probably feel helpless because they don't really have a choice in the matter anymore, and of course, that's easy for them to blame on you since you are making the choice for him.

 

Get your support from your family and friends. And let go of the hope that he's going to come around when the baby is born. The less you expect of him, the less you will be disappointed, and the more prepared you will be for having this baby without him.

[iNdespaiR]

hi desert.. the baby is a blessing.. just go on with your life and fight with all of the trials.. if you go NC, he will surely contact you.. in the meantime just on healing, NC will help you on this.. avoid all the stress.. just give yourself a time.. ive been on the shoe as you are right now.. although its difficult, but it will all get better in time.. keep on prayin and believe in your faith.. with or without the father of your child just continue loving your baby for he is a gift from God..

[sandy12345678993]

My ex disapeared about a week before I knew I was pregnant. I suspected I might be and was sitting on a plane about ready to come home from a vacation. I told him I had to talk to him about something important. He asked if it was good or bad. I told him it depended on what he thought about it. I never mentioned that I thought I was prengant, but I never heard from him after that. I fought like hell to find him again during my pregnancy. He lived about 3 hours away from me, and seemed to be moving constantly and changed his phone number even more. What I did find was his wife and a baby (he "forgot" to tell me about them), and someone who vaguely talked about being his father, but never did a damn thing. I still tried to make him want my son for 2 years. After his 2nd birthday I realized he's never tried to do anything and he's not going to do anything for him. That hurt like hell, but there's nothing I coud do. I did everything in my power. He only saw my son once when he was 2 months old. I went to see him. He touched him, but he didn't hold him. He said he was too little for him to hold. I think he feared becoming attached. I haven't seen or heard from him in over a year. I've filed for child support, but I don't expect anything to come from it. He can't seem to keep a job. The wife is now an ex-wife, and we're friends. He sees their child every so often. I'm not alone. At the last count, there were 5 of his children in about 3 different states. I never tried to contact his family, besides his wife, after I knew who they were. I have his mom's phone number in case any medical emergency were to happen. She has been told about me and my son, but I heard through the grapevine that any paternity issues were her sons to deal with. I think she would probably talk to me, but I don't know for sure. She only lives 2 hours from me. It's all very unfortunate, and has been the source of my greatest heartache. His life is full of secrets and lies and dangers that I don't want to be involved with. So maybe it's better this way.

 

That's just my experience. I hope yours doesn't end the same. I hope your ex does the right thing, but if he doesn't, it's not the end of the world. And you, too, and your baby will survive.