Apart and shaken

[lupa]

The problem is that right now I'm obsessing, and I have other stuff I need to be doing. I can't focus on anything else.

 

Grr.

 

Gonna try to forget for a while.

[lupa]

F me, I cried for the first time days...frankly, I think it had been a week.

 

How can this friggin woman have such power over me? I don't even care about the alleged affair or not affair or whatever anyone saw. I've already imagined the worst in my mind, so I've been through that nightmare already. That isn't it. It is the lack of respect that that b*tch can't call me back to let me say one simple thing so I could let go and get back to work.

 

I need a plan, and you people are going to have to help me.

 

1) Keep exercising -- this I'm going to skip tonight because my buddy is coming over to just hang out. I'll probably drink a bottle of vodka or something.

 

2) Take care of this freaking house until I can sell.

 

3) Get back into the game at work...I've neglected it for too long. I actually made some progress today, until this bullsh*t started in the afternoon.

 

4) Sleep.

 

5) Put together a plan to get out an meet new people. Suggestions now, please. The town I moved to (because of that b*tch) is nice, but it is higher end, and older. The dying town over doesn't have many people I want to hang out with. We need to figure out how to meet 30 yr old women. I don't even know where to start. I hid my match.com profile, because I just don't think that is how I want to start. I'm not going to delete it, but I just put it away for a bit.

 

6) Let it go. I'm done, it's over. All contact stops, I am not going to return her calls. I'll just wait for the divorce papers to show up.

 

7) Let it go. That was in case there is something that makes me think we can get this back. We can't. I had done so well this morning. Sh*t.

 

...all the bars I used to go to have 22 yr olds.

 

Where does one begin now?

[NopeNah]

Oh how I love me some 22yr old ladies! What worked for me was getting a "new" set of friends. My other friends are all in long term relationships/married. However, they are also a big help with their SO's single friends at times. The new group opened more possibility's than I can even count. Soooo many single girls out there I can't beleive I had forgotten how much fun it is to date! Get out there and live it up, lupa!

[LisaUk]

Hi Lupa,

 

Firstly, the word you use to describe her is the one I wanted to use but thought better of as only you have that right! Just thought I would let you know you are not alone in that thought!

 

Secondly, I'm so sorry that you have been treated this way, I'm not surprised you cried it must be very painful.

 

Thirdly, I too hid my match profile, I'm getting e-mail from all sorts of weirdo's! I don't want to go that route either.

 

Forthly, in answer to your question, where do you start meeting 30 year old women? I don't know, as I would like to know how to go about finding a relationship at my age of 33 with a man of similar age, who knows?

What I do know is that you need to take your time, if you jump into a relationship now you are heading for REBOUND. NEVER GOOD.

 

Lastly, the question of how we move on, welcome to the club! Honestly I don't know yet, I guess all I can say is take one hour at a time, then build up to a morning, then an afternoon, live for today, one day at a time is all you can do right now. That's what my best friend advised me and is what I have found helps the most. I find if I look too far into the future, it just dredges up his memory and of the life we would/should have had together, it's too much to cope with.

 

We can do this together Lupa, all of us here, we will do this together.

[tojaz]

Yeah Lupa, your not alone. I'm having all the same feelings, and all the same worries. I don't know how to F@#Kin Date, I haven't done it since right after high school. I don't even know that I'm ready for that yet. I still cry on occasion. I try very hard not to, but it builds up and you have to let it out. Were all in this together bud, it just may be typing, but were here to lean on.

TOJAZ

[dlim]

lupa, stay strong man I feel for you. I went thru the same thing, I knew my marriage was over and I had convinced myself I didn't need or want her back but was still in a deep state of confusion and despair. Not sure where I read it but what helped me out was to realize that it wasn't the lost love that hurt me but was my ego that was scared and my self esteem that was hurt. True love means that no matter what you should want happiness for the one you once loved and sometimes letting go is the only answer. If you ever really loved her you should be able to let her go. Its not that you want her back but its your ego that needs to be fed by knowing she needs you. I think the scenario was "Its like a child who doesn't want a toy until another kid is playing with it. Its not that he likes the toy he just wants it because someone else has it." As long as you can see it like that it will be easier to let it go, at least I though so. Hope this helps, might just be the some more of my meaningless ramblings

[TrustInYourself]

Rage dude. Pull your head out your ass and get out there. Get to the gym. Talk and joke with the hot chick there? Go out for dance classes, divorce support groups, snowboard trips with ladies from work, go outside your normal social network. Destroy everything in your path as far as getting out there.

 

If it was me, I'd call up my old buddies who are mostly single. That's if you have problems emotionally right now.

 

As I began to transition to acceptance, I made it my ultimate goal to be able to talk to new people. I was always smiling and just throwing conversation out there to random people. That's me, though. That's something I sacrificed being married.

 

I am strange though. I am an extrovert naturally. I love learning about myself through interacting with others.

 

If you got the balls, I have some suggestions for you.

[TrustInYourself]

I read your post from yesterday after your meeting. Why did you let that bitch draw a reaction out of you. I read all these posts about being stoic and I read your post and I'm like what the fudgepack.

 

Well, it's kinda expected since you are still fragile. In my situation, I ignored the bull****. At times we met up, I knew what to expect from her and shut it down by not reacting or leaving lol. I do not feed into that negativity, it's all a test on whether you are her pawn.

 

Whatever, dude, it's all good. She is the one who walked out. Time for you to press with your life and well-being.

[lupa]

I read your post from yesterday after your meeting. Why did you let that bitch draw a reaction out of you. I read all these posts about being stoic and I read your post and I'm like what the fudgepack.

 

Well, it's kinda expected since you are still fragile. In my situation, I ignored the bull****. At times we met up, I knew what to expect from her and shut it down by not reacting or leaving lol. I do not feed into that negativity, it's all a test on whether you are her pawn.

 

Whatever, dude, it's all good. She is the one who walked out. Time for you to press with your life and well-being.

After the meeting I was fine. We ended on an ok note, with me saying, make sure this is what you want, and closing her car door and walking back into the house.

 

It was the phone call yesterday that started this terrible reaction...on the phone she got accusatory towards me that I don't respect her, and I made the mistake of saying, "I did, until you broke your oath to me, now I don't know what to think." In response to something she said like, "Way to show your love" after the "try to win me back" BS, I said,

 

"Honey, there is nothing about you to love right now."

 

She yelped and then started saying something as I was saying something and I don't know who hung up first, but I think it pretty much was a tie.

 

I wish I was more in control of my emotions, I had done well the night before. I had made progress for half a day.

 

I think I'm going to have to go through being alone for a while...I mean physically, here, alone at night. Exercise, clean, yardwork. I am going to make a great effort at work to stay focused.

 

I still want her back, I do, but not this current woman. I yearn for my old, comfortable life, flawed as it was. But now the long haul starts...the real no contact, the real working on myself, the real rebuilding time. Everything before this morning was "premature enlightenment," the lessons were there, and I was trying. Every time I backslide, I'm resetting the timer on this. Goodbye, and good riddance.

 

The cat is in the other room right now, not even meowing...it is like he is calling out. I'm not exaggerating, he's doing that "wail" thing they do when they're unhappy. Without even thinking, I just yelled to him in response, "She's not f*cking here. Quit looking for her, she's gone, she quit on all of us."

 

I just yelled to my cat and 7:45 in the morning that she bailed on our little family.

 

...he quit wailing.

[LisaUk]

After the meeting I was fine. We ended on an ok note, with me saying, make sure this is what you want, and closing her car door and walking back into the house.

 

It was the phone call yesterday that started this terrible reaction...on the phone she got accusatory towards me that I don't respect her, and I made the mistake of saying, "I did, until you broke your oath to me, now I don't know what to think." In response to something she said like, "Way to show your love" after the "try to win me back" BS, I said,

 

"Honey, there is nothing about you to love right now."

 

She yelped and then started saying something as I was saying something and I don't know who hung up first, but I think it pretty much was a tie.

 

I wish I was more in control of my emotions, I had done well the night before. I had made progress for half a day.

 

I think I'm going to have to go through being alone for a while...I mean physically, here, alone at night. Exercise, clean, yardwork. I am going to make a great effort at work to stay focused.

 

I still want her back, I do, but not this current woman. I yearn for my old, comfortable life, flawed as it was. But now the long haul starts...the real no contact, the real working on myself, the real rebuilding time. Everything before this morning was "premature enlightenment," the lessons were there, and I was trying. Every time I backslide, I'm resetting the timer on this. Goodbye, and good riddance.

 

The cat is in the other room right now, not even meowing...it is like he is calling out. I'm not exaggerating, he's doing that "wail" thing they do when they're unhappy. Without even thinking, I just yelled to him in response, "She's not f*cking here. Quit looking for her, she's gone, she quit on all of us."

 

I just yelled to my cat and 7:45 in the morning that she bailed on our little family.

 

...he quit wailing.

 

Hey Lupa,

I know what you mean about the cat, mine still looks round if you say my exes name. Hopefully you will find comfort in your cats, sit and watch some tv with them on your lap, mine is a great comfort and a great joy to me.

 

I think you are right about some alone time, your need to focus on yourself and relax. All this s**t we are all experiencing is so stressful then when you finally know it is over, the hurt and sadness kick in, mix a bit of anger in and you feel like you are losing your mind. Now is the time to grieve, to grieve the loss of your old comfortable life. I know this yearning, I was so b*****y happy and content. Now is also the time to think of yourself and put yourself first. Do things that you enjoy. Tojaz said to me to find something my ex didn't care for that I enjoyed and do that. It might be a simple thing like watching a movie she didn't like.

[PWSX3]

 

I still want her back, I do, but not this current woman. I yearn for my old, comfortable life, flawed as it was.

I feel this is what most people think they want but once you get down the road and start looking & working on yourself you will realize it wasn't the person you wanted but the security of the marriage.

 

You even say; I want my comfortable life back, we are afraid of the unknown, but you would be willing to go back to something that wasn't good just because that is what you are used to......

 

You need to get out & try new things. I remember dgiirl saying she would go out & try on new cloths, ones that she would never think she would wear & she learned there are other styles that she likes.............

 

Yes it is hard but life does get better, I was one of those that doubted it...

[lupa]

 

You even say; I want my comfortable life back, we are afraid of the unknown, but you would be willing to go back to something that wasn't good just because that is what you are used to......

Well, and I think this is why I'm having a tough time moving on...I've done so much introspection already, I've learned so much about how I communicated with her and missed what she was saying, that I want to try to move forward with us together, not back to like it was.

 

As for needing the security of a marriage, oh yeah, 100% that is my biggest fear. I was really starting to hope we got pregnant every month, and then I was disappointed when it didn't happen. I had never really been there before, and I was liking the prospects of a family.

 

Dammit, I can't tell the difference between my wants and needs. I need to sleep, I need to eat. Do I need a family? I want her back, but I don't need her back...but I think I really, really want a family, and that is at the root of my suffering.

 

God, this is so f'ing hard.

 

i'm going to call the doctor today to see him for some sleep/anxiety something or other. I tried this drug free for 12 weeks now, and I can't take it anymore.

[phineas]

Yeah Lupa, your not alone. I'm having all the same feelings, and all the same worries. I don't know how to F@#Kin Date, I haven't done it since right after high school. I don't even know that I'm ready for that yet. I still cry on occasion. I try very hard not to, but it builds up and you have to let it out. Were all in this together bud, it just may be typing, but were here to lean on.

TOJAZ

 

I got teary eyed on my way to the divorce lawyer & after but not since then.

 

I'm in your boat. I was never a "dater" I didn't play the field.

I am the clueless guy & I had a house I was renovating so I really didn't have time for women or more accuratly time for the games.

 

90% of my dates in the past were because the woman got tired of flirting with me & asked me out.

 

The other 10% were women that flirted with me to get something out of me so I was always cautious.

 

I'm meeting with some single friends for happy hour & their friends this week so we'll see how that goes.

[LisaUk]

I got teary eyed on my way to the divorce lawyer & after but not since then.

 

I'm in your boat. I was never a "dater" I didn't play the field.

I am the clueless guy & I had a house I was renovating so I really didn't have time for women or more accuratly time for the games.

 

90% of my dates in the past were because the woman got tired of flirting with me & asked me out.

 

The other 10% were women that flirted with me to get something out of me so I was always cautious.

 

I'm meeting with some single friends for happy hour & their friends this week so we'll see how that goes.

 

Not all women are into game playing, I know I'm not! I haven't dated since high school either and the BFs I had before my ex were real teen stuff, so I don't have a clue either. It makes me feel better to know that there are guys out there that are sruggling with it to though and it's not just me.

[lupa]

i think everyone struggles with it, lis, which is why dating sucks so bad. If we were all just honest about what we wanted, and not afraid of rejection, then it would be easier.

 

Every time I get turned down in the future, I'm going to tell myself it was because her dog just died and she doesn't know what she is missing.

[LisaUk]

i think everyone struggles with it, lis, which is why dating sucks so bad. If we were all just honest about what we wanted, and not afraid of rejection, then it would be easier.

 

Every time I get turned down in the future, I'm going to tell myself it was because her dog just died and she doesn't know what she is missing.

 

:laugh:

 

Ok I'll do the same then, if he doesn't ask me out or doesn't call (why do men do that, say they will then don't, so annoying, if you don't like me then just say, was nice to meet you, bye), I'll just think their dog died etc.

[lupa]

Somebody tell me this will all be ok, because right now it does not feel at all like it is going to be ok.

[MrMayI]

Somebody tell me this will all be ok, because right now it does not feel at all like it is going to be ok.

 

dude, this is going to be ok. for everyone here. especially you. i know it sounds tough, but try and think of your convo with the lady in the airport. remember how nice that felt? how new? just think man. you get to have experiences like that every day if you allow yourself to.

[lupa]

dude, this is going to be ok. for everyone here. especially you. i know it sounds tough, but try and think of your convo with the lady in the airport. remember how nice that felt? how new? just think man. you get to have experiences like that every day if you allow yourself to.

...there is nowhere around here to do stuff like that. Or, I'm sure there is, but I have no idea how to find it, because I'm still stuck in the middle of this.

 

I keep wanting to work things out, because we...GAH! STOP IT!

 

Let go.

 

LET GO.

 

LET GO!!!!

[LisaUk]

Somebody tell me this will all be ok, because right now it does not feel at all like it is going to be ok.

 

My best friend called today, she assures me it will be ok, she should know, her first serious BF broke it off with her after 7 years, although he did so in a correct manner trying to work things out for 6 months with her first. She was heartbroken at the time, I remember well, now she is married they are married 3 years, together 8 years and have a beautiful daughther nearly 2 years old. She said to me, I now thank my ex for leaving me, my life is so much better.

[LisaUk]

Lupa, I'd go out with you if I was there! You are a good looking man, with an intelligent, engaging wit (from your posts), you have much to offer, hell I wish I was there, I'd go out with you in a second! Quit worrying, you'll find someone easy, you're a catch!

[MrMayI]

Lupa, I'd go out with you if I was there! You are a good looking man, with an intelligent, engaging wit (from your posts), you have much to offer, hell I wish I was there, I'd go out with you in a second! Quit worrying, you'll find someone easy, you're a catch!

 

this is what i was driving at, but dude's can't tell each other that.

[lupa]

Thank you all. I think people just need to hear it every once in a while.

 

I think I set up a trip to the driving range (golf) with that 23 yr old from work tonight. We'll probably stop for drinks somewhere after.

 

...I have no idea what I'm doing any more. All I know is that I'm not initiating contact for a while.

 

I hope.

[LisaUk]

Thank you all. I think people just need to hear it every once in a while.

 

I think I set up a trip to the driving range (golf) with that 23 yr old from work tonight. We'll probably stop for drinks somewhere after.

 

...I have no idea what I'm doing any more. All I know is that I'm not initiating contact for a while.

 

I hope.

 

Sounds like a plan, go out have some fun.

[lupa]

Sounds like a plan, go out have some fun.

I just realized that I'm never going to get over her...I'm only going to hurt less and less.

 

With that realization, however, I felt a weight lift slightly off of me. Walking away, getting on with things, whatever it is I've heard people tell me so far...those didn't make sense to me.

 

The only thing that makes sense is that I have to hold on to this part of my life forever, and one day it won't hurt as bad. I want to hold onto it now, so I don't make the same mistakes I did.

 

What a terrible price to pay...