Apart and shaken

[GorillaTheater]

Hi Gorilla, it's all part of a bigger game plan! Lup's means he's not gonna text back, wait for her next move when presented with LC. He is getting out and about, he was playing golf earlier today!

 

Well, okay. I was just concerned that Lupa was slipping into a "reactionary" and passive mindset instead of adopting a strong "proactive" mentality. Regardless of whether the marriage works out or not, it's the latter that's going to get you the furthest.

[lupa]

Well, okay. I was just concerned that Lupa was slipping into a "reactionary" and passive mindset instead of adopting a strong "proactive" mentality. Regardless of whether the marriage works out or not, it's the latter that's going to get you the furthest.

I've been trying to get out, and the comment above was much more in terms of this contact game we are now playing.

 

When I'm out and about, though, the only thing I think about is this disintegrating marriage, except those times I went out with a woman. Just like when I was in that airport bar in Atlanta...my brain was able to turn it off for a while, and holy man it was a great relief.

 

I guess I'll just not contact her in any way, and just let go.

[tojaz]

I would at least give her the time she asked for, common respect. It seems to me NC can just as easily be about what you choose to share as it is if you choose to share.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Lupa, just keep doing what you have been doing, I think it's working. I don't want to get your hope up but just like my feeling re her texting again before you even replied, I think when you get home tomorrow, it won't be long before she comes a knocking! I could be wrong, but I have a good feeling about this.

[lupa]

Lupa, just keep doing what you have been doing, I think it's working. I don't want to get your hope up but just like my feeling re her texting again before you even replied, I think when you get home tomorrow, it won't be long before she comes a knocking! I could be wrong, but I have a good feeling about this.

I don't. Not at all. She just cashed a check for $500, saw it when I checked on the accounts, and she knows I check the accounts...and I want to ask about it. WTF? I'm all fired up now.

[LisaUk]

OK, don't do anything rash, that is worrying. Is there anything you can think of she would need that money for?

[tojaz]

I don't. Not at all. She just cashed a check for $500, saw it when I checked on the accounts, and she knows I check the accounts...and I want to ask about it. WTF? I'm all fired up now.

 

Open your own account and start putting the cash there. If she wants to live alone, let it be alone! No help from you, thats part of NC, harsh but true. The easier you make it for her, the longer shell play.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Well, we have separate but linked accounts, which means we can one click transfer money back and forth. She is getting a lot of unemployment comp right now (it is sickening, actually), so technically I guess she can do whatever she wants, except that we still have a lot of joint bills that we need to pay out.

 

I think I need to call about this. I'm not going to, but I need to. This is so stupid.

[tojaz]

Well, we have separate but linked accounts, which means we can one click transfer money back and forth. She is getting a lot of unemployment comp right now (it is sickening, actually), so technically I guess she can do whatever she wants, except that we still have a lot of joint bills that we need to pay out.

 

I think I need to call about this. I'm not going to, but I need to. This is so stupid.

 

As long as the cash came from her account, I wouldn't worry about it. If she dips into yours, I would unlink them or something. Maybe do it anyways, just don't tell her. Stuff like that hits home, makes it real. I remember I got hit hard when the wife seperated our cell phone contract. She didn't even tell me, her phone just disappeared. Stung for days.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

but again, we have bills to cover that the $500 impacts. We always transferred $$ back and forth...kinda like one big account, except with different debit cards. I'm going to have to call her about it at some point.

[tojaz]

Just noticed your established Lupa, I shot you a PM.

[lupa]

I called her about the $500 because I was not going to let it ruin my last family dinner here on vacation.

 

we talked about it for a bit, she said it felt like I was monitoring her. I said, "Well, you've never in the six years I've known you taken out anything more than $40, so yeah, I'm watching the accounts. I had no idea if you were the one who got it, what was going on, and quite frankly, now that I'm in charge, I'm going to watch the account."

 

This part didn't go well, because then she started about the country club...the same club she went on the interview to...and how that bill is so ridiculous. Tring to start fights again.

 

So finally I was like, "look...we need to spend a little time together to see if anything is worth saving here. If we can't talk, if we can't be friends, fine, so be it. At one time I would have said there was something worth fighting for, but I don't know any more. You can say yes, you can say no...either way, I'm moving on, with or without you."

 

After some debate we settled on Sunday night she would come over.

 

I had to do it, I had to turn the screws just a bit. I'm done living this way, I suck at no contact because it makes me stew. I told her I need closure on this part of my life, this struggle -- if it works, great, if it doesn't, well, that's fine, too.

 

I think if I'm in control of the trajectory of this, I'm going to be better off, rather than sit and wait and watch her ignore it.

 

I made sure to mention I had a good two weeks, and she responded that hers was terrible. I tried to be nice and ask why, and got very little other than she is unhappy. I let it drop.

 

I'm not fighting her any more, nor am I just fighting for it on principle. I waffle, I backslide, I am torturing myself every day. So now, I'm out to see if I'm even going to consider taking her back, at some point, some time.

 

Maybe coming here and listening (and screwing up on the execution) has given me one thing -- I've been laying down too long. No contact is not my style, I'm more of a take charge or at least have some control guy. I'm going to be the real me in this...I'm going to be myself. If it fails, I'll know I gave it my all.

 

If it fails, I'll know I can move on.

[tojaz]

 

I made sure to mention I had a good two weeks, and she responded that hers was terrible. I tried to be nice and ask why, and got very little other than she is unhappy. I let it drop.

 

 

 

This sounds promising, well played Lupa! keep us posted,

[lupa]

The part I didn't post earlier (I was in a hurry) was when I asked her to come over tomorrow, and she said she couldn't. Being nice...and really, I didn't even care what the answer was...I asked, "Oh. Sure...why not?"

 

The response:

 

"The thought of it nauseates me."

 

...

 

...

 

I said, "If the thought of me, as a person, as your husband, nauseates you, then the solution to this one is simple."

 

Immediately, "No, that's not it...I need time to prepare. I need to be ready."

 

I said, "Well, fine then. Take all the time you need to get ready. I'm starting my life again, so whenever you want to meet is fine."

 

"We said Sunday."

 

"Fine, come over on Sunday, I'll make sure I'm home."

 

She said, "We'll talk on Sunday to set a time."

 

Me: "Do what you got to do, when you got to do it. We don't need to 'set a time' on Sunday, we don't need to coordinate. I have things to do in my life, not the least of which is take care of our house, so as I said, I will be home on Sunday."

 

"I, uhhh..."

 

"With or without you, I'm moving forward from here."

 

Silence.

 

 

This is a personal 180 point for me...in the past I would have tried to placate her, or smooth it out, but now I'm going to be more "Listen, I'm getting busy living. You are more than welcome to join, but I'm not waiting around."

 

I'm not calling her, I'm not asking anything, I'm not starting a conversation with her. I'll be home Sunday, cutting grass, weeding, doing laundry, drinking beer, playing with the cats, hanging an attic fan, playing the piano, and figuring out how I'm going to build the golf green in the front lawn that she nixed a year and a half ago.

 

Baby steps to the goal...but like I said, I'm more of the proactive type, and this is step one in getting ME back. I still need her, I still want her, but I'm also going to pay attention to my other needs and wants...

 

...like Gunny and TrustInYourself and Chrome B and everyone else told me to do a month and a half ago. lol.

[MrMayI]

good job lupa. a green in the front yard is an ingenious idea. i don't know what she's thinking.

[Gunny376]

 

Gunny -- maybe Parris Island is closer than I thought...just across the sound, I looked it up on Google maps. I guess we could hear the rifle practice. Pretty cool, actually.

 

The ranges are located just opposite of Hilton Head Island. so that was what your heard ~ 250 M-16A1's going off from sunup until early in the afternoon, Mon - Fri. The Sound is a restricted waterway while firing is going on.

 

The water amplifies the sound of the gunfire.

[Gunny376]

Its starting to wain on her that you going here and there, doing this and that, along with the NC.

 

The statement that you had a good two weeks while on vacation ~ while she was miserable is a tell-tale sign of such.

 

Ultimately you need to be yourself. If your a 'take-charge' kind of guy than be one. Seize the day and grab the bull by the horns.

 

You've no control over the marriage, where its headed nor her.

 

What you do have control over is your life, and yourself.

 

You and you alone hold the keys to the chains that bind you. Not her. She's waffling and is working off of emotion. She's caught between her emotional state of mind and her logical state.

 

Most women tend to operate of their emotional state of mind, rather than their logical/rational state. (Most ~ not all! There are quite a few very, very logical/rational women here at LS.)

 

But what it comes down to? You've reached the point to where come Hell or high water? You want your life back. You want control of your life back.

 

Your the one that has control of that ~ not her.

 

All of this self doubt, confusion, misery, heart ache, heartbreak end the very minute you decide for it to end.

 

I wouldn't give out any ultimatums, but I would let her know the above.

 

Don't be ugly, mean spirited, hateful, about it. Just let her know your done playing this game, and either she in or she's out? Just that plain and simple.

 

Were it me? I would let her know that I would be willing to do any and everything I could with her in reconciling with her. Anything short of becoming a supplicating, @zz kissing shell of a man.

 

As for the $500? You were right to call her on it. Especially if it impacts on current debts and obligations? Were it me? That would be the last time that happened.

 

Of course from hard earned experienced? I will never be dependent on some woman's income to pay the bills anyway.

 

While we're on the subject of finances my man, you should be running a credit check on your credit every three months. Since by law? You're entitled to free credit reports (one each year) you can check it for free once a quarter from one of the three major credit reporting agencies each quarter.

 

Least you find yourself with some credit cards and charges you don't know about.

 

Personally? (And I say this from my own personal experience), I'd drop the bomb on her, and hand her ~ her @zz as she walked out the door!

 

The day any woman walks out the door on me? She's gets the following:

 

"If you want to leave? That's fine! But understand this and understand it well! Once I hear the 'closing of the door!" Your history, your nothing but a memory to me! There's no coming back ~ ever! I don't care if you change your mind five seconds after doing so!"

 

LadyJane14 and Wolfe, (Who no longer post here, but have reconciled their marriages) used this approach from the 'git-go' and in the nineteen years that I've been studying marriage, romance, dating and mating, seduction,............................. is the only approach that seems to work.

 

Not to say its 100% effective,.................

 

They still may walk on you?

 

But you know what?

 

If they do?

 

It was only a matter and question of time before they did so in the first place?

 

If they do walk on you? They're just stalling and buying time to get their ducks in a row. They've already made their minds up long ago! Especially with women.

 

A woman doesn't just up and leave a man out of the blue. Its like the "Great Escape" they've been planning and plotting for a long, long time. Sometimes years.

 

I've seen posters on here (which I won't name) who got played for as long as 25 to 28 years!!!!! (One WAW [Walk A Wife] was having an affair for the entire 25 years they were married ~ with he HS sweetheart!])

 

When someone walks out on you? All it means is that you've got to get off your dead @zz and go find yourself someone else.

 

Now, about this dating bit?

 

It might not be such a bad idea?

 

People want what other people want ~ especially women. (Again I'm not generalizing)

 

When the DW see's that your out and about, having a good time, enjoying yourself, having a good time? Its going to be like the Arizona taking one in the bow at Pearl Harbor!

 

If that's what you've got to do to get you out of the 'Blues" then do it!

 

When she brings it up?

 

Just tell her!

 

"Well you don't seem to want me? So I looking for someone who does? I'm tired of sitting around at home playing with the cats!"

 

What this is all about? Is a power struggle.

 

She's 'bitch-testing' you to see if your a real man?

 

Rent the John Wayne movie "McClintock" (I'm absolutely postive I spelled that wrong, but its right phonically)

 

I understand your having a hard time wrapping some my words around your head about NC, and that your a 'take-charge' kind of guy.

 

But you've got her on the 'run' with the NC, like a 'fox on the run!'

 

You say your weak with the NC, but its the NC that's got her texting you and emailing you about the damned cats?

 

The two week vacation while she was having a 'miserable' two weeks? Ate her up! She was thinking about you the whole and entire time!

 

In her mind? You were partying, golfing, having a good time, partying on River Street in Savanah, talking and dancing the Shag with young hot cuties HBX10 (Hotbabes X's 10) from Savanah State College, while she was dialing for dollars on the state's un-employment line!

 

You need to 'flip' this from if she's coming back to wheather your going to take her back.

 

What your not getting? What your not understanding in all of this is that your still thinking in and of the mindset that your still back in HS or college.

 

Trust me! I got caught up in the Great 'Puddin' drought of 1991! Couldn't get 'laid' with a $1000 cash, a fresh Visa, Mastercard, nor an American Express Card and a mile long AmTrac train of hookers just fresh out out of Vegas fresh off the 'Bunny Ranch!"

 

You? You as a man have an appreciating asset and she? She as a woman has a depreciating asset.

 

Not to say that about any and all women? But way too many women put way to much of their self worth in their personal apperance.

[LisaUk]

[quote

I'll be home Sunday, cutting grass, weeding, doing laundry, drinking beer, playing with the cats, hanging an attic fan, playing the piano, and figuring out how I'm going to build the golf green in the front lawn that she nixed a year and a half ago.

 

Blimey a man who does laundry? Actually cuts ths grass and does the DIY around the house, where have you been all my life! I cleaned my ex's shoes for him, HE DID NOTHING!

[Gunny376]

Blimey a man who does laundry? Actually cuts ths grass and does the DIY around the house, where have you been all my life!

I cleaned my ex's shoes for him, HE DID NOTHING!

 

Do it everyday! As needed when needed!!

 

No one to do it for me!

 

So guess what?

 

That leaves ~ guess who to do it?

 

Me!

 

Take a wild guess as to who how to go on-line and learn how to properly do laundry"

[Gunny376]

Of course I've known how to wash and iron since bootcamp in '75 and before!

[LisaUk]

Of course I've known how to wash and iron since bootcamp in '75 and before!

 

Yes, I've known a couple of marines before, they certainly know how to iron!

[LisaUk]

Yes, I've known a couple of marines before, they certainly know how to iron!

 

We had one ex marine refit our bathroom, was the most curteous, hard working and tidy workman have ever had do any work in my house.

[lupa]

I came back home...new pictures were up on the wall to replace the ones I pulled down when she walked out. Paintings this time, not the family pics, but I thought that was odd. Also, all the flower beds have been weeded, some other random stuff taken care of...

 

i don't know what to think anymore.

 

She's coming over tomorrow to meet and talk. I'm not going to push things about the future. I'm going to keep it focused on what I've been saying here recently, I think -- I'm moving forward, with or without you. I will do anything to make this work, short of laying down and an being ineffectual nothing. if she is not willing to put in the time or effort, fine, so be it. I'm not going to threaten or anything, I'm just going to start going on dates, and I'm certainly not going to tell her.

 

This whole thing is so ****ing stupid. I'm not the enemy, I'm a good guy who is willing to try...why is she coming over? Why is she weeding the flowers? Why is she hanging pics?

 

I try to keep any interaction to a minimum...I had to call about the things in the house (but I didn't mention the weeding or paintings...some of her clothes that were on the floor were gone, turns out she put them in a basket in the spare room), like to ask if anything was gone. I did not want to walk around here looking for stuff all day long. When that ended I said I'd like to grill some stuff up for dinner tomorrow, so she should come over then. She said she'll see, and I went, "Ok, have a good day then," and as she was saying "You too, have a good..."

 

"K. bye." *click*

 

Just for the record, the one cat will not leave me alone. He missed me, I think. I'm keeping this one if this all goes down badly. She can have the other little cocksucker. I never liked him anyway.

 

Ok, people who have been through this before, I have a question:

 

HOW DO I SETTLE DOWN NOW?

 

Xanax?

 

Beer?

 

Hypnosis?

 

I'm not kidding...I think this stress is shortening my life.

[lupa]

...as if that wasn't enough, the phone just rang.

 

"My car won't pass inspection without new tires, what do you want me to do."

 

I bought her a relatively expensive SUV, so the whole thing is going to run about $1000 by the time we're done.

 

I said, "Looks like that $500 you took out is going to have to last you for some time, then."

 

We were going back and forth, and in response to her, "What do you want?" I said, "I want us to work as a team."

 

She started about how she didn't want to get into the marriage conversation and she was with her mother standing there watching this all, and I said, "My dear, you've misunderstood me. I meant that this feels confrontational, and I'm your friend. I meant we should be able to work through these little things without stress. Please do me the favor and explain to your mom that was what I was talking about, and not that I was pressuring you about our marriage. I don't want her to think I'm a d*ck."

 

I'm not kidding, this was the response: "Well, she's in the store, so don't worry about it."

 

Within 20 seconds she is contradicting herself, looking to ratchet up the tension. Her mother wasn't there, her mother wasn't watching. I think I'm going to relish being Mr Cool Ice for a while, and not fighting her.

 

I told her that I most certainly don't want to talk about the marriage anymore, and to put it on her credit card (the one in her name). I'll pay it off slowly. I also explained that my car is going to need the suspension looked at (110000 miles), so these things happen.

 

Then I said "let me know how much it costs, I'll see you later."

 

"Ok, I'll talk to you tom..."

 

*click*

[MrMayI]

...as if that wasn't enough, the phone just rang.

 

"My car won't pass inspection without new tires, what do you want me to do."

 

I bought her a relatively expensive SUV, so the whole thing is going to run about $1000 by the time we're done.

 

I said, "Looks like that $500 you took out is going to have to last you for some time, then."

 

We were going back and forth, and in response to her, "What do you want?" I said, "I want us to work as a team."

 

She started about how she didn't want to get into the marriage conversation and she was with her mother standing there watching this all, and I said, "My dear, you've misunderstood me. I meant that this feels confrontational, and I'm your friend. I meant we should be able to work through these little things without stress. Please do me the favor and explain to your mom that was what I was talking about, and not that I was pressuring you about our marriage. I don't want her to think I'm a d*ck."

 

I'm not kidding, this was the response: "Well, she's in the store, so don't worry about it."

 

Within 20 seconds she is contradicting herself, looking to ratchet up the tension. Her mother wasn't there, her mother wasn't watching. I think I'm going to relish being Mr Cool Ice for a while, and not fighting her.

 

I told her that I most certainly don't want to talk about the marriage anymore, and to put it on her credit card (the one in her name). I'll pay it off slowly. I also explained that my car is going to need the suspension looked at (110000 miles), so these things happen.

 

Then I said "let me know how much it costs, I'll see you later."

 

"Ok, I'll talk to you tom..."

 

*click*

 

personally, i think you're handling everything just fine. i know the feeling about the car stuff. my truck has well over 120,000 miles on it, and i just bought my wife a really nice car last year. i was set to get a motorcycle this month, and a new truck just after new year's. both of those are going to have to be put off for quite sometime. keep playing it cool, lupa. i've just started on that tip, and it really makes one feel better about things. it's not that i'm necessarily playing it, as much as i'm really feeling it. i know what must be done, if it must be done.