Apart and shaken

[lupa]

All, I'm new. I've read a bunch of threads...and well...here goes.

 

My wife of three years and I recently went into counseling, and everything has gone rocketing down hill from there. I think she has issues from her past, and I know I was distant to her for a while.

 

But here's the thing -- I keep telling her that I want to work it out, that I would do anything in the world to save our marriage, because we actually do (or did) have love. Every time I tell her, it pushes her away from me...to the point that now we're going to be separated.

 

It is like she is focusing on all the bad things, and completely ignoring the good things. When I say that to her, she says that I'm making everything about me. For a while today the hurt and sadness went away and I was able to operate in a state of anger...like I was betrayed...but now that I'm alone, and it is nighttime, the hurt has come blasting back.

 

I almost feel like the harder I try the worse it gets. I don't know what to do...I'm at home, alone, sitting at my damned computer, crying. I'm ripped in half.

 

Has anyone here gone through a separation where it worked out?

 

I can't control my emotions, because the day I said, "I do" I meant it forever. I cannot believe she would not want this to work out.

 

...oh man this is terrible. How do I make it?

[LakesideDream]

Lupa, first thing you have to do is understand this is the 21st century and NOTHING IS FOREVER. You will find lots of advise here. One thing you will hear about is the futility of chasing your walk away wife. That's a failed stragity. I'll try to return later with some thoughts.

[loveshy]

Lupa, it might be a hard time for you..

But you need to show that you are happy without her...

So first thing is stop talking about the relationship.

And you might need to reduce contact and maybe end contact...

 

Stop acting sad in front of her and be HAPPY AND CHEERFUL...

 

Basically by blaming you she is just making herself feel better and lowering yours...

You don't want to listen to that..

 

Be very calm and patient...

 

If she tells you that you are wrong.. Agree to it... cause currently she needs reasons to fight with you and hurt you...

[Gunny376]

Lupa, first thing you have to do is understand this is the 21st century and NOTHING IS FOREVER. You will find lots of advise here. One thing you will hear about is the futility of chasing your walk away wife. That's a failed stragity. I'll try to return later with some thoughts.

 

LS got it right! Its the 21st Century! All rules or off! All "safeties" are off!

 

Marriage in 2009 isn't the same as it was in 1909! Quit living by those rules!

 

Your pretty much on your own! And its pretty much "go for yourself ~ your own your own!" type deal!

 

Any man that would get married in these days and times?

 

IMHO?

 

Is a fool!

[lupa]

Thanks so far to the folks that wrote back...it just seems so f'ing ridiculous that reverse psychology is what is happening right now. Every time I try, she just gets mad...every time I offer up love I get resentment.

 

I would love to walk around like I'm happy, like this doesn't bother me...but it does.

 

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I bawled my eyes out tonight (she wasn't here). I just fell on the damned floor and lost it as I was setting up to stay in the other bedroom. I don't know how I'm supposed to go to sleep right now.

 

Anway, I'll check back in tomorrow. I'll try to be strong.

[Gunny376]

You show me a Marine that's never cried? I will show you a liar! And most likely than not? Not a Marine!

 

We cry over Okinawa, Iwo Jima, Tamara, Saipan, Korea, Kai San, Faluiga, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, etc,...................

 

I'm still standing, after all this time!

 

So are you!

 

Better than you ever did!

 

Looking better than you ever did!

 

A true survivor!

 

Now get out there and rub some sunshine on your face and get your happy ass busy living or get busy dying!

[lupa]

Well, I woke up in the middle of the night. I can't sleep now...she's asleep in the other room.

 

Part of me wants to tear this house down, rip it off its foundations. Part of me wants to blame myself. Part of me wants to blame her past.

 

The woman looked me in the eye and told me she feels nothing for me. This is after a week of us getting along and her even using an old pet name we had for each other years ago.

 

The signals are mixed, my circuits are crossed, and I feel like my over-emotional reaction is just making things so bad.

 

I want to go and talk to her mother, tell her that I love her daughter and want to do everything possible to make it right. I know her mother knows about this...and I respect her. Is this a bad idea?

 

My friend keeps trying to get me to spend some time out of town with him, but because of work and other things going on...I can't. He says the time apart will do us both good. I don't understand that. I really don't. We have a life together, a house, bills, friends, yard work, laundry, chores...we have a damned marriage! How do you walk away from that?

[Jonesey]

Do not call her mom, it will make you look weak and desperate. The only thing you can do here is fake it until you make it. Sounds silly, but it's the only shot you have to make her stop and think about what she is doing. Trust me, this strategy works and is the best chance you have at reconciliation (if that is your goal).

 

Read my posts, N/C is even starting to work AGAIN in my situation even though I do not want her anymore. Just yesterday, in a school parking lot after meeting with my son's special educator, my wife started crying in front of me. Yes, the same woman who has not shown a thread of emotion to me in over 2 months and who also ripped my heart out for a second time on less than a year.

 

Listen to Gunny and everyone else.......

 

Good Luck!

 

Jonesey

[robinincarolina]

Ok from a womans perspective who has been in your wifes shoes. I asked my husband to leave 2 years ago. Our situation was probably a lot different. He was not a provider and I carried most of the load and it just wore me out.

 

Anyway, the more I saw him cry and beg and plead, the weaker he became in my eyes. I wanted to slap him and tell him to get up and move on. It makes you very unattractive in a womans eyes. The advice above is good advice. Be happy and try to start living. She may even desire your company again, but not if you act like a crazy man. Now that my ex has moved on and appears happy, we are friends again, but before in those first 6 months, I could not stand the sight of him. Could be that I was feeling some guilt, but thats not the point, it did not change how I felt or did not feel about him

 

I know its hard, you are hurting terribly, but don't let her see you like that another day. Its just going to push her further and further away.

[lupa]

I'm thinking about finding some...doctor...for a mood stabilizer or something. I've been non-functional at work for weeks, since we started going to therapy. I can't get anything done. I can't turn it off.

 

I don't even know who to talk to, what questions to ask, or what I am looking for. This isn't like a long-term thing, I'm not clinically depressed (or at least, I don't think). I'm just a complete emotional wreck, and am not in control.

 

Does anyone know about this?

 

 

If this works, or is even possible, I might be able to deal with her in not the wounded puppy-dog way. I don't care where the strength comes from right now...I'm not religious, as a matter of fact I have no use for organized religion, but I tried to talk to god last night...nothing was there. My tank is empty, I have nothing filling it up.

 

I know my problem pales in comparison to folks who have been beaten, or demeaned, or...well, anything...but geez, this is the only world I know. It is a world I built on the foundation of "two" when I decided to settle down, quit being a guy who is looking to get laid, start a life and a family. We don't have kids, our only real shared responsibility is two freaking cats, but I've been busting my ass at work for a couple of years now (putting a lot into it, quitting coaching soccer because it interfered) so that we could afford for her to be a stay-at-home mom. It's like this whole universe I've been building has come crashing down, and i'm helpless to stop it.

 

I think I'm just going to keep coming here and dumping this on all of you...maybe it will help me figure it out.

[TrustInYourself]

Thanks so far to the folks that wrote back...it just seems so f'ing ridiculous that reverse psychology is what is happening right now. Every time I try, she just gets mad...every time I offer up love I get resentment.

 

I would love to walk around like I'm happy, like this doesn't bother me...but it does.

 

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I bawled my eyes out tonight (she wasn't here). I just fell on the damned floor and lost it as I was setting up to stay in the other bedroom. I don't know how I'm supposed to go to sleep right now.

 

Anway, I'll check back in tomorrow. I'll try to be strong.

 

Exactly. Why try and work on it, when all you get is resentment. Behave in a manner that gets results. Go date some other women, ignore your wife, blow her off.

 

Do not let her see your pain, only smile and be mysterious.

[lupa]

How in the holy hell am I going to date another woman right now? I wouldn't even know where to begin to find one..!

 

Wow. Being on the receiving end of this sucks so bad.

[TrustInYourself]

How? It's easy! Do you even remember how you were before your wife? Reclaim yourself.

 

Remember that guy that was able to talk to women and men. Remember that guy that was NOT completely reliant on a wife to feel complete and whole. That guy that felt okay with being alone. That guy that actually relished the benefits of being single.

 

Why question why? Why pity yourself?

 

It's natural of course, I did it. But at some point, you have to say, screw her decisions. I will live life to the fullest without her. I will not let my wife control my life with her reckless behavior.

 

You want my advice, do not look for love or another woman to replace her. Look for companionship, from women and men. Look to friends, family and loved ones to build back your broken self esteem. Grow from this. Learn all you can about your part in the end. Go out and experience new things in life, you were incapable of enjoying during your marriage.

 

It's simple. Just make the choice to do something with these lemons. Make some damn lemonade.

 

Life is 90% perspective, 10% what happens to you. Stay positive.

[lupa]

All of that makes sense, and all of that is true. But how do you live it when you're the one getting your ass kicked? I've never had this happen to me...I've seen it happen. I've watched it happen to people I know.

 

Is it that every person, at some point in their life, has to realize that they are not a unique flower, that they are not special...**** happens to everyone, and the patterns are always there?

 

Right now my entire world is based around a group of mutual friends. She basically moved in to my group of friends and is at the nexus...I don't even have a group of people to go out with. I have nothing.

 

I gave up a lot of myself to be with her. I quit partying, I moved away from a group of people who were, admittedly, trouble. It is probably better in the long run, but right now I have no identity that doesn't involve her.

 

 

When I couldn't sleep last night I went on match.com for a while, just to poke around. I found a girl I would be interested in going out with, but you have to sign up and pay for the service, and what with the impending divorce, I don't want financial records that show I was looking around. I'm looking around, of course, to make myself feel better right now, not because I'm serious. But maybe if the chance arose I would take it? I'm not sure.

 

As I've said already...this is terrible, I'm not in control of my emotions. The only thing keeping me going at this point is the quiet thought in the back of my head that says "You're a good person and you deserve more." All the other ones are so much louder, but I can hear that brave little guy...just barely.

[TrustInYourself]

Give that little guy some room to breathe. How?

 

Go out and get active. Forge new trails that define who you are. Pick up breakdancing, take an art class, become a freestyle rollerblader. Who cares, as long as you are doing something that brings out that little guy, who says, "I am the baddest mother****er on the planet and no woman can hold me down."

 

I'm married. I know the complacent routine that you get stuck in. Guess what. Those rules no longer apply. It's time you called your old buddies and get down with life.

[seibert253]

Let me ask you this, is your wife seeing someone else? You've only been married three years, not a long time for her to just suddenly "check out". If you research this site, you'll find that a majority of the women who suddenly decide they want to seperate and check out of their marriage, is because there's someone else giving them newfound attention and affirmation.

 

Be honest with yourself before you answer "no". Never say there's no way my wife would cheat on me. Where there's a will, there's a way.

 

If you're not sure, may I suggest you do some investigating. Emails, cellphone/texts, you may want to start here. Some here will advise against this, labeling it as snooping, saying you should trust. My response is in God we trust, all others we investigate.

 

Whether there is, or is not someone else, IMO you're approaching this all wrong. Groveling, trying to shower her with "all your love" will only backfire. It will push her further away. When she see's you "feeling sorry for yourself" this will only show her weakness.

In order to change how she feels about you, she needs to see a strong, confident man. Just ask the women on this forum, strength and confidence are high on the list of what they're looking for in a man. Your wife this is no different.

 

Want to appear strong and confident? Do a complete 180 of what you're doing right now. Give the appearence that OK, you don't like the cards you've been delt, but you're going to move on.

 

Obviously since you're still living together you can't go NC, but go limited contact. Do not call asking how her day is going, how's she's doing, etc. At home, limit your conversations to daily maintance issues; financial issues, logistics, things like this. If she engages you in conversation, make your answers short and to the point. Don't volunteer information. Be scarse around the home. Just get up and leave, don't volunteer where you're going. Make her ask. If she asks, tell her you're going out to get some air, going to go do X, Y, or Z, yada yada. Just get out. An idle mind is the devil's playground.

 

Spend time engaged in any hobbies you have. If you don't belong to a gym, join one. Exercise is a great stress relief, and you're under a lot of stress right now. It's also a great place to meet new people, especially women. Don't tell her you've joined the gym, but give hints. Changing into workout clothes, leaving with your new gymbag, coming home sweaty and smelly. Once again don't volunteer info, but if she asks, tell her. Also invite her to come with you. When she declines, say "Ok", nothing else, then leave.

 

Do you attend church or other house of worship? There are alot of spirital people who will counsel and help you through this. God will help and give you strength, all you have to do is ask. On Sunday, invite your wife to go to church with you. If she declines, say "Ok", and get dressed and go. When you get home, don't say anything about it. Let her come to you.

 

You need to be distant toward her. She needs to be intrigued about you and what you're doing. This may lead to her seeing what she's missing, and the husband she took for granted.

 

Hopefully she'll come to you about all this. You'll know when she opens her door, then you can waltz in and begin to repair your marriage.

 

I don't know you or your wife. Only you know you, your wife, and your limitations, goals, and concerns. My above advice may or may not work, but you will never know unless you try.

 

Right now you are losing this battle. It's time to change your tactics in an attempt to win this war. You need to look at it in this light because you are in a war to win back your wife and marriage.

[lupa]

seibert -- she is not "cheating" on me physically, but she was being pursued by some douchebag in california who she knew before we married on facebook. This all started at about the time things for us were going downhill, and I'm sure she was having an emotional affair.

 

Here's the thing -- I was doing the same thing, but in my head. There was a girl I let get away, actually because I had met my wife-to-be. The girl was in NYC, I am outside of Pittsburgh. I had a conversation with my wife one night out at a bar on New Year's (we hung out with the same group of people but weren't friends yet) where I said I was dropping everything and going to new york to find this girl. But throughout that night I started thinking about the girl I was talking to. We talked, dated, fell in love, etc. Well, over the course of the last year (not this one), I can't tell you how many times I said to myself, "I should have f'ing gone to new york." I was picturing this girl during sex for a while. I was resenting the hell out of everything my wife did.

 

But I looked in the mirror and said to myself, "when you said 'I do' it meant forever. It meant through thick and thin, and this woman deserves your respect and love, because she is a good person, and she makes you a better person, too."

 

Maybe the two situations aren't the same, maybe I didn't do to her what she is doing to me...I don't know. But I got over it, and thought I was handling this like an adult, like a man. The woman deserves respect and love, and I should try to be the best husband to her I can be.

 

She is going to move to her parents' house after the weekend. I don't think she is going to stop this emotional affair at first, I think it is "validating" her, because she has massive insecurity issues. I keep telling her that she doesn't need to be insecure around me, but that is like telling water it doesn't need to run downhill. So, this outside attention is fueling her reason to exist.

 

I understand all this, and I hate it. I hate that I didn't do the best for her that I could. I hate that I'm finally ready to have children with her and start a family and she's not. I hate that I failed at this.

 

And I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to be alone, that this was my one shot, that I don't know how to be successful or love someone the right way.

 

I'm scared.

 

 

...on a side note, my parents have been phenomenal, and I'm ashamed of myself for not thinking they would be. I want to talk to her family this weekend...somehow I think that will be cathartic...and then just let it go.

 

She said she wouldn't date while we are separated, but I don't know how she is defining this whole "affair" in her head right now. I kind of want to go out on some dates, presenting up front my situation, and hopefully finding someone who is understanding and I can just have a good time with. Dinners, drinks, movies, whatever. Things that I used to love that I haven't enjoyed in years.

 

Sucks that during my marriage I lost all my hair. lol. I keep it clipped short, but that is going to be a tough thing to overcome right now.

[SRV]

Do not talk to her family, they will definitely side with her. At this point she has probably rewritten your marital history, no positive outcome will come of this. It will do more harm than good, just let it be.

 

You have to do the 180 at this point in time. You cannot force someone to love you or work on a marriage. You have to start looking out for yourself and prepare for life without her. If she decides that at some point that she wants to come back or not, you will be half way through this difficult journey. And you get to decide whether you would want her back. Good luck!

[lupa]

I just read this article

 

http://www.oprah.com/article/relationships/couples/200605-omag-emotional-cheating

 

 

...do I show it to my wife today?

[TrustInYourself]

I just read this article

 

http://www.oprah.com/article/relationships/couples/200605-omag-emotional-cheating

 

 

...do I show it to my wife today?

 

LOL, hell no don't show it to her. Why? Because it's weakness. You should not convey your attachment or try and convince her she's cheating. Counterproductive.

 

Just relax. Time is on your side. You're on the right track right now. It's good to understand your part in the relationship and how you took part in destroying your marriage.

 

People do not cheat, unless they are not having their emotional/physical/spritual needs met. Why point out the cheating? She's just going to tell you why, which will be your fault. Cast blame, be prepared to take some blame back. It's a pointless circle of love destroying banter.

 

It's better to just focus on what you have absolute control over, and that's your life and the way you are. Press with your efforts to build new friendships and rekindle old ones. Go out. Enjoy.

[flymetothemoon]

Hello Lupa,

 

My husband and I just separated(including a few months at home), and I understand everything you described. The loneliness, sadness, frustration, non-existent sex make life seem pointless.

 

The pain will last for many months for you. I am sure every family has its story. Nobody wants the breakup. Have you wondered why she chooses to get out? What do you really want in life? What do you do to make yourself happy? If your life only builds on her life, it's tiring for her. Don't think of yourself as a victim.

 

Live a normal life. Eat right, sleep well, talk with friends, and meet new people. I am in your situation. And it just doesn't feel right to date other people now. We need to fix our minds and figure out what we want in life. Do something that you enjoy doing everyday.

 

Marriage is a contact. If one person isn't getting the basic needs, this person will get out. In my situation, I try to keep minimal contact with him. He is a person without empathy. I used to think that given some separation time, he will calm down and see the marriage more clearly. But he keeps staying negative, every time he sees me, he says horrible things about me just like he always does, which makes me realize what a right decision to leave him. It reduces my pain.

 

Build a support system. I have been seeing my therapist. My second therapist is very helpful. I make a plan to call my friends everyday. I get every chance I can to go to the public. Find some friends who understand your situation and will support you. etc.

 

Now that I moved out, I am healing after several crying, and constant headaches. Try to learn something from this relationship, and hopefully don't make the same mistake again. We are humans, and we all look for happiness. Life is short, and let's face the reality and be happy again.

 

Create a life that you want to live in. And it starts from now, not from others.

 

My marriage is my first long term relationship, and this breakup is absolutely horrible. I have never lived by myself before, but I do now. I still firmly believe that there is a right person there for me. That person has to be emotional stable and have a big heart.

 

Things will get better as time gets by, I promise you.

[hopeful26]

Things will get better as time gets by, I promise you.

You speak the truth.

[lupa]

Update: after spending the weekend in close proximity (but still distant) because of a wedding and a event we hosted at our house for half her family, I went on a business trip. The trip didn't go well, and on the way back I asked if she could be home. I didn't mean like make everything better, but just so that I wasn't alone in the house. She could have stayed in the other room, etc, and she said yes.

 

...but what she meant was she waited around to see me before going to stay at her parents' house. Thank god my family is great...mom and dad both came over at like midnight last night to give me support, and mom actually stayed.

 

I told the soon-to-be-ex that if she left it was over, not like a threat, but rather as in, "if you leave now, I know you're never coming back." She said she doesn't know what it means and she needs time to figure it all out.

 

I need to start moving on. How does one do this? The little guy in my head that is hoping we work this out is getting quieter, and I'm a wreck. I'm non-functional at work (took the day off today) and am missing things because I can't pay attention. I still want it to work out, I still want her to come home and say we can try, but like I said, that is fading.

 

I just feel betrayed right now, and also am having that premature enlightenment that I will probably not ever be able to make her happy. I'm sure I'll go back to being a wreck in a little bit, and I want to stop telling her I'll be there for her.

 

I'm going to try to not contact her at all.

 

Also, I've gone around the house and taken down any picture that had her or her family in it, because I cannot bear to see them right now. Should I put them back up? So that when she comes over to get something, it will look like it doesn't bother me, or should I leave them put away..?

 

God this hurts so bad.

[seibert253]

Update: after spending the weekend in close proximity (but still distant) because of a wedding and a event we hosted at our house for half her family, I went on a business trip. The trip didn't go well, and on the way back I asked if she could be home. I didn't mean like make everything better, but just so that I wasn't alone in the house. She could have stayed in the other room, etc, and she said yes.

 

...but what she meant was she waited around to see me before going to stay at her parents' house. Thank god my family is great...mom and dad both came over at like midnight last night to give me support, and mom actually stayed.

 

I told the soon-to-be-ex that if she left it was over, not like a threat, but rather as in, "if you leave now, I know you're never coming back." She said she doesn't know what it means and she needs time to figure it all out.

 

I need to start moving on. How does one do this? The little guy in my head that is hoping we work this out is getting quieter, and I'm a wreck. I'm non-functional at work (took the day off today) and am missing things because I can't pay attention. I still want it to work out, I still want her to come home and say we can try, but like I said, that is fading.

 

I just feel betrayed right now, and also am having that premature enlightenment that I will probably not ever be able to make her happy. I'm sure I'll go back to being a wreck in a little bit, and I want to stop telling her I'll be there for her.

 

I'm going to try to not contact her at all.

 

Also, I've gone around the house and taken down any picture that had her or her family in it, because I cannot bear to see them right now. Should I put them back up? So that when she comes over to get something, it will look like it doesn't bother me, or should I leave them put away..?

 

God this hurts so bad.

 

If you haven't read up on the 180, research it and start. The 180 is not about winning her back, it's about winning YOU back. It's for you, not her. But, sometimes the consequences of the 180 involves a new sense on the part of the WS/SS. For whatever reason they sometimes come back to the relationship. If that happens, great, if not, great.

 

The old saying runs true, time heals all wounds. You will heal over time. The best thing to help you heal is remain busy. If you have hobbies, envelope yourself in them. Working out is a great stress reliever. If you don't belong to a gym, find a good one and join. It' also a great place to meet other people, especially other women. Nothing will help you heal faster than the attention of another woman.

 

Stay strong, remember we are all here for you.

[lupa]

If you haven't read up on the 180, research it and start. The 180 is not about winning her back, it's about winning YOU back. It's for you, not her. But, sometimes the consequences of the 180 involves a new sense on the part of the WS/SS. For whatever reason they sometimes come back to the relationship. If that happens, great, if not, great.

 

The old saying runs true, time heals all wounds. You will heal over time. The best thing to help you heal is remain busy. If you have hobbies, envelope yourself in them. Working out is a great stress reliever. If you don't belong to a gym, find a good one and join. It' also a great place to meet other people, especially other women. Nothing will help you heal faster than the attention of another woman.

 

Stay strong, remember we are all here for you.

Thank you for that last part. It is nice to know that there are people out there who offer help and support to a random person who is in pain.

 

...as for the 180, I'm pretty sure I screwed the pooch on that one. It is too late for most of it. I'm going to not pursue her now, and I am going to try to be strong, but right now I've been gutted and have been weak for weeks. I'll try it anyway, though.