LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 You wanted to make things better and she left... So what can you do other than move on... A woman who wants your kids, who wants to be one with you! who wont quit when she wants things her way and then has the chance to make things better quits anyway. Thank you Crome, I needed these words this morning, but replacing the she with he obviously! I tend to backslide first thing, this morning was pretty bad, I was almost back to blaming and hating myself, then I read your words and it jolted me back to the reality of the situation. This isn't about me, I was willing to try, he wasn't, he walked. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Yeah, I have had a few connections, I guess. I just feel so hollow that I don't really know how to proceed. I guess I'm not too concerned in the long term, but a friend recently told me that I'm probably the least patient person he knows. So right now I feel like time is running out, even though it has only been a few months, and I'm 31. I've always felt that we have a limited time here, so we should go balls out all the time. I hate waiting in line, I'm a beast at the mall. I dunno. This is just presenting more opportunities than I want to be a better person right now. I guess I'll just have to know in my heart that my real best friend is out there, somewhere. Lupa, yeah, I've been gone for a bit, but I'm back on the horse. YeeHaw!! You and me buddy, were going to be hot comodities! Think about it, your 31 single with a job a house, no kids. Think of most of the guys trolling bars at your age. How do you measure up? We are going to be fine when we are ready to get out there. Just take the time you need to get your head screwed back on straight and the rest will just fall into place. It's already happening, women are looking at you, women are looking at me, when were ready to look back, we'll be in up to our waist! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I'm 52 and laughng my ass off at you two! Here you are hanging up your life in your thirties as though it was done, did and over? Granted! You can probally kiss the girls from the soreity away! Gone are co-ed days? But when your 31? Who's got time for that anyway? Your in the Prime of your Life! Slapping you both silly in the head! While that may be true, gunny, we both feel like we've just gotten the sh*t kicked out of us, and each time I think I've gotten up off the mat I miss grabbing onto the rope to pull myself up and fall flat on my face again. Over and over. Each time it takes a little less to get started, but then bam, I'm back down. I still think I want my marriage back! How stupid is that now? She walked, and I'm the one who still wants this in the back of my head. Stupid lupa. Stupid, stupid lupa. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Gunny - thank you sir may I have another? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I'm pretty down right now. Don't know why. Just don't have any fight in me today. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Lupa, you don't want that silly mare back, she walked! Why do you want someone who thinks it's ok to make vows before God and then just walk? She isn't worth it and you know this! I know how you feel, I want my ex back sometimes too, but I tell you, it is getting less and less, the more I remember how he walked and how he has treated me the more I know I am going to be better off without him. Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 You're very strong Lisa! I would say 95% of the time I want my husband back and our marriage to survive this nightmare and the other 5%, I think of all the horrible things he's done to me and know I deserve better...someone who will not walk out on me and abandon myself and my children! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 You're very strong Lisa! I would say 95% of the time I want my husband back and our marriage to survive this nightmare and the other 5%, I think of all the horrible things he's done to me and know I deserve better...someone who will not walk out on me and abandon myself and my children! No, I'm not strong Broken, I wasn't given any choice, but in knowing that he gave me no choice I am able to see him for what and who he truly is and that is someone I do not want or need in my life anymore. I am sad, i am sad fo rthe person and life I loved, but at the same time, I know I deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 No, I'm not strong Broken, I wasn't given any choice, but in knowing that he gave me no choice I am able to see him for what and who he truly is and that is someone I do not want or need in my life anymore. I am sad, i am sad fo rthe person and life I loved, but at the same time, I know I deserve better. The thing that sucks right now lisa, for me, is the dreaded backslide...where I, for whatever reason, cannot see another way out of this except back with her. When will the goddamned frontslide start? I need to get some forward momentum somehow!! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 The thing that sucks right now lisa, for me, is the dreaded backslide...where I, for whatever reason, cannot see another way out of this except back with her. When will the goddamned frontslide start? I need to get some forward momentum somehow!! Thing is Lupa, it's still new to you, yes she has been gone a while, but for the most part, you were going 180 etc and you thought there was still a chance before she said that's it. Now she has said its D, so it must be like being back at step one for you. All I can say at this time, is that I backslide every morning, but each day it gets easier to shake off, I do this by remembering how he just b******d off! All I can say at the moment is find something you enjoy doing that she didn't. Did she get mad if you ate stinky curry in the den and watched boxing or footy on TV whilst drinking beer and smoking cigars? (or was that just me? LOL) Whatever it was she didn't like you doing or you enjoyed and she didn't like, DO IT. It could be as simple as watching a movie she hated etc. Keep posting on here, you are going to get through this, we all are. Sometimes I really wish I was there in the US with you guys, we could all go out together and b****h about the exes! Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Lupa, remind me...have either you or your wife filed for divorce? How long has the separation been going on? Is she seeing someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Lupa, remind me...have either you or your wife filed for divorce? How long has the separation been going on? Is she seeing someone else? the lawyer I got told me to not file, because it will cost me more in the end. That, and I still (for whatever dumbass reason) don't want it. She has been having an emotional affair that I knew about and she lied about. we've been having problems since late April, and I asked her to move out mid-June. She told me she was going to file the other day, but I haven't heard anything about it yet. She keeps sending me mixed signals, and then being mean as hell to my face when we meet up. Says things to hurt me, pretends to not care. It is like I'm dealing with a child sometimes...she is going to run away and then everything is going to be better because I didn't write her poetry all the time, or give her a hug every time I walked through the door. Well, a lot of the time I didn't feel like giving her a freaking hug, and maybe that was selfish of me, but I didn't. Didn't mean I didn't care, and of course I could have shown more affection, but god did she nag and badger me about little things, so I shut down more often than not. You know what is sad? We are textbook. All the stuff I've been reading, all the research I've been doing...we are exactly the classic case. It is sickening, and I think that is why I'm so upset. We could have such a dynamic life together, but neither of us communicated it well. So stupid. I'm just going to let her have her way now. You want a divorce? Ok. Have at it. I understand, this will never work out. I'm too selfish to deserve love. You want to take only one of the cats? Ok. I see how you think I picked the one out, even though he was a gift to you...yes I picked him, he was so damned cute in that cage. I'll keep him, you're right. You want money when we separate? Sure. Let's add up what we both earned, and then we'll just divvy everything accordingly. That is fine with me. ...I'm done fighting her. I'm not going to argue about anything, and I'm certainly done talking about the past. I'm still pretty frustrated, but I'm reading something that is kinda "eastern philosophy" that is convincing me that I've just been confusing my desire and ego with actual need. I don't need her. I don't need to get laid. ...I just want it. So, we work on stopping the want. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 It was not my intent to be insensitive to your situation, but to just state that relatively speaking you've got your whole life ahead of you. This may or may not be the end of your marriage and even your life as you've thus far to date know it? But its not the end of your life. And the analogy of being knocked down and being unable to find the ropes to pull yourself up? Doesn't even begin to explain how I experienced separation? (Not to imply anyone else's pain is more or less than that of another) But to me it was like getting the wind knocked out of me and then thrown under a bus. I guess its hard for me to convey through the Internet? But there is very much life after divorce. The sun is going to shine again, the bluebirds are going to sing. And life goes on. And ultimately the day is going to come when you come to the realization that you simply need to just "get over it" and move on. (Easy for me to say, not so easy to do.) For those of you at the early stages? When someone tells you that really pisses people off! But that's what it comes down to. That and the realization of "Damn! I've got to go and find myself someone else! Damn the bad luck!" The really good news about all of this? Is that once you've gone through all of this? You build up a certain amount of immunity to all the BS that comes with relationships? The really bad news is? You build up a certain amount of immunity to all the BS that comes with relationships. Which is why its easier to get your second divorce than it is to get your first? The 'first cut is the deepest' and 'once bitten? Twice shy? Many jump on the first thing smokin' and re-bound way too quickly. Just have to be in a relationship, just have to be with someone. They never embrace the loneliness, being single. I not only embraced it! I wrestled that 'sucker' to the ground and made it my own. In so doing? I come to understand that at least 50% of all people, just simply are not cut out for LTR's ~ let alone marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 The five stages of loss. 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance Can be experienced seperately, mixed together, in any order and you can move through each one serveral times before acceptance. Lupa you are experiencing anger. It will pass, just feel it, there are no short cuts, for any of us. Yay, let the party begin. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 It was not my intent to be insensitive to your situation, but to just state that relatively speaking you've got your whole life ahead of you. This may or may not be the end of your marriage and even your life as you've thus far to date know it? But its not the end of your life. Maybe this is just the beginning of 'lupa's Life, Part Deux. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 That's right Lupa, it's not a new life, it is still your life, she was just a part of it. All she has done is make you a better H for someone else! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 That's right Lupa, it's not a new life, it is still your life, she was just a part of it. All she has done is make you a better H for someone else! Exactamoto! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Of course, keep in mind as well, that another women may have the capacity to communicate and express herself and work WITH you rather than against you. The problem is HERS not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 The five stages of loss. 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance Can be experienced seperately, mixed together, in any order and you can move through each one serveral times before acceptance. Lupa you are experiencing anger. It will pass, just feel it, there are no short cuts, for any of us. Yay, let the party begin. Actually, I kind of bang around between depression and acceptance nowadays. I was at anger for like a day and a half...that was it. Now I just have to accept it, move on. My new response is, "whatever you'd like." Divorce? Whatever you'd like. The couches? Whatever you'd like. My family will take care of me? Sure they will, that's what families do. I'm selfish? Yes, I am too selfish for this relationship. You had nothing of your own? No, you did not. I was a part of everything. ...no more arguing, no more disagreeing. I tried this once, and it was premature enlightenment. I even think I said it at the time, because I still hadn't hit rock bottom yet. You have to know, not think, but KNOW you are going to die someday. Only then are you free to let yourself go and live. I have to know, not think, but KNOW that I am living again. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Is she still arguing with you then? Is she still throwing accusations around? If she is then have you just said, "look, I told you I want to work on our marriage and that I am willing to do whatever that takes. You have said you don't want that, is that correct?" If she says yes then just say, "so we don't have anything to talk about then, speak to my lawyer." Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Is she still arguing with you then? Is she still throwing accusations around? If she is then have you just said, "look, I told you I want to work on our marriage and that I am willing to do whatever that takes. You have said you don't want that, is that correct?" If she says yes then just say, "so we don't have anything to talk about then, speak to my lawyer." Not so much arguing, but we debate finances, and she keeps saying half of the stuff in the house is hers. She is supposed to come over tonight to review all of the bills with me, including insurances, car payment (hers), some furniture, credit cards, etc. No more fights by me. I'm done with this. Whatever she has to say i'll agree with. Then, when the time comes, I'll let the lawyer smack her around a little. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Whatever she has to say i'll agree with. Then, when the time comes, I'll let the lawyer smack her around a little. It doesn't sound like you're planning to do this, but just in case I wanted to urge you NOT to agree to anything in writing (including email or text) until your lawyer weighs in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 It doesn't sound like you're planning to do this, but just in case I wanted to urge you NOT to agree to anything in writing (including email or text) until your lawyer weighs in. No problem. I'm smarter than I look (and act and sound and seem). I want my pain to stop, and basically, the only way to do that is to stop the fighting, stop the guilt, stop the self-pity. I'll stop pressuring her, I already quit caring where she is/what she's doing. I think my biggest problem here was inertia...I couldn't just do a 180 or any of that. I had to slow down first. I still am unhappy, but pieces of this thing keep falling away. Too bad it couldn't be saved. we could have had a long life together, but she thinks the grass is going to be greener elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Well, she hasn't contacted me about meeting tonight. I left a vmail and an email. I'm done. Going to go home, eat, chill out for a bit, and maybe head out somewhere locally. Whatever. I see this as free reign to handle the joint bank account as I see fit. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 she thinks the grass is going to be greener elsewhere. Well, she's in for one rude awakening then! Yeah, go out enjoy yourself, its about time you put yourself first and had some fun. You deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
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