Apart and shaken

[LonelyGal]

To all you on here, No I havent posted a thread yet, or do I know how to add ppl or is there somewhere I can email or talk to ppl?? I am new to this! Sorry dont mean to sound like a idoit! lol But if anyone can give me some pointers I would appreicate it! Thanks! And no there is no local support here either, and its a small town. But i enjoy reading what you all have say, lifts the spirits some!

[tojaz]

To all you on here, No I havent posted a thread yet, or do I know how to add ppl or is there somewhere I can email or talk to ppl?? I am new to this! Sorry dont mean to sound like a idoit! lol But if anyone can give me some pointers I would appreicate it! Thanks! And no there is no local support here either, and its a small town. But i enjoy reading what you all have say, lifts the spirits some!

 

You can have access to PM after youve been here awhile and have enough posts, or you can pay for a premium membership to get the same, takes a couple of months. Otherwise, if you would like to start a thread, just click start new thread in the forum and spill your guts. The people here are great and willing to listen. If you want to talk to someone off the board in private, read my thread (the rest of my story) and see if I fit the bill and i will give you an email addy you can reach me at.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Now I'm stuck on the "why hasn't she filed for divorce yet?" thing.

 

I have to get out of this house. I have to sell, at a loss, and get myself a new place. I was hoping I could wait it out, I was hoping I could rebuild, but trying to clean it today was miserable.

 

I may try to have a little picnic next weekend to try it out, to see if I can stay here for the short term.

 

God, looking back I see her expectations were so high that they were unattainable. I also see how she rationalized her bad actions to make me the problem, and I see that regardless of how I didn't show affection every minute of every day, I did a lot.

 

I keep trying to check out of this, and I keep getting sucked back in. Every time I take steps forward, I guess I take steps back.

 

I guess I'm going to have to take a stand, and I'm going to have to stand alone...except you guys are here, and I have my family and friends. I think it is impossible for us to be alone now.

 

That is pretty nice to know.

[broken hearted]

Lupa, I am feeling the exact same way you are! There are days that I am feeling good and feeling as though I am ready to start moving on with my life. Some days I feel as though I don't need the man my husband has become in my life. Then there are other days when I am sucked back in with him calling me asking me if it's too late for us to work things out...he should have thought about that before he took his pants off while I was home pregnant with his child, taking care of our 2 year old, our dog, our house, our garden, our yard, our bills, etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I still love the memory of my husband tremendously and wish more than anything that he would come back. This man who looks so much like my husband is not anything I would want to spend a day of my life with! I just can't seem to get the memory of my husband out of my mind and still pray for that man to come back.

 

I too had to have my parents come over to my house and help with cleaning and organizing and random handy man things around the house that my husband just left. My dog, my son, and I have been staying at my parents house since I found out about my husband's affair 7/9/09 (worst day of my life) and I feel like a horrible mother right now. I too don't sleep, can barely eat, and can barely take care of myself right now, let alone my son! I was a single mother to a 2 year old and pregnant at the same time for the last 6 months! I have become so exhausted from trying to do everything on my own that this recent emotional set back sent me running to my parents...I am 27 years old for goodness sake.

 

You seem very strong some days and I wish I had the strength you did on those days. My strongest days are when I only cry a few times instead of 1/2 the day!

[lupa]

Lupa, I am feeling the exact same way you are! There are days that I am feeling good and feeling as though I am ready to start moving on with my life. Some days I feel as though I don't need the man my husband has become in my life. Then there are other days when I am sucked back in with him calling me asking me if it's too late for us to work things out...he should have thought about that before he took his pants off while I was home pregnant with his child, taking care of our 2 year old, our dog, our house, our garden, our yard, our bills, etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I still love the memory of my husband tremendously and wish more than anything that he would come back. This man who looks so much like my husband is not anything I would want to spend a day of my life with! I just can't seem to get the memory of my husband out of my mind and still pray for that man to come back.

 

I too had to have my parents come over to my house and help with cleaning and organizing and random handy man things around the house that my husband just left. My dog, my son, and I have been staying at my parents house since I found out about my husband's affair 7/9/09 (worst day of my life) and I feel like a horrible mother right now. I too don't sleep, can barely eat, and can barely take care of myself right now, let alone my son! I was a single mother to a 2 year old and pregnant at the same time for the last 6 months! I have become so exhausted from trying to do everything on my own that this recent emotional set back sent me running to my parents...I am 27 years old for goodness sake.

 

You seem very strong some days and I wish I had the strength you did on those days. My strongest days are when I only cry a few times instead of 1/2 the day!

The only reason I seem strong on some days is because I don't have a two yr old, I'm not pregnant. You are way stronger than I could ever hope to be, and quite frankly, I'll sit and cry on your behalf if it would help you have a better day.

 

I'm in a fantastic position in life. Good job, good health, friends, family...I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

 

You are a much better person than I could ever dream to be, and all I can say to you is that when you make it through this, you are going to have your sh*t all squared away, and you are going to be a great mother to your two (and maybe more in the future!) children.

 

I hope that when this all ends, I can be a good man for my wife, good father to my children, and a good person for all the people I truly care about in my world, and even for some I don't know. I just need to keep on keeping on.

 

Today was a bad day, because it was the first time I cleaned this place alone since I moved in. The memories were overwhelming. Maybe next time I will be able to do it a little easier...and each time after that it probably won't hurt as much.

 

Just like when I started playing the piano again...there were songs that I would play that were "for her" as we got on. Slowly I started playing those again...and I lost it a couple of times. Now I can play my favorite song for me again.

 

...and this time around, I can play it with the feeling of heartbreak that it was written about.

 

Anyway, you can always find the support you need here, and probably all around you. Stay strong.

[broken hearted]

The only reason I seem strong on some days is because I don't have a two yr old, I'm not pregnant. You are way stronger than I could ever hope to be, and quite frankly, I'll sit and cry on your behalf if it would help you have a better day.

 

Haha, that's sweet Lupa! You can have a cry for my any day as long as it means that I won't be crying and my son won't see me like this.

 

This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through! I am not hungry and can't sleep. In fact, I am only eating because I am pregnant right now! If I weren't pregnant, I would have lost 20 lbs, that I don't have, by now! Obviously I have been surviving bc it's 6 months later and I am still alive but somedays, the pain is so intense, I feel like I could die!

 

My husband took my son for the day and it is killing me not seeing him! If this ends up with divorce, I obviously will get custody of the children, but it's going to kill me the days they are with my husband. I miss him like crazy and he's only been gone for 9 hours or so. I find myself wondering how the heck my husband was able to walk out on him and see him for mere hours a week.

 

I'm not sure if you've been reading my threads or not but my husband has literally gone crazy! I do believe very strongly that he needs some sort of help! He has been seeing an IC for 2 or 3 months now and it has only seemed to get him angrier! I truly think he needs to speak to a psychiatrist and possibly get some meds. Check out all of my threads. I have one on the infidelity board as well.

[lupa]

I've been doing a little PA divorce research...turns out "equitable" distribution of property does not mean "equal." This is a little heartening. I have a feeling this will work in my favor, such that we just figure out how much each has earned over the last three and a half years, make a ratio, then total up assets, split them accordingly.

 

I'm ok with that.

 

I have a feeling I've earned about 66% of our total, so maybe I'm not as eager to sell the house at a loss. It would kill me to give her half of our assets on this, particularly because my parents, who had loaned me the downpayment on the townhouse I bought before this on my own, never asked for that downpayment back. Basically we put that money, plus the other equity I built up, into this place. In effect, she would be scabbing my hard-earned wealth, plus the gift my family gave...and I would be more than willing to sell this house at a loss for two reasons -- 1) move it quicker, and 2) I am going to lose that $$ anyway, it might as well go to a stranger to get me out of here sooner, instead of to the woamn who betrayed me.

 

I have a feeling this is going to be messy.

[phineas]

you put her name on the house recently.

Did she make any payments on the mortgage?

If not....

 

but honestly i told wife, what she brought into my home she can take out.

for wedding gifts, if her friends gave it, she can have it.

 

otherwise, she can't afford my house.

also, I'm protected.

My parents lent me a lot of money for the house before I met her.

They will put a lean on the home & just take it then rent it to me if it comes to that.

 

I WILL NOT LOOSE MY HOUSE.

That's all that matters to me right now.

I can give my kids a back yard to play in half the week & that's really important to me. More than anything.

 

If she just left me my 1970's recliner & 32" tube TV & i'd survive.

I can sleep on an air mattress if need be.

[lupa]

I found another letter this morning I wrote to her right when this was all starting...

 

...I'm a good f*cking guy, that's all there is to it. She has rewritten history in her head to make me selfish and self-centered, this was just underscored one more time on friday when she told me as much on the phone. I reread this letter I wrote to her, and if she could read it and turn a cold shoulder, then it should be obvious to me that she checked out long before this all came up. I'm glad I found it, because it was heartfelt, warm, I accepted responsibility for things that went bad, and reiterated the promise I made to protect her forever.

 

She was playing me, plain and simple. So now I'm done being a good guy to her...this just became all business.

 

She's getting nothing more than what the state orders from me, and you can be damned sure I'm going to protect my own ass in this. Her claims that "half the house are mine" just don't fly in PA. "Equitable" is the name of the game here, and roughly translates to "what you contributed during the marriage."

 

See ya, and don't talk to me any more.

[lupa]

The emotional rollercoaster of all of this is astounding, truly astounding. Mad to sad to hurt to strong to weak to sad...

 

Sometimes it seems like there is an out, other times it is like I want her back...sheesh. I'm so emotionally exhausted that I don't know how long it will take to recover.

 

As for the way I feel...the sleeping pills are so strong that last night I cut one up and took a third of it. I slept pretty good, and am not so dizzy I can't function like yesterday. I think I'm just going to end up crushing them up and mixing them in water or something, because they don't make dosages as low as what works. I am starting to have energy, so I think I may actually go for a run or something. We'll see.

[LisaUk]

The emotional rollercoaster of all of this is astounding, truly astounding. Mad to sad to hurt to strong to weak to sad...

 

Sometimes it seems like there is an out, other times it is like I want her back...sheesh. I'm so emotionally exhausted that I don't know how long it will take to recover.

 

As for the way I feel...the sleeping pills are so strong that last night I cut one up and took a third of it. I slept pretty good, and am not so dizzy I can't function like yesterday. I think I'm just going to end up crushing them up and mixing them in water or something, because they don't make dosages as low as what works. I am starting to have energy, so I think I may actually go for a run or something. We'll see.

 

Ah, the rollarcoaster we are all on! Smile for the camera folks, as we go down the big dip, collect your suvenoir (sp) from the kiosk after the ride. In your case the D papers, in mine the seperation agreement (oh, and the 10 year passport photo I had taken 3 days post bomb, due to needing ID for the lawyer, what a nice 10 year reminder that is!).

 

I saw you post on another thread about being told to "Stop it now, you need to move on", I've had this as well, (even the ex said it 4 days after bomb drop!)

 

You will move on when you are good and ready, everyone is different. People who say that, although they have your best intersets at heart, they don't get it, they haven't experienced it.

[lupa]

You know, lisa, I'm not thoroughly convinced that mine left me for another. Maybe not physically at first, but definitely emotionally, and she is crushing me with guilt like I messed it up.

 

I may be a lot of things, but I would never betray my spouse. I am going to try to hold my head high with that knowledge, and I swear to god I'm going to be happy one day in the future.

[Gunny376]

I've experinced it!

 

Move on!

[LisaUk]

You know, lisa, I'm not thoroughly convinced that mine left me for another. Maybe not physically at first, but definitely emotionally, and she is crushing me with guilt like I messed it up.

 

I may be a lot of things, but I would never betray my spouse. I am going to try to hold my head high with that knowledge, and I swear to god I'm going to be happy one day in the future.

 

Lupa, she is just trying to justify her own bad behaviour by projecting her own faults and problems onto you. My ex did it as well, in the same breath he would say something like "you were XYZ, but you are still a good person, you are loyal and caring and kind, I still love you, I'm not as certain in my decision now, but oh, I did the right thing". It really is the ramblings of a lunatic.

 

At the end of the day, they want out, for what ever reason or excuses they use to justify it to themselves, it isn't about you or what you did, or what you didn't do, or what you could have or should have done, or not done. It is about THEM, they needed to honor their commitment to you and tell you what was wrong, what needed to be worked on. I always told my ex if something he did p*****d me off, if I was unhappy with something, how else does the other person know? People are not telepathic.

 

The whole essence of a committed relationship is that you are committed to the other, so problems arise, like they do in every relationship, friends, family, work etc. One doesn't expect life to be easy, for things to just magically work out. That takes work, determination and committment. Life is that way, let alone a marriage.

 

Your wife lacks the comprehension of what a realtionship takes to survive. This is not about you it is about HER.

[TrustInYourself]

Right now, the only way to handle the pain is to go through it. Embrace it. The sooner you get that out of your system, the sooner you can get on with life.

[delajoonal]

lupa i know what you mean about being in the marital home and someone else posted about walking around looking into empty rooms...omg! when H first left...he left ALL his stuff..then he came back..and left again..that time he took ALL his stuff and left HIS computer room empty accept for the bed....i walked by it for months before i finally turned into a room for my chihuaha..LOL...ALL PINK stuff and toys..!

eventually tho, i moved, me and my chi...we are now in an apt. and i am NOT sure what hurts more...the memories and being alone in the marital home or NO memories and being alone in this apartment...where the memories are all sucky..cause i haven't stopped crying since i moved in:(....

in a way it is weird, i come and go as i please...stay up and weird hours watching movies..i even baked cookies at 3AM the other night..LOL...weird...my son enjoyed them the next day when he came over to do his laundry.

 

anyway...although it is sucky we are ALL going thru such horrific pain, it is nice in a weird way to know we are not alone..

 

and why is it i can't find a local group either????

 

what is that all about...???

 

i guess it means i am supposed to be here with all of you wonderful LS people!

ok...be back soon...

[lupa]

I'm sitting here right now, watching Modern Marvels on the History Channel. I have a little Jose Cuervo going down...not too much, just a bit...I just ate, my house is freaking spotless. I'm actually not too upset right now.

 

I keep trying to wrap my head around the "why" but I have a feeling that I'm never going to understand that. At least I'm not crushed like I was. I'm pretty content with myself for time being. I'm sure it will switch later, but around 8:30, I'm going to take a nice chunk of that sleepy sleepy medicine, and get a heck of a lot of z's tonight. I'm here to start rebuilding myself, and step one is making up for a long time of no sleep, and a long time of very little sleep because she wanted two needy freaking cats. I'm a light sleeper, so that just killed me over the last two and half years.

 

Screw it, I'm starting at sleep, then I'm going to exercise more (just a little right now), then I'm going to find somewhere to take up boxing (bum knee, no more tae kwan do), then I'm going to find me a woman who can appreciate what it is I offer. In the meantime, hopefully I'll find one that wants what I have...ha!

 

That was supposed to be sexual, I don't know if it made sense or not.

 

Whatever, I'm ok right now. How are you guys?

[man_of_ability]

I'm still struggling.

[lupa]

Hey brother, let me tell you from the perspective of a guy who just went through the worst of it all...it gets better, incrementally.

 

I'm on one of those upswings, I'm sure there's a comedown in my future. It seems like mornings are terrible for me, nights seem to be ok. What a weird pattern...

 

...you'll get better. I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason" thing that people say, I believe that you have to ID opportunities and make them your own. After I got the sh*t kicked out of me for a couple of months, I am starting to understand that this can be an opportunity. It doesn't look like one yet, but I'm going to try.

 

You can try to. This could be an opportunity, you just haven't figured out how yet.

[delajoonal]

lupa....i giggled reading your post about the cats issues...lol...and i too am a VERY light sleeper...my H was not..he could sleep through bombs and car crashes...;0

 

i to have that same question buzzing around my head..IT never EVER goes away...

the BIG FAT WHY???? WHY....why???

 

i don't ask it as much...everyone would just say...don't worry about HIS issues so much as concentrating on getting my life together...well, i am sorry, but it is impossible to have been with someone for 14 years and NOT WONDER what the H*** went wrong and WHY???

 

so i think that is the biggest question we all have ..right?

lupa..get lots of sleep, it really is the bEST medicine...try not to depend on the booze and pills too much right now...i know it makes the pain a bit easier..but we here at LS are all hoping for healthy recoveries for all of us..so becareful...just want you to be OK

 

as for WHY she left? my H had an online emotional affair...IT was broken off at only about 3 weeks...i made sure of that...after several calls to OW AND HER H...she told/emailed my H and wanted nothing to do with him or his 'crazy' wife (that would be me...LOL).

 

as for any more OW...i have my suspicisions????

i just can't believe H would leave ALL on his own..and to date has NOT even given me a reason for leaving...ya, so imagine that frickin' hair ripping out insanity i go thru everyday...that is MY BIG WHY?

 

but..ya...i am sure there are OW or a few by now...

 

wanna hear something weird...

 

ok, so my H got onto Facebook...this is how this whole stupid thing started and he met that OW in the first place...he says Face book was just to play Mob Wars...ya right!

 

ok, so a few weeks ago, a friend of mine that lives clear across the country, called me..she said that she joined Facebook for the first time just the day before she phone me...all her friends were doing it..so she did too...now keep in mind this friend of mine is in her VERY LATE 60's....

 

ok, so here is the weird part....she joined FB, a few hours later she had checked her new acct. and there was a list of names of people that were to be prospective new facebook friends....guess who's name popped up on HER list...yep...MY HUSBAND!

but here is even more weird stuff...HE has never met her and only knows her nickname....she signed up with her full REAL name....

 

 

so my H who is a good 20+ years younger than this friend of mine has himself signed up on Facebook to HIT UP any and ALL NEW FEMALE prospectives?????

 

gross....it took all i had to not throw up..i am NOT kidding..i was literally sick to my stomach....not because of my friend..but because what in the world is my H doing?

 

who the H*** is HE?????

 

ok..so now i have rambled on...but i thought this was very interesting...also, i have NO clue how to use Facebook..so i am not sure how it all works...but i do know my H's name came up as being interested in MY 60+ yr old friend 2000 miles away...

 

weird right???

[lupa]

I don't think there really is an answer for "why." I really don't think I'm going to understand, I really don't think you are going to understand it.

 

I've accepted my flaws, I've found out what I need to internalize to get better. That she will not just means she is losing a great opportunity.

 

That is the only counter I have for "why" right now...what have you learned?

[delajoonal]

well..i have gone thru my guilty stuff...still do...you know-

"i wish i was more_____", or "why did i do that?", " i should have been more attentive..." this list goes on and on....but in the end...i can't change ANY of it...i did the best i could..in the time we had together..i suppose i could have done more...been better....etc....but then i never cheated, NEVER lied about anything...so to me, what could i have done that WAS so bad he had to leave me...and not only that...why all the name calling all the sudden and SO DARN mEAN?...that is the part i can't deal with...i read here on LS. that when the cheating spouse or the walker, acts mean, calls names, yells, etc...its all about the guilt...THEY are guilty and trying to make it easier to deal with...as well as re-writing the marriage...have you heard of that one yet?

 

when the cruddy spouse makes up crap that you did or said etc...and NONE of it is true...they make up these scenerios and stuff in their heads...again...to make IT all easier to walk away...to justify treating US like crap..when in reality we have done nothing wrong..

 

we.. you and i, and other LS members have to remember...IT was never US...we are NOT the reason THEY walked....but yes, i do have lots of moments when i beat myself up for not doing something better or recalling a day or moment i wish i could have changed what i did or said to make it better than it was...etc...

 

i think i am rambling..BUT i hope it is making sense..LOL

 

i guess my answer to your question is NO..LOL...i have not learned a darn thing yet..other than i am in a state of disbelief, denial, depression..what else starts with

a "D"...lol....

 

i am just as confused and effed up as was on Feb. 25th...the day he finally admitted to the onilne EA..

[MrMayI]

you'll be fine, delajoonal. you really will. i went through the emotional affair coaster last year, but never got an admission. almost got a lecture on how there's just no such thing. i should've done several things differently, but didn't. my marriage is being rewritten only to a bunch of a**holes that i don't know, and if that's how it is, that's how it is and no amount of anything i do will make a difference. try just shutting it all off for a minute, then five, then 15. on and on until you've shut if off for just one day. that may just be the day that you tell yourself you're done with it, and the rest will only get easier.

 

i've learned it doesn't take just papers to make that real. take care.

[delajoonal]

thank you for taking time to respond to my post:)

i am going to take your advice...shutting IT off for ONE minute, then five, etc....

 

also, i am not sure who my H is re-writing our marriage too, other than ME...but i am sure he is telling a million lies to a million people...especially since he joined that darn Facebook...that is where it began...him

boo hooing cry baby to some OW about how..let's C how did H put it..

"crappy marriage"...which came as a complete shock to me...

so many things he has said and done just make my heart sink...

and even worse, telling HIS family a bunch of lies...that would just kill me...i have been closer to H's family then my own for so long now...that is another thing that we have to contend with...i am sure i am not the only one? what happens to the family members of the spouse you have become so close too...now we can't even talk...his mother was like my best friend...she hasn't even phoned ONE time since the day i emailed HER the news...NICE...i guess we find out who really cares about us in a divorce..lol

 

anyway....

 

i used to laugh at those crazy LifeTime movies...and say,

"oh, how can you be married to someone and NOT know them?"

 

geesh...i guess LifeTime movie channel got their stories from REAL life..LOL...cause i have NO clue who the heck i have been married to for 13 years:confused:

 

breaks my heart when i think of that sweet man...he is SO evil now..he even LOOKS evil...lol

 

thank you again...i am going to try that one minute at a time thing...cause i do get over whelmed and tend to look at the WHOLE picture....so i need to just break IT down into pieces...

 

take care

[man_of_ability]

Facebook is evil.