Apart and shaken

[lupa]

I am disgusted more and more each day with humanity. Phineas, man, you sound like a stand-up kind of guy.

 

Stay strong, get rid of her, keep your kid healthy and happy. Good luck, man, good luck.

[lupa]

Well all, I've become overwhelmed with a sense of guilt that I have been so selfish during our marriage. I know that I also gave a hell of a lot to her, but I can see now where I should have done better. As I wrote earlier today, I will not second guess myself. Instead, I will take this knowledge to heart, I will be a better person.

 

...even writing this, I feel the weight lift.

 

Keep on trucking, folks, we'll get out the other side. This is like a long, dark, flat plain...the horizon and the sky are melded together...but we all know there is something at the other end. We don't know where that is, but I now know that we will get there.

[lupa]

triple post!! yes!!

 

 

 

ok, so I went out to a bar, and I swear to god I fell in love with one of the bartenders...she was just straight up gorgeous, with the kind of smile that just knocks your socks off.

 

It is practically impossible to pick up a woman who is working, so I didn't even consider a try...then, when I was walking down the hallway from the bathroom, I could see into the kitchen. She was there, grabbing a french fry (or a chip, I guess, for LisaUK) off of something in the kitchen. She looked up and saw me, and I gave her such a smile, and she just lost it. She knew she got caught, and it was classic.

 

For the rest of the night, my buddy even said to me that she was looking our way and that he wished it was for him. I didn't have the cojones to do anything about it tonight, but on the way out, I made sure she was walking by so that we would catch eyes again. I smiled, she said, "See you soon" and smiled so big...it was like that one moment where you know, or think, or hope, or have fun with, that there is the possibility for more.

 

I guess we'll go back within the next week, see if she is there. I'll make some lameass joke about stealing fries or something, see if I can catch her. Yes, I'm back to this level of corny, but c'mon, there's fun here.

 

I had a good night. Still can't imagine a different world, but going through the motions and telling myself everything else is over seems to be giving at least a little chance to find the old me.

 

...scary how you guys have been right the whole time. Yipes!

[tojaz]

triple post!! yes!!

 

 

 

ok, so I went out to a bar, and I swear to god I fell in love with one of the bartenders...she was just straight up gorgeous, with the kind of smile that just knocks your socks off.

 

It is practically impossible to pick up a woman who is working, so I didn't even consider a try...then, when I was walking down the hallway from the bathroom, I could see into the kitchen. She was there, grabbing a french fry (or a chip, I guess, for LisaUK) off of something in the kitchen. She looked up and saw me, and I gave her such a smile, and she just lost it. She knew she got caught, and it was classic.

 

For the rest of the night, my buddy even said to me that she was looking our way and that he wished it was for him. I didn't have the cojones to do anything about it tonight, but on the way out, I made sure she was walking by so that we would catch eyes again. I smiled, she said, "See you soon" and smiled so big...it was like that one moment where you know, or think, or hope, or have fun with, that there is the possibility for more.

 

I guess we'll go back within the next week, see if she is there. I'll make some lameass joke about stealing fries or something, see if I can catch her. Yes, I'm back to this level of corny, but c'mon, there's fun here.

 

I had a good night. Still can't imagine a different world, but going through the motions and telling myself everything else is over seems to be giving at least a little chance to find the old me.

 

...scary how you guys have been right the whole time. Yipes!

 

Good for you Lupa! i just got all caught up and all i can say is, you've had a hell of a day. Congrats are in order for the success of your GizmoWatchamajiggy, just picture cruising by your exes run down apartment in your new Porsche and a cute twenty year old in the passenger seat, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW! :p

 

I actually did some flirting tonight with a hostess at a local restaraunt, I was with a close female friend, but she wrote her number on the bill anyways! Talk about an ego boost! Not quite ready for dating yet, but this was fun! She was a cutie to, maybe I'll stop back for a drink and talk for awhile. Make sure i didn't imagine the whole thing.

 

Hang in there LUPA, sounds like your in a real good place right now.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

 

I actually did some flirting tonight with a hostess at a local restaraunt, I was with a close female friend, but she wrote her number on the bill anyways! Talk about an ego boost! Not quite ready for dating yet, but this was fun! She was a cutie to, maybe I'll stop back for a drink and talk for awhile. Make sure i didn't imagine the whole thing.

 

Hang in there LUPA, sounds like your in a real good place right now.

TOJAZ

Congrats, my man! We'll figure this out...

 

As for me, I am wracked with this extreme feeling of guilt like I could have done better...this whole thing is so stupid, I can't believe a person can just run away from a lifetime commitment.

 

I have to start doing Stuart Smalley's Daily Affirmation -- "because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me."

 

...holy crap I actually feel better.

[LisaUk]

Congrats, my man! We'll figure this out...

 

As for me, I am wracked with this extreme feeling of guilt like I could have done better...this whole thing is so stupid, I can't believe a person can just run away from a lifetime commitment.

 

I have to start doing Stuart Smalley's Daily Affirmation -- "because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me."

 

...holy crap I actually feel better.

 

Lupa, did your wife tell you she was unhappy before she left? Did she give you any opportunity to right your behaviour, I don't mean nagging, I mean sitting with you calmly saying "look, I feel really unhappy, you're really distant, I feel you are working too longer hours". Did she?

 

If she didn't you have nothing to chastise yourself about, your not a mind reader.

[lupa]

Lupa, did your wife tell you she was unhappy before she left? Did she give you any opportunity to right your behaviour, I don't mean nagging, I mean sitting with you calmly saying "look, I feel really unhappy, you're really distant, I feel you are working too longer hours". Did she?

 

If she didn't you have nothing to chastise yourself about, your not a mind reader.

Thank you Lisa. No she really didn't. In hindsight, she'd say stuff like, "I'm lonely" not "I feel like you are abandoning me." I'd respond, "I'm here, your sister is just down the road, you have all of our friends, its ok, you don't have to be lonely."

 

Typical guy response, solve the problem, not "affirm" or "actualize" or that sort of thing. I feel bad about that. I guess I shouldn't, but I still do.

 

I dunno...

 

Good news is that I'm able to get similar results on that experimental system today! It is a little slower than I want, but at least we have positive momentum. Nice.

[phineas]

Yuck, yuck, yuck! How revolting for you!

I'm pleased you didn't catch anything, how nice to have go get checked out though, God I feel for you!

 

You sound like a wonderful father, God, you just didn't deserve this, the sooner this ****** is out of your life the better.

 

She'll never be out of my life as she's the mother of my children.

but I can limit my contact with her.

 

I did my first & last IC session last night with our MC. So he knew the background.

 

He's just blown away by the things she did.

He summed it up for me.

She claimed she loved me & OM yet she lied to both of us & not little white lies.

 

"run" LOL!

 

He actually thinks i'm doing quite well but warned me to stay away from a comited relationship.

But, getting laid was perfectly fine.

 

I figure by the time I loose those extra pounds i'll be ready to hit the meat market....errr social scene.

[lupa]

God...she just texted me:

 

"I need to go to the house tomorrow to pick up some craft things. Trying not to make u angry so I'm giving u advance notice."

 

What in the holy hell is that supposed to mean? Do I even respond?

[LisaUk]

Thank you Lisa. No she really didn't. In hindsight, she'd say stuff like, "I'm lonely" not "I feel like you are abandoning me." I'd respond, "I'm here, your sister is just down the road, you have all of our friends, its ok, you don't have to be lonely."

 

Typical guy response, solve the problem, not "affirm" or "actualize" or that sort of thing. I feel bad about that. I guess I shouldn't, but I still do.

 

I dunno...

 

Good news is that I'm able to get similar results on that experimental system today! It is a little slower than I want, but at least we have positive momentum. Nice.

 

Well Lupa, I can't count the number of times I asked my ex to cut back his working hours because I was lonely, he never did, but I didn't leave him.

 

Don't beat yourself up!

[lupa]

...do I even respond to her text message, or just forget about it?

[LisaUk]

...do I even respond to her text message, or just forget about it?

 

Sorry, I missed that, we must have crossed posted. Erm, well I think she is trying to make you feel guity for her cheating on you, twisting it, I think you know at this point she is not willing to work on your marriage, so what do you feel like doing?

[phineas]

How much more stuff does she have there?

Maybe you should suggest she gets it all out of the house.

 

My wife was showing up & just getting things here & there. She'd run upstairs into the bedroom & grab a box of stuff & leave when she dropped of the kids.

 

It annoyed the heck out of me.

I packed most of it up for her so we don't have that problem any more.

[lupa]

Sorry, I missed that, we must have crossed posted. Erm, well I think she is trying to make you feel guity for her cheating on you, twisting it, I think you know at this point she is not willing to work on your marriage, so what do you feel like doing?

Punching her in the brain.

 

No, I feel like writing back:

 

"B*tch are you serious? You don't want to make me angry? WTF do you think you've been doing for the last 12 weeks??? When are you filing the f*cking papers? Huh? How are we going to divide up the stuff? Also, you're not taking the Swarovski crystal Christmas Tree Star I bought for you two years ago. Screw that, it is mine now. Also, you broke my mother's heart, my sister's heart, my father's heart. My entire family is crushed by your f*cking selfishness, not to mention me. I'm destroyed. Live a nice life, I was never bad to you. Of course I could have been better, you could have too!! But no, instead of working at it, you expected me to read your mind and take care of your innermost insecurities. Whatthef*ckever. How was I supposed to know? You're weak, and quite frankly, I think that I'm better off that you couldn't get pregnant, because I don't want weak children. Me? Right now I'm weak as all hell, but I can guarantee you this, when I get through this, I'm f*cking golden. I'm going to go through sh*t and come out smelling like roses on the other side, you mark my words. Get your f*cking craft stuff, and get out."

 

 

...wow.

 

 

...that kinda felt good.

[LisaUk]

Punching her in the brain.

 

No, I feel like writing back:

 

"B*tch are you serious? You don't want to make me angry? WTF do you think you've been doing for the last 12 weeks??? When are you filing the f*cking papers? Huh? How are we going to divide up the stuff? Also, you're not taking the Swarovski crystal Christmas Tree Star I bought for you two years ago. Screw that, it is mine now. Also, you broke my mother's heart, my sister's heart, my father's heart. My entire family is crushed by your f*cking selfishness, not to mention me. I'm destroyed. Live a nice life, I was never bad to you. Of course I could have been better, you could have too!! But no, instead of working at it, you expected me to read your mind and take care of your innermost insecurities. Whatthef*ckever. How was I supposed to know? You're weak, and quite frankly, I think that I'm better off that you couldn't get pregnant, because I don't want weak children. Me? Right now I'm weak as all hell, but I can guarantee you this, when I get through this, I'm f*cking golden. I'm going to go through sh*t and come out smelling like roses on the other side, you mark my words. Get your f*cking craft stuff, and get out."

 

 

...wow.

 

 

...that kinda felt good.

 

Love the bit about her not getting pregnant!

Let it out!

Well, text her say are you kidding me?

(I just uploaded some pictures if you are intersetes, just became established! Yay me),

[lupa]

I think I'm just not going to respond.

 

For a minute I thought about leaving a condom wrapper strategically in a garbage can in her bathroom...yes, the place had a bath for her and for me...but then I thought it was about time that I grew up from this.

 

So, I need to get the woman into bed, and then throw the condom wrapper into her bathroom garbage can.

 

If I got a woman back to my place, how in the heck would I explain the closet full of clothes, etc?

[phineas]

I think I'm just not going to respond.

 

For a minute I thought about leaving a condom wrapper strategically in a garbage can in her bathroom...yes, the place had a bath for her and for me...but then I thought it was about time that I grew up from this.

 

So, I need to get the woman into bed, and then throw the condom wrapper into her bathroom garbage can.

 

If I got a woman back to my place, how in the heck would I explain the closet full of clothes, etc?

 

Hence why I've been packing her stuff up.

Almost done.

[LisaUk]

Re dividing your belongings.

I had to sit down 3 days after my ex left and put a second hand price on all our furniture, which he payed me half. It did my head in, a lot of our furniture was new, quality, including just having spent £11,000 on a new kitchen. I couldn't take hardly any of it as I had to move in with my parents. He got the house (although now he's morgaged to the hilt , buying me out and he had to pay tax again :laugh:), the car, anything too big for me to store in my parents garage.

 

Anyway, don't get into fights over it, it's just stuff at the end of the day, so not worth the pain.

[lupa]

I was thinking of selling this house at a loss so that she gets absolutely dick. I have a great job, and lots of day to day income, and on top of that, my dad started a company years ago that paid my way through Harvard. To make a long story short, I can make my net worth 0 this year, and then make it look pretty freaking sweet next year. All of it is legal, because of the way everything is set up.

 

...I can't believe I'm going to this stage. She started this game, and if there is one trait about me, it is that I'm not going to lose.

 

So stupid. She blew it. Work with me to get better together, not bail out. I'm not going to give her a freaking cent. Technically, legally, and for all intents and purposes, I can make our net worth nothing. Next year I can make our next worth...well, lets just say a bunch of $$, and the following year, depending on how we structure the company, well, LisaUK might fly to Pittsburgh to move in with me.

 

...I'm just sayin.

 

I just can't wrap my little brain around what she is thinking. Screw it, I gave my last shot the other day. I'm not talking to her, I'm not trying. It is actually easier to not contact her now, and all of my friends are saying they are disappointed in her.

 

Also, the ex girlfriend of the guy my wife hangs out with now wants to get together next week when she gets back into town. That should be entertaining for a couple of weeks.

 

Also, I'm drunk.

 

G'night.

[MrMayI]

I was thinking of selling this house at a loss so that she gets absolutely dick. I have a great job, and lots of day to day income, and on top of that, my dad started a company years ago that paid my way through Harvard. To make a long story short, I can make my net worth 0 this year, and then make it look pretty freaking sweet next year. All of it is legal, because of the way everything is set up.

 

...I can't believe I'm going to this stage. She started this game, and if there is one trait about me, it is that I'm not going to lose.

 

So stupid. She blew it. Work with me to get better together, not bail out. I'm not going to give her a freaking cent. Technically, legally, and for all intents and purposes, I can make our net worth nothing. Next year I can make our next worth...well, lets just say a bunch of $$, and the following year, depending on how we structure the company, well, LisaUK might fly to Pittsburgh to move in with me.

 

...I'm just sayin.

 

I just can't wrap my little brain around what she is thinking. Screw it, I gave my last shot the other day. I'm not talking to her, I'm not trying. It is actually easier to not contact her now, and all of my friends are saying they are disappointed in her.

 

Also, the ex girlfriend of the guy my wife hangs out with now wants to get together next week when she gets back into town. That should be entertaining for a couple of weeks.

 

Also, I'm drunk.

 

G'night.

 

right ****ing on!!!!

[lupa]

right ****ing on!!!!

Hoo *hic* RAHH!!!!

 

'night folks! Keep the freaking faith!!!

[trippi1432]

 

Also, I'm drunk.

 

G'night.

 

Bummer, I'm all out....but probably a good thing considering my condition.

[Gunny376]

Lupa! Get off the booze my Man!

 

If your having trouble sleeping?

 

Up your run distrance and try some 5 mg Melatonnin.

 

If you need? I'll PM you my phone number, but just keep in mind that it will be through cell phone and blue tooth while I'm at work Wed ~ Sun.

 

(Some interruptions as I run samples ~ I work in a lab on second shift)

 

Also you might want to up your PT program. If your having trouble sleeping, its simply because you're current program isn't intensive enough!

 

You need to amp it up!

 

Even when the XHEX and I were going through our troubles?

 

When I was doing six to eight miles a day? I never had any problems sleeping!

[Gunny376]

I'm thinking you might need to get some weight training into you program?

 

Running is aerobic, while weight training is an-aerobic. The first pumps oxygen into your system which makes you awake and pumps adrenaline into your system.

 

The latter depletes it!

 

You go pump some iron for an hour or two at the end of the day? It should help you sleep better!

[lupa]

Gunny -- the problem is that I'm so spent emotionally and physically from weeks of no sleep that I don't have the energy to get going in the first place. I know it will take time to ramp up, but when I get home from work, I start to snooze at the desk when I sit down. So I've tried running then, but there is just nothing left in the tank. I can't get out of bed in the morning, and if I run later I get too much energy.

 

Then later, at bedtime, I'm exhausted but I can't turn off the brain.

 

I'm going to the doctor today to see if they can prescribe something that will help me get back to a normal schedule. No more waking up at 4 am and obsessing over the situation for the next 3 hours. Instead, bed at 11, up at 630, bike ride or run, work, home to take care of the house, and then out with some friends.

 

I held off from this for as long as I could, but I just can't keep it up any longer. I'm too focused on this all the time...and somewhere in my brain I can't reconcile her words with her actions. It is all too confusing, so I can't just hash it out, come to a conclusion, and move on.

 

I do know this, though. I stopped trying the other day...I had been doing everything (and a lot of things wrong, but too bad about that) possible to save this, and she walked. I can hold my head high for the rest of my life knowing that I didn't quit when the going got tough, hell, I probably was still playing after the ref blew the final whistle. One day I'll stop being so crushed, and instead I'll just lament what we could have done together.

 

I wish her the best of luck in life, because I think running from this now will have a lasting impact that she just can't fathom today.